Corinne

After Monday, I didn’t go to work for the rest of the week. At first, it had been out of my own stupid self-hatred and pity. I couldn’t face Cooper, not after everything we’d shared. Because, in truth, the second I saw him again, I knew I’d sneak into his office and beg for more. I was crazy about him—ready to change my entire life and all my commitments just to make room for him.

I wanted every bit of him, all his happiness and sadness, his light and his dark, just like he wanted those things from me. Some just wasn’t enough anymore.

Which, of course, was exactly why I needed the space. In the first few days, I’d looked for a new job, but every time I thought about going to work and not seeing Cooper and Alyssa and all the people who’d so quickly become a respite from my stressful life, I couldn’t bring myself to schedule the interviews.

Then, feeling lost and unsure, I spent Friday with Mauve, pouring out my heart only to get the same answer in return—this wasn’t what Aaron would have wanted for my life. I needed to do what made me happy, and more than anything, I needed to find a way to tell the truth.

My head spinning, I’d left the retirement home that night and flicked on my phone to find a message from Cooper. That in itself wasn’t so unusual, though. I’d been fending him off for days. No, it was the content of the message that made my heart stop beating and my breath catch.

You’re. Fucking. Married.

It wasn’t a question, and I couldn’t answer it like one. My throat went dry and my fingers trembled over the keyboard as I tapped out my reply.

I can explain.

I sent the message, but knowing that could never be enough, I added, Can we meet for coffee tomorrow morning?

But by the time morning came, despite my checking every five minutes through that sleepless night, there was still no answer. I spent the day by Aaron’s side, trying to think of all the best ways to explain why I did what I’d done, and how I planned to make it right. But even then, with all the options in the world available to me, one look at Aaron brought me crashing back to reality.

No matter what happened with Cooper, even if I did get him to understand all my lies and deception, nothing was going to make this okay. Nothing would make my life normal and whole and complete, not without hurting someone I cared for deeply and needed me.

On Saturday night, an answer finally dinged on my phone. Cooper had written simple instructions to meet him at a coffee shop at nine the next morning. The place was close to the office, and even though I knew nothing good could come of it and it might be the last time I ever saw his face, my heart still swelled with the idea of seeing him again.

• • •

When Sunday dawned, I dressed quickly and carefully, making sure to feed Aaron and give him his medication before I slipped out the door.

The whole way to the coffee shop, I nervously combed my fingers through my hair, imagining the long wait for Cooper before he finally arrived. It was only eight thirty, but I couldn’t bring myself to wait another minute.

Still, when I reached the little outdoor seating area that led into the main shop, I saw that Cooper was already sitting there, his eyes downcast as he surveyed the morning paper. A steaming cup of coffee sat in front of him, and as he reached for it, his gaze met mine, and I caught sight of the days of stubble along his jaw.

My heart stuttered, and I reminded myself to breathe as I took another shaky step toward him.

I’d never seen him dressed this way. He wore faded jeans and a sweatshirt, a ball cap covering his head, and he looked exhausted. A shell of himself. Like a balloon that all the air had been let out of.

With another jagged breath, I realized I was the one who’d done this to him.

Blinking back hot tears I didn’t deserve to shed, I hitched my bag higher on my shoulder, then took the seat across from him before folding my hands on the table between us.

He sipped his coffee, his gaze never wavering from mine, though he made no motion to greet me. A waitress appeared and I ordered quickly, watching her retreat before finally clearing my throat to speak.

“I’m sure you have questions.” I’d practiced my opening statement a million times in my mind, but hearing the words made them hollower than I’d ever imagined. Still, I pressed on as he raised his eyebrows. “Before I answer them, though, I want to tell you things as they are from my perspective.”

He made no motion to argue. In fact, as far as I could tell, he was barely breathing. So, without a lifeline, I forced myself to continue.

“I met Aaron when I was young. We grew up in the same shelter, and once, we were even placed in the same foster home for a little while.” I chewed my bottom lip. “I’ve thought about how to explain this for days, and I still can’t seem to find the words to express what the constancy of his presence meant for me. When I was placed in a new home, I always had someone I could call who would console me about the new people or share in my small and infrequent triumphs. He was my best friend—my only friend, really—and as we got older, it was natural that our relationship changed too.”

Cooper gripped his coffee mug and brought it to his lips, his knuckles white as he gripped the handle.

I swallowed hard. “Anyway, he was my first kiss. My best friend. My family. I couldn’t imagine my life without him, and we promised each other we’d always be together, in one way or another.”

Cooper let the cup clatter back onto its saucer, his jaw tightening. “This is what you just had to tell me? How you and your husband are fucking soulmates?” He let out a low snort, his eyes flat with fury. “Do you want to make it easier and just shove a knife in my back or what?”

I drew back, both stung and sick with guilt. “Please, hear me out.” I rushed on, desperate to make him understand. “I know this part is hard to hear, but it’s important, okay?”

He let out a sigh but didn’t get up and leave, which was all the permission I needed.

“Anyway, we aged out of the system at eighteen, and so decided to get an apartment together. Aaron woke up late for work that particular morning. He tore out of the apartment, hopped on his bike, and tried to race his way there. In the suburbs, though, there aren’t many bike lanes, and one blind turn changed both our lives forever. A car plowed directly into him.”

Cooper flinched but his expression stayed icy. I pushed on, refusing to let myself get sidetracked from telling the whole truth.

“He’d been saving up for a ring. I knew that, and although I cared about him, things between us were already changing. I was realizing what I felt was love and friendship, but I also knew he wanted more. I planned to talk to him. Break things off. We’d never been intimate, never were lovers in that way.” I thumbed the bare space on my ring finger. “Anyway, when the accident happened and I learned the full extent of his injuries, I knew what I had to do.”

“What were the full extent of his injuries?”

Cooper’s voice startled me for a moment, but I nodded.

“He had a severe head injury. Since he was late for work, he hadn’t taken the time to grab his helmet. There was some spinal damage that restricts him to a wheelchair, but the primary issue was the brain damage. He has the mentality of an eight-year-old, and he will for the rest of his life.”

Tears burned in the back of my throat, but I pushed past them for Cooper’s sake. Today, this story wasn’t about Aaron and me. I’d grieved for Aaron for years and always would. Right now, it was about Cooper.

“So, as I was saying, when I knew all that, I understood what I had to do. He was my best friend, and I was all he had in the world, just like he was all I had. Things didn’t turn out the way we’d hoped, but I couldn’t just give up on him.”

The waitress reappeared with my coffee and I took it, grateful to have something to distract me, if only for a moment. Silently, I waited as Cooper processed everything I’d said, sipping my latte, and then he looked up at me with tense, firm lips.

“That must have been devastating for you,” he said, his voice low and tight.

“It was a long time ago now. But yes, it was a hard time. I made the decision that we marry. He never asked, but I knew it was what he wanted. Being married . . . well, it meant I would be his caregiver, his legal guardian, and that he’d be covered under my health insurance.” I paused, drawing a deep breath.

“Corinne . . .”

Cooper reached a hand toward me, but I didn’t take it. Instead, I focused on my coffee, getting out the last of what I’d planned to say.

“Look, I know you must think I’m a horrible person. I am a horrible person. I mean, I’ve been sleeping with you, a man who isn’t my husband, for the past month.”

“You’re not a bad person.” Cooper’s voice was soft now, understanding. “You have needs just like anyone else.”

“Even though I’m not with Aaron romantically, I still tried to be faithful. About five years ago, I got drunk at a bar and had a one-night stand, but before you . . . before you, I hadn’t been touched in many years. I’d slept with two men for a grand total of twice, so all this, with you? It’s all still very new to me, and I know now that it was wrong.”

Cooper shook his head, his expression softening. “No, Corinne. You’re amazing for caring for Aaron this way for so long. I never knew him, but I can’t imagine he would want you to lay down your entire life like this. Do you think he would want you to sacrifice everything for him?”

“You sound like Mauve,” I said and let out a humorless laugh.

“There’s something I still don’t understand, though,” Cooper said.

“What’s that?”

“You said you guys were married. How did you . . . Was there a ceremony?”

I nodded. “Aaron didn’t have health insurance at the time, so there was a rush to get it done. I had the ceremony performed in his hospital bed. His care is still incredibly expensive, but back then, it was just insane. I didn’t buy us rings or anything; it wasn’t a romantic gesture. I just needed to be sure that I could take care of him like I needed to.”

Cooper nodded. “I understand.”

A beat of silence passed between us, and though I wanted to study his face, to try to understand how he was processing all this, I remained transfixed by the mug in front of me. After pouring out my heart to him, I didn’t have any energy left to see the hurt or confusion on his face.

“So, what now?” Cooper’s voice was deep and thoughtful.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. We can’t really be together, not in any real way. We can never be more than this.”

“Corinne—”

I shook my head, cutting him short. “This is why I tried to find the right words before. See, before Aaron, I had nobody and nothing. Without me, he has nobody and nothing. After everything we went through together, I can never leave him. And I won’t divorce him.” A tear slid down my cheek, and I swiped it away with the back of my hand. “You have to believe me when I tell you how sorry I am for not being honest with you from the beginning. You should have known everything, even if this was never meant to be serious. It was wrong of me to lie to you.”

Cooper shook his head. “I forgive you. Really, I do. I just . . . I don’t want to say good-bye.”

“We have to.” I choked out the words. “This—you and me—we can’t be casual lovers. You wouldn’t be happy, and I would always want more. I can’t spend my time neglecting Aaron when I’m with you, and wishing I was with you when I’m with Aaron. We just can’t work.”

“So that’s it?” Cooper asked dully, and for the first time, I truly knew the answer.

“Yes. I’m so, so sorry.”

He leaned across the table and kissed my cheek, his face pale and stark with grief. “Then good-bye, little dove.”

Another hot tear rolled down my cheek, and I swiped it away before jumping from my chair and dashing from the café.