‘You didn’t!’ Jen screeched down the phone. ‘That must’ve been totally amazing!’
I’d finally caught her and told her all about the previous week, being able to spend time in Vincent’s studio and read his notebooks, tinker at his perfume organ and soak up his greatness. With hand to chest at the memory I said, ‘I did! And it was. A real highlight. I can’t explain how connected to him I felt in there.’
‘Del, it all sounds so incredible. You must never want to come home.’ She was right, part of me wanted to stay on this magic carpet ride forever. I knew I’d learn every day, and keep growing as a perfumer.
‘Aw, I don’t know,’ I said. ‘It’s one of those things, like an enchanted interlude in real life and soon enough it will be over and then the real work starts. Being here has opened my eyes, made me realize that home isn’t so bad. It’ll always be the place I go to when I need comfort, but to follow my dreams I’m going to have to be brave and believe in myself.’
‘You can do anything you set your mind to, Del. You think you’re like Mom and Dad because you’re a dreamer, a creative, but you’re not. You’ve got huge ambition and with your work ethic, whatever you want will be yours. It might not happen overnight, but you will get there in the end. I just know it.’
‘I do wonder…’ My voice petered off. ‘You’ll stay on in Whispering Lakes?’ Part of me secretly hoped that first flush of love might’ve waned and she’d join me. It was a selfish thought, but I still missed her so.
She didn’t respond and my heart banged against my ribs. It dawned on me, blindingly, like I was staring at the sun. It had never been her dream. She had only humored me because she loved me and wanted me to succeed. I held my breath and waited for her to confirm it.
‘Del, I love you and would do anything for you, you know that right?’
I closed my eyes bracing for it. ‘Yes.’
‘I was happy, more than happy to go along with you and help build that great big empire you always envisioned. Maybe because I just wanted to be where you are, maybe because I love you more than I love myself. But then things changed, and I suddenly realized I couldn’t tag along and pretend it’s what I wanted too.’
‘But I thought…’
‘It’s not because of James, if that’s what you’re thinking. Well, it is and it isn’t. Being with James opened my eyes to it. The fact that I was only ever going because of my love for you, not my love for perfumery, I can’t even smell the damn fragrances!’ She let out a hollow laugh, and a stray tear rolled down my cheek. How could I have been so blind to my sister’s own wants and needs?
‘James has proposed.’ Her voice was brisk. ‘And I accepted. I wasn’t going to tell you until after, I didn’t want to distract you while you were competing.’
I gasped. ‘You’re engaged?’ So much for knowing each other inside out. Her whole life had shifted and I’d been none the wiser. Didn’t we share everything? Every secret, every promise? Every joy every sorrow.
‘Yes.’ This time her voice was colored with joy. ‘He popped the question not long after you got to Paris. And I gave it a lot of thought. Made him wait a week for an answer, poor boy! But I was worried about letting you down, and if I’d made the right choice. After much soul searching, it was suddenly crystal clear to me that I was planning for the life you want, not the one I want. I hope you understand.’
It was hard to catch my breath. I was winded by her confession and felt guilty I hadn’t seen that I was manipulating her life even if I wasn’t doing so with any malicious intent. Flashing through my mind were all our conversations about men, boyfriends, relationships and I kept landing on the messages she always sent, jokes about marriage and babies, and I realized they weren’t jokes as such but maybe something she genuinely yearned for, but I had been too stuck on my own direction to notice. It made me feel a bit of a farce as a twin sister to only see that now.
‘Are you OK?’ she said softly.
Choked up, I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me. I wanted to reassure her, but I was still hurting, still processing it. This completely shattering news. ‘It’s just a huge surprise, Jen. The engagement, everything.’
‘I know, that’s why I’ve held off telling you. The timing isn’t great, and I’m sorry for that. But I sort of figured we had to grow on our own, you know? We can’t be joined at the hip forever, as much as we want to. Without Nan you struggled to make perfume, and yet, by leaping into the unknown, taking the risk and leaving me and heading all the way to Paris, you fixed that broken part, Del. Don’t you see? We both needed this.’
Gosh, she was right. And I hadn’t seen it at all. ‘Yes,’ I said, as tears stung my eyes. ‘I guess I hadn’t thought of it like that. As scary as it was to leave you, we had to do it, for our own sake.’
I loved her and I wanted her to have the life she deserved, the life of her choosing.
‘You can still go to New York, I’ll still support you from afar. I can do your accounts and help out online as much as possible.’
I appreciated the offer, but she had to do what made her heart sing, not mine. ‘Don’t worry about NYC,’ I said. ‘And anyway, we’ve got a wedding to plan!’ Marriage seemed so adult, so grown up, when I was still finding my way in the world. As twins we’d hit every milestone together, and this just felt so foreign, so strange, but also like maybe things were panning out for us in this new, indistinct way.
‘We do! And who knows, maybe you’ll fall in love and we can have a double wedding?’ The jokes were back. My Jen lived in a parallel universe. One where we all fell in love as quickly as the click of fingers, got married and had adorable well-behaved babies, and set up perfume empires practically while we slept.
An hour later we rang off, after much talk about bridesmaids’ dresses, flowers, wedding vows and everything in between. It was almost a relief to finally hear her say it. I could move on and know she was following her heart and I was following mine. God, I missed her. But she’d seen what I needed all along, and pushed me to do it for my sake as well as hers. The true love of a twin sister.
***
It was elimination time, but I was still dazed from speaking to Jen. I walked to the Leclére apartment and took my place in the sitting room.
Lex must’ve noticed my expression because he frowned and came straight over to me. ‘America, what is it? Are you worried you’re going home?’
‘No, it’s not that,’ I said. ‘It’s my sister, she’s engaged.’
‘And that’s a bad thing?’
I gave him a wobbly smile. ‘No, not at all! It’s just I feel so guilty about things, I was always pushing her to follow my dreams and it hadn’t really occurred to me that they weren’t hers… I guess it’s just a shock. She’s getting married!’
‘Ah, the twin thing,’ he said. ‘I bet she’ll visit you in NYC every chance she gets.’
I was embarrassingly close to tears, happy tears, as well as a few bittersweet ones for good measure, but I was grateful to have Lex to talk to. He always made things that much clearer the wise man he was.
‘But without her NYC won’t be the same. What I think is, I painted myself this future, based on bloody Sex and the City or something and I was Carrie and she was Charlotte, or maybe I was Charlotte and she was Carrie, but the point is, we’d have this great modern fabulous life brimming with possibility and cocktails. I’d be able to saunter in heels not shuffle and it’d be a roaring success, and my perfumery would start small and grow into this empire, and I’d move from a grimy bedsit to a loft in Tribeca, and those songs, those songs you hear about New York would be about us, and we’d have made it. Against all odds, the girls from Whispering Lakes would have made it big… But that was just fantasy, right?’
Lex took me in his arms as I sobbed for what would now never be. I felt ridiculous as though I’d envisioned a life based on a TV sitcom. How silly could I be? I wasn’t ready to open up a perfumery boutique. I wasn’t even ready for New York! I could barely find my way up and down the Champs-Élysées without getting lost. So much for my five-year plan.
‘You know it’s OK to alter course. You set your sails but the sometimes the wind changes.’
I sniffed and tried to compose myself, aware the room was filling with others who would think my crying was about the competition. I kept my face buried in the fleece of Lex’s sweater, not wanting to face them with a tearstained face but knew I’d have to eventually. I was an ugly crier from way back. It took about three seconds for my eyes to puff up and turn an unflattering shade of bloodshot.
Pulling myself upright again, I threw Lex a grateful look while surreptitiously patting my face dry. ‘Thanks, Lex. I just can’t help feel a little sad things aren’t the way I imagined, but I am happy, I do feel like this is all part of the journey I’m supposed to take.’
‘Don’t be so hard on yourself, Del. Life is all about swings and roundabouts, and sometimes you just gotta go where the momentum takes you.’
‘Yeah, that’s it. Time to make a new plan. And I need to grow up a bit. Stand on my own two feet.’
He rubbed the tops of my cable knit covered arms. ‘Don’t go growing up too much. That leads to madness.’
I laughed, wishing I had a tissue. ‘True. All the best people are a little zany, right?’
‘Right.’
Sebastien entered the room with Aurelie.
Taking a few steadying breaths, I sent up a prayer that I wasn’t eliminated, I needed to stay even more now.
‘Welcome.’
We quietened down and all eyes were on Sebastien. He flicked his gaze around the room before settling on me, a frown marring his features. I shook my head, almost imperceptibly as something passed between us. His concern was evident, and it made me feel a little lighter. I tried to convey by look alone that I was OK without making it obvious for the likes of Clementine.
Aurelie spoke in her cool clear voice. ‘We hope that you enjoyed your foray into other parts of France. We chose locations that were special to Leclére for various reasons and gave you challenges to suit. Once again, we were impressed with the high quality, the risks taken to produce such astonishing, evocative perfumes. It’s not easy to do so under so much pressure and in a new environment so we want to acknowledge that.’
Anxiety filled the air as the contestants’ worry got the better of them, including me.
‘I’ll get right to it. This week Lex took first place with a sultry Bordeaux inspired perfume, rich and bold and very special indeed.’
Clementine whooped and clapped, throwing herself on Lex who let out a grunt.
‘Next we have Del.’ Thank you perfume gods! ‘Her lavender perfume took the humble purple flower to new heights. It was bold and contemporary and one of their favorites this week.’
‘So, that leaves us with Clem, Lila and Anastacia. Again it was a close decision. All perfumes were pleasing and fit the brief, but of these three, the one that really wowed us was Lila’s ode to the French Riviera, a complex aquatic perfume that perfectly conjured a South of France lifestyle. Clementine, you just managed to hang on, so I’m sorry to say that means it’s time to go, Anastacia…’
The room sat in shocked silence.
‘Au revoir!’ Clem crowed.
‘Clem…’ I said in a warning tone. There was no point in rubbing it in. Why gloat?
‘What?’ she asked faux innocently. ‘Isn’t it true she tried to sabotage you, Del?’
That was many moons ago in the scheme of things and what was the point of bringing it up now?
‘Leave it be, Clem.’
‘What? I’m just saying we shouldn’t shed a tear for someone who would break the rules to get ahead… That kind of behavior is crazy, non?’ She leaned close and whispered in my ear, ‘And you, Del, you’ve broken the rules too, oui?’
Sebastien noted the tension in the room and clapped his hands for attention. ‘Please say your goodbyes, and take the rest of the day for yourselves.’
All I wanted to do was get the heck out of that room and away from Clementine who was really showing her true colors and they were black and angry with bitterness. She wasn’t the person I thought she was at all…