Chapter Nine

Mordecai stared through the window of the van, watching the black silhouettes of trees go by against the dark blue background of the sky beyond. He had no concept of how long they had been on the road and didn’t know when they might stop. He was still trying to get accustomed to the idea of time as it passed for everyone else in the world. When he was living in the facility under Ryan’s rule, time was what the scientist wanted it to be. Rather than their lives being dictated by the specified time that ticked by on the clock, Ryan determined how their time passed. He orchestrated their behaviors with signals and conditions, forcing them into what he wanted them to do on the timetable that he wanted them to do it on without any control or compulsion from them. He awoke to the sound of a loud buzzer, reported to meals at the sound of bells, went to each of his activities and responsibilities according to the other sounds that he heard throughout the day. It was one of the most challenging and foreign elements of life that he faced after he escaped from the facility and from Ryan.

Time was suddenly his. It was no longer a weapon, no longer one more thing that had been kept from him from the moment of his birth and monopolized by the cruel man who had crafted him as if from animated metal. The day that had been one solid span of time broke into hours that splintered into minutes and dissolved into a cascade of seconds that felt as countless as the stars. He knew that the sudden appearance of these definitions in his life should have felt more restrictive, but somehow, they were incredibly liberating. He knew the parameters of the days and could use them as he pleased. There was freedom in not needing to rely on sounds and signals to dictate what he was going to do from moment to moment. He never had to wait for what he would be told to do next or guess the time of day based on the progression of his activities. Instead, he allowed his mind to tell him what to do and followed it however he wanted to.

In that moment, Mordecai was engulfed in the silence of the vehicle. Only Aubrey was still awake. The others had slipped into sleep some time ago, but he had wanted to stay awake. Though he had been in vehicles before, the trip from the laboratory to Nana’s house had been the longest time that he had ever traveled, and now this journey had gone on much further than that. He was learning just how big the world was, and he knew that he was only seeing a tiny fraction of it. His mind went to the rest of the group that had left Earth and were now on the distant planet of Penthos. He knew of Penthos. Though he had never been there himself, Mordecai had heard Ryan mention the training there and had heard some of the other hybrids mention the time that they had spent on the desert planet when selected for the training program there. There had been moments when he had wished that he had been chosen to go there, if only to see and experience something different, but the training there was brutal, far worse than what they went through on Earth.

Looking back at his life in the facility through the prism of the freedom that he had now was strange. Mordecai felt like his mind was starting to buff away the memories. In the larger picture of his life, it hadn’t been long since he had left there, yet he could already feel his mind protecting itself by scrubbing away the most intense horror of what he had gone through. He had started to interject more awareness, more individuality into that experience than he knew that he had. It was comforting in a way. Things had happened in the glistening hidden hallways of the laboratory and larger facility that he never wanted to have to think about again. Yet, he didn’t want to fully forget all of his years there. Though he assumed that many of the hybrids would take being released as their opportunity to completely put everything that had happened to them behind them and start a totally new life, that wasn’t how Mordecai wanted to live. He wanted to remember where he came from and what he persevered. As long as he could remember those things, he would never take a moment that he had for granted. As long as he could remember those, he would live a life devoted to protecting all those who needed it and striving to never let the same things happen again.

Beside him a tender cooing sound broke Mordecai out of his thoughts and he turned away from the window to look at Ilya. She was curled into the seat, her legs as close to her body as her swollen belly permitted, and a jacket was draped over her. Her face was peaceful, and he stared into it for a few moments, transfixed by her beauty. He felt drawn to her in a way that he had never experienced and that he didn’t fully understand. It was a feeling that he was wholly unfamiliar with and yet, he wanted to explore it more. He felt incredibly conflicted. At once he was deeply attracted to her and wanted nothing more than to be able to spend more time with her and learn more about her. On the other, he still couldn’t stop thinking about the relationship that she had had with Ryan. It simply didn’t make sense and he didn’t know how it should change what he felt for her or if it would change what she might ever be able to feel for him. He knew the pain of knowing that he had spent his entire life a slave and a weapon, but it had been beyond his control. He couldn’t imagine how it must have felt for Ilya to know that she had willingly spent time with him, giving of herself to him, and was then betrayed in such a horrible way.

Ilya’s face suddenly crumpled and the soft sound that she had made turned into a whine that sounded as though she were in pain. Her eyes remained closed, but her expression tightened further, and she appeared anxious and afraid. Mordecai reached out and rested his hand on her arm, gently shaking her, wanting to wake her out of the nightmare that she was obviously having, but not wanting to startle her. The whine grew louder and higher, and Mordecai shook her harder. Just as her body jumped and she gasped awake, the van turned, and Mordecai felt the path beneath them become bumpy and uneven. Ilya sat up sharply and looked around, seeming not to realize that it had been Mordecai’s touch that had brought her out of her sleep.

“Everybody?” Aubrey’s voice came from the front of the van. “We’re going to go ahead and stop for the night. I think that everybody could use a few hours of sleep somewhere a little more comfortable than bunched up in seats. There’s a campground up ahead just a little ways. We’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Gannon and Willow stirred and sat up, stretching and yawning. All three looked around with the slight disorientation of not being sure where they were or how long they had been sleeping. When the van stopped, they climbed out and Mordecai looked around at the large clearing. There were no other vehicles visible and he assumed that they were the only ones to be using the grounds. Jonah climbed out of the van after him and walked around to the back to open the hatch. He moved aside some of the luggage and started to pull out the camping equipment that was tucked there. Mordecai stepped up beside him and reached into the van to pull out what Jonah couldn’t manage himself. Soon the ground was cluttered with bags and Aubrey and Willow began to unpack them. One-by-one Jonah, Gannon, and Mordecai set up the tents. Aubrey followed behind, placing instant mattresses at the front of each and unrolling them so that they filled the floor of each tent. Willow then came behind her and laid out sleeping bags on top. It was a smooth, systematic rhythm that ensured that the camp was set up in a matter of minutes.

The group dissipated and soon all but Mordecai had disappeared into their tents and zipped them closed against the night. It would only be a matter of a few short hours before they would need to get up and be back on the road, but the rest of the group seemed determined to make the most of every moment that they had. Mordecai hesitated getting inside the final tent. When he was in the facility, the hybrids slept in large, warehouse-like dormitories. The brightly lit rooms were filled with triple bunk beds lined along the walls so that as many of the could fit into the dormitory as possible. There was no concept of privacy and the meager comforts that they were given seemed only adequate to establish that these were, in fact, beds. He considered sleeping outside, simply spreading a sleeping bag out on the soft earth of the clearing and enjoying the gentle breeze. As he thought of that, however, he knew that it wasn’t an option. He would be far too visible if he remained outside and he couldn’t allow himself to put the rest of the group in danger because he didn’t want to feel contained within the tent.

Even if he wasn’t able to stay outside for the entire night, he wanted to spend a few more moments in the quiet. Mordecai took a blanket and carried it with him through the sparse trees on one side of the clearing. He could see rocks through them and beyond that, it looked like nothingness. Curious, he walked past the trees and out onto a wide cliff that hung over the edge of a ravine. He settled onto the rock and draped the blanket loosely around his shoulders. For a few moments he simply stared out over the ravine, letting his eyes trace over the patterns of the rocks and to marvel at the depth of the chasm. Suddenly he heard something from behind him. He turned over his shoulder and saw Ilya hesitating beside one of the trees at the edge of the clearing, leaning against it slightly. She appeared to be watching him, but didn’t start or try to move away when he saw her.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hello,” Mordecai said. “Is everything alright? Are we already getting ready to leave?”

Ilya pushed away from the tree and took a step toward him, shaking her head.

“No,” she said. “Everyone’s sleeping. I just couldn’t fall asleep. I noticed that you headed this way, so I thought I could come see if you were still awake, too. I’m sorry if I disturbed you.”

Mordecai shook his head, possibly a touch too hard, wanting to make sure that she saw that he didn’t want her to return to the clearing.

“No,” he said. “You didn’t disturb me. I couldn’t sleep, either. I’ve just been sitting here.”

“Would you mind if I sat with you for a few minutes?”

“Not at all. Please.”

Ilya’s full lips turned up in a slight, relieved smile and she came toward him. Mordecai took the blanket from around his shoulders and settled it around hers when she sat down beside him. Her smile widened faintly, and she took the sides of the blanket in her hands to pull it more tightly around her.

“There are so many stars,” she murmured almost absently, sounding as though she didn’t fully intend on him hearing her. He made an acknowledging sound and she glanced over at him. “I forgot how many stars there were. After so long without seeing the sky, it all becomes sort of a blur.”

“You didn’t get to go outside when you were in the breeding facility?” Mordecai asked.

He didn’t like putting the question in that way, but he wanted to talk to her more. He hoped that mentioning the facility wasn’t going to upset her to the point that she would decide to go back to her tent. Instead, she sighed and shook her head, turning back to look up at the stars again.

“I think that some of the other women were allowed to go outside sometimes. At least into the greenhouses and biodomes to work with the crops. Not me. Once he had his hands on me, he wasn’t going to let go for a second. He couldn’t bear the thought of not having control over me and he probably knew that the first opportunity I had, I would try to escape and tell anybody who would listen what was going on in that facility.”

“Why was he so determined to keep you?” Mordecai asked.

“I told you,” Ilya said. “We had been in a relationship.”

“I know, but the way you told us, it seemed that he was the one who had moved on with another woman. I don’t understand why if that was the case, he would be so determined to take you.” Mordecai saw Ilya’s jaw tighten and he regretted asking. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have…”

“No, it’s alright,” she said. “It only makes sense that you would be curious. I would be, too.” She looked at him and Mordecai felt her eyes run over him briefly. “I am curious.”

“There isn’t anything about me to be curious about,” Mordecai said. “I was born in the facility. I lived my entire life there until Eden and Pyra came and freed us.”

“Do you know your parents?” she asked.

Mordecai shook his head.

“No. I have no idea who – or even what – they were. My earliest memories are in the nursery.”

She hesitated for a moment and Mordecai noticed that she was looking down at her belly and one of her hands was moving under the blanket, running along the curve of her growing baby.

“Do you wish that you knew them?”

There was pain and heaviness in the question, something in the words that went well beyond simply inquiring about his past.

“I never really thought about it,” he said honestly. “Growing up, having parents wasn’t something that I ever even considered.”

“How about now?” she asked.

Mordecai shrugged.

“It’s not something that matters to me. I don’t think that it would have any real benefit to my life if I was to find out who they were. I know that they didn’t have me because they wanted me. Now that I know more about what Ryan has done, I don’t even know if they knew each other or even realize that they had a child together.”

He felt Ilya looking at him and he turned to catch her gaze. For a moment their eyes held each other, and then hers left his to move across his face.

“There’s human in you,” she said. “I can see it.”

“What does that mean?” Mordecai asked.

“Maybe you were carried by a breeder. You could have a human mother and a hybrid father.”

“That’s something that I never thought about.”

“Does it change anything?”

Mordecai shook his head.

“No,” he said. “I don’t think of myself as being anyone’s child. I’m just myself. I think that even if I could figure out who went into creating me, meeting them wouldn’t do anything for any of us. They don’t know me. I’m something that they were forced to create. I represent their captivity and the way that Ryan has used and tortured them. I wouldn’t want them to have to experience that.”

“What if they love you?”

“Love me?” Mordecai asked.

Even just thinking the words felt ridiculous and he didn’t know how he was supposed to process it.

“Even if they didn’t know each other. Even if they didn’t want to have a child. They did. They made you. Especially if you were carried by a human breeder, you are her child. What if she loves you?”

“I don’t think that that could be possible, but if it is, I still don’t think that it would change anything. If they did love me, I wouldn’t want them to see how much I’ve suffered. I think that that would cause them more pain than anything. It would be easier for all of us this way.”

“It would?”

“This way, we don’t have to know what the others went through. I already know in my mind that having me wasn’t something that either of my parents, whoever and whatever they were, wanted or cared about, and that they might even resent that I was even born, especially the woman who carried and delivered me. I know that. But I don’t need to confront it. I don’t need to have someone look at me and see pain and hurt and heartache. If they don’t love me, then they would only see a reminder of the awful things that they’ve gone through. If they do love me, even if it is just a biological response, then they would be tormented that I had gone through so much. I would rather just keep going thinking of myself as being separate and that there is nothing but me. Ryan likes to think that he pieces us together like he’s building machines. That’s how I would rather think about it.”

“I’m sorry for everything that you’ve had to go through,” Ilya said.

Mordecai nodded.

“I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through, too.”

“Maybe someday you’ll tell me more about your life before they freed you.”

“Why would you want to know that?”

Ilya smiled at him.

“Because I want to know you,” she said. “You might not think that you are anybody, but I know you are. You’ll find it.”

Ilya took one side of the blanket and held it out to create a space beside her. Mordecai slid closer to her and accepted the blanket so that he could wrap it around his shoulders. Through they weren’t touching each other, Mordecai could feel the warmth of her body increase in the smaller space created by the blanket. It intensified the draw that he felt and he found himself falling silent, just wanting to relish the sound of her breathing and the feeling of them existing in the same space together.