Charlotte
I can’t go in there.
My ears feel like water has flooded every single nerve, drowning out the sounds around me. After Wes’s reaction outside the hospital, it’s easy to assume he knows more than I’d like him to. He leaves me to my own accord, stating I needed to go in on my own. A giant mistake on his part because the elevator ascends, and I push the third floor before we pass by to make my escape.
“Will you come pick me up?” I say to Rachel when she answers.
“What’s going on, sweetie?” The desperation in my voice has tipped her off. Her keys jingle in the background, and I know she’s already shuffling towards the door.
“He’s awake,” I whisper, fearful of two little words. They’re meaningless when separate, but together, they somehow become reflective of the direction my life has taken me.
“I’ll be there in a few minutes. Hang tight.” Click.
Five, maybe ten minutes later, Rachel pulls up outside of the emergency room. I’m sitting on a bench, wallowing in my own pity because why the fuck not. It can’t hurt at this point, now that I’ve screwed everything up beyond proportion.
“Want to go grab a milkshake, throw on some pajamas, and veg out?”
“Only if you promise to tell me I’m not a colossal piece of shit.” I open the door and slide in beside my best friend. She tilts her head in my direction, and her soft smile hits me straight in the stomach. She can’t tell me I’m not a piece of shit because both of us know I’ve made some not so wise decisions lately.
“How about that milkshake then?” I ask, resting my head back on the seat. The warmth from her hand on mine calms me, allowing me a split second to cut off the tears before they fall.
Rachel pulls through the drive-thru, orders chocolate milkshakes, and heads back to our apartment. No words are spoken until we are relaxed on the couch and hidden behind the safety of our door.
“Am I a shitty person?” I ask, spooning a pile of chocolate shake up and dropping it back into the Styrofoam cup. “Honestly, am I?”
“You’re not a shitty person, Char, but you don’t need me to tell you that.” Rachel steals the cherry off the top of my shake and pops it into her mouth. “What you are is a lost person. Or at least, you were a lost person.”
“I got on the elevator, punched his floor number, and before I could make it there, I bailed. What am I going to say to him?” I push my glass to the center of the table and hunch down into the couch. “And then there’s Wes, who, for the first time, looked at me like I stole something from him.”
“Don’t worry about Wes. He’ll get over whatever transpires, but as far as where to start, the truth isn’t a horrible place.”
“Even if I did tell him the truth, what does that look like?”
“Do you actually care, Charlotte?” Rachel’s wide-eyed glare irritates the hell out of me. “No offense, but do you?” Dammit, why do best friends have to be so wise and reasonable?
“I never meant to hurt anyone.” This is the truth. I didn’t set out to hurt anyone, but it feels like everyone is on the verge of losing something.
“Who are you more worried about hurting? Duke or Jacob?” She licks the end of her spoon.
I pull out my phone to see no missed calls, no text messages. Why isn’t he answering? I tuck it back into my purse.
“Duke, because I didn’t see him coming. He’s like a tornado, and I’m the small town that had no time to prepare for destruction.” A heavy weight lifts from my shoulders. Damn, that feels good to admit.
“There’s a reason why, Charlotte. He makes you feel alive. It’s about damn time you listen to your heart, and stop allowing your head to control you. Tell the truth. Scream it from the damn rooftop if you have to, but fucking do it for yourself, and don’t worry about who you hurt in the process. In the end, everyone will benefit from your honesty.”
All the intense pressure from the past weeks comes barreling down on me, like a ton of rocks tumbling down the side of a mountain. Fatigue sets in, and I immediately want to crash.
I stand from the couch, set my milkshake on the coffee table, and head towards the hallway.
“I’m going to go lay down for a little while,” I explain my departure from what I’m sure Rachel expected to be a deep conversation. There’s no fuel in my tank, though, and my feet drag behind me like cement blocks.
“Charlotte,” Rachel calls out, and I turn back around. She smiles and nods. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Then why do I feel like I’m the one to blame for all of this?” I force a smile, and go to my room.
I’m the one to blame. It’s the single thought that leads me to sleep. As if my subconscious mind is fully aware of my current situation, I have one of those dreams that feels real enough my senses are on full alert.
I smell the distinct aroma of Duke’s cologne. The silky taste of the raspberry drizzle on my pancakes is like lightning on my tongue, reminding me of our morning at the diner. That’s where it all changed for me. Duke shifted from being an unlikely friend to so much more. A rhythmic laughter escapes his throat, and I want to reach out to him, but when I do, there’s nothing there. No warm body to grasp. It’s like he’s disappeared, but he’s still there in front of me.
I spring up in bed. My chest burns for a decent breath to ease the pain, and sweat spreads across my brow. Fear creeps into every pore of my body, and as if I’ve lost something, a giant hole forms in the middle of my heart. It’s him.
What if what I’ve lost is the one thing I need?
“Where is my damn phone?” I slide my hand across the mattress until the metal cools my fingertips. “There you are.” The screen comes alive to an alert for one missed text.
Sorry I missed your calls. Headed to the hospital. I’ll call you when I leave. The text is time stamped from twenty minutes ago.
“Fucccccckkkk! No, this can’t be happening,” I shout, throwing the comforter to the floor and storming into the living room. “He’s at the hospital.” I slip on my shoes and turn to my best friend who’s looking at me like I’ve grown a second head. “Duke is at the hospital.”
“Oh shit, and you haven’t been... You haven’t had a chance to explain...” Rachel stutters.
“Yeah, no shit. Hence why I’m freaking the fuck out.” I point to my chest, the keys trembling in my hand.
“Let me drive you.” Rachel shoots off the couch and takes the keys from my grip. “You’re seconds from losing it. The last thing we need is you driving.” She slides into her flats and ushers me out of our apartment. She opens my car door like I’m too unstable. Maybe I am. My head is swimming with possibilities, and none of them end how I’d prefer.
As if luck is on our side, the streets are nearly empty. I stare out the window, willing Rachel to push a little harder on the gas pedal.
“I had a dream about Duke. It felt like I lost him. He was right in front of me, and something happened, and his warmth vanished.” I don’t know if I’m speaking to Rachel, expecting an answer, or if I’m just blurting thoughts.
“It was just a dream, Charlotte.” Rachel stops at the emergency room entrance.
“Was it?” The defeat is seared into my voice, and suddenly, sadness takes over, leading me from the safety of Rachel’s car and into the elevator.
I push the same button I’ve hit tons of times, but this time it feels different.
When they open, Wes stands outside the doors, eyeing the screen on his phone. As he notices me, his shoulder square, and he stands tall. If it was anyone else, I’d feel intimidated, but this is the boy who use to give me Band-Aids when I’d fall. He’s also the closest I’ll ever get to having a brother.
“Why did you even bother showing up here? Did you sneak out from the stairwell earlier? Too afraid to face him?” His faint smile disappears, replaced with a hateful smirk. “Did you and Duke ride together and figure it would sting less if you pretended to show up separately?”
“Duke’s still here?” I question, leaning around Wes to see down the hallway, but it’s empty.
“Like you don’t already know, Charlotte. The least you two could do is let him have a full day before parading whatever the hell it is you two are doing.” Animosity rolls off Wes like waves on Lake Michigan’s breaking wall, large and unpredictable.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about Wes.” I pass him, shaking my head. There is no time to sit here with him and explain myself. I glance back one last time because he’s family, and even with how wrong he is, disappointing him wrecks me.
“It’s pretty obvious.” Wes steps onto the now empty car and pushes the button, disappearing behind the metal doors.
This is it. Walk down this hallway, step into the hospital room, and tell the truth, even if it hurts. Quietly, and with deliberate small steps, I creep down the hallway. One of Jacob’s regular nurses spots me. When she waves, I pause, feeling out of place. I lift my heavy arm and wiggle my fingers into something resembling a friendly gesture.
I push myself forward to enter the room, only to be halted by the voices rising behind the bleak grey door.
“I hooked up with Charlotte,” Duke says. “And before you kill me, please hear me out.”
The long, silent pause worries me. No one is speaking.
“The actual fuck are you talking about?” A small laugh escapes Jacob. I know he isn’t quite sure what he’s hearing. His left eyebrow is probably perked up, like it is every time he doesn’t quite understand what is happening.
“Charlotte, your Charlotte.” Even out here, I hear the worry in Duke’s voice, but more than that, I sense the apology. The way he refers to me as Jacob’s brings on a heavy ache.
I step forward when Jacob doesn’t say anything. More silence meets me when I press my ear to the door.
“You can have any girl on campus, so why her?” Jacob’s words are spoken in a whisper. The sadness and confusion are enough to tilt my world on its side.
Maybe I haven’t taken the time to fully comprehend the full spectrum of our situation. Humans are naturally selfish. We look out for ourselves first, with a sprinkle of everyone else we care about. It’s how it is, and how it will always be. I’ll never apologize for following my heart, though.
“Do I really have to explain it to you?” The chair I’ve occupied many mornings grinds on the tiled floor. Duke’s making himself comfortable with no intentions of leaving until this is resolved.
“We can both make a list of reasons why she’s easy to love, and they’d probably damn near be the same,” Jacob replies. “What I don’t understand is why you feel the need to explain it to me?”
“What?”
“I appreciate you telling me before I found out from someone else, but I don’t think this is necessary.”
Oh fuck, move your feet, Charlotte. This is where you come in.
A long sheet of blonde hair rushes past me, and the door swings fully open, revealing the hospital room. Like I can’t quite understand what’s happening, I stand frozen until the girl whips her hair around. My feet move me into the room, and the four of us have a stand-off. Who’s going to speak first?
“Now isn’t the time,” Jacob says, holding his hand up towards Stacey.
Stacey rests her hand on her stomach, silently begging Jacob to do something. What, I’m not sure. I thought it’s Duke she’s been following, but with her tender, caring eyes on Jacob, I’d say I’ve had it wrong all along.
“Charlotte!” Duke stands to his feet, his eyes darting around the room, frantic to ease some of the tension trickling between the four of us.
“Jesus Christ!” Jacob whisper yells to himself when he finally notices me standing just beyond the privacy curtain.
“Do you want to tell her, or should I?” Stacey says, glancing back at me.
“Tell me what?” Stacey’s attitude should piss me off, but I’m too confused to care.
“Again, now isn’t the time. I’m still trying to process the fact that these two have been sleeping together.” Jacob points to Duke and me.
“I said I was sorry,” Duke adds.
“And you think that’s enough?” Jacob chortles, and the tension rises to unprecedented levels.
“What about me?” Stacey steps forward.
“Okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but what the hell do you have to do with this?” I sneer in her direction.
“Jacob.” Stacey’s voice is stern. “Oh my god. You guys aren’t together, are you? You said you broke up with her?”
What the actual fuck did she just say?
“I must be losing my hearing, because I don’t think I heard you.” I turn my anger on Jacob as all the puzzle pieces fall into place.
“You broke up with her?” Duke barks, his attention on Jacob before it turns to me.
I set down the dynamite weeks ago, might as well push the detonator.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. He didn’t break up with me. I broke up with him,” I blurt, angry the four people in this room are on four different pages. Heck, we may as well be reading separate books.
“What are you talking about?” Duke’s voice is low, sexy, and angry as hell. “You broke up with him?” His eyes seer into mine,
I wrap my hand around his forearm, but he jerks away. Well, that stings. “That’s why I’ve been calling you, Duke. I didn’t want you to find out this way.”
“So, you two aren’t together?” Duke gestures to the two of us but doesn’t make eye contact.
“I thought she told you, man.” The apology in Jacob’s voice is more confusing than whatever the hell is going on.
“Yeah, well, she didn’t.” Duke paces in front of me, pulling at his hair while he has a silent conversation with himself. Stacey smirks like she’s prepared to blow more of my life into smithereens.
“Stacey, can you please leave? This is none of your business.” I may say that, but I know it isn’t true. She’s here for a reason, and it’s not to lend me a shoulder to cry on.
“I have every right to be in here.”
Duke steps around me and looms over Stacey. Not one inch of her can be seen. As mad as he is, he still feels the need to protect me, and judging by Jacob’s labored breathing, I’d say my life is about to turn into an even bigger mess.