I text Tabitha every day to tell her I miss her, or to say hello, or to say good night. Sometimes she replies, but it’s always short. I’ll take what I can get.

Aria told me that if you picture something in your mind enough, you can manifest it into your life. I have a picture in my mind, of me, Tabi and Sterling living in a beautiful home, with a photography studio for her and a sex room adorned with lots of toys, a beautiful yard with lots of little whimsical statues, a Koi pond, candlelit dinners, lots of laughter, and no more secrets. The house I bought is everything I wanted and everything I know she wanted. It’s pretty barren inside for now, because I want to wait for her to decorate and furnish it. I don’t care, though. My hope is someday, she’ll live here with me. Until then, we’ll wait.

Asher let me and Sydni split the tour so I could play some of the concerts, and it worked out great for everyone. Being on stage was great therapy for me, and so is working at the tattoo shop with Lukas again. I feel like I belong for once, and have spent a little more time with my cousins getting to know them. Much to Asher and Storm’s dismay, the Get Vandalized! T-shirts have way outsold any of the other band T-shirts. I rub this in their faces every chance I get.

When Tabi left, I realized once again that I was at a fork in the road of my life. I could choose the road of self-destruction, which is the road I always took, or I could take the road that was smoother, straighter, and well lit.

If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting.

Lukas said those words to me not long ago, urging me to choose the smooth road for once. Staying straight and sober, focusing on putting my life back together again, has definitely turned out much better than hacking my flesh and getting wasted every day.

I miss Tabitha so much it literally hurts, but I’m giving her the space she asked for. I didn’t think it would stretch out to six months so far, but I’m doing the best I can, dealing with it. I’ve turned down all sexual advances from the Sugar Kiss chicks, and other random hook-ups, staying true to my commitment to her. I’ve never jerked off so much in my entire friggen life but I refuse to break the commitment we made to each other. Until she can look me in the eye and tell me goodbye forever, I consider myself hers.

I stalk her new photography website and social media page more than I should, hoping I don’t turn into a raging lunatic if I ever see her mention another guy or see any flirting, but thankfully, I haven’t. I found out from Ivy that Tabi used Nick’s life insurance money to open a photography studio in town and purchase some new equipment. The girl takes some amazing photographs and I could not be more proud of her. I worry about her being alone all the time, but I guess that’s what she wants.

All I can do is wait, and hope. And wait.

And wait some more.

Tabitha

Its strange how when you’re hurt, you think nothing could ever hurt this much again. But that’s not true. When Nick died, I couldn’t imagine ever feeling a pain like that again. But losing Vandal not only ripped my heart out, but ripped half my soul out too.

Maybe it was the pain of all of it combined that did me in. Losing Nick. Deceiving Vandal. Struggling with my guilt. Falling in love with Vandal. Losing Vandal. Trying to figure out who the hell I was and what I wanted. I cracked like an egg.

I never had a very close relationship with my mother. My father left her when I was in high school and her focus shifted on dating and finding a new husband. I was okay with that because I was independent, and then I met Nick and was happy just living my own life and letting her live hers. But thankfully, the longer than usual silence from me after the break with Vandal disturbed her and she came to my house.

And then promptly had me committed to a private short-term mental health facility. Which, to be honest, wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It was more like a spa with psychiatrists.

The flashbacks I started to have from the accident were awful. Nick and Renee died instantly, and Vandal was unconscious, but while we waited for the ambulance to come, I was conscious, and so was Katie. I remember crawling out of the car, bleeding and confused. I remember seeing things no one should ever see. I heard the crying. I will never not hear the crying. I tried to crawl to the crying and came across artwork in the road. I remember wondering why artwork was in the road, and why it was bumpy. Only it wasn’t the road at all, it was Vandal lying in the road, and I was staring at his tattooed arm. Then the crying stopped, and I was left alone with the bloody artwork, and I was scared until his hand slowly moved and touched mine, and didn’t let go until the ambulance came and the paramedics pulled us apart. I think he became mine right then.

I can never tell him what I remember, but I will never forget.

Therapy helped me immensely. The flashbacks and nightmares eventually stopped. I started to eat again. I stopped crying. Okay, I stopped crying as much. After a while, my head cleared and I was able to think and feel again, like a normal person. My therapist helped me put things into an understandable perspective. I didn’t tell the therapist about the D/s part of my relationship with Vandal. I know she would think it was abusive, but mostly, I just wanted to keep that part of my life private.

I used some of Nick’s life insurance money to take two photography classes that I could never afford before, and I purchased some new equipment. I started photographing engaged couples, children, pets, and then Sugar Kiss, and a few of the guys from Ashes & Embers. I got a few models together and did some surreal theme shoots in the woods. In just a few weeks, I had people calling me to shoot for them. I rented an itty-bitty studio in town. Finally, I was doing what I’d always wanted to do, and I was actually good at it.

I sold the house and found a small apartment near the studio. I couldn’t bring myself to buy a house, because a certain long-haired, sexy man that refused to give up had texted me photos of my dream house, with a cute little blind cat curled up on a beautiful window seat overlooking a pond. Come home, he texted with the photos. I wanted to jump in my car and drive right over, but I held back.

Lara asked me if I could possibly forgive him. And after much thinking and soul searching, I realized I didn’t have to forgive him. The accident was just that—an accident. He was a victim, just like the rest of us. He should have told me who he was, but now I understand his reasons for not telling me. None of us are perfect, and we all do things we’re not proud of. My therapist urged me to consider the fact that Vandal most likely didn’t learn much about right or wrong when he was young and didn’t have positive role models to teach him.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking of him. Every morning, I wanted to kiss him. I missed him bathing me. I missed having breakfast with him. I missed the sex, the submission, and the control. I missed his voice. I missed his eyes and his smile. I missed Sterling. I missed hearing his music and the way it floated into me. I missed feeling loved, cherished and desired. I missed us.

I tried to distract myself, but my thoughts always went back to him. I always wanted to call him to share my day with him. I wanted so badly to show him my studio.

Lara and I went to one of his concerts, and it was amazing watching him on stage. I enjoyed seeing girls flirt with him and watching him walk away from them, even though he didn’t know I was there. He still loved me. I finally came to terms with the fact that I was truly in love with this guy and I wanted him in my life, no matter what.

He texts me, once every day. I save them all. These are my favorites.

Good morning, sunshine

I fucking miss you

Hope you are having a great day

Sterling just barfed. I stepped in it. I know you’re laughing.

I miss waking up to you

Good night, Tabicat

I wish you were here

You will love this house.

Come home

Lukas says hi

Migraine all day :(

Rio showed me the pix. So proud of you.

My cock misses you

Do you ever think of me?

I miss your eyes

I hope you’re eating

Sweet dreams, Tabicat

I hope you call me someday

I hardly smile without you

I miss movie night

You were the best part of my day

Are you getting these?

You are still mine. I will spank you again.

One day, Asher saunters into my photography studio as I’m looking through a catalog of backdrops I want to order. I’d met him once before when I took some photos for the band website, but it was brief and we didn’t really talk, so I’m not sure why he’s here today.

“Hi …” I say. “What’s up?”

He’s tall and muscular, wearing an old tattered leather cowboy hat over his long wavy brown hair.

“Time’s up,” he says, studying the various photos on the wall, not looking at me.

I furrow my brow at him. “Excuse me?”

“We wait for love to come to us; we don’t make love wait for us.”

“Um?”

He walks towards the front window of the studio and then spins on his heel to look at me, and the sun catches the gem that’s embedded in a skeleton key around his neck, shooting a ray of light directly in my face. I hold my hand up to shield my eyes from it.

“Stop wasting time,” he says.

I blink the sunspots from my vision, but he’s gone.

Don’t make love wait.

As odd as that encounter with him was, his words burn into my brain and I know he’s right. It’s time.

I need to get Vandal back before I lose him forever.

Vandal

“I’m here again,” I say, placing a teddy bear on the headstone. Most of the bears I’ve left are gone. I’m not sure if they blow away, or if the caretaker takes them after a while and trashes them. I try not to think about where they go.

“Happy birthday, baby girl.”

I wipe my eyes and lie on the ground in front of the headstone. What I wouldn’t do to have her here, to see her dressed up in a special birthday dress, blowing out candles like little girls should.

I come here about once a month now. I’m learning to feel close to her in other places, but still feel the pull to come here, too. She’s helped me be the man I should have been a long time ago.