Chapter Nine - Lola
2 Weeks Later - Tuesday
I am not entirely sure what I have been doing, but whatever it is, I can’t stop now. In the beginning I didn’t like him, then I was playing hard to get, then things got out of control, and now I haven’t seen him since the day he came to see me in grandma’s room. If he hates me, I guess he has a reason to, but I had my own reasons for acting the way I did. I had a lot on my mind and he was the last person I wanted to see then — that was probably because I got to see him every now and again, and I didn’t realize how awful it would feel to not see him. But he didn’t come to get an answer from me and started ignoring me. I have tried talking to him but he speeds up and disappears whenever I see him. The Head of the Fort has asked me to be their next Wicce, to replace my grandma when she dies, and while I don’t really want to do it, it feels like an honor to take the place of my grandma. And so I have agreed.
On top of having to learn in days what takes years to learn, I have missed my period. I am probably pregnant. It is something that I really want, have wanted for a long time, but it comes at the cost of love, and I am not even sure whether he loves me or not. Was I just a passing fancy? At the same time, I can’t bring myself to take the pregnancy test. What if I am just sick and not pregnant? I don’t want to have to choose between Valnoir and my child. But he was pretty clear about not wanting to have children, so where does that leave me? At times like this, I want to go back to my mother’s house. Like they say, ‘Home is where mother is.’
“Grandma, I want to ask you something,” I say, after my lesson with her ends.
“Ask, my dear.”
“Why does mother hate me?”
“She doesn’t hate you,” Grandma says.
“We both know that’s not true. I don’t have a single happy memory with her. You were there, you have seen all that. Or is that not true?”
“All of that is true, but none of that means she hates you.”
“What does it mean then? I tried to be there for her when my father died, and she practically kicked me out of her house. She didn’t even invite me to the party she held to honor him.”
“It’s not that she hates you,” Grandma says. “It’s just that she doesn’t love you in the way you want.”
“Why? Because I’m a witch and she isn’t?”
“She’s got prophetic abilities—”
“But she hates me for it because she didn’t get to be a witch. Is that not true?”
“Lola, you surprise me. I could never have imagined that you would become this negative. Your mother hides her feelings for you because she doesn’t want to get hurt.”
“I have never done anything to hurt her—”
“Let me finish,” Grandma interrupts. “When you were born, your mother in all her motherly concern did a tarot reading to see your future. I was there when she did it. Nobody knows what she saw, but the moment she read those cards something in her shifted. She took one look and immediately pushed them back into the deck, and never spoke of what she saw. But I figure whatever it is that she saw, it wasn’t good.”
“So I’m doomed?”
“You’re not doomed, silly. I said what she saw wasn’t good. She may have misinterpreted the cards. The thing is that predicting the future isn’t a precise art. Look at it this way, somebody tells you that there’s a ‘stroke’ in your future. What would you think of it?”
“Maybe that I’ll get a heatstroke, I think.”
“Precisely. But it could also mean a stroke of good luck, or that you will have a baby.”
“Oh.”
“But your mother refused to tell me what she saw, and withdrew from you. It hit her hard, you know. She’s been hiding in her shell since then.”
“But that doesn’t change the fact that she hasn’t been there for me. And she doesn’t let me get close to her.”
“It doesn’t. I’ll say it like it is. Mayumi May is an arrogant, conceited, vain woman. And she has been a bad mother.”
“Do you think I should try talking to her? I haven’t talked to her since father died.”
“There’s no point in trying, she has gone too far. Let her live her life the way she wants, but don’t let that stop you from having a good life of your own. You are a grown woman now, stop seeking her approval and love and make your own way. After all, you are going to be a mother soon.”
“We don’t know that for sure yet.”
“Yes, we do,” she says. “Look at the way you’re glowing. Don’t run from it, just embrace it. You are not your mother. And go tell that prince about it.”
That is all I needed to hear. I am not my mother. I won’t be like her.
“Thank you, grandma,” I say, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. “This means a lot.”
I leave the Fort for the first time in weeks, ready to take the reins of my life. I head to the pharmacy first, get a pregnancy test and go back to my apartment. As I pee on the stick and wait for the results, I pray to the forces of nature: Please, please, please be positive. Please let me be pregnant. Please let me be pregnant! Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, I look at the stick. It is positive. I am pregnant!
I have to start a new chapter in my life. I go back to the hospital and hand in my resignation letter, then book an appointment for a scan. Having contacts in the hospital, it doesn’t take long. The doctor lifts my shirt and spreads the gel over my stomach, then points to the screen as he moves a scanner on my body.
“There’s your baby.”
“It’s so tiny,” I say.
“You won’t believe how fast they grow. Congratulations!”
“Is everything fine with it?”
“It’s too early and a number of things can go wrong, but so far everything looks perfect. You have nothing to worry about.”
Next stop is my mother’s place. The guard lets me in with a warning: “She isn’t in a good mood.”
“She never is,” I reply.
I find her perched on the same stainless steel sofa in the same posture. Everything about her looks the same, except her clothes and shoes.
“Mother, there is something I want to say to you.” She doesn’t reply, just looks at me, then nods lightly for me to go on.
“I am pregnant,” I tell her, and wait for her to respond. She doesn’t, just looks at me as if I haven’t said anything, as if I am not there at all. “And you know what, I won’t fail my child like you did. I won’t become you. I will be there for my child and I will be a good mother. I am not you.”
“And you came all the way here just to tell me this? Is it money you need?”
“No, I just wanted to tell you that you failed me to your face. You’ll never see me again.”
“What makes you think I would have wanted to see you again after all you have said to me?”
“One day when you are old and miserable, you will realize how wrong you were about everything. Those friends of yours will abandon you, and this money that you so love and all your fame, none of that will buy you the love of family. That’s when you’ll want to see me, and I won’t be there.”
Okay, I might have gone a little too far, but that woman just sat there in front of me with a poker face. So I get up and leave, going back to the place that I am getting used to: the Fort, my new home. Whether Valnoir accepts me or not, I will be there and he will be around.