He falls onto the couch and puts his head in his hands in defeat. “I love you, Tabi. If you need to leave, then go. Just fucking go.”

I head for the door with Sterling chasing after me, and my heart snaps again as he stops next to me and tilts his head up. I bend down and rub the soft fur under his chin. “Goodbye, little guy. I’ll miss you and your cuddles so much.” He rubs his head into my palm, his purr echoing right through me.

“Then don’t leave us,” Vandal mumbles from the couch, his head still down.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I run out the door, slamming it behind me. I don’t look back.

As I throw open the garage door and get into the car, the tears start in full force. As I throttle the car down the street, I know that Vandal is still sitting on the couch, fighting the urge to drink.

I’ve lost everything. Again.

Vandal

My heart’s pounding double time, my head is throbbing, and my hands are shaking as I stumble to the bathroom and find my bottle of Valium and down a few before taking out the pack of razor blades I bought a while ago. Holding one between my teeth I yank my jeans off and then start the slow slice on my thigh. My eyes close and I exhale slowly as the blood drips down my leg and onto the tiled floor. The scent of her perfume and shampoo seep into me as I revel in the swarm of emotions that are assaulting me.

I dig my cellphone out of my jeans pocket and call her. I’ve never called her before, but I’m glad I took her phone when she was sleeping weeks ago so I could get her number and program mine in hers. Just in case something like this happened.

It rings and rings. Voicemail.

I redial.

Rings. Rings. Rings. Rings. Voicemail.

Fuck!

I send a text.

Answer your phone. You are still mine.

I bandage my leg and clean the blood off the floor. Crashing back on the couch, I redial again. Rings. Rings. Rings. Rings. Voicemail.

Fuck! I need to hear her voice. Her real voice, not this fake, happy voicemail voice.

I hit redial nonstop for an hour. I’m drowsy from the Valium but I fight falling asleep. I should go after her but she’s got my car, and I can’t ride my bike on these dark roads, especially all fucked up on Valium. I could have Lukas drive me to her house, though. I quickly call Lukas.

“Hey,” he answers.

“Lukas … she left. You have to drive me to her house. She took my car.”

“What?”

“That fucking whore told her, she knows I was in the accident. Tabi got upset and left me. She took my car and she won’t answer her phone. I’ve been calling her for an hour.”

He sighs on the other end. “Vandal, listen to me. You have to give her some time. You going over there and forcing her to talk to you more is only going to make things worse.”

“I have to fucking talk to her!”

“I know, but you have to let her calm down first. Trust me on this; I have more experience with this than you do. You gotta let her calm down. Women do not like to be rushed or cornered when they are pissed.”

“We were so fucking happy, Lukas. Now she hates me. She wouldn’t even look at me.” I press my fingers into my forehead, my mind spinning. I just want her back here now.

“Van, I’m sure she doesn’t hate you. She’s upset. Think about how hard this is for her to deal with. Just give her some time to process it all. Chasing her down will only make her run more.”

“Fuck!” I yell, frustrated. I hate him for being so calm and rationale.

“Vandal, calm down. There’s nothing you can do but just let her be for a little while. Trust me. Don’t make it worse. You’ll regret it.”

“I can’t deal with any of this. She took my car,” I repeat. “I’m going to need a ride over there at some point to get it.”

“That’s fine. Don’t worry. When she’s ready, we’ll go get it. I’ll drive you. Just watch a movie or listen to some music and go to bed for now. Okay?”

“Do you think she’ll come back? Or do you think I fucked up way too bad?”

He hesitates before answering me. “This was a pretty big fuck-up, but if she really loves you, which I think she does, she’ll come around. If you give her some time.”

“Fine,” I mutter drowsily.

“Call me tomorrow. In the meantime, stop calling her.”

I end the call with Lukas.

Shit. Fuck.

I send another text to Tabi:

Plz just let me know u r ok

A few seconds later, my phone beeps.

T: I’m home and I’m fine. Very upset though. Please stop calling.

V: Come back. Let me hold you. Let me fix this.

T: Please stop..

V: I can’t. I need you. You need me.

T: I’ll txt you 2moro and you can come get your car. Goodnight.

***

“Please don’t make a scene with her at her house, all right?” Lukas says as he drives me to Tabi’s house to get my car. I’m completely hung-over from all the Valiums and I feel as if a truck ran me over.

“What the fuck ever,” I say to him.

“Maybe you should put this off until you’re in a better mood.”

“No. I need my car and I want to see her.”

“You don’t need your car. You have another one at the other house we could go get.”

“She’s got my hot rod.”

He laughs, his jaw dropping. “Shit, you let her drive your favorite car?”

“I didn’t let her, she took it. I don’t care about the car anyway. I just want her back.”

We drive in silence except for me directing Lukas which streets to turn down.

I sit up in my seat. “It’s the blue house on the right.” I point to her house and he pulls in front and throws the car in park.

“I’m going to wait here, just in case,” he says. “If she wants you to leave her alone, just leave, okay? Don’t make things worse.”

I ignore him and walk up to the front steps. It looks as if she had a landscaper come while she was at my place to take care of the lawn, as it’s all mowed to a short height. I ring the doorbell and wait impatiently. A few seconds go by and she opens the door, leaving the screen door between us.

“Can I come in?” I ask her.

“No. This is the house I shared with my husband. You don’t belong in here.” She opens the screen door a few inches and passes my keychain through to me, pulling the screen door shut again.

“Really?” I say to her in disbelief. “This is what you’re going to do?”

“Vandal, please don’t make this harder. I’m exhausted, and I’m sure you are too. You look terrible.”

“We can’t even talk about this? It’s just over? Just like that?”

She looks at me tearfully, and all I want to do is wrap my arms around her and hold her forever. “I don’t know,” she replies. “I need some time away from you to figure things out in my head. I can’t think when you’re around.” She’s still wearing the necklace. If she wanted it off she could have easily removed it with pliers or picked the tiny lock. I pray it means something that she hasn’t taken it off.

“I miss you,” I say. “So does Sterling.”

“Please don’t do that. I’m upset enough.”

“Just come back home with me, then. Don’t throw everything away. I’ll leave you alone; you can have the guest room. Just come back with me.” She bites her lip and looks up at me through the screen, and for a moment I think I’ve broken through her armor. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the accident. I just didn’t know how, and then with each day that went by I was afraid to lose you. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.” I plead with my eyes for her to give me another chance to make this right.

She stares past me at Lukas waiting, and then flicks her eyes back to mine. “But you did hurt me. A lot. When I was already hurting.”

I put my hand flat on the screen, wishing I could touch her. “Tabi, I’ve never been in a relationship before. Ever. I’m not trying to make excuses, just telling the truth. I know I’m not good at this and I fucked up, but I never meant to hurt you. I can be better—just give me a chance. Didn’t I make you happy at all?” Emotion wells up in me. Fuck, I don’t want to break down in front of her.

She places her hand against mine, the screen between us. “You made me very happy, Vandal. More than you know.”

I swallow hard. “Then let me keep doing it.”

She pulls her hand away. “Please just give me some time. Can you give me that?”

No.

“Fine. I’ll be waiting for you; you know that, right? And you’re getting a spanking when you come back,” I tease, trying to make her smile. She does, but it’s a sad smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, and it breaks me.

“Be good, Vandal. Don’t get all destructive and do things you will regret, okay? And give Sterling lots of love for me. I have to go now.” Tears spill from her eyes and she closes the door.

Fuck.

I don’t want to leave. I want to stand by her door until she comes out and lets me take her back home. I close my eyes and try to will her to come back, but she doesn’t. I’m still alone.

“Vandal. Come on,” Lukas yells from the street.

I wave my hand at him in annoyance and head to my car, but I start crying as soon as I try to get behind the wheel because she’s got the seat shoved so far forward I can’t get in. I can’t face the thought of her never standing on her tiptoes to kiss me again, or feeling her small body tucked up against mine while she sleeps. I can’t face the thought of never again seeing how beautiful she looks kneeling for me, and how adorable she looks sitting on the floor playing with Sterling.

I have to fix this. Somehow, I have to get her back.

***

Two months later, Sterling and I moved into a new house closer to the tattoo shop, and I sold the one that I lived with Katie in. Although it was bittersweet to sell it, the memories were too painful for me to stay there.