Torn

His lips touch the top of my head before he replies. "I don't regret one moment. You and mom are everything to me."

"Then why can't you believe that me and Tor can have the same?"

His chest heaves up and down once again. "Because it’s wrong. He's too old for you. You called him your uncle for almost your entire life. He babysat you and changed your diapers. It's perverted, Kenzi. I feel sick just thinking about it,” he pauses and his hand stills on the back of my head. “Did he ever touch you when you were younger? Make you do things? Maybe play odd games?"

I lift my head up and stare at him, horrified at the mere idea of any of that. "Never. How can you even think that? He's your best friend, Dad. And yeah I know he took care of me but our relationship changed. We became more like friends as I got older. And then that slowly turned into more. It happened over the course of eighteen years, Dad. It grew and changed and evolved. None of those feelings were there when I was five, and I know deep down you know that. You or Mom would have known. And I would tell you if I had any memories at all that were creepy. There aren't any. You have to believe that."

"I'm trying to."

"He was terrified when things started to change. He pushed me away, he yelled at me. He made me go to Aunt Katherine's to put space between us. You have no idea how much he fought it, Dad," I say. "And honestly? I pulled him. I wanted to be in a relationship with him and I knew he felt the same way. I kept pulling him out of denial. So be mad at me."

Shaking his head, he swipes his other hand across his face with the towel he's holding. "I can't be mad at you. But I'm disappointed that you would lie to me and do things behind my back. I thought we were close enough where you could tell me anything."

My stomach burns with emotion. He’s right, I could always tell him and my mom anything and everything. "We are. But I knew you would never understand this and I was right."

"You knew I wouldn't understand it because it's wrong."

"No," I say firmly. "I knew you wouldn't understand because it doesn't fit into what you think is right."

He's silent, staring off across the room as he idly rubs circles on my back.

"Dad...I love you, but you have to let me make my own choices. I'm an adult, whether you like it or not."

"I totally understand that. But there is no way in hell I can look at you with him, or be in the same room with him knowing he's had his hands on you. I'll go crazy." He pauses for a moment. "I can't lose you, too, Kenzi. I can't have Mom being the way she is and you out there living your life and not being a part of mine."

"Then just accept us. Don’t make me choose. At least try." I beg.

"I can't,” he replies with tortured regret thick in his voice.

Despair floods through me, seeping into every crevice of my heart and soul. I'm trapped and torn between the two men I love most in the world. I can't imagine hurting either one of them or walking away from either one of them. Choosing one would only hurt the other, and that would devastate me beyond words.

I love them both. I need them both. I want them both in my life.

After I convince my dad to shower and go to bed, I quietly go back to my room and send Tor a text, my fingers shaking over the tiny keyboard.

Me: Are you okay? I've been so worried.

Tor: I'm only worried about the pain this is causing you.

Me: Did he hurt you? He said he hit you and I know you hit him

Tor: I didn't want to hit him but he said some really nasty things and I snapped. I'm sorry. Is he ok?

Me: He's fine. He just fell asleep. Please tell me if you're ok.

Tor: He fucked up my ribs pretty bad. I'm pretty sure he re-broke a few. He may have broken my nose, too. Tris is coming over in about an hour to take me to the ER.

I burst into uncontrollable tears as more anger and sorrow over this situation swell up in me.

Me: I can't believe he hurt you like that. I'm so sorry, Tor. This is my fault.

Tor: It's not, Angel. I should have talked to him when this first started. Or just never let this happen at all. I knew all along there wouldn't be a happy ending.

My heart clenches like a fist has grabbed hold of it and my stomach sinks at his words. If he retreats back into the mindset that we shouldn’t be together, my heart will shatter into a million pieces.

Me: What are you saying? Are you giving up on us?

Tor: I'll never give up on us. I just don't know what to do. I can't come between you and your father. That will eat me alive and you'll eventually resent me.

Me: I could never resent you. I love you.

Tor: I love you, too. I just need to think. And so do you.

Me: That's all I've been doing. I want to see you.

Tor: I want to see you too but let’s wait until later today. Let me get cleaned up and clear my head. There's something else I have to tell you.

Me: Okay...

Tor: Asher loaned me the money for this house. It was a cheap fixer upper when I bought it. He wants all the money owed or he wants me out in two weeks. I'm going to have to move.

Me: What?! He's taking your house away? I can't believe he would do that. I'll talk to him.

My God. How could my father turn so cruel? Can he really hate Tor just like that? After being best friends their entire lives? I cannot even fathom that.

Tor: Please don't. I'd rather not be owing him anything anymore.

Me: I'm devastated about this. I'm so disappointed in him.

Tor: Don't be. He loves you. Trust me, I expected all of this and worse. I have to go shower and change before Tris gets here. I'll call you as soon as I get home. Please don't worry, Angel. I love you. We'll figure something out.

I crumble again after our texting. I finally give in and call Chloe, spilling out the entire story in between hysterical crying spurts. She listens patiently while I ramble in mostly jumbled and incoherent sentences.

"Wow," she says when I’m done. "I wish you had talked to me sooner, Kenzi, rather than going through this alone. What do you think friends are for?"

"I'm sorry...I was afraid to tell anyone."

"I understand now. I probably would have done the same. But damn, you slept with the walking orgasm? I need to just let my imagination run with that for a few minutes."

I let out a little laugh, which I know is the response she was aiming for. "Still focusing on sex?" I try to tease back.

"Sadly, yes. Is he as good as I imagine he must be? I mean that body...that voice...that hair...those eyes. All that ink..."

"Chloe. Stop."

"Come on, give me something here and then we can get off the subject of his hotness."

Sighing, I can't keep the grin off my face as memories of making love with him cycle through my mind. "Fine. He's amazing, Chloe. Not that I have anything to compare him to other than books and movies, but yeah. He's extremely romantic and sensual, and he pretty much turns me to mush in every way possible. Happy now?"

"Damn. I hate you right now."

"Thanks?"

"I mean that in the most loving way possible. I'm very jealous. But also happy for you. You deserve someone like him. And seriously, Kenz, I saw this coming for miles. You two have been attached at the hip for like your entire life. His eyes literally dazzle when he looks at you and you look like you're going to melt when you look at him. It was obvious as fuck."

"Really? It was that noticeable?"

"I definitely caught the vibe."

I wonder how many other people could tell something was going on between us? How did my parents not notice if everyone else did? Or could they just not even fathom that anything could be growing between us?

"I'm so confused, Chloe. I don't know what to do. My dad is so pissed and heartbroken over this. I've never seen him this angry. And he beat the shit out of Tor. You know my father - he can't stand fighting or violence in any way."

"Yeah but you're his little girl. That changes everything."

"I guess you're right. And I had no idea that he loaned Tor the money for his house."

"It sounds like over the years your Dad really did everything he could for Toren. Paying for his lawyers, helping his business, making sure he got all the royalties he's owed, helping him get a house. Him finding out that Tor was sexually involved with his daughter must seem like a massive betrayal for him. How could it not?"

"But its not just sexual, Chloe. We love each other and want to spend our lives together. It's not some kind of fling. This is real."

"I understand that, but men don't really think that way. I think all your dad is seeing is his best friend, who's his age, crawling all over his daughter. It's a typical father reaction, I think."

I sink down onto the floor and rub my pulsing forehead. I've had a massive headache since this all started last night and it's not letting up.

"I don't know what to do, Chloe. I'm so confused and heartbroken."

"Do you want my honest advice? I don't know if it's the right advice, but it’s my best advice based on how well I know you and your situation and how you grew up."

"Okay. Let's hear it."

"I think you need to get away from both of them for a while."

"Chloe..."

"Just listen. You've spent your entire life encapsulated in this little world with your parents, and the band, and Tor. I think your family is great; I love your dad and I think Tor is a rare gem, but I think you need to cut the cord from both of them for a while and just be you. You and your father are way too attached to each other. He has to learn how to let you go, and you have to stop trying to take care of him."

I let her words filter in and take hold. Deep down, I know what she's saying is true. I just don't know how to let go. And I don't think my dad and Tor do, either. We're all mangled up in each other.

"I don't know..."