Chapter One

While I sat in the restaurant waiting for my husband, I couldn’t help but glance around at the couples eating together and wonder if they were truly happy. From the way they shared smiles and sweet looks, they certainly seemed content. My shoulders slumped. I wanted to projectile vomit all over them because it had me pondering, yet again, on where had I gone wrong? How had I become the doormat in my relationship?

I had instantly fallen for Robert in my final year at college. I had been in the library sitting in the corner at a desk on my own. A group of idiots across from me were calling me fat and ugly, among other things.

I’d ignored it to start off with, thinking they were only trying to be cool with each other. But after some time, I’d had enough.

Lifting my gaze, I’d glared across at them and asked, “Do you want to suck my little toe?”

Silence followed. One scoffed and said, “Why in the fuck would we want to?”

Shrugging, I placed my pen down and said, “Well, I just thought unless you want to suck each other off, which would be about the size of my little toe, it’s the only action you guys will get from the opposite sex because you’re nothing but fucking pricks.”

“You need to—” The guy didn’t get to finish because Robert showed up out of nowhere and took them down another notch or two. Once they’d left, he’d sat with me and asked if I was okay. My heart melted right there and then.

Back then, I was accustomed to being invisible, the girl who wore thick glasses, loose clothing, no makeup, and I didn’t care about any of it. If people tried to crap in my cheerios, I told them where to go.

Six years later, I figured out somewhere along the way, I had lost myself, and it pissed me off.

Over time, he’d shaped me into a different woman. One who wore stupid frilly dresses like his grandma used to wear—which got me thinking he may have had a thing for geriatrics—to please him, who did as she was told—eye roll—and who thought herself useless. It was hard not to believe those things after hearing them every day.

Was I strong enough to change?

To be who I wanted to be?

I wasn’t sure.

Though as time went on, I was closer and closer to breaking free. To standing on my own two feet and learning once again to appreciate the person I used to be before Robert.

However, the move to do so, to leave him, was terrifying.

Why was love, lust, or even like such a miserable aspect of life? It may not be the case for most people, yet for me it was. I should have known my love life was going to suck donkey’s balls right from the start.

In my teens I had crushes, but those crushes tore my heart out of my chest, spat on it, and threw it to the ground. Not that I cared. They probably couldn’t handle all my sass. Though their brush-offs could have been why I fell for Robert immediately and did as he advised so willingly. Then again, he was a different person to start with. Caring and sweet, he’d taken me places. Wined and dined, only he never sixty-nined me. Which was a disappointment as I’d heard how amazing it was.

I jumped when the chair beside me was pulled out. Robert smiled down at me before he sat, but his eyes were hard and filled with contempt. “Randal will be here soon.” His new business associate, or at least that was what Robert hoped. My husband had told me to meet him at the restaurant for a Friday lunch meeting because he wanted to show Randal he was a family man. Apparently that meant he was a man who could be trusted with money and was a man to trust with any legal affairs Randal may ever have. “I asked you to dress nicely, Makenzie.” He glared at my dark blue summer dress. I cut off my snort. I thought I had dressed nicely. Once he had even said he liked it. As I went to comment, the dick continued, “You do know people have designed undergarments that help suck some of the fat in? Maybe you should invest in a few.”

A blush heated my cheeks. I flicked my eyes down to my hands in my lap and clenched my jaw. It was something I seemed to be doing a lot lately, which annoyed me, made me feel weaker when I never used to be. What I would have preferred to do was throw my water in his face, kick him in the shin, and stab him in the eye with my fork, then sit back to watch him bleed, before storming from the place.

Still, I was grateful I had my imagination; it was only my backbone I had lost.

As my mind caused him harm, the weak me sat there and said nothing. So what if I had put on a few pounds? Did he have to be an ass and point it out? And hell, I was happy with the way I looked.

“Too late to do something about it now. Suck it in,” he hissed and then turned in his seat and boomed, “Randal, good to see you.”

“Fuckhead.” I froze. The word was coughed out through a manly voice behind me, startling me. I itched to turn around, to see where and who it came from, but didn’t, and if Robert had heard it, he gave no indication. Instead, he turned back to face me with a bright, fake smile on his face.

“Randal Muller, this is my wife, Makenzie.” Robert gestured with his hand in my direction. Looking up, my eyes landed on a god. He was absolutely breathtaking. With his wide frame, I could have sworn he once would have been on the football team back in the day. He was tall, slim, but firm. His eyes were light, like the ocean on a clear, calm day. He ran a hand through his blond hair before smiling down at me.

“Great to meet you, Makenzie. Robert has told me many wonderful things about you.”

I just bet he has. I winced and knew he had caught it, if his raised brows were anything to go on. I smiled politely, fiddled with my fork, and said, “Robert certainly has a way with words.” That could cut me to the bone.

Robert’s hand slid across the table and grabbed mine. Anyone would think it was an affectionate touch. It wasn’t. His hold tightened on mine. I bit my bottom lip and smiled so I didn’t cringe from the pain.

Robert wasn’t one to hurt a person. He hated pain in fact, and later he would be very apologetic, saying it was my fault and in the end, he would be so convincing I would somehow believe him. Never once had he beaten me, hit me, or hurt me more than a hard squeeze or pinch.

Instead, he used words to cut me down.

Robert chuckled and said, “Only with you, sweetheart.”

Turning my gaze to him, I made sure my eyes held adoration as I replied, “Of course, pumpkin.” I had a translation for each pet name I’d used for Robert. Pumpkin was prick.

As soon as Randal sat down, Robert got down to business. At least he tried. Randal cleared his throat, picked up his menu, and suggested, “I’m sure Makenzie doesn’t want to hear all about work. Why don’t we order?”

Robert laughed. “Of course.” My husband turned to me. “Sweetheart, do you want your usual, a salad?”

I pulled my hands from the table and clenched them so tightly my fingernails bit into my palms. What I wanted was a nice, big, juicy steak. “Sounds great.” I smiled, refraining from throat punching him.

It seemed the silent me was more violent than what I actually was.

“Tell me, Makenzie, do you work?” Randal asked.

Sitting straighter, I replied, “I don’t at the moment, but I would love to get back out into the workforce. I have a degree in business—”

Robert chuckled and ran his hand down my arm. “Sweetheart, don’t be silly, you don’t need to work.”

“Oh, I know I don’t need to, but—”

“Honey, that’s enough. We’ll talk about it later. Randal doesn’t want to hear about it.”

He asked, you ass.

“Of course.” Clearing my throat, I moved my gaze back to Randal and asked. “Do you like to play golf, Mr. Muller?” It was a question Robert had said I could ask. Stick to topics Robert was passionate about so he could talk about himself.

Honestly, he may as well have gotten on his knees under the table and given Randal a blow job.

“Randal, please, and I do actually. Do you?”

“No, I—”

“Makenzie isn’t really into sports”—he leaned into Randal—“if you couldn’t tell.” After a quick laugh, he then talked about golf. My gaze darted between the two men, fascinated by their interaction. Robert was oblivious to Randal’s quick sneer and his bored expression. My stomach dipped in nervous excitement. It wasn’t just me who was thinking my husband was a dick.

Robert was always, always like that. Yes, a dick, but oblivious to those around him, pretty idiotic when trying to woo a client. He was always Robert this, Robert that. Robert, Robert, Robert.

God, why couldn’t I find it in myself to stand up and stalk from the restaurant?

My head dipped down, no longer feeling the thrill of not being the only one to recognize my husband for what he truly was. My chin almost touched my chest as my eyes stared at my lap. And even though my body had stilled, my mind kept going, kept flashing past comments made by Robert.

You’re so pathetic, Makenzie.

You’re too fat.

I can’t breathe when you’re on top of me during sex. You need to lose weight.

You went out like that? Jesus, I hope no one saw you, Makenzie.

Why can’t you be more like Danny’s wife? She’s good at everything.

I have to picture someone else while I’m having sex with you. How do you think that makes me feel?

You always look like a slob these days.

I saw Heather today. She’s so smart, got her head screwed on that one, and she looked hot.

We have nothing in common.

You don’t want to have sex with me. It’s like I’m living with a roommate instead of a wife.

Sure we have sex, but we need to be friends also and do things with each other. Only it was things he wanted to do, never what I wanted.

Honestly, no matter what I did, how I changed, I was never going to be the one who would satisfy Robert in any way.

In his eyes, I was never going to be good enough. I was useless, ugly, fat, stupid, and unworthy.

God, I was sick of feeling that way. I needed to get out before his words seeped into my blood, like they had already in my mind. I knew once they caught the hint that there was a gaping passage straight to my heart and body via my blood, I knew it would be over.

I’d lose myself completely.

“Makenzie?” Robert’s irritated voice broke through. “What are you doing?”

Blinking, I realized I was standing. I glanced at Randal and then the waiter. When had he arrived?

I had an epiphany, damn it, and I was going to roll with it. Even if my body felt like revolting as it trembled, and my mind screamed at me to sit back down because I wouldn’t find anyone better.

Licking my suddenly dry lips, I said, “Sorry, but I’m not feeling well.”

“Oh,” Robert cried. He stood next to me and took my hand. When I pulled free, he raised his brows in question. Though, he went on, “Sweetheart, why didn’t you say something? Maybe you should head home?”

Studying him, I noticed his clenched jaw and narrowed eyes. He thought I was being a fool for interrupting his talk about himself. A snort left me. I covered my mouth and nose with my hand.

Six years.

Four years of marriage.

Two somewhat happy years and then two years of hell.

I had been so stupid. So, so stupid. Robert had hated my job, my dad, my sister, my friends, and even my car. Now I had none of them. Silly me had given it all up because a handsome man had paid attention to the geek in college. Regret threatened to overwhelm me and drag me to my knees. I regretted everything I ever did for him.

But no more.

“Yes, I think you may be right.” While I’m there, I’ll be packing and leaving, starting fresh. The thought of it actually brought a smile to my face. My hands still shook, but something inside of me bloomed. Looking to Randal, I offered, “It was a pleasure meeting you, Randal. Sorry to have to leave.” And don’t let Robert bite down on your nob too much.

Randal stood from the table and held out his hand. I quickly shook it. He smiled. “The pleasure was all mine. Hopefully we’ll see each other again.”

“Yes.” I nodded with a small smile. Then I made a slurping sound because my mind was still back on Robert sucking him off. The poor guy. I wanted to reach over and pat Randal on the back, wishing him luck. Still, I refrained and thought I should pat myself on the back because I did tend to do and say silly crap all the time. Robert hated it. I’d learned to accept my uniqueness.

Robert’s jaw clenched. “I’ll see you at home, sweetheart.”

No, actually you won’t. I wanted to throw my head back and cackle like a madwoman. Robert leaned in as if he were going to kiss my cheek, until he pulled back and chuckled. “I better not. Can’t afford to get sick.”

Picking up my purse, I quickly excused myself. As I took the steps away from Robert, my hands shook even more. Was I really going to do it? Yes, I had to. I was tired of being walked over, tired of being the one in the wrong, because apparently, it always turned out to be my fault in the end.

Just like my leaving.

I knew Robert would lay on the guilt trip, pleading for me to understand what we had was perfect and not to leave. He’d insist I would just have to change a few things and everything would be back to the way things were when we had first got together.

Yet the things he would ask to change would be more of myself, and I wasn’t willing to let go of myself anymore.

Unless… maybe it was me? All in my head?

Shit. No, it wasn’t.

Shaking my head as I stepped out front into a warm afternoon, I had to believe I was making the right choice. It wasn’t me imagining things.

Placing my bag strap over my shoulder, I searched through it while the valet waited for my ticket.

“Excuse me?”

As soon as my fingers landed on it, I lifted my head and held it out to the valet, only he wasn’t looking at me, but over my shoulder. Following his gaze, I jumped when I found a handsome man standing there.

“Sorry?” I asked, looking left and then right, just to check he was, in fact, talking to me. Had I done something on my way out? I clenched my free hand to make sure I wasn’t holding anything, in case I had stolen a fork in my haste. I wasn’t. The ticket slipped from my fingers. I glanced back at the valet to see him give me a nod, and then he left me alone with the stranger.

“Hi,” the smooth voice said behind me, and again my body jolted when I felt his hand at my elbow. When I turned, I stepped back out of his reach. His hands came up and a soft smile tipped his lips up a little. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

Robert didn’t like me talking to men. I flicked my eyes over his shoulder and then back.

Huh, screw Robert, he wasn’t there.

“It’s okay. I’m, ah, I’m gay,” he blurted, and I watched his cheeks heat before his palm thumped his forehead.

A laugh escaped me from his outburst. My palm came up to cover my mouth. I found myself thinking how it was a pity the man before me liked penis.

He removed his hand and smiled down at me. God, he was tall. My head came up to his chest. He wore a designer suit and, as I glanced down, he had on shiny shoes. I supposed most gay men dressed really well, or was that something someone made up? I wasn’t sure, but the man before me certainly seemed to take pride in his looks. Even his dark brown hair was gelled to perfection.

“Did I do something?” I asked.

“No. Not at all. In fact, I couldn’t help but overhear—”

My eyes widened, and I interrupted, “Were you the one to call my husband a fuckhead?”

His brows dipped, guilt flashing across his features, and then he ran a hand over the back of his neck. “He was being a fuckhead at the time. But that’s not why I stopped you. I heard you may be looking for work.”

My head jerked back in shock. “And you followed me to offer me a job?” I guessed.

“Well, yes. Sort of. Actually, it’s my brother who’s looking for an assistant.”

Leaning in, I whispered, “Why would you ask me?”

Did he pity me?

“The truth, my brother goes through a lot of assistants and when I heard you had a business degree, I thought you may have more brain