My foot sank into the copper sand and a lifelong dream had come true. It couldn’t get any better. Except, well, if the two assholes behind me hadn’t been there to ruin it.

I tried to put them out of my mind and instead focused on every amazing detail of the planet I had been amazed by since I was in diapers.

The particles were as fine as a Caribbean beach beneath my boot, while jagged pebbles and larger stones peppered the outer crust. The surface of Mars was as barren as expected.

Not far in the distance, high peaks poked into the hazy beige sky. The color was formed by the carbon dioxide winds whipping the dirt particles in the air at fierce speeds. Thin, gray clouds marred the sky, attempting to hide the pinprick of white that was the sun.

What looked to be ancient riverbeds had carved their way through the face of the planet, creating empty ditches. There were no plants. No water. No oxygen. And no mankind...

It was perfect.

I smiled out at the strange world, bathing in the planet’s cold temperature and my own success. This was everything I had trained and studied for. The whole reason I had joined the Planetary Expeditions for Nature Undertaken in Space, or PENUS for short. This moment right here — this was my moment.

“Move it, Morgan.” Captain Clark’s voice was gruff over the intercom and silvery with age. “Don’t just stand around. This isn’t a pageant. We’re here to work.”

“Out of the way, Mia,” Andrew’s voice rang in my ears as he pushed past me.

I lost my balance in my awkward suit and went flying, but in slow motion, because the gravity here wasn’t nearly as strong as gravity on earth. Anger boiled in my veins as impact drew near. Eating shit wasn’t how I planned to spend my first few minutes on Mars.

“Didn’t do so well on the gravity training did you?” Captain Clark asked as his helmeted head poked out from the ship, watching me glide to my demise.

I had half the mind to throw a handful of sand in his face and rush him. The fight flashed through my mind like a red dream. My hands around his suited neck, slamming him into the spaceship wall, one glorious punch after another.

But I bit back my temper. It wasn’t worth it. Being an astronaut was more important to me than giving a coworker whiplash and a possible concussion. Even though it would have been pretty satisfying.

“Captain.” Andrew’s voice flew to my ears over the intercom. “I found the entrance to the camp. It’s located exactly where the agency said it would be.”

“Hurry up and get on your feet, Morgan,” Captain Clark clucked at me before he trotted out to Andrew with long, bounding strides like a leaping ballerina.

With fire still swirling through me, I did my best to pull myself back onto my feet, but it wasn’t easy. The reduction of gravity on the Martian surface made walking and standing somewhat of a delicate dance.

“It looks like everything is still intact,” Andrew commented. His voice lacked emotion and took on a militaristic tone like he was pretending he was in a video game or something.

“Standby for entry,” Clark said. “I want our penis lover here before we enter the bay.”

Andrew’s laughter roared in my ears.

It was a joke the two of them hadn’t been able to get over since the three of us were introduced. “My title is not penis lover,” I snapped.

Well, technically it was. My official title was Planetary Expeditions for Nature Undertaken in Space’s Logistical Operator of Verification in Response. Or in short, PENUS LOVR.

PENUS was an international space agency that was founded by thirty-three countries, and unlucky for me, the Chinese were in charge of picking all of the names and their shitty abbreviations.

“I am the Logistical Operator of Verification in Response for the Planetary Expeditions for Nature Undertaken in Space,” I said

“Well, would you prefer lover of penis then?” Andrew cackled. “It has a nice formal ring to it.”

“No, I’d rather you just not use the short form of my title. Just call me an agent, like we call all of our other coworkers and colleagues.”

“So, you want me to call you an agent of penis?” I could hear Andrew fighting back tears.

“It’s PENUS, not penis,” I quipped as I rounded upon the old camp.

It was a series of tall white bubbles, reinforced by a metal hexagon pattern. You couldn’t see inside the complex, but from within, the white plastic should be practically invisible. The bubble system was connected through a series of interlocking halls. It was designed and engineered by the Dutch to combat Mars’ destructive weather patterns. Even the wind turbine off to the side had been constructed from a special reinforced metal meant to withstand the grueling sandstorms that would crush a normal turbine into smithereens. This one spun with a lazy gait and looked as though it had already seen some action, given the dusting of red soil.

“We are all agents of penis on this blessed day,” Captain Clark said.

“You two need to grow up.” I tried to minimize the growl in my voice. I hoped the intercom might muffle some of it, but my stifled outburst was only met with more laughter.

The eleven month long trip with these two was agony. If there was an escape pod on the shuttle, I would have used it.

I couldn’t see the expressions on their faces through the bronze sheen of our visors, but Andrew hunched over, propping himself up on his knees while Captain Clark leaned back in a howl with his hands on his hips.

They were children. Both of them. And I would strangle them the first chance I got, using my purple 13’ silicone dildo.

“Let’s enter,” I said, ignoring the chuckles that continued to roll into my helmet. “Andrew, do you have the code?” I lifted my finger ready to punch in the digits onto the keypad.

“Yes,” he answered. “It’s Six.”

”Six,” I repeated. My index finger touched the designated number. The surface covering the keypad was thick, almost like an impenetrable gel.

“Nine.”

“Nine.” I jabbed the button on the bottom right.

“Six.”

“Six.” My finger returned to the number just above the nine.

“Nine,” Andrew said as he let out a squeezed squeal.

“Nine.”

The screen transformed from a turquoise blue to a blaring red. ‘DENIED’ appeared before my eyes in all caps. What the hell? “Andrew, are you sure that’s correct? It’s saying— ”

A roar of laughter drowned out my voice. I turned to see the two men doubled over.

“She actually entered it,” Andrew said between giggles.

Six. Nine. Six. Nine. Sixty-nine, sixty-nine. My lips flattened. These little jokes of theirs mocked the years I had spent studying and training. Bit by bit they are turning my life’s passion into a running joke.

“You are too funny, penis lover,” Captain Clark said as he straightened, clapping me on the shoulder with his gloved hand. “Stand aside. I’ll enter the code.”

“Yes, sir,” I said through gritted teeth.

I did as my commanding officer requested and watched as he punched in the numbers six – two – four – eight.

“Lighten up, Morgan,” Andrew said, noticing I hadn’t laughed. “It was just a little joke.”

I had spent the last eleven months listening to his stupid ‘little’ jokes. I was sick of them, and I was determined not to let his immature sense of humor ruin the single most defining moment of my life.

“Whatever,” I replied. “Let’s just focus on the mission, please.”

The door slipped open in a soundless slide. A small chamber cast in metals and white plastics opened before us. Along two walls ran a series of hooks and cabinets, used to store our spacesuits and gear. At the far end was another door with a keypad attached. It was thick, and the frame was set in a polished alloy.

“So serious,” Andrew mocked me, but I chose to ignore him.

We entered the airlock, and the thick outer door closed behind us, sealing us inside. The sharp chirp of an alarm blared three times, announcing the beginning of the depressurization process. Seconds later my boots felt heavier, my suit clung tighter to my body, and my arms dropped down to my sides. Then, the alarm chirped again, calling out the end of the sequence.

“All right, suits off,” Captain Clark said.

I lifted my arms, unclasped the lock on my helmet, and lifted the hard plastic casing from my shoulders. While the vacuum seal and constant ventilation kept the air within my helmet breathable, it certainly wasn’t comfortable. My lungs inflated with sweet, dry relief as I peeled the spacesuit from my body. The neo-neoprene jumpsuit was the only thing left when I was finished.

Captain Clark punched in the same four-digit code once more, and the door into the camp slid open. The three of us stepped into an almost pristine display. Everything was still orderly and kept in a way that met basic procedures. There was no immediate sign of a struggle, nor did there appear to be any major damage inflicted onto the camp’s structure.

“You got your tablet, Morgan?” Captain Clark asked.

“Shit.” I dashed back to my suit and unzipped the compartment on the front. Fine red dust clung to my fingers. My hand slipped inside, and I retrieved a thin, rectangular tablet.

“Make sure you scan every item in the room. You understand?” Captain Clark’s tone was sobering. He meant for us to strap down and get serious. His glacial blue eyes drilled the point in as they narrowed on me.

“I got it.” I didn’t need somebody telling me how to do my job. Scanning items and registering equipment were two of my trained tasks at PENUS.

I began turning over different components within the white bubble complex, swiping their barcodes across the small scanner. A tiny beep sounded out with every single swipe. I felt like a damn checkout clerk at a grocery store.

I moved about the orb room with the soft beep, beep, beep following me. The deeper I dug in my investigation, the more ominous the entire thing seemed. There was a card game half-done on a table nearby. Personal items were still stacked in their own appropriate storage cubes. Section after section that I scanned returned with nothing missing.

It wasn’t right. It didn’t make sense.

My mind strained to put the puzzle pieces together, and there were a 1000 of them. It was like the entire crew had just up and disappeared, leaving without anything on their person.

Why would somebody do that? Did something happen?

These five astronauts were trained scientists and engineers. They wouldn’t have just abandoned camp and faced the elements of Mars without protection. That meant death. Unless there was something else in here that was more frightening than death — something that had chased them out.

“Anything missing, penis lover?” Andrew asked. His lips split with a spry smile.

“No.” My eyes narrowed. My tongue longed to whip out a couple insults but I kept it at bay.

I didn’t know why their stupid jokes made me so angry — I’m lying. I did know why.

It was because I was the farthest thing from a penis lover. Men always wanted sex and intimacy to revolve around their dicks. They always expected us to drop onto our knees and worship their thin veiny worm as though it were a God. When chances were that you were probably about to suffer through the worst sexual encounter of your life.

I hadn’t had sex in four years, and that last time was mediocre at best. Before that sad and pathetic night, I had been on a two-year cold streak. Sex wasn’t all it was cracked up to be and neither were cocks. I didn’t need to spend my evenings begging for pleasure and struggling to get off. I was passed that. I was passed sex. I was passed men and relationships. I had my science, and that was all I needed.

If my body was really begging for it … Well, I had 10 fingers and a purple dildo.

“Captain, Morgan,” Andrew called out to us. His arm waved frantically, beckoning us to come near.

“What is it?” I asked, looking up from my tablet’s screen.

“The land transportation vehicle,” he answered. “It’s missing.”

We stepped back out onto the alien landscape, and the airlock door shut behind us. We pranced over with the grace of marshmallows to where the land transportation vehicle’s tire marks were carved into the sand.

“The tracks lead off in that direction,” I said, pointing to a nearby range of mountains and low rolling foothills.

“Should we follow them?” Andrew asked.

Captain Clark didn’t say anything right away, but I could hear his breathing over the intercom. His head angled downward, and his bronze visor observed the trail. “We’ll just take a quick look. Nothing extensive. Our muscles have yet to rebuild what we lost during our flight here. We’ll perform a full search tomorrow morning.” His boot lifted, beginning the long march across the surface of Mars. “Let’s move out.”

We passed through the barren landscape in long strides. Our boots left trails in the red sand, covering the tracks of the rover. Steep cliffs, rocky mountains, and blowing winds surrounded us. The planet had been painted one color with the sky matching. The lack of variation was dulling to the senses.

After at least a half an hour, the path took a quick turn to the right and sharply slanted downward. It practically looked like a dirt slide. At its end was a dark mouth — a cave.

“Continue on,” Captain Clark said, urging us forward.

The slope was difficult to descend. I had to walk sideways with my feet cutting into the ground in order to maintain an upright position. The other two quickly followed suit after Andrew slid and landed flat on his ass. The steep trek didn’t end until we were toe to toe with the cave.

“The vehicle is over here,” Andrew said, pointing behind a huge rock. I took a peek and cringed when I saw the abandoned land transportation vehicle covered in a thick coat of red sand. It had been there for a while.

We approached the dark entrance of the cave with apprehension. Nobody said anything, but my AI let me know that all three of our heart rates were elevated. There was no hiding the fact that each one of us was on pins and needles. The old crew had entered this cave just before they disappeared.

“Do we go in?” I asked Captain Clark.

“Oxygen levels are getting kind of low,” Andrew said. There was a shake of fear in his voice.

“Oxygen levels are fine. They will hold for another couple of hours, maybe more,” I corrected. I knew he was just saying that so we wouldn’t enter the cave.

“Proceed,” was the only word that came out of Captain Clark’s mouth. But nobody took a step forward.

My chest tightened as we stared into the deep. I was scared stiff, but this was my chance to prove to them that I was capable. That I was damn good at my job and that ovaries were the stuff of steel.

I lifted my arm and tapped the light on top of my helmet. Its fluorescent glow beamed ahead of me, casting the tunnel before us in a bluish hue. I lifted my foot and entered the cave, despite the sickening knot my gut had unraveled itself into. Everything inside of me screamed no, but I had a duty and a service to do. This was everything I had trained for.

My two colleagues followed behind, not making a sound. The cave had killed their humor, and I couldn’t have been more pleased.

From what I could make out from the faint light, the cave was less of a cave and more of a tunnel. Dark reddish-brown rock lined the ribbed sides like the walls of a vagina. I hoped the two dicks with me would be able to last longer than a few minutes inside.

The ground was soft from the ultrafine particles of dirt but still super dry. For some reason, it felt more like earth’s gravity in here and my footing felt much more secure.

We passed through a cross-section of tunnels, and my visor began to glow. It was soft at first but quickly brightened. Bronze light poured out, combining with the small fluorescent light to create a cold golden glow that chased all the shadows away.

“What the— ” Andrew didn’t finish the statement, as his own helmet illuminated as well, followed by Captain Clark’s.

“Alien technology,” I muttered.

“What?” Captain Clark asked.

“Alien technology,” I repeated. “The organization added alien tech to our suits.”

I had heard rumors throughout the organization that an alien spacecraft was found in Mongolia — the first recovered since Area 51 in 1947. It was rumored that the apprehended spacecraft had advanced alien technology.

A few years ago, I had gone on a couple of bad dates with a PENUS engineer named Glen who claimed that he had dissected and added that alien tech to the new astronaut suits. He was drunk at the time and trying to get into my pants, so I figured it was just a weak attempt to impress me.

“What’s that over there?” Captain Clark pointed to the side of the tunnel as though he hadn’t even heard me.

There was a metal handle lodged between two dark copper stones. It stuck out, inviting someone to come rescue it.

“It’s a High Freck Gun,” I answered. I recognized its wide-angled butt anywhere.

It was a very expensive handheld piece of equipment that cut through rock and pretty much anything with a laser. The laser was formed by a blast of high-frequency sounds that were inaudible to the human ear. The gun was a prized possession within any crew. It wasn’t just something you left lying around.

“Something bad happened here,” Captain Clark said. There was no response given because we both knew he was right. After some time, he waved his arm forward. “Let’s keep moving.”

“Are you sure we shouldn’t turn around and head back to camp?” Andrew asked.

“Who’s the penis lover now, you pussy?” I teased him.

“Cut it out, Morgan. I need the two of you focused and paying attention,” Captain Clark barked.

I bit my tongue, annoyed.

We proceeded down the tunnel in silence. Every now and then my helmet would beep, alerting me to the change in either body temperature, lung capacity, heart rate, or pupil dilation amongst the three of us.

After what felt like an eternity of us descending into the red planet, we stumbled upon a torn piece of spacesuit, a couple of surveying tools, and a pair of broken glasses lying in the middle of the tunnel. To the side, were the remains of a human body that had been picked to the bone.

“Oh my God. Is that— ” Andrew began but was cut off by the abrupt shaking below our boots.

The vibrations were subtle at first, like a tickle on the underside of my foot. I wasn’t even sure if I was really experiencing them or hallucinating.

“What the fuck?” Captain Clark mumbled. “When was the last documented seismic activity in this area?”

The rumble progressed to a violent shiver. Almost like an earthquake — or a marsquake?

A glossy black something shined in the light of our visors. It had a head the size of an SUV and then started charging at us with the speed of one. The massive creature was worm-like but when it opened its mouth, hundreds of rows of sharp teeth were laid exposed.

“Run!” I screamed.

Just before I turned and lunged into my sprint, a large blob of opaque wetness flew past me and hit Captain Clark. It covered him from head to toe.

“What is this?” he asked with panic in his voice as he lifted his hand. The substance was thick, gooey, and sticky. It had a milky color to it and dribbled down him in globs. “Oh my God. It’s eating through my suit. It’s eating through my suit!”

I took off. There was nothing I could do to save him, and I wasn’t going to stick around to satisfy my curiosity.

My arms pumped, and my boots pelted the ground, driving me forward. My lungs beat with an unbearable pound. My legs were on fire. I was desperate to save myself.

Captain Clark’s screams built behind me until they died off in an agonizing gurgle.

“Oh my fucking God,” Andrew shrieked over the intercom, sprinting at my side.