When I decided Aftershock would be the event I’d come back to, it was initially because I wanted my home town to be where it happened, plus the event fell in line with the rest of the X Fighters schedule.
But one thing remained. Could I land the triple in a competition?
All day I’m a wreck. Don’t do it. Do it. I can’t make up my mind. Not only does a good part of me think about my private after-party with Scarlet, but man, it’s a fucking triple backflip. It’s not like I can just say, hey, no problem.
I’ve practiced it, sure, but again, it’s a fucking triple. No one has ever done it, aside from me in Madrid, and we all know how that ended.
Roan didn’t think I should do it. “You won the X Games with the double. We all know you can do the triple. Well, apart from landing it.” Comforting. No. But he goes on to say, “No sense in doing it again if you’re not comfortable with a trick that nearly killed you.”
I didn’t like that answer. So I went to Tiller.
Probably the worst person to ask. But I did. His answer?
“What the fuck do I care if you do it or don’t?”
Nice brotherly advice.
And you heard Ricky’s speech. Did you figure out what he meant yet? I still hadn’t.
Taking the track at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, I notice the ramp isn’t set up the way I want. I need height for the triple.
As I walk the track, the course designer is a dick when I ask about it. “Why change it? If we take time and move the ramp back, change the angle, and you don’t do the triple, we have to change it all back for no reason.”
Fuck this guy.
“Move it back,” I tell him, knowing I was for sure going to do it.
As soon as the ramp was raised, the rumors flew, and I became the headline for the Aftershock event. “Shade Sawyer is going for the triple.”
Honestly, I’m still not sure I can pull it off. I sure as shit wasn’t going to back out though. When have I ever backed down?
Even four-year-old me didn’t back down, why would the twenty-two-year-old?
EVERY COMPETITION IS different. Different ramps, different stadium or arena, but they all have their own feel. This one in particular has its own feel. A comeback.
Do you remember the tattoo on my back of the memento mori skull?
Now it holds meaning once again. When you’re desperate, broken, finished, you’re powerless, and nothing in your life is yours, and everything can be taken away.
The cameras follow me everywhere and every chance they get, ESPN is analyzing every move I make in the preliminary runs and qualifying rounds. Then it’s time for my run. My last two runs I haven’t pulled the triple. I’ve advanced with bike flips and 360 spins along with a couple other tricks I’d perfected to solidify the run. But now I was head-to-head with Tiller in the final round.
“How are you feeling?” Auden asks, leaning into my bike after he adjusts my suspension.
I nod. “Good.”
I’m not lying. I am. I’m also a fuckin’ wreck.
I ride to the top of the roll-in and stop, taking in my surroundings. The entire crowd is on their feet, the energy overwhelming.
Do you see the way my body’s trembling? Do you notice the focus in my eyes and the dilation to them as the adrenaline kicks in?
I breathe in deeply and blow it out slowly, lifting my eyes from the ramp. To my right, Scarlet’s standing beside Tiller and Roan, her hands nervously clasped together in what looks like a prayer.
Watching her, having her here, it’s everything to me, and I wish she could feel even a fraction of what I do in this moment. That’s when I think, no matter what happens, if I crash or ride away, I’m living. I’m alive and free in these seconds. That right there is the most incredible feeling, and I don’t want it to end.
Do you know what fear does to you? I think it makes the reason you’re experiencing fear worth it. Whether it be falling in love or getting ready to hurl your bike and body through the air, if there wasn’t fear, I’d say fuck it. There’s no risk.
Fearing failure is what makes it exciting in the first place and probably why I fear so much in life, but never admit it.
I feared love. I was scared of the falling out part, but what I got was a friend when I was alone.
What does that fear do to you? It sends your heart racing and the blood pumping. It tightens your muscles and gives you that burst of energy you need to do something insane. It’s the beads of sweat rolling down your temples, the rolling in the pit of your stomach and the increased strength. It’s feeling invincible.
How’s your heart? Can you feel the crowd roaring to life in your chest when they spot me on my bike?
What about when the announcer introduces me?
“He’s one of the only riders to ever do a triple backflip. Four months ago, it nearly cost him his life in Madrid Spain. Ladies and gentlemen, riding a Honda, out and competing in his hometown here tonight, please welcome back. . . Shade Sawyer!”
I watch Scarlet’s face as they announce me. The spotlight moves to me and I wave to the crowd, but I keep my eyes on Scarlet. What I wouldn’t give to know what she’s thinking and feeling. Is her heart beating like mine? Is she nervous? Will she squeeze her eyes shut the moment my back tire leaves the ramp?
“It’s your turn,” the official tells me. “Go.”
Hell, even he looks nervous.
Welcome to my world, dude.
Closing my eyes, my hands are shaky on the handlebars. I take another deep breath and roll down the ramp. The next few seconds, my mind floods with thoughts, about crashing, and about Scarlet.
What happens if I crash? Would she be there for me again? Can I put her through this?
And then I remember one thing Ricky said to me this morning. “Somewhere in that fear is clarity very few will ever experience.”
I know what that means. Fear holds you back, but when you fear something, you’ll understand the dangers and the consequences.
Isn’t it ironic how you feel most alive when your heart’s pounding so hard you can barely take a breath?
As my tires hit the bottom of the ramp, everything feels exactly right. I ride up the ramp, launch the bike and initiate the first flip. On the first rotation, I didn’t pull as hard as I could have, because I’m not sure, but I thought I had too much height and I’d overshoot the landing. I need more speed up my second rotation. So I pull as hard as I can on the handlebars on the second rotation. On the third rotation, I think that’s when I understand it’s possible so I let go of the bike completely—don’t try this at home, kids—and arch my body into a Superman pose, gain control of the bike again just a second before I’m able to get my feet on the pegs to land it. I land with what feels like a ton of bricks but guess what?
You’re holding your breath, aren’t you? Is your heart beating a million miles an hour like mine?
I land it.
I roll to a stop and jump off the bike, throwing my hands up in the air and ripping off my jersey. I don’t know why I do that, but I can only assume it’s because I throw it into the crowd along with my goggles and gloves. I probably would have thrown my helmet too, but you know my feelings on my helmet. It’s mine, damn it.
By the time I’m stripping away gear in celebration, and maybe in fear the pants are next, Scarlet is in my arms.
Do you see the look in her eyes? Do you feel it?
I do. It’s her. It’s a noise I finally shake free from. It’s a reason to believe there’s more to life, and it revolves around Scarlet Rose.
“No fucking way! You did it!”
Okay, so she shared the same doubt as me, initially.
I give her a hug, thank her for being there as I know sitting on the sidelines and watching is an experience in itself. Then I smile. I don’t let her go and instead, hold her to my body. “Can we have sex now?” My eyes drift to the judges, then back to Scarlet. “Pretty sure I just won.”
She thinks I’m joking. She’s laughing. I’m partially serious, the other part of me doesn’t even know what’s happening around me.
The next few minutes are chaos. Hugs, tears, cameras flashing and I’m left with feeling rooted deep inside my chest. The X Fighters is more than just showing off. It’s about coming back from injuries. It’s about showing the world you worked a year to invent a trick bigger and badder than everyone else. To go out on the biggest stage knowing your odds aren’t great, but if they are, you make history.
There’s no other feeling like that.
I’m standing side by side with Tiller. He bows to me when the scores are revealed. I won by three points.
Now it’s time to get Scarlet alone.