Torn

"What's the point in lying to you? I love her. Like I want to marry her."

"Whoa," she puts her hand up. "Let's back it up, cowboy. She's eighteen."

"I know. I don't mean tomorrow, Tess. But someday, when she's ready to make that commitment. That's what I want."

Her eyes are wide and glassy as she reaches across the table and grabs my hand. "My God, Tor. I knew you had a thing for each other, but marriage? That's a huge step for her to even think about at her age. Asher will flip his fucking lid."

"Why do you think I'm so fucked up?"

"And what about her? How does she feel?"

"She loves me, too. She wants the same things I want."

"Yeah, today, maybe. But she's eight-fucking-teen. Look how much I've changed in the past two years, Tor. Am I the same person I was when I was eighteen?" She raises her eyebrows at me.

"In some ways yes and others no."

"Exactly."

"So you don't think it can last? You think she'll just change? Want someone else?" I try to picture Kenzi with another man and I can't. I can't even force that scenario in my head. My mind goes blank. I can only see Kenzi with me, and I can only see myself with her.

"I don't know. But I think it’s a very big possibility."

I pull my hand away from hers. "This isn't helping me." I grumble.

"I'm trying to be honest, and you have to hear it. But on the other hand, Tor...you guys have obviously have had some kind of deep connection for years that hasn't gone away, right? So maybe it can last. I know this is hard, but only time will tell."

"I guess you're right," I nod. "But let's just say she and I date. Do you think we look weird together? Does she look too young? Do I look old? I don't want people staring at us."

"I know you have mirrors in your house, Tor. You're not fat and bald, for God's sake. You look great. Your body is like a damn Greek God. And you've still got that rock star look going on with the hair and tattoos. So no, you don't look old," she pauses to sip her coffee. "And don't even get me started on Kenzi. That girl is gorgeous. And she doesn't even have to try, it's so unfair. She doesn't look or act eighteen, so I think once again, you're okay if you're worried about visual appearances."

"Well, that makes me feel better."

"What about conversation? Do you have things to talk about? Things in common? She hasn't turned into a babbling idiot, right?"

"Definitely not. That's not a problem for us at all. We've always had great conversations."

"How about sex? Have you slept with her?"

Memories of Kenzi on top of me last night and holding her in my arms for hours afterwards float through my mind. "Yesterday was the first time we ever slept together. And it was fucking amazing."

She sighs. "A little bit TMI, but I'm glad to hear you at least waited. The age of consent is sixteen, ya know. So It's nice you waited 'til she was eighteen."

"I'm not an asshole, Tesla. I do have some morals left."

"Were you her first?"

"Yes."

She gapes at me again. "Wow. Talk about setting the bar. My first guy was a scrawny sixteen year old who barely knew where to stick it. She's going to compare every guy in her life to you. That's going to be a tough act to follow."

"Don't even say that."

"Ya know, if you guys do somehow make this work, it's wicked romantic. For you to be her first and only for her entire life? That's just crazy awesome. And the fact that you'd wait for her to grow up to marry her? It's like an epic fairytale." She stares off across the room with a giddy smile on her face. "It's like every little girl’s dream. To find the Prince."

"I'm not sure I'm much of a Prince."

"In her eyes you are."

"So if we were together, you'd be okay with it?"

"Why wouldn't I be? I want you to be happy, and I like Kenzi. I hate that bitch Sydni and Lisa is just stuck up."

"She's not stuck up, you just have to get to know her."

"I'll pass. Are you still dating her, too?"

"Fuck no. I'm not seeing anyone else at all. I haven't even slept with anyone for over six months. The minute I started having feelings for Kenzi, I just couldn't do it."

"Impressive."

"No, it's love. I only want her. That's it."

"Mom will be ecstatic. She totally thinks you're gay."

I sputter into my coffee. "What? Are you fucking kidding?"

Laughing, she nods. "Yup. She's been really worried about you lately and thought you were hiding in the closet. I think she'll be glad to find out you're in love with a woman, even if it is Kenzi. Mom likes her, she's all into the animal stuff. She fits right in."

Jesus Christ. I wonder if that rumor has been floating around town and for how long.

"I can't believe this shit. And yeah, she does fit into my life. That's important to me. I'm never going to give up Devils’ Wolves."

"So let's talk about your biggest hurdle, because it's not anything between you and Kenzi. You two seem to be fine. It's Asher, right?"

"Yup."

"Does he have any idea? Have either of you dropped any hints?"

"No."

"Maybe you should start. Ease him into it slowly. He probably already has some kind of inkling, Tor. Even I knew and I really don't pay much attention to anyone around me."

That's true. Tessie has always been stuck in her own head and a bit on the unsocial side.

"I've run a million different imaginary conversations with him in my head. And I can't see any of them coming out okay. I can't see him accepting her with me. He'll think I betrayed him and took advantage of her. He'll think I'm a child molester. He'll fucking hate me."

"He knows you, Tor. He knows you're not the kind of guy to do something like that. You've taken care of her for her entire life. He knows how much you love her."

"See that's what I'm worried about. What you just said. You don't think it's sick that I can feel this way for her when I took care of her when she was a baby? What does that say about me?"

"I don't think it’s that black and white; you're not related to her. Even though you babysat her, and she called you uncle, you were still just a friend, Tor. That's what you have to focus on. You're a friend who helped your friends take care of their kid because they were only fifteen years old when they had her. You were just a kid yourself. You pretty much grew up with her. None of this is a normal situation, so how could there have been a normal result?"

I lean my elbows on the table and put my pounding head in my hands. "I don't know. I just want us to be able to be together and be happy, but I feel like people will crucify me."

"Stop beating yourself up, Toren. You haven't done anything wrong. You fell in love. Look at the world we live in. Falling in love with your best friend’s daughter who's fifteen years younger than you is nothing in the grand scheme of things, trust me. She's a legal adult now and she can make her own decisions. 'Nuff said."

"We're afraid of throwing Asher over the edge. He's all fucked up over Ember still. I don't think he can take another blow."

"I understand that, and it’s great that you both care about him, but you and Kenzi deserve to have your happiness. The world didn't stop just because of what happened to his wife. I know it sucks and it's devastating and heartbreaking and I hate to be harsh, but that’s the facts, Tor. You can't tip toe around him forever."

She stands, comes around the table, and puts her arms around me. "You're a good guy. You took care of all of us when Daddy died, and you took care of Kenzi and Asher when they needed you. You deserve to be happy. And if Asher can't see that you're the best guy in the world for his daughter? Then he's insane. No one will love her like you do."

"Thanks, kiddo," I squeeze her arm. "I just have to get my head straight."

"You will." She lets me go and crosses her arms to study me. "You're just going to have to be patient with her, Tor. As mature as she might be, she's still young, just like me. We want to have fun, be a little stupid sometimes, sow some oats, ya know?"

"I know."

"So if she acts crazy sometimes, you're going to have to let her. Have fun with her, don't be too serious. You're the boyfriend now, not the uncle. You can't control her and assert authority over her or she'll resent you."

I hadn't really thought about all that yet. I wonder if when Kenzi turns twenty-one if she'll be one of those girls that wants to go to clubs and stay out all night partying. I already went through that. I can't picture her doing that based on how she is now, but Tesla's right—who knows what the future will bring?

"Great."

"Tor..." she warns. "Just take it one day at a time."

I nod at her, still feeling overwhelmed. "I'll try."

"And smile." She adds.

"I'm smiling on the inside." I tease, grinning.

"Not good enough."

"I'll work on it." My cell phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out to see a text from Kenzi on my screen.

Kenzi: I got maybe two seconds of sleep last night. I can't stop thinking about you.

"See? Now that's a smile," Tesla says, eyeing me. "Lemme guess. A text from Kenzi?"

"Yeah."

Me: I know the feeling. ;) Get some sleep, Angel. I'm going to see you soon. At Tesla's now then going to the shop. I'll call you when I get there. I love you.

Kenzi: Tell her I said hi. I love you, too. Sooooo much.

"Okay, Tor. I said smile, not look like the joker." My sister teases.