It’s been several weeks, and I’m still not feeling well. Every morning it’s been the same fucking thing from the second I wake up until around noon, I feel sick to my stomach, I can’t hold much of anything down besides juice, and I’m tired all the time. Some days it’s worse than others, and I’ve been able to keep it under wraps for the most part. What Jenika said to me about maybe being pregnant has been eating away at me more and more as each day passes. I can’t ignore that something isn’t normal any longer. I need to know what is going on inside my body. I ask Amie if I can borrow her car to run a few errands after work. I drive across town to find a drug store. Scoping the parking lot to make sure there aren’t any vehicles I recognize, I wander up and down the isles like I’m just a casual shopper. I don’t think anyone is able to see that inside I’m a complete fucking train wreck. If they did, I’m sure they would have called the cops by now thinking I was going to rob the place.

I grab a pack of gum, a notebook, a package of pens, and a bottle of water. I know that I’m going to have to pee on the thing that’s going to end up determining my fate. The very last thing I grab is a pregnancy test. I attempt to hide it in my pile of items, but to me, it sticks out like a sore thumb. There might as well be a huge neon sign that flashes saying, ‘Hey! Look what she’s buying!’

The cashier rings my stuff up and doesn’t even bat an eye. She simply tries to carry on a general conversation with me. In my mind, I keep thinking just ring my shit up and let me get out of here. I try to be polite but only answer her with short yes, or no while I dig through my wallet for money to pay. When I get out of the store, I open the box and stick the test and the directions in my pocket and throw the box away.

When I get home, I’m relieved that Justin’s not home yet. My world feels like it’s balancing on a tightrope right now. Bruce greets me just like normal which is comforting. I throw my purse and bag on the couch and head straight to the bathroom. I read over the directions and take a deep breath.

Now, I wait the longest three minutes of my entire life.

Panic swallows me whole. I’m fucking pregnant! I shove the test into my pocket. The doctors said it was very unlikely that I would ever be able to have children. Being responsible for another life terrifies me. I’m selfish though. Knowing that I don’t have anything of value to offer a child. I would be willing to try knowing that it’s Justin’s child. I’m uncertain how Justin’s going to react. What if children aren’t part of his future plans? He’s never said anything about wanting to have children before. What if he rejects us? I start crying uncontrollably. My head is a spinning sea of questions, and my emotions are on overload.

 A loud sob escapes me, and suddenly the urge to be sick hits me like a ton of bricks. I hear Justin coming down the hall. I try to stop puking long enough to get the bathroom door locked but I can’t.

 He bursts right in. “Jesus, Sarah!

 He grabs my hair and holds it back as I continue to dry heave, all the while tears still run down my face. 

 I finally stop puking, but there’s no stopping the tears. Justin takes me by the shoulders. “You’re going to the hospital.”

 I can’t make words squeeze past the lump in my throat, so I just shake my head no. He puts down the toilet seat and helps me sit down. Running a wash rag under cold water then wiping off my face. I try to take in a breath to settle myself down, but all I do is let out another loud sob.

 Justin gets down on his knees in front of me. He looks so concerned. “Sarah, you’re shaking so badly. You have to calm down and tell me what’s going on.”

 I’m fucking petrified to tell him. I sit here chewing on my lips while the never-ending tears continue to fall. I try to figure out what I’m going to say. My mind is as blank as an empty sheet of paper.

 I close my eyes. I don’t know if I can handle seeing his reaction. “I’m… I’m pregnant.”

 Immediately, I’m covering my face with my hands. Justin hasn’t said anything, but I feel that his hands are still resting on my knees. Then they’re gone.

 He pulls my hands away from my face. “Open your eyes.”

I’m so scared of what I’m going to see. I open them very slowly. His features are soft. His eyes look warm and loving. Slowly, they begin to fill with tears.

 His voice is broken. “So, are you telling me that I’m going to be a dad?”

 “Yeah.”

 He takes my hands in his. “Sarah. Don’t cry. You’re going to make a great mom. I promise. We’ll work through it together.”

 “What?”

 “I get it. You don’t think that you have what it takes to be a good mom. But trust me, you do.”

 “You’re not mad at me?”

 He has a shocked look on his face. “Why would I be mad at you? Is that why you were crying?”

 Nodding my head yes. “I just thought.”

 He interrupts me. “Sarah, I can’t tell you how elated I am. To share this with you, it’s… I can’t think of anything more remarkable.”

 He lifts my shirt exposing my belly. Placing his hand on it.

 He looks at me and with a big smile on his face. “This is for real. There’s a little piece of you and me growing in there.”

 I pull the test from my pocket and hand it to him. I’m so elated that he’s this happy that I can’t help but smile. “Yep, there is.”

 He leans his head down to my belly. “I want to be the first to tell you how remarkable your momma is. You hear that little one? Remarkable! “