Troubles and Treats

The only good part about this day is that I don’t feel so self-conscious about myself anymore. Maybe this whole time I haven’t really been worried about left-over baby fat; I’ve been worried about my vagina being too furry. I really do feel a whole lot sexier knowing what’s going on down there in my underwear right now. Once Stephanie could actually see my vagina, she had told me it was very nice. And since she’s seen a lot of vaginas in her line of work, I trust her judgment.

I’m a little more confident now about talking to Drew as well and telling him what I need. Weird how a hairless vagina can do that for you. I’m pretty excited to finally be honest with Drew and take my new vagina out for a spin. I wish it wasn’t frowned upon to go without pants in public.

Chapter 20 – Who’s on Goal, What’s on Basket?

“So how good looking are we talking here? Like Chace Crawford hot or Penn Badgley hot?” Carter asks me while we’re packing up our work bags and getting ready to clock out for the night.

Of course I tell my boys everything about the f**king home wrecker that moved in across the street. They know he’s trying to move in on my territory and take over as hottest guy on the block. Oh, hell no! That position has been mine for four years. Plus, I don’t like the way he looked at Jenny the other night. And she had made him cookies. COOKIES! She only makes cookies for me. Just like I’m the only one who ever surprises her with little candy treats. Well, I used to do that. I guess I’ve kind of forgot lately.

“Who the f**k are Chace Penn and Crawford Badgley?” Jim asks as he walks with us towards the exit doors of the automotive plant.

“It’s Chace Crawford and Penn Badgley. The two leading actors on Gossip Girl,” I tell him. “It’s like you’ve never even picked up an US Weekly. Live a little, Jim.”

We head out to the parking lot and make our way to our cars. I can’t get the picture of Fuckson out of my head and the way he was so casually friendly with my wife.

“Oh, Jenny! Thank you so much for the cookies. I can’t wait to eat your scrumptious cookies and then f**k you in the living room on a pile of cookies while your husband is at work,” I say in a high pitched voice.

“Does he really sound like that? Because I gotta say, if he does, you have nothing to worry about,” Carter tells me as we wave to a few other guys heading out to their cars.

“Well, it wasn’t exactly like that. It was more like, ‘Mmmm, me like cookies. Me eat cookies all gone,” I say in a deep, voice.

“So easy a caveman can do it,” Jim says with a laugh.

“This is no laughing matter, Jim. I know I made a huge mistake when I had my dad trail Jenny because I thought she was hiding something from me a few weeks ago. and I’m still in the doghouse for it, but what if she’s decided to get back at me by actually hiding something?”

In all honesty, I really don’t think the stuff going on with us lately is that serious, even though I went along with the therapy and the disastrous dinner with the neighbors. I kind of just do it to humor Jenny. If she thinks something needs to be fixed, then who am I to tell her it doesn’t? I figure she will just eventually bounce back to the Jenny I know and love. The crazy, nympho Jenny who likes to test out Ben Wa balls in a sex toy store and who lets me put a remote control vibrator on her during our wedding ceremony.

“Do you, Jenny, take Drew to be your-”

“OH MY GOD! OH YES, YES, YES! OH JESUS YES!”

“Well, alright then. I think that means I can now pronounce you husband and-”

“KEEP GOING! OH GOD DON’T STOP!”

“Um, wife? Sorry, that’s all I’ve got.”

“Suddenly, after becoming buddy-buddy with Shirtless McFucker Face, she wants vanilla sex. She wants to just…do it. No bells and whistles, no live animals, no power strips for electrical safety precautions, and no elbow pads or helmets. I don’t understand,” I complain to the guys as we get to Jim’s car first and we all stop next to it. “She ruined me for vanilla sex. She ruined me and it was the best way to be ruined ever. And now she just expects me to go back to missionary position only with the lights off?”

Jim opens his car door and throws his bag in the backseat.

“Elbow pads and a helmet?” Carter asks.

“Oh man, best day ever. We went to a skateboard park and did it sliding down the ramp,” I tell him. “We had to keep stopping, getting up, and going to the top so we could slip back down again so it took a while, but it was still magical.”

Man, those were the days.

“Before we make any snap judgments, I think we need to meet this Jackson guy,” Jim explains.

“It’s Fuckson. Get it right,” I tell him sternly.

“Fine, Fuckson. I want to meet him and see for myself if he poses a threat.”

Jenny volunteered to coach Veronica’s peewee soccer team and they have their first game tomorrow afternoon. She must really be bored with work and the kids to sign up for something like that. Maybe that’s why she’s been so different lately. She’s bored and doesn’t have enough to do. Too bad she doesn’t know a thing about soccer, so I don’t think coaching is going to be as life fulfilling as she might think.

Veronica had told me she asked Fuckson if he would come watch her game and he said yes.

Fucking crapbag.

Of course she doesn’t call him Fuckson. She calls him her best friend ever. Well you know who my best friends are? My two fists. And they’re eager to meet Shit on a Stick’s face. Booyah!