Torn

But when is the right time? How will I know?

That familiar stab slices through my chest at memories of my mom. I wish she was here so badly. I know I could tell her the truth about Tor and she would understand without judging us or making us feel like we were partaking in some evil act. She'd answer all my questions, calm my fears, and give me hope that it would all be okay. She'd talk to my dad and get him to accept us as a couple. She'd work her magic and make it better for all of us. Everything would be different.

After I towel off and dress, I open the bathroom door to see Tor still sitting on the bed, only now he's wearing jeans rather than sitting there completely naked. He's made the bed and put our shoes neatly next to the door. He still appears to be deep in thought and I'm worried he's going to tell me we have to forget this ever happened between us, like he did the first time we kissed.

"Come here, beautiful." He says, patting the spot next to him, and when I do, he turns to me, holds my face in his hands and gives me a long, deep kiss that shakes me right down to my toes.

"I wasn't planning on this today, Kenz." He says when he pulls away. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Why?"

"It's just not how I wanted it to happen. I would have been slower, more gentle. Made it more special for you."

"Tor...every moment was perfect. I wouldn't change anything."

"Well, I fuckin' would. Your first time should have been special, and probably not with me."

Tears immediately spring to my eyes, something that seems to be becoming a habit for me. "Don't say that. I only want it to ever be you." I say, sniffling. "I don't care about slow and gentle. I care about you just being you and not holding back or hiding your feelings. You made me feel loved and wanted."

"You are. More than you know."

"Was it disappointing for you?" I hate when my mouth takes on a life of its own and asks questions that I really don't want to hear the answer to.

"What? Are you crazy? I nearly lost my mind. You put me in a friggin' frenzy. It's taking every bit of self-control I have to not throw you back down on the bed right now and never take you back home. I knew I wouldn't be able to get enough of you."

Despite being newly raw and torn, my core responds to his words by quivering and my pulse picks up speed. I want him to touch me again. I want to feel him everywhere and get lost in that indescribable euphoria of him again. I lay my hand on his leg, my fingers reaching for his muscular thigh. "You can do that."

He breaks out into a wide grin that makes my heart swoon. "Don't tempt me, please. You're going to be sore."

"I don't care if it hurts."

"I do."

"So...we're going to do it again? Someday?" I ask shyly.

He lets out a long sigh. "Kenzi...we need to think for a few days, okay? If we do this...try to be together...it's not going to be easy. It'll be messy as fuck."

"I know. But if we both want it, we'll find a way to make it work, right? Isn't that what people do?"

"Yes...but there's just a lot involved we have to think about. No matter what, Kenzi...I don't want you to get hurt or start your life in the middle of a secret affair. You know I want better than that for you."

"You're what's best for me.

He chuckles sarcastically "You're the only one that will think that."

"Isn't that all that matters?" I shoot back at him.

He covers my hand on his leg with his. "I wish. But your father is my best friend, Kenzi. I love him just as much as I love you. I've known your entire family since I was seven years old. They matter to me. You matter to them. What my own family will think matters to me. How people might treat you matters to me." Any trace of a smile fades from his face, replaced with overwhelming worry. "My head is fucking spinning."

"So what do we do?" It all sounds so grim when he lists it out like that.

He touches my chin and tilts my face up to his, kissing my lips softly. "First, I tell you I'm fucking crazy in love with everything about you," he kisses the tip of my nose. "Second, we both need to put some serious thought into this before we take any more steps. And I hate to do this to you, but I need you to not tell anyone about this until we have our heads straight about what we're going to do. If and when Asher finds out about us, it has to come from us and no one else."

"I won't tell anyone, Tor. I promise. I don't ever want to hurt you or my father. That would kill me."

"That's what I'm afraid of, Kenz. Of you getting hurt in the crossfire of this and being torn between me and your father."

I cling to him and he puts his arms around me as the brevity of that sinks into me. Choosing between Tor and my father would devastate me. I love them both with every bit of my heart and soul and hurting either of them is unthinkable.

"Please, Tor. We can't let that happen."

"Shh..." He cradles the back of my head and tightens his embrace around me. "I know, baby. Just let me think and I'll find a way to make it work." His lips brush across my cheek. "For months I've wanted to have you in my arms like this...let's just focus on us for tonight."

"I would love that." I whisper.

He props all his pillows up against the headboard, and leans back against them, pulling me on top of him so I'm laying between his legs, with my back against his chest, my head resting on his shoulder. He wraps his big arms around me and holds me against him, clasping my hands in his.

"This is Heaven." He says with his lips against my ear.

"It is. I want to stay just like this with you and never leave."

His breathing changes, going from steady to deeper. "You have no fuckin' idea what it does to me when you say things like that."

"Tell me." I tighten my hold on his hands, running my thumb along the black artwork on the back of his hand.

"It makes me think I can have everything with you. It makes me think you'll never break my heart."

My own breath catches as a wave of emotion surges through me. This man, with his arms wrapped so tight around me and his heart pounding against my spine isn't the man I grew up knowing. This is someone who’s been hiding in the shadows; deep, dark, and hopelessly romantic. There's a mix of fear and hope in his words, all tangled up together in a cocktail of turmoil.

I twist my head towards him. "I'll never hurt you, Tor. Ever. Haven't I been promising my undying love to you since I was five? It hasn't changed."

"Just don't make promises you aren't sure of. Please."

"I hope you don't, either."

He cups the side of my neck and turns my face towards his, his lips landing on mine.

"I don't want any broken promises between us." He says in a low voice, pulling me up onto him and turning me so I'm sitting on top of him, straddling his body. I respond by kissing him back with as much passion as I know how to do with my limited experience, hoping actions are louder than words. Our kisses start soft and slow but soon turn deeper, his tongue delving into my mouth while my hands grip his shoulders and his move slowly under my shirt to cup my breasts through my bra. It's not long before he's pulling my shirt off and I unclasp my bra and throw it off to the side of the bed, shocked at how easy and natural everything flows with him. Maybe because I've fantasized about being with him for so long, now that it's happening it feels familiar to me. Or maybe it's just chemistry between us.

"Fuck, you're so beautiful." He groans, kneading my breasts in his hands and burying his face between them, moving his lips from one to the other, sucking my nipples until I'm grinding against his erection, lost in his touch. I had no idea anything could make me feel so electrified. His hands move to undo my jeans while his mouth never stops ravishes my breasts, and I kneel up to wiggle out of my panties and jeans as he pushes his own pants down and kicks them off.

"I don't want to hurt you so we're going to do something different," He says, his voice gravelly with lust. "But it'll still feel good, I promise."

"Everything you do feels good," I whisper.

He flashes me a wicked sexy grin that makes my stomach go into spasms.

"It's only going to get better, love." He presses two fingers against my lips, gently pushing them into my mouth. "Suck on my fingers, baby."

I'm surprised by his words but I do as he asks, sucking his fingers into my mouth and swirling my tongue around them, and his eyes go wide as he watches me. His cock twitches between us and I ache to feel him buried inside me again, spreading and stretching my body just for him. The pain and pleasure of it earlier made me feel erotically delirious, causing me to spread my legs wider and dig my nails into him, wanting him harder and deeper.

When he pulls his fingers out of my mouth, he reaches between us and rubs his wet fingers between my legs, smearing my saliva all over my lips. No one's ever touched me there before him, and my body instantly reacts, quivering and flushing with warmth. Spreading my folds with his fingers, he gently pushes me down until I'm flush against him with his cock wedged between my lips.

"Keep your legs spread and slide yourself back and forth over me," he coaxes, grabbing my hips and moving me so my sex glides from the base of him all the way up to the head, and then back again. And he's right, even though he's not inside me, rubbing along his hard length feels incredible.

Leaning back against the pillows, his gaze drifts up my body, not stopping until he reaches my eyes.

"That feels so good..." He groans softly, cupping my breasts in his hands again. "Don't stop, just let yourself go and get off on me. I want to watch you come."

"Tor..."

Nervousness creeps up on me. Surely he's not used to having to do things like this just to be with a woman. I'm afraid my age and inexperience is more glaring by the minute. He tears his eyes from where our bodies are joined and glances up at me again, his expression going from hungry with desire to sheer concern.