Torn

"I'm excited, too. Maybe I should go into town later today and pick up some outfits to wear? I didn't bring much with me other than jeans and shorts. I'd like to pose in something nicer, maybe even a tiny bit sexy. What do you think? Do you think that would be okay? Or a big mistake?" I'm not sure I'm good at being sexy in any way but I know if I want to do some modeling, then I have to at least make an attempt. Chloe is always telling me to work what I've got but I seriously have no idea how to do that.

"I'll have Tina cover me and I'll go with you. I could use some time out of here myself. And I think something a little sexy but classy is fine. No nudity, though, please," she laughs. "You're eighteen now. I've seen some of Anna's work and she can make you look gorgeous and alluring without looking trashy. She does hair and makeup, too. Trust me, this is going to be fabulous and I think it will definitely boost your confidence once you see how beautiful you are."

Three hours later I'm in a small boutique in town trying on lingerie for the first time in my life when I get a text from Toren.

Tor: Happy birthday, my Angel. Hoping this year brings you nothing but happiness, love, and dreams come true. I've loved watching you grow up from an adorable, feisty little girl to the beautiful woman you are today. Your parents and I are so proud of you. Always remember how special you are, and no matter where life takes you, you'll always have all my love and support. xo

I can't stop reading his message, trying to decipher if these words are from the man who helped raise me or the man who kissed me like he wanted to devour me.

He's both.

Therein lies our dilemma. He'll never be one or the other. He'll always be both to me, just as I'm sure I'll always be both his best friend’s little girl and the woman he suddenly has unwanted feelings for. We're always going to be twisted up, caught in the web of our past and teased by the glimpses of what we could have been.

A knock on the dressing room door startles me and I nearly drop my phone. "Kenzi? Are you okay?" Aunt Katherine asks, her voice full of concern.

"Yes," I say through the door. "I was just adjusting the straps. I'll be out in a second."

Taking a deep breath, I type back.

Me: You had a huge part in helping me be the person I am today. You've been my rock since the day I was born. I will always and forever love you the most. xo

There's so much more I want to say, but I don't let myself for fear of making him mad and uncomfortable again. I can picture him in my mind so clearly right now, sitting with his legs crossed on the floor of his shop in front of an old Harley, with his cell phone in his hand, smudged with grease, a faint crooked smile on his lips as he reads my text. He once told me those were his favorite words, and I hope he knows that over the years they have come to mean much more to me than they did when I first wrote them at seven years old.

18

Tor

My love,

For all the times I pushed you away

My heart was trying to pull you closer

Tor

"Grab the rope out of the truck," I yell to Tristan.

"Tor, you can't go down there with your back problems."

"No shit, that's why you're going. Get the fucking rope."

Tanner laughs as our brother takes off for the truck. "It's about time the kid gets his hands dirty." He says.

"True, bro. Let's not drop him, though. I'm not going in after him and the dog."

We stare down over the side of the bridge as Tris runs back to the truck. The river is raging beneath us, and a black lab is clinging to the side of the embankment, his back legs in the water. It's a miracle he's not being swept away by the current and the only thing I can think that his collar must be snagged on something like a rock or tree branch, keeping him where he is. If whatever it is lets loose, he's going to be dragged down into the water and downstream and will most likely drown.

It’s almost impossible to climb down the sides of the steep hills on either side of the river. So, he either fell in, or more likely, got thrown in. This bridge is nicknamed Suicide Bridge because a few people have jumped to their death off of it a few times over the past few years. The river runs over huge granite rocks that are sometimes covered by the water if we get lots of rain and flooding. I'm not sure how he lived if he was thrown in.

When Tristan comes back with the rope, we rig it around him and he climbs down the steep mountain with us holding onto the rope at the top of the bridge so he can't fall. When the dog sees him, it starts to get excited and digs frantically at the embankment with his front paws, whining.

Tanner and I are both pretty big guys, so we don't have much trouble holding up our 180lb little brother, but the weather is stormy today with strong gusts of winds that keep blowing him around.

"Tris is Mom's favorite, ya know. If we lose him, she's gonna kill us," Tanner teases.

"I'm Mom's favorite, asshole." I joke back. "If we lose him, I'm telling her you pushed him in."

"Grab the dog, you wuss! I got shit to do!" Tanner yells down at him.

"Don't make him nervous, man."

He gives me his evil grin. "It's good for him. Too bad Ty's not here. He'd jump right the fuck off this bridge and grab that dog in about two seconds flat. We wouldn't need this rope bullshit."

Tris reaches for the dog, tries to grab him, misses, and tries again.

"Let's lower him a little more."

A few more inches of rope gives him enough slack to grab onto the dog, but he's struggling trying to hang on to the rope with one hand and grab the dog with the other.

"This wasn't our best plan." Tanner observes, lighting up a cigarette.

"Probably not."

"Grab him and haul his ass up!" Tanner yells.

"He's stuck!" Tris yells back.

"What the fuck? I should have done this myself."

I lean over the bridge, trying to see if I can see what's going on. "Relax, man. He's trying."

Finally Tris grabs onto the dogs collar and yanks him up, hoisting him under his arm. The dog is soaking wet and obviously scared out of its mind, clawing at his chest.

"Pull me up before I drop his ass!" He yells up to us.

We haul him up the slippery hill and I grab the dog when he's at the top edge of the embankment, looping a slip lead leash around his neck. I kneel down and check him over while Tanner gets Tristan untied from the rope. The dog seems fine, despite being very thin and malnourished. I'm pretty sure this is the dog we've been trying to trap for months. I can't wait to tell Kenzi since she was getting so frustrated about him not going into the traps to eat the meat we kept leaving for him.

The dog is trembling, but still wagging his tail, probably feeling somewhat triumphant for eluding us for so long but now happy to be safe. My favorite part of dog rescue is how happy most of them are to finally have a person touch them gently and treat them with care. Their appreciation is evident in their eyes as they brave making eye contact with us, hoping we're someone they can trust.

"Alright," I say. "I'm going to drop him off at the vet. I think he's okay but who knows if he's got some internal injuries." I fist bump my younger brother. "You did good, Tris."

"I wasn't expecting him to be so fucking heavy. He was like dead weight."

"They usually are when they're scared like this. They just freeze up, or even worse, they try to bite us or run off."

"Well, I'm glad he's okay."

Tanner punches him playfully in the arm. "You better start lifting some more, little bro."

Tris laughs and heads back towards the truck they came in. "Whatever, old man. Let's go."

By the time I take the river dog to the vet, get home, shower and eat, it’s after nine and I'm beat from running around all day. Diogee and the kitten join me on my king bed as I get comfortable on what has become my side and put something mindless on Netflix until my brain settles down enough for me to fall asleep.

I'm just dozing off when a melodic chime sounds from my nightstand, making my eyes snap open. It's the new tone I programmed for Kenzi's messages. I fumble for the phone and squint at it in the dark.

Kenzi: I wanted to say hi and let you know I'm thinking about you

I'm instantly awake and smiling as I type back.

Me: Hey you. I was thinking about you too. I had microwave meatloaf for dinner. I have no idea what I just ate. It may have been iguana meat. I miss your dinners. ;)

Kenzi: I see what I mean to you now ;) You're probably buried in white fur too, huh?

Me: Pretty much.

Kenzi: I'm not sure I feel bad...

Me: I miss everything. Not just you taking care of me.

Kenzi: I miss you, too.

My eyes latch onto those words and I'm very aware of how quickly and naturally we slip into these moments of what I can only think of as longing. And flirting. I attempt to U-turn the conversation with idle chatter.

Me: I have good news. Remember the dog we've been trying to catch by the river for months? We got him today.

Kenzi: Omg finally!!!!! Is he okay?

Me: He is now. He was actually stuck IN the river, off Suicide Bridge. Tris had to go in on a rope to get him out.

Kenzi: Holy crap! That’s amazing. I'm so proud of you guys!!!

Me: Thanks. He's super thin but he's going to be fine. Mom’s found a foster for him already.

Kenzi: I'm so glad he's finally safe.

Me: Me, too. So, are you enjoying Maine?

Kenzi: Yes. Sailor came by a few days ago and took me for lunch. He was visiting a friend who lives out here. He's a really sweet guy, very quiet and polite. I'm designing a tattoo for him.

The mystery meat dinner turns in my stomach.

Me: That was nice of him.

Fucking asshole drifter.

Kenzi: Yeah. We had a nice day. So, Katherine's friend is a photographer and took some pix of me for my portfolio. She thinks maybe I could do some shoots with her and get paid, like for products, or maybe even for a magazine.