I THINK TRUCKEE must be one of the places you go when you’ve thrown in the towel on doing anything extraordinary in your life, and you figure, “Fuck it, I may as well do some skiing before I end it.”
My uncle Tim and auntie Karen were the least extraordinary people I knew. Uncle Tim installed water systems in people’s homes, like a Culligan Man without the brand recognition, and Auntie Karen bought shit at garage sales and sold it on eBay. They’d lived in the same cabin for twelve years, and spent their entire marriage bragging about some meaningless renovation.
Living less-than-impressive lives was a disease that ran uncontrollably in my family. My mother had figured that out, and left us when I was nine. My dad, also an Arthur Louis Pullman, sold life insurance. He didn’t make an impressive living, but we existed comfortably in grossly expensive Palo Alto, California, off the royalties owed to the only exceptional member of the family: my grandfather, the late, great author Arthur Louis Pullman the First. We moved into his house after my grandmother died, when I was five, and we’d been there since, even after he died five years ago. It was weird. People knew that it was weird. My dad and I didn’t belong in a house like that. We didn’t belong in Palo Alto. I was the poor kid at Palo Alto High.
But it was a nice house, and the cabin was a nice cabin, so everyone in my family got to play pretend-rich because my grandfather had done extraordinary things in his life. Even though we didn’t talk about him anymore. Even though his torch was being carried by a life insurance salesman and a B-team Culligan Man.
“Arthur Louis Pullman the Third, as I live and breathe!” Uncle Tim shouted, just as he had every time I had walked into a room for eighteen years, grabbing my biceps and shaking me. He was much shorter than me, wearing a polo and khaki shorts, exactly what you’d expect from a water installation specialist. His mustache made him look like a white, middle-class Mario.
“Look at this guy. You feel stronger. There’s muscle mass there. You been working out or what?”
“No, um, not really.”
“Oh. Well, eating healthy?”
“Not really.”
“Huh. Well, you’re newly single. You masturbating a lot?”
The phrase newly single burned in my chest but I pretended I didn’t feel it. “I guess, yeah.”
“There it is!” my dad shouted, Karen slipping a drink into his hand.
“You know,” Tim added, “people really underestimate how much that helps build arm and wrist strength.” He raised my left hand and squeezed the cast lightly. “Look at this. That hurt?”
“No.”
“Good. That means it’s healing. Just don’t try anything here,” he said, slapping the wall with one hand and grabbing his drink with the other. “These things are reinforced plaster.” He laughed at himself. “C’mon, Arthurs. Let me show you the deck.”
The view of Donner Lake from their house was one of the only redeemable parts of Truckee. The lake sat in the middle of a valley, surrounded by mountains that were covered by pine trees, all the way up to the timberline, where snow and clouds took over. The pine trees were formed into rows, nature’s perfect geometry, creating layered patterns of evergreen around the crystal-blue lake. It was the kind of place where you could take photos for postcards or preloaded computer screen savers.
“Took us eleven years to build this thing,” Uncle Tim said, proudly smacking the wooden railing of the deck.
“I heard.”
“Said you can’t build a deck on a solid rock foundation like this. You know what we learned from that?”
“That they, uh, they were wrong?”
“No. That they were right. Shouldn’t have done it. It was an eleven-year pain in the ass.”
“Oh.”
“Lesson here, Arthur, is that usually when people tell you something’s impossible, it is.”
“It looks—”
“Would you speak up? You talk like a goddamn rabbit.”
I cleared my throat. “It looks nice now.”
“Eleven fucking years, Arty.” He looked back into the house at his wife. “No deck is worth eleven years.”
“Oh.”
I felt a small fire in my chest. I hate when people tell me to speak up, and more than that, I hate the idea that it represents. My friend Mason called it the tyranny of volume—the belief that whoever speaks the loudest should be heard the clearest. It was one of the fundamental things we hated about the United States, and people like my uncle Tim. But I couldn’t talk to Mason about that kind of thing anymore.
He took a sip from his glass. It was a mixed drink, but from the smell of it, I could tell it wasn’t a proportional mix. “How’s that car of yours working out?”
My father rolled his eyes. “He spends all his time out with it.”
“Hey now,” Tim said. “If you’d had a car like that when you were his age, you’d’ve set up a tube for food and shit so you’d never have to leave the thing. What’s it get to sixty in, Arty?”
“Uh, under four.”
“I’ve got a buddy with an Audi who says he can do three point three. What do you make of that?”
“It’s not faster than my Camaro.”
“I don’t know, he says—”
“It’s not.”
He took a step back. The benefit of rabbit voice was that when you spoke up, people noticed. “Right. Anyways . . . how’s the therapy going?”
“Okay, I guess.”
He finished his drink in one gulp and turned to face me, shaking the ice. He wasn’t smiling. “Look, Arthur, I’m your uncle, and I hope I’m not out of place, but I feel like I have to say this. I don’t know if your auntie told you already, but . . . we’re proud of you. We really are, for all the, uh, all the stuff that you’re doing. You took a couple serious whacks, right in the pisser, and you, you made it through without—well, almost without a scratch.”
He nodded toward the cast on my left hand.
My father took over. “You’re at the hardest time for it, too, you know. It’s the kinda shit, gets better as you get older. Bad things happen, people leave you.” He paused. “But you learn to take shit like that on the chin. You get tough. Doesn’t freak you out as much.”
“You find your own ways of coping. Channel it into”—Tim forgot his drink was gone and tried to take another sip, ice spilling onto his face—“productive habits. And you know what? That hand is gonna heal, good as new. You’ll be playing tennis again before you know it, we’ll find you another scholarship, and it’ll all be just like it was. Your future’ll be right back on track.”
I didn’t say anything, instead counting the trees that lined the far end of Donner Lake.
“What? Arty?” My father waved to get my attention. “Why are you—did we miss something here? What’d I say?”
I cleared my throat. “What about Kaitlin?”
“Yeah.” He ran his hand over the railing of the eleven-year deck. “Might have to let that one go. Restraining order is serious business. Same thing with Mason, after you—you know, after court . . . happened. Probably want to give that some space.”
I nodded again.
All of this was the same thing Dr. Sandoval had told me, the same thing anyone tells anyone whose life is fucked up to the point that it’s no longer recognizable. “Everything will get better”—but I’d lived in the world long enough to know it wasn’t true. “The scholarship will come back”—no, it won’t. “UCLA will still accept you”—no, they won’t. “Life will get back on track”—no, it won’t. Not without Kaitlin, it won’t.
But that’s not how they wanted me to act. “Thanks, Dad, Uncle Tim. That, uh, that means a lot to me,” I said, and they smiled at me like you might smile at a dog that was trying to clean up its own shit.
For dinner, my auntie made ham loaf, beans, and mandarin orange Jell-O salad. I knew she’d made it for me, even though I was a vegetarian. It had been my favorite meal when I was seven, and no one had bothered to ask if my food preferences had changed.
“Dear God,” my father prayed to the four of us around the table. “Thank you for all of the gifts you’ve given us. Tonight especially, oh God, we thank you for the gift of life.”
I think he hated praying, and I know he hated going to church, but he did it, probably because my grandfather had always done it, so to stop would require him to question the way things were, and that was something my father didn’t do. He was hopelessly obligated to the status quo.
I didn’t feel obligated to anyone, least of all God.
“No matter how hard it gets, we’re so glad to be alive. And to share that gift with each other.” He shot an eyes-closed glance in my direction. “Thank you for this food, and for our health, and for the law, which protects us, and most of all, for the gift of being alive. Amen.”
We ate in silence. Occasionally, my auntie would volunteer some information about the eBay collection habits of Southern widows, or Tim would tell a riveting water installation story, but my dad looked even less interested than I was. We’d almost made it through the meal before he casually dropped a bomb.
“Tim, I forgot to tell you.” He spoke through a mouthful of Jell-O. “We’ve been talking to Dad’s agent, Mr. Volpe, if you remember him, and—I think we’re going to do a preferred text edition of A World Away.”
The room was silent.
I looked up from my plate. “You’re going to do what?”
“I think it’s time.” My father addressed me like I was an active land mine. “To do an author’s preferred text version. A rerelease, for all the die-hard fans.”
All the adults at the table nodded in unison like bobbleheads, as if it made perfect sense. A World Away was my grandfather’s only novel, and it was a classic. It had won every award a book can win: a Pulitzer Prize, a National Book Award, been a New York Times bestseller, and more. It was mandatory reading for almost every high school junior in America. One time, Tom Hanks said in an interview that it was his favorite book. Tom Fucking Hanks.
“The account is pretty dry, even after this year’s royalties, and . . . and Richard managed to recapture the copyright, so he says we’d get good money for it, in advance. It’d be enough to take care of us for a long time, maybe even life. He says publishers’ll be lining up left and right, especially after all the press and the rumors and everything when Dad . . . left.”
I swallowed my response. That was how we spoke of my grandfather’s disappearance and death now: abstract generalities, whatever would end the conversation the fastest. My dad avoided it, maybe because he felt guilty about not looking for him, or maybe he didn’t care anymore. The confusion had burned in a small corner of my stomach for five years, but not in my dad’s. He seemed content to bury his with my grandfather.
“Does he have any preferred text?” Tim asked, excited for the opportunity to stroke his mustache. “I didn’t think any of us had ever seen him write anything.”
My father was cavalier and careful to avoid my stare. “Ah, I’m sure he’s got some notes or something sitting around.”
“Please,” Karen mumbled. “He didn’t even write his own grocery lists.”
I squeezed my ring under the table. I hated it when they talked about him like this, even though I knew they were probably right. I’d never seen him write anything either, despite how often people outside our family wanted me to tell them that I had. I remembered all of us sitting around the television once, watching a PBS special on my grandfather’s life. They interviewed expert after so-called expert, each one more certain than the last that Arthur Louis Pullman was in the process of finishing his literary masterpiece, while behind me, he was finishing a masterpiece that he called “a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.”
I wanted them to be right. But I knew they weren’t.
“Well, then we’ll make some up,” my father said, shrugging again. “It’s an anniversary edition. People are gonna buy it either way.”
My stomach turned over.
It would make money. My grandfather’s agent was right; Americans had a fetish for gossip and controversy, especially when the stories involved people going crazy, and people dying. The rumors around his death would probably drive the asking price way, way up.
But I also knew my grandfather, and he would be clawing at the top of his casket if he heard they were going to republish an “author’s preferred text” version. It wasn’t the first time it had been discussed, and each time, he’d shot it down. It was about his honor. He didn’t want to pretend an old thing was a new thing just so he could make more money. He didn’t want corporate influences to bastardize his art for profit. And I understood that, even if my dad didn’t.
“He’d hate that,” I said.
My father’s fork stalled midair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were appointed to represent my father’s interests.”
“I just remember last time when you tried to do this, and he called it ‘corporate bullshit.’ He said he’d rather die than republish the same book just so people will buy it again.”
“Well, he is dead now. So.”
“That doesn’t mean you get to just trample all over his grave—”
“For God’s sake, Arthur, would you quit pretending like he actually had some attachment to that book? I lived with him my whole life, and I don’t think he remembered what he wrote it about! Have you even read it?”
I grimaced. “Not all the way, but—”
“Well, let me fill you in. It’s a story of forbidden love, and adventure, and tragedy. And all the Arthur Louis Pullman I knew ever did was watch baseball and read the Bible.”
“Not when he was younger—”
“Yes, when he was younger! Do you know what he did when he was younger? He worked on a railroad, and he drank. Never even left California—he was writing out of his ass!”
“So?”
“So stop acting like there’s some pretend integrity at stake here! We’re his family, we own the copyright now, we’ll do with it what we want. God knows we earned it—”
“Earned it? How did you earn it? It was his book.”
“Living with him! Caring for him! My whole life, I had to sit there and watch him lose his mind, then cater to his insanity! Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to take care of someone that crazy—”
“Arthur.” Auntie Karen was glaring at him, not me.
He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Arty. . . . I love my father. I just . . . I love you guys more. I want to take care of you. Of us. And with the account getting low, and this therapy stuff, your legal fees . . .”
“Yeah, right.” I twisted the ring on my hand. “You didn’t even go look for him when he ran away.”
My dad sighed. “That’s not true, and you know it. We looked everywhere he could possibly have been. Everywhere he’d ever been. We couldn’t predict he’d turn up in Ohio.”
“Except he did.”
“Yes.” I could tell my dad was measuring his temper, trying to give me teaspoons. “Yes, he did.”
“Didn’t you ever wonder why he went there? Or how? Or something?”
He shook his head. “I never tried to figure out what was going on in that man’s head. I never cared to know.”
“He was your father—”
“No. No, not those last years. That man was not my father.”
We went back to eating in silence, my dad and I both staring at our plates in disgust.
“It’ll be good, Arty,” Uncle Tim said, ignoring the tension. “All the new attention on the book . . . might be able to use it to get laid.”
The adults at the table groaned.
“I’m serious! I mean, your mother was an English teacher when she met—”
My father laughed and flung a napkin in his direction, and it was the end of the conversation.