Chapter Twelve

Valen

Anger and confusion turn into guilt pretty quickly once the alcohol is out of your system. I’m still mad he didn’t tell me straight up, right away. I also feel bad about how I reacted. I’d blame it on love making you do stupid things, but deep down I know why I overreacted. Seeing him happy, with family, proved me right in some disenchanting way. I wanted to find a flaw in him, wanted to have something to pin on his chest and label him as damaged. Men as perfect as Hutch shouldn’t exist.

They do.

I blew my chances of having it for my own by harboring insecurities that stem from my Dean era psyche. I make no excuses for my actions, but it doesn’t keep my thoughts from wandering. What-ifs are a nasty bitch. It took an entire week to catch up with my work, but I stayed up late, woke up early, and I’m finally ahead of the curve.

Greer returned to LA and her own crazy life. I think she saw Baz a couple more times before she left for home, but she didn’t talk about him for fear I might crack like a China doll. What a bad fucking friend I am. She has to dull her happiness because of my misery. I vowed the next time we got together I’d be a different person. The old Valen, before Hutch.

I texted Hutch an apology for how things went down outside the club in downtown San Diego. It truly is cringe worthy what I made him admit to on a sidewalk full of strangers in my drunken rage. He texted back a one word response: forgiven.

It made me cry to feel his sincerity through a simple reply. I wish I’d said more, urged him to talk about the situation, but I didn’t feel like I deserved anymore of his time after how I behaved. My phone buzzes on my desk. I glance over. It’s a text from one of my single, wild friends.

“It’s Pixie’s birthday party at Burning Fish tonight. Come.” Only she would get away with sending me a text the day of an event.

Burning Fish sounds like an awful idea. Not only does frogging not appeal to me in the least, but it would be the worst thing in the world for my ego if I ran into any of the men I’ve been with. It would merely serve as a reminder of Hutch and my mistakes. She texts again after a few seconds.

“I mean it. You better come.” It would be nice to get out and be around people. Greer’s been busy, the house is quiet, and all my work is finished. Removing the yellow glasses, I rub the bridge of my nose and head into my closet to find something suitable to wear. Nothing too slutty, but I don’t want to go Professor McGonagall, either.

On a whim, I grab my phone and tap out a violent, desperate text to Hutch. “Frog Hog prowling Burning Fish in two hours. Black heart tattoo on left hip-bone. Seeking decent man to date.” Wincing so hard, I almost can’t see, I hit the send button and toss my phone on my bed like it’s on fire. “Idiot. Idiot. Idiot,” I reply, shaking my hands like possessed devils.

Chewing my thumb nail I stare at the black rectangular device like my future depends on it. Well, it kind of does. When he doesn’t respond straight away, I shower and take my time with my makeup and hair. As I shimmy on my leather leggings I lean over my bed to find an empty screen. No new messages or calls. “Damn it,” I whisper, swallowing down the disappointment.

I choose a red plaid shirt and paint my lips with a gloss that will stay there all fucking night. It won’t smudge off regardless of what I do with my lips and mouth. Greer gave me three different shades of the stuff that didn’t go well with her complexion. I drive to Burning Fish with a scowl on my face and regret tingeing every pore in my body.

My friends have taken over a sprawling table in the corner by the bar. They’re already loud and raucous and I can’t help but smile as I approach. “Valen,” Pixie, the birthday girl, chirps. “I didn’t think you’d make it. It’s not a working night,” she says, winking.

“Ha-ha. I can come here to celebrate with you and not even look at men,” I reply. It’s true. I don’t even notice them. It’s like when things went south with Hutch and I, someone sprayed man repellant all over my body. The mere thought of another man touching my skin makes it crawl. How long will that last? My poor vagina. Vincent will have to make an appearance soon.

She drags me over to the table and forces a shot into my hand. Pixie is a bleached blonde Marilyn Monroe look alike. She is a classically trained dancer from Julliard. To pay bills she dances a little less classically over at Platinum Sex. Oh, and she’ll clean your house naked for a cool grand per hour. I’ve been told it is money well spent.

After the shot and casual chit-chat with friends I haven’t caught up with in a while, Pixie nods to the screened in room at the back of Burning Fish. “Word on the street is that there’s some dude asking for ya’ back there,” she says, her sexy drawl on display even when she’s not working for money.

I grin. “What street would that be, Pix? You know we don’t stand on the same ones.”

Laughing, Pixie playfully swats my shoulder. “Don’t offend a lady on her birthday,” she replies. “Just take her advice without asking questions.”

I wish her a happy birthday and set off, my feet heavy as I make my way through the throng of people enjoying the nice SoCal night.

My heartbeats force their way into my awareness—warning bumps instead of bells. It has to be Hutch. It has to, but he never messaged me back. In true Hutch fashion, sitting in almost the same place as the first time I saw him, he’s leaning against the wall like he owns the entire fucking room. The second our eyes lock the tears come. They aren’t angry and bitter, they’re sad and relieved.

Hutch smirks as I walk over, his gaze flicking around the room casually, like he’s not giving me the time of day. When I’m standing in front of him I ask, “Now what’s a man like you doing here by himself?”

He grins, but still doesn’t meet my eyes. “Oh, just waiting on someone.”

“Can I help you find her?”

“Maybe,” he says, finally turning his face to meet mine. My breath catches in my throat and my stomach flips over. His green eyes slide down to check me out, but then fall on my eyes and hold. “I never said it was a her, though.”

Extending my hand, I step closer. I’m almost in between his feet. “I’m Valen. Do you want to get out of here and talk?”

He eyes me warily now, his neck working as he swallows. He takes my hand in his. You know when you accidently touch a hot pan on the stove and you snake your hand away as quickly as possible? That’s the reaction touching his skin has. I want to pull it away, get away from the electric energy between us, but I can’t. My heart wouldn’t let me even if I tried. “We could go talk in my car,” I offer.

His smile widens to a full-blown laugh. “Somehow I don’t think that would be a good idea.” Cars are a Valen and Hutch aphrodisiac.

“Anywhere, Hutch. Please. I just want to talk to you.” I sound pathetic, weak, a woman I’d never dream of being, but sometimes love means stepping on your own pride to fix things. Pride, go wait in the corner, Mamma has to do a few questionable things. “Please,” I plead.

Hutch closes his eyes and pulls his hand away. “Valen,” he says, shaking his head. “Talking would be fabulous, but seeing you after all this time only forces one singular thought to mind. Fucking you. That is definitely not talking. I came here for the sole reason to make sure you wanted me here.”

I take a step back and then another and put up my palms. “My car is too small to have sex in. It’s quiet and we can have privacy.” Looking around, he realizes I’m right. With a sigh, he follows me out to my car and gets into the passenger side. “God, Hutch, I miss you,” I whisper. Looking at him would be a catastrophe when he’s this close, so I keep my face down. “I’m so sorry.”

“You’ve apologized already for that night. Please stop.” His voice is booming in the small space and it sends a shockwave directly between my legs. “I should have told you sooner. The only reason I didn’t was because I wanted to make sure it was going to stick before I introduced you to Briar.” His daughter’s name. It makes her more real than when I saw her holding his hand on the street.

He takes my hand in his. “She’s my world, you see? I had to think about her feelings first. She’s a great girl—six years old and extremely smart. A spitting image of Tabitha.” His voice breaks on the last word. His wife’s name. My chest burns.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I cry out, my heart aching at the sight of his obvious pain. “I would have understood. We could have set boundaries, if you’d just told me up front. Seeing you with them,” I say, voice trembling. “Out of context, out of state, was awful. I thought I was the other woman.” Just a child. Not a wife. Not one alive anyways. I can deal with this. For Hutch, I can work through this.

“You’re my only woman, Valen. You weren’t supposed to see us. Darla, her aunt, was going to meet you first and then Briar. I had a plan. I’d decided how I wanted it to happen. I’m sorry you saw what you did. If I thought for a second it was going to go down the way it did I would have told you sooner. Briar is my world. When you started stealing oxygen in that world, I panicked.”

Air pushes through my lips quickly as I try to catch my breath. “You’re an asshole for keeping that from me.”

He sighs. “Don’t swear. I apologized for it. When you’re a parent you’ll understand why it’s important to…guard what’s yours.”

He speaks like a man with an undying love and devotion to his child and I can’t fault him for that which I don’t understand. The question is can I deal with it? “When does she live with you?”

He seems pleased I’ve asked about her—like maybe he’s out of hot water for being a secret hoarder. “She stays with me all the time when I’m not in a work-up or deployed and I visit as frequently as I can when I am in those phases. Darla is working on getting a job transfer out here and that would make life a little easier and I’d get to see Briar more.” He looks at me, questioning how much he should say. I nod for him to continue. It’s all out now. Might as well learn the specifics.

“Tabitha and I lived in Virginia Beach when we first got married. I was a SEAL at Team 5. She was my high school sweetheart—the only woman I’d ever been with. We had Briar and everything was falling into place. After the accident and her death, I had to get out of there, had to switch Teams. Everything reminded me of her and the life I almost had.” He looks out the window and avoids my gaze completely. “A part of me died with her. I moved to Coronado with Briar soon after and had to hire nannies to help me because I was gone so much. I knew Tab wouldn’t want her to grow up like that.”

I shake my head. What an awful situation to be in. It breaks my heart even more. “It would have been easier if I stayed, but it’s still hard to be there even to this day. Briar started school this year and it was easier for her to be with Darla because I’m about to deploy.”

“She needs to be with you,” I say, nodding. It’s logical. It makes the most sense. “Bring her here.”

“Ah. It’s not that simple. Think about how many trips I’ve been on since we’ve met.” I swallow down the initial shock that Briar has to live with her aunt, as the reality of his situation hits me full force. “She needs stability. Not nannies. Stability is Tab’s sister. It’s what she would have wanted. I pay the price for my career more than most.” He quirks a brow. “This is how the military works. A lot of kids are in the same position with single parents.”

“How completely awful. We need to work out a way that she can be here full time. Okay?”

“We?” he asks, smiling.

I didn’t even catch the slip. “Yes. Of course. You have me now. I don’t know a hill of beans about kids but I love you Hutch, and I want to make you happy and you won’t be happy here with me…without her.”

Tears prick my eyes. “I can share you with her,” I say. He can take that however he wants and I mean it in a couple different ways, because he never fell out of love with an ex-wife. His fatal flaw is loving too much.

He leans over, presses his forehead against mine and says, “You don’t have to share me with anyone. That’s not the way this works. You’ll see.”

“I just wish you told me about her. I understand your reservations, but I would have accepted the situation. I’ll do my best, okay? I can promise you that. I’m so sorry about the mess this turned into. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you to make the right decisions. I’m just sorry,” I say.

“As happy as I am to hear that, and as much as I miss Briar, right now, I miss you, Valen. Your house or mine?”

I laugh through a face full of wet tears. He wipes under my eyes with his thumbs. “Didn’t think you’d catch a DILF while Frog Hogging, did ya’?”

Our laughs fill the car and when the silence descends, I say “Yours.”