A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.
John Lennon
The next morning I open the door to Maxi and stroke his silky head, fondling his large soft ears that are as big as a Chihuahua’s back. Then I hand him one of the dog treats I keep specially for him. It seemed easier to give into the inevitable – I have an alarm clock dog who knocks on my door each morning. Odd how quickly that came to seem perfectly normal.
Unusually I’m not in my pyjamas with unbrushed hair. My sleep last night was fitful so about five am I decided to get up and get dressed.
I’m not too surprised I couldn’t sleep after yesterday evening. It was partly because of keeping an eye on Treacle and partly because … well I couldn’t stop replaying that kiss over and over. Awake or asleep I felt the touch of Leo’s hands on my body. My skin tingled wherever I remembered his fingers touching. Still tingles. He’s triggered
an ache in me so potent it scares me. I’ve never experienced attraction this strong. It scares me because it makes me feel like I’m in the current of something inevitable.
It’s frightening because I feel out of control and scarily vulnerable.
Peanut is dancing around Maxi, now she’s got over her grumpiness at being dragged out of bed so early. She is not a morning dog.
Barney is still fast asleep on Joanna’s bed so I’ve decided to leave him with her.
I really ought to remember what happened the day of the date/not-a-date debacle. I humiliated myself, thinking Leo was falling for me when really he was just planning all along to ask me to sell him Les Coquelicots. Maybe he is still planning that now? I must remember that I barely know him.
Stepping out into the early morning light I can just about make out Leo standing over by the track that leads to the lake. He is staring over at us. Has he been standing in the shadows staring at me every morning? Or is he just waiting today, wondering if I’d appear after last night. Is he as stirred up as me by the kiss? I sigh. It seems unlikely. After all he was a very good kisser so he must have had lots of practice. How could I expect to make an impression on him?
Aargh. Why did I think that kissing Leo would solve all the angst between us? All it has done is increase it by tenfold.
I grab the dogs leads, popping the chihuahuas on a double lead and putting Pickwick on his own. There is a stillness in the air, in the deep quiet of dawn that feels almost magical. I try to ignore all of the post-kiss awkwardness as I head towards Leo.
Okay so I don’t know him very well, but I can get to know him, right? My pulse quickens when I reach him. At first his face is so serious I wonder if he’s annoyed that I’ve gatecrashed his peaceful morning walk. But then he did issue an open invitation for me to join him when I felt like it so…
Then Leo’s lips quirk into a smile and a slow sigh escapes my lips. I relax a little, I’d been totally unaware that I was holding my breath.
“Hi,” I fold my arms over my body as though I’m cold but then quickly unfold them, aware of just how telling my body language is.
“Hi.” Leo’s smile communicates an awareness, a teasing kind of knowing.
The ache that has been plaguing me all night flares into life as though he has just dropped a lit match onto a pile of kindling. The flare of heat flames between my legs, up into my belly and licks at my nipples which now protrude embarrassingly through my top.
Despite the greeting Leo doesn’t move towards me. Does he regret last night? I was very emotional. Maybe his physical response was just a reaction to that. He was comforting me.
Yeah, right!
My body, still basking in the afterglow objects, that was no pity kiss. I swear there was a lot more to it than that.
Oh God this angst is worse than ever. Fine, if he won’t talk I’m taking the initiative.
“Are you going down to the lake?”
Leo nods. “Would you like to join us on our walk?”
His tone is light, but it doesn’t quite hit the casual note he is seemingly striving for. The uncharacteristic tell of nerves reassures me that Leo is human after all.
The tension between us practically hums, a taut, tangible thing. I’m squirming, longing for his touch. My head on the other hand is thinking of the consequences, a possible betrayal, of making a fool of myself and of what might happen if it ends badly. Leo is going to be my neighbour for the foreseeable future, I don’t want to have to hide from him and duck down below the kitchen window on a daily basis.
“Yes, that would be nice,” I reply, not quite meeting his gaze but feeling the shift in tension as it creeps up a note.
We are pretending that this is a casual thing, but it so isn’t. I’m suddenly tired of having to be so careful. I wish I could just be open and tell him how I’m feeling. But that isn’t how it’s done, is it? There are social rules, etiquette and all that crap. I have to protect myself from being hurt. I would’ve thought that the kind of kiss we exchanged would have made things crystal clear between us but if anything I feel more confused than ever and achingly vulnerable.
It’s not just our conversation that’s stiff this morning. My joints are complaining, like they always do first thing until I get moving properly. I was too tired from lack of sleep to do my usual morning yoga practice. The spikes of pain tell me that today is going to be a punishing day.
Leo is a good distraction though. The little dogs all scamper along after Maxi, looking like tiny rabbits next to his big bulk. When we reach the old railway line footpath leading to the lake I decide to let them off the lead as there’s nobody around yet.
“Treacle seems okay this morning.” Leo turns towards me but there is still distance between us. He feels too far away for my body’s liking.
“Yes, he’s fine,” I suppose I feel more comfortable talking about Treacle. “What do we need to do next?”
“I will order in some of the medication I would like to try him on. It increases the blood flow to the brain and it is a gentler medication than some of the other epilepsy remedies. We’ll have to see how he gets on with it. You’ll need to keep a record card of any other seizures, duration of time, that kind of thing.”
“Okay. And Leo, thank you so much for last night. For helping Treacle I mean,” I mumble, worried he might think I’m thanking him for the kiss but then realise that by qualifying it, it now sounds even worse. I stare down at my feet.
“And how are you?”
Leo’s question startles me. It feels loaded. Does he mean “how are you” as in “are you planning on having a full on nervous breakdown this morning?”
“Okay.” I keep my gaze fixed on the Chihuahuas, glad to have a reason not to meet Leo’s appraising look.
I’ve always thought that “okay” is such a stupid catch all response. Okay can mean anything from “I am having a good day, thank you” to “I’m feeling bloody suicidal” but still keeping up the polite small talk all the same because most people don’t really want to know the answer.
In this case it means I am confused, stressed, aroused and afraid and I don’t know what to do about any of the above.
Leo’s hand on my arm stops me in my tracks. Reluctantly I turn to meet his searching look.
“You’re not okay are you? I can see you’re in discomfort from the way that you’re moving.”
I shrug my reply, reluctant to talk about it. I’ve always thought that the more you focus on pain the worse it gets. Distraction is definitely my coping method of choice.
“Well I’m often not great in the morning,” I admit. “My joints can be all locked up when I wake but once I get moving I’m okay, usually. Providing I get to sit in the sunshine. I’m definitely better here in the sun than I was back home in London.”
I press on, reluctant to lose sight of Chihuahuas. I don’t add that I’m also better if I make the effort to do yoga practice twice a day because I’ve got the feeling that Leo is someone who would hold me to account about whether I’m doing it or not.
When we reach the lake Maxi ploughs into the water while the Chihuahuas woof at him from the sidelines and then paddle cautiously at the edge. Pickwick finds an exposed tree root about 2 metres long and sets about trying to pull it out of the ground.
“He’s a bit ambitious isn’t he? Leo asks.
“It’s a little dog syndrome.” I shake my head at Pickwick. “That’s him occupied for the rest of the morning then.” I snap a quick photo so I can paint it into my journal later.
Leo deftly picks up Peanut who is about to take a flying leap from a rock.
“I see what you mean.”
“They think they’re invincible. It’s quite scary.” I watch the way Peanut is snuggling into Leo’s chest. Lucky dog.
“Scary?” Leo looks directly at me, fixing his penetrating stare on me.
A jolt shoots through me, a mixture of longing and desire so potent I feel like I’ve been physically struck. My mind goes blank. What were we talking about?
“Hmm, sorry?” I stare back at Leo and at the Peanut who has a smug look on her face that says, “I have conquered yet another human being.”
“You said it was scary,” Leo prompts me.
I feel odd, hot and bothered despite the chill of the morning. I’m still suffused with desire from last night but Leo…
I don’t understand it, he hasn’t even touched me nor shown any signs he wants to. In fact he’s been keeping his distance. Maybe he is having regrets in the cold light of a new day. Yet in spite of that fear I am weak with wanting him.
I sit down on a rock facing out towards the lake. The soft, amber light of dawn slants between mountain peaks through leafy boughs to dance on surface of the water.
I try to breathe deeply. Try not to want him. I don’t want to want anybody this much. It’s scarily vulnerable. I barely know Leo. Anyway he’s probably just cosying up to me to try get his house back.
And. And. And…
Focus Poppy. I breathe in the fresh mountain air and force my racing mind to still. The dogs, we were talking about the dogs.
“It’s scary because they seem to have no concept of fear. So I have to be afraid for them. And now I know that Treacle is epileptic I’ll be always worrying about him. I can’t watch him all the time.” I bite my lip and I feel the pressure of unshed tears in my eyes as some of the panic from last night creeps back into my mind.
Leo hands Peanut back and I hold her close, kissing her on the top of her head. Then I catch it. Leo’s scent on Peanut. I can’t help inhaling. Oh God, another bolt of longing is fired through me, merciless in its intensity. I’m glad I’m sitting down.
I am an independent adult woman. I don’t need a man and I don’t need Leo. I fight the aftershock uselessly, too swept up by its power as my body groans its violent disagreement. I try to control my thoughts but then Leo sits on the rock next to me and thinking takes a back seat to feeling.
He stretches one arm out behind me and with the other strokes lightly up and down my thigh. Even through the denim of my jeans I shiver at his touch.
I feel both utterly powerless and supremely powerful at the same time, riding the wave of desiring and being desired. By the time Leo turns his head and his mouth has found mine I’m caught in the strong current tugging me relentlessly out to sea.
His lips move from my mouth to my jawline to my neck. Then he moves down to my earlobe where he nibbles again, sending a sharp current of desire through me. He obviously remembers the effect that had on me last night. His tongue probes and teases me and I find it amazingly erotic. I can’t remember kissing ever being this good. I feel like I could go on kissing Leo forever. Hunger swells within me as we taste and touch each other. I lick Leo’s lower lip, feeling the rough edge of stubble beneath. I feel an urge to bite it and wonder where these desires are coming from. I’ve never felt like this with anyone before. I’ve never felt so sexually ravenous and so turned on.
I don’t even try to fight the current anymore, I float and let it take me where it’s leading me, relentlessly, mercilessly … . Out of my depth.
I’m lost.
He doesn’t try to touch me, although his hand is flat against the small of my back, another surprising erogenous zone I didn’t know I possessed, holding me still and stopping me from spinning. With his other hand he continues to stroke up and down, up and down in a teasing promise of something more to come. Soon I hope.
My breath is coming in short, sharp, gasps and it’s reassuring to hear that Leo’s breathing is ragged too.
His hand travels up my back to stroke my hair. When he wraps tendrils of hair around his finger I think it’s never been so nice to be touched. Then he tugs my hair lightly, not so that it hurts but enough to feel the tension, to feel his control and mastery. An image flashes into my mind of him winding my hair around his hand and then tugging it back as I straddle him naked and he thrusts up into me. The fantasy is so vivid it makes me gasp aloud but then Leo covers my mouth with his lips and I groan into his kiss.
He might as well be touching me between my legs for the corresponding sensations of pleasure building there. I can feel desire pulsing, hungry for him.
I’m amazed to discover this side of myself – a sensuality I didn’t know I possessed. A sense that I am soft and yielding, laying myself open to Leo’s raw and potent sexuality. Thinking and talking be damned. Right now I don’t care about consequences or motivations.
Right now I want to be dominated by Leo in the most basic way possible. I want him to possess me and make me his. This … thing between us is an experience I thought I’d never have. I settled for Pete thinking that these kinds of feelings were the creation of books and films.
Or if they weren’t then maybe I just wasn’t that into sex.
Boy, was I ever wrong.
Fantastic as this is it is also terrifying. I had no idea how vulnerable it would leave me feeling. The sensations maybe overwhelming in a wonderful way but they also leave me feeling utterly naked, body and soul.
I am completely at Leo’s mercy. I might try to kid myself that isn’t the case, but it is. If I wanted further proof then I’ve got it. Pete didn’t break my heart because he never had it in the first place to break.
But Leo … At some primitive subconscious level I have decided to trust him. The decision bypassed my brain and my conscious thought certainly didn’t get to say or a vote in the matter.
Leo’s kisses feel like a promise, a statement of intent. Either that or he’s messing with me and I’ve completely lost my sanity.
I pull back and try to remember who I am again. Then I remember that I have the dogs with me. God, how could they have slipped my mind? I usually watch them constantly. Frantically I search the shoreline and by the time I’ve counted three little heads I am satisfied they are all safe and that my shameless kissing hasn’t endangered any of them.
“They’re fine, and so is Maxi. Shall we get going then? I’ve got a few admissions this morning for surgery.” Leo stands up casually, as if we haven’t just been engaged in one of the most passionate kisses I’ve ever experienced.
I always used to see kissing as a precursor to the main event. But with Leo I think I could kiss him all day and never get tired of it.
I can’t help worrying maybe it wasn’t such a big deal for him as for me. Assailed by doubt I get to my feet and put a lead on to Pickwick who looks like he’s set to stay for the duration or until he uproots the tree.
As we walk back I try to ignore the doubts nagging at me like a wasp buzzing at the back of my mind. As the quiet of dawn stirs into the beginnings of daily life it feels like the breaking of a spell. The certainties I felt while we were kissing dissolve and I can’t help thinking about the what ifs. What if Leo is manipulating me with practiced ease? What if I am the only one feeling something here?
I can’t glean anything from Leo’s expression because it is as inscrutable as always. As the day wakes up around us I could almost imagine that what passed between us last night and this morning was just a dream.
A highly erotic but a lovely dream nonetheless.
How could I have ever thought kissing Leo would make things better or clarify anything? Instead I’m still antsy. Antsier than ever.
Like a whole nest full of ants have made my body their home and are throwing one hell of a party.
I am not really paying attention to what we’re talking about. The rhythm of my feet on the path seem to be repeating the question – do you like me? Do you like me? Do you like me? It seems a bit crazy to be thinking like this considering what we have just been doing. This could mean nothing to him, yet I’m not brave enough to meet Leo head on this morning. Not like when I challenged him the day we went to Montsegur.
Are you playing me? The cynical question pounds at my temples like the beginnings of a stress headache.
I am so distracted I don’t even notice Peanut diving into a hedge. Thankfully Leo is paying more attention and he deftly scoops her out, handing her back to me.
“Thanks.” I clip the Chihuahuas back onto their leads.
The world is slowly, subtly coming to life around us with the chirping of the bird life, the odd rustle in a hedgerow or the distant sound of a car engine.
“What’s up?” Leo asks, frowning.
“Nothing.” I shrug, mentally giving myself points for using both “okay” and “nothing” in one conversation. For some reason I feel like needling Leo.
His frown lines deepen. “Really?”
I am well aware that “nothing” is not an answer and is in fact an extremely irritating, response but I can’t help myself.
The silence between us becomes awkward.
“I was just thinking,” I say, A mediocre attempt at being conciliatory.
“What about?” Leo asks with surprising patience.
Do you like me? Do you want me? Will I come to mean anything to you? The words dance through my mind but never make it to my lips.
Kissing has made the sexual tension between us feel a thousand times worse. Maybe I should just ask him to fuck me already and get it over and done with.
Hmm. On reflection that doesn’t sound particularly flattering. Maybe not.
“Oh, this and that.” I shrug. My back is hurting more on the way home after I mis-stepped on a loose stone in the path.
“Have you got a swimming costume with you?” Leo’s non sequitur takes me by surprise.
I frown, glancing back at the lake. “Yes, but I’m not sure it’s warm enough to swim yet.”
“Not in the lake don’t worry. Can you be ready at 6 o’clock this evening?”
I nod, still dubious. “I suppose.”
“Good.” Leo quickens his pace and strolls off, his pace outstripping mine. “I’ll see you later then, I need to get going.”
Okay then.
I shake my head, confused, irritated and a little upset that there was no kiss goodbye. This is all so angst-making and basically unsatisfactory.
Dating is so much easier if you’re not actually in love, or in lust, or any combination of the two … If you don’t care then you can’t get hurt.
But neither do you get kissed in a way that leaves you breathless and trembling.
“Oh fuckity fuck.” I pinch the top of my nose where my brows meet, trying to fight off a stress headache.
Yoga, breakfast and work is what I need to focus on today, not incomprehensible vets with hidden agendas.
Even if they do kiss like I always dreamed kissing would be.
Even then.