Eleven

Ali

So the past week had pretty much been miserable.

Anger can only take you so far. Once that evens out, all you’re left with is loss.

I hadn’t expected to feel so bad about ending things with Sebastian. After all, I’d reconnected with him less than a month ago, and he’d made it pretty clear that he was just having fun with me. It had been nice to “get laid,” he’d said. Evidently, that was all we’d ever had.

It shouldn’t seem like my entire world was different just because he was no longer in my life.

It did though.

I didn’t fall into depression or anything. I kept getting up in the morning, doing my job, and taking care of things around the house. But there was always a dark void at the back of my mind, reminding me that something should have been filling it. Sebastian should have been filling it.

I saw him a few times—just around the Gentry house, when I went over there to take care of last-minute details for the gala on Saturday night. I tried to avoid him, but sometimes it was inevitable. I’d turn a corner, and there he’d be, looking handsome and tired and sober. He never avoided my gaze, but it was hard to look him in the eyes since there was something in his expression that hurt too much.

We never talked.

Soon the gala would be over though. Soon I’d never see him again.

And soon I’d have no chance to do anything about what Maxwell and Gentry had done to my father and so many others. Sebastian had taken my evidence, but I still had one more week to find something else.

I hadn’t done any searching all week though. I wasn’t sure why. Maybe I’d just given up. Or maybe I’d changed my mind.

“Ali,” Cheryl said sharply as we were wrapping up in her office at the end of another long day. “Ali, did you hear me?”

I blinked and tried to focus again. “What? No, I’m sorry. What did you ask?”

“I asked what you were going to wear to the gala. Are you okay? You’ve been kind of weird this week.”

I wasn’t surprised that she’d noticed, although I’d tried to act as normal as possible. “Yeah. Just tired, I guess.”

She peered at my face, and I wasn’t sure what she saw there. “You should take a few days off after we’re done with this gala. You’ve been working really hard.”

“I might. Thank you.”

“So what are you going to wear?”

I had only one dress that was remotely appropriate for evening events. “The black one.”

She shook her head. “That won’t do. You’ve worn it too much, and it’s starting to look it.”

“I don’t have money to buy another dress.” I knew she was right about my simple black dress, so I wasn’t offended. It was just one more thing that simply wouldn’t fall into place. It felt like everything in my life was as worn and tired as that dress.

She reached into a drawer of her desk and pulled out her purse. “I thought you might say that. Looking good at events is part of the job, so you need to buy something better.” She took out a sealed bank envelope. “Here. Buy yourself a nice dress.”

I stared down at the envelope and didn’t take it. “I can’t take your money.”

“It’s not my money. It’s a business expense. Take it. That’s an order.”

I took the envelope and, gauche or not, immediately unsealed it to see how much was in it. My eyes widened when I counted the number of hundred-dollar bills. “I can’t take this much. Any dress I buy won’t cost nearly this much.”

“It should. It needs to be expensive, so don’t go to some discount store. I’m serious. If you show me a cheap knockoff, I’ll tell you to go back and buy something better.”

“But still—”

“Still nothing. Buy the dress. If there’s any extra, then keep it as a bonus. Give your family a treat since you’ve been working so hard.” When I started to object again, she gave me a steely gaze. “Seriously, Ali. I’m the boss here. You’ve done a great job with this gala, and I want you to know I appreciate you. Buy yourself a really nice dress and use the extra however you want.”

I swallowed, strangely touched. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

I stared down at the money and wondered what store I should start in. Then wondered—sadly and rather stupidly—what Sebastian would think when he saw me in my new dress.

***

When I got home that evening, I knew something was wrong.

Something always felt wrong at home—it had for the past several years—but something felt more wrong than normal.

The television was blaring as always, when I stepped into the kitchen entrance. The kitchen was a mess, with dirty dishes piled up from the day in the sink and on the counter and—for some reason—cereal spilled on the floor. I was used to the kitchen being a mess though.

Something else felt wrong.

I put down my bag and keys and instinctively grabbed the dustpan to brush up the spilled cereal so it wouldn’t get stepped on and turned into dust any more than it already had. When I threw the crumbs away, I went out to the living room, expecting to see my dad.

Instead, I saw Tyler and my dad. They were watching a game on the television, and both of them had bottles of beer in their hands. There were several empty bottles already on the coffee table. There were chips littering the carpet, and the room smelled like body odor, and it suddenly hit me as absolutely repellant.

Tyler was eighteen, by the way, and a senior in high school, if I haven’t mentioned it before. He was a good-looking boy who was good at sports and always made friends easily. I wasn’t sure when he’d turned into my dad.

I stood there and stared at them, almost dizzy with the feeling of disgust and helplessness. This was my family. Turned into this. And my only attempt to right the wrong had ended up a brutal failure.

Now I had to clean up this room and clean up the kitchen and fix something for dinner for all of us and go check on Rosie, who was probably hiding in her room.

And I couldn’t stand it. I just couldn’t stand it.

“Hey, girl,” my dad said. “Can you grab me another beer?”

“Me too,” Tyler said.

I suddenly heard Sebastian’s voice in my head, coming out of nowhere. I wasn’t a servant. They weren’t just my duty and my responsibility. They were my family. This was supposed to be a relationship.

It wasn’t, and it was partly my fault.

I simply snapped.

Instead of replying, I strode to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, grabbed the remaining bottles, popped them open, and poured them out in the sink.

My dad had an indirect view of the kitchen from his seat, and when he saw what I was doing, he burst out, “What the hell?”

I came to the doorway and glared at both of them. “This is over. I’m not working my ass off so the two of you can sit around like selfish slugs. I can’t stop you if you want to throw your lives away, but I’m sure as hell not going to pay for it anymore. If you want to get it together, I’ll be happy to help you out.” I looked at my dad. “But you’ll have to go to AA or something and really start to look for a job.” Then I looked at Tyler. “And you’ll have to start working at school and do some things to help around the house. I’m not your servant. I’m part of this family. And you both have responsibilities to me because of it—something neither of you have bothered to acknowledge.”

They were both staring at me in astonishment. I was speaking so loudly that Rosie must have heard from her room, because her door opened and she stood in the doorway, listening.

I glanced over at her, and my heart almost broke at her expression. It was like she’d been waiting for me to do this.

It encouraged me enough to continue. “I’m sorry you were treated unfairly,” I told my dad. “I know how much it hurt you, and I know how little it was deserved. But now you’re treating us unfairly—particularly Rosie, who needs you more than any of us. So if you both don’t get it together, then I’m just done. I’ll work for me and for Rosie, but not for both of you to just trash all my love and hard work.”

I went over and grabbed the half-eaten bag of chips and the remote. I clicked off the television. “These are my chips. And that was my beer. And this is my TV. I paid for all of them. And you’re not getting any of them unless you get off the fucking couch.”

I stomped with the remote and the chips back into the kitchen, and I started washing the dishes, mostly because I couldn’t stand the evidence of how I’d let things get so far out of control.

Tyler and my dad were still sitting in the living room, evidently dumbfounded by my outburst. I didn’t know whether they believed I was serious or if they would put up a fight. Right now, evidently, they were too surprised to do anything.

Rosie came into the kitchen and started to help by drying the dishes I washed. She didn’t say anything immediately, but I could see from her expression that she had something to say. I didn’t push her. Just waited until she said it.

Finally when we were almost through with the dishes, she said, “That was awesome.”

I almost laughed, feeling genuinely pleased with myself for the first time in a long time. “Let’s go shopping tomorrow. I got a bonus from my boss to buy me a dress for the gala, and I’ll have enough extra for a dress for your dance too. Sound good?”

Her face broke into a smile, transforming it completely. “Sounds great.”

***

The next day Rosie and I were trying on dresses at an upscale department store in a nearby mall. Despite Cheryl’s insistence, I was focusing on the designer dresses that were discounted at least a little since I couldn’t see myself spending a thousand dollars on one dress.

We found Rosie’s dress almost immediately—a little blue number with thick straps and a kick in the skirt—but it took longer to find mine.

I kept wanting to buy black or navy-blue dresses, but Rosie kept foisting red and bright pink ones on me.

Finally she dug up a deep purple strapless evening gown with a ruched bodice and a soft full skirt that wasn’t too over the top. It had gorgeous beading at the waist. It was discounted only 10 percent, so it still seemed inordinately extravagant. But I could pay for both this one and Rosie’s dress with the money Cheryl had given me, so I couldn’t make the excuse of it being too expensive.

“You look gorgeous!” Rosie gushed as I came out of the stall to do some circles in front of the three-sided mirror. “That’s definitely the one.”

“I like it too,” I admitted, almost shocked by how pretty I looked and how the dress made me look like I had a fantastic figure. “It is pretty expensive though.”

“It’s not too expensive. It’s worth the money. You have to buy it.”

“I guess I will.” There was no way I wasn’t going to buy it. It seemed to be made for me, and I didn’t even want to take it off. “And I guess I’ll be able to use it at other formal events, so it’s not like it’s just for the one gala.”

“That’s right. It’s a really practical purchase.” Her eyes gleamed mischievously at me.

I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Your guy is going to be totally knocked out by it,” Rosie said in a slightly different tone.

“What?” I froze when the words registered.

“Your guy.”

“What guy?”

“I don’t know what guy, but I’m not stupid, you know. I know you’ve been seeing someone.”

I didn’t want to lie to her, so I just said, “I was. But we broke up.”

“Is that why you’ve been so down?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened?”

I shook my head, not even sure I could explain it. How could I explain that he was just seeing me to “get laid”?

I said, “I don’t even know.”

“You know something.”

“Maybe I was expecting it to be serious too soon. But it felt serious, you know.” I’d been thinking about it a lot, so the answer seemed right to me. “But I think I expected too much too soon. I shouldn’t have had such hopes and... and dreams.”

“Maybe you should have given him more time. Guys seem to run if you try to trap them too soon. Maybe it was just too soon.”

She sounded wise beyond her years.

“Yeah. I know. But it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t like he was trapped. It was like I just wasn’t important enough to him.”

“Oh.” Her expression changed. “Then I guess there’s nothing to do about that. Nothing’s worse than a guy who is only thinking about himself—what he wants—and doesn’t think anything about what you want and need.”

For some reason the words struck me strangely. I stared at Rosie for a minute.

“What’s wrong?” she asked. “Did I say something stupid?”

“No. No. You’re right.” I felt rattled, so I moved back toward the changing stall. “I’m going to change back to my clothes real quick.”

As I took off the beautiful dress and put back on my jeans and top, I kept thinking about what Rosie had said.

She was right. Nothing was worse than when someone you were supposed to be in a relationship with thought only about himself and just used you to meet his needs. I knew this from experience—with my dad and Tyler.

And I realized then that I was just as guilty of this as they were. I was every bit as guilty.

I’d done the same thing to Sebastian.

***

After dinner that evening, I drove out to Sebastian’s hotel. I didn’t know if he’d be there or not, but I was too nervous to call first.

I didn’t know if he’d want to talk to me at all, but I needed to say something to him.

I saw his SUV in the parking lot, so I pulled my car in beside it and then made my way to his door.

I stood in the hallway in front of it for a full minute, trying to catch my breath, trying to keep my hands from shaking.

I didn’t exactly succeed.

I was so nervous that I almost just ran back to the elevator, but I made myself knock on the door to keep from retreating.

The door swung open, and Sebastian stood before me. He wore a pair of sweatpants and nothing else. His hair was slightly mussed, and he needed to shave. There were shadows under his eyes, and his green eyes were full of astonishment as he registered my appearance.

“Hi,” I said stupidly.

He didn’t reply immediately, just kept staring at me.

He was so big and strong and rumpled and masculine and confused and dear that I completely lost it.

I burst out, “I wanted to say I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I know now that I wasn’t fair to you. I was expecting you to sacrifice everything for what I wanted to happen, and I wasn’t really thinking about you. About what you need. About what’s important to you. I know your family is important to you, and you can’t just give them up because I want you to. It’s not fair to you. I wasn’t fair to you. And so I really need to apologize.”

If anything, he seemed more frozen than before as he listened to my rambling words.

I took a ragged breath and continued before I lost the courage. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t think I’m really a selfish person. I was just so... so desperate. And it seemed like the way to fix things finally had fallen into my lap. So I just assumed you would help me, without thinking about what it might mean to you. I don’t know why. I’m really sorry about that. No matter how much I was falling in love with you, I shouldn’t have assumed you were there just to please me or fix my life. I know that fixing things can’t be so easy. I’m trying to start. With my family and everything.”

Sebastian still didn’t say anything. Still didn’t do anything but stare. I didn’t know if he was stunned or confused or just cold to me now.

The words kept spilling out. “It’s like you said before—I need to treat my family like a relationship and not like I’m their servant. It’s getting better, I think. My dad went to his first AA meeting today. So I think it can get better. I’m hopeful. I know, to you, we were just having fun. I blew the chance to even have that much. I know it’s over. I’m not asking for anything. I just needed you to know that I’m sorry. For everything.”

I took one more breath and concluded. “So that’s all I came here to say. I’m really sorry. Despite how I acted, I do care about you. And I hope you work things out with your family too.”

I saw his brows draw together, and I was suddenly terrified. That I’d said too much. Exposed too much. Made a complete fool of myself.

I was glad I’d apologized, but I felt like I was stripped completely naked and now he was going to reject me.

After all, if you were just “getting laid” with a girl, then you wouldn’t necessarily want to hear her pour out her whole heart.

So rather than wait for his words and possible scorn, I turned on my heel and hurried down the hall.