SOLEIL [LAST NAME WITHHELD]
WTFCON
Phoebe: What’s your name?
Soleil: Soleil.
Phoebe: And your last name? It won’t be in the final project; it’s for our records.
Soleil: No last name. Just Soleil.
Phoebe: Like Madonna.
Soleil: Exactly! Or Adele.
Phoebe: Awesome. Wow. Okay, so what convention are you with?
Soleil: WTFcon. That stands for We Treasure Fandom. I’m a fanficcer. I was on a panel the other day and everything!
Phoebe: Aw, I’m super sorry I missed that. Well, since you’re with WTF, you know about the Creativity Corner contest, right?
Soleil: Yes.
Phoebe: Great. So, a couple friends and I are putting together a podcast, inspired by the format of A Thousand Words. Everything you say will be completely anonymous. Interested in answering a question for us?
Soleil: Ooh, sure.
Phoebe: Okay. Can you tell me a secret you’ve never even told your best friend?
Soleil: Hmmm. Well, my best friend is my boyfriend, and we tell each other literally everything.
Phoebe: Literally like literally, or literally like figuratively?
Soleil: Like both. You get me?
Phoebe: Oh girl, I so get you. But, see, we still need something to put in the podcast. So how about a secret you’ve never told your second-best friend?
Soleil: Okay, are you sure this is going to be anonymous? Because this isn’t the kind of thing you can just go around telling people.
Phoebe: Totally anonymous. Promise.
Soleil: You know that web series Wonderlandia?
Phoebe: Yeah, I’ve seen a couple episodes.
Soleil: Well, you know the guy who plays the Five of Spades and the Cheshire Cat? Marty Green?
Phoebe: I don’t think so— Oh, wait! Is that the cute gay one?
Soleil: Ha! No, he’s not gay. He’s pansexual, just like me. That means you like all genders and—
Phoebe: I know what pansexual means.
Soleil: Ooh, look who knows everything. Marty and me, we met at a convention late last year, and we kinda … you know. Hit it off. As in really hit it off. As in we might be secretly dating.
Phoebe: Marty from Wonderlandia is your boyfriend. That’s your secret.
Soleil: Marty from Wonderlandia is my other boyfriend. You can’t tell anybody.
Phoebe: Does boyfriend numero uno know about Marty?
Soleil: Oh, completely! We have a polyamorous relationship. That means—
Phoebe: I know what polyamorous means.
BERNICE JACOBSON
WORLD TAXIDERMY CHAMPIONSHIPS
Vanessa: Tell us a secret you’ve never told your best friend.
Bernice: I’m a taxidermist.
Vanessa: But … no, a secret. Aren’t you here for the taxidermy convention?
Bernice: That’s right. I entered two glorious boars for judging!
Vanessa: The ones who … um … love each other?
Bernice: Yes! Those were mine. Did you see them? This is my very best work.
Vanessa: Yeah, they’re … they’re really nice. But how about a secret?
Bernice: The boars are my secret. My best friend … she has no idea I’m a taxidermist.
Vanessa: Ohhh. Why can’t you tell her about it?
Bernice: I wish I could. But she just wouldn’t understand. She’s … [lowers her voice] She’s a vegetarian.
Vanessa: [whispers] Why are you whispering?
Bernice: [whispers] You can’t say that word here, dear.
WENDI SCHERER
WTFCON
Callie: Can you tell us a secret you’ve never told your best friend?
Wendi: Oh, that’s a really interesting question. Now, how are you planning to—
Guy: Excuse me, aren’t you Wendi Sheeran, the literary agent?
Wendi: It’s Scherer, but yes.
Guy: Okay, so listen, I know you’re not technically supposed to do this, but I have this book—
Wendi: Before you go on: Are you signed up for one of my pitch sessions tomorrow?
Guy: Well. No. See, they were charging extra for those, and I’m not exactly flush right now. But if you signed me up, we could both make millions. Billions! That’s a guarantee.
Callie: Actually, we were in the middle of an interview …?
Guy: Ooh, are you recording this? Amazing. Keep it. It’ll be worth a lot someday. Okay, so here goes. [voice gets much louder as Guy leans too close] My name is Guy Stanwyck the Third. That’s S-T-A-N-W-Y-C-K. And I am the author of the future bestselling Blood, Sweat, and Tears trilogy.
Wendi: The … ’scuse me?
Guy: That’s right. The first one is called Daughter of Blood. The second is—
Callie: Let me guess. Daughter of Sweat?
Wendi: [coughs loudly]
Guy: I know, it’s genius, isn’t it? I can’t believe nobody’s ever done it before, but I guess I’m just a rebel like that. But okay, so here’s the thing. It’s a trilogy. But! It’s the first trilogy … in a trilogy of trilogies! Right? Right? Nine books! Amazing, right?
Callie: Please, please, please go on.
Wendi: No, wait, if you’ll just sign up for—
Guy: So it’s about this girl named Amethyst Orchid Jones, and she’s … she’s just your average teenage girl, you know? Except she kicks ass! And she has no idea how beautiful she is, until—
Wendi: There are still some slots open—
Guy: But listen, this is the best part. Ready? It’s The Hunger Games meets Harry Potter meets Game of Thrones meets Star Wars meets Fifty Shades of Grey … but feminist!
Callie: So it’s … sci-fi and fantasy and also porn?
Guy: It defies genre.
Wendi: Listen, Mr. Stanwyck the Third, I’d love to hear more of your pitch at … a later date … but I really have to go now. All right? I’ve agreed to give an interview to this young lady, and I’d appreciate it if you signed up for my pitch session tomorrow.
Guy: But the extra money—
Wendi: Tell them I said you could sign up for free. Password is “Kirkus.”
Guy: Omigod, you’re amazing. I knew you’d be amazing. Thanks so much! [retreating footsteps]
Callie: [pause] There’s a password for free pitch sessions?
Wendi: Heh. No.
PHOEBE BYRD
IPAC
A secret I’ve never told my best friend … well, I don’t think it’s a secret anymore, but before this convention my secret was that his new girlfriend really bothered me. I mean, she didn’t bother me, their relationship bothered me. I didn’t tell him because I figured he’d think I was jealous—and surprise, surprise, that’s exactly what he thought. I’m not jealous, for the record. They’re both great people, so of course they’re a great couple and of course I didn’t want to screw that up. They should be happy. But she and I used to be really close, until … well, apparently until I dumped her. That’s what she thinks, anyway. Even though she’s the one who made all these new friends. And yeah, okay, she’d still do stuff just with me when I’d ask, and she’d even invite me along when she hung out with them, but those girls were so … That’s not the point. Yes, it is. They were annoying as hell, and yeah, I told her that, but that doesn’t mean I thought she was annoying! I mean, yes, I stopped hanging out with them, which meant I stopped hanging out with her, but that doesn’t mean I dumped her, I just … um … wait, I think I explained that wrong. Sharks.
TODD FIORI AND NOAH MACIEL
WTFCON
Phoebe: Can you guys tell us a secret you’ve never told your best friend?
Todd: I have no secrets.
Noah: Yes, you do.
Todd: No, I don’t.
Noah: What about Pinky?
Phoebe: Pinky?
Noah: His stuffed penguin. He sleeps with it.
Todd: Everyone knows that.
Noah: What about that time you went skinny-dipping in our neighbor’s pool?
Todd: That photo was on Facebook.
Phoebe: Um, were you tagged?
Todd: Yes.
Phoebe: I’m going to need to see that. For … evidence. Podcast. Science. [clears throat]
Noah: Here’s a secret. He refuses to read Harry Potter.
Phoebe: EXCUSE ME?
Todd: That is not a secret. That is simply something of which we do not speak.
Phoebe: That which shall not be named?
Todd: What?
Phoebe: Sweet jackals.
Noah: See?
Phoebe: Why won’t you read it?
Todd: It’s so mainstream. It’s unoriginal.
Noah: Nope. That’s not why. Tell her the real reason.
Todd: [sigh] Well, the entire concept of boy wizards—
Noah: Nope.
Todd: It’s actually the fact that Dumbledore is—
Noah: Nope.
Phoebe: Um.
Noah: Do you want me to say it, hon? I’m gonna say it. He has an ex named Harry Potter.
Phoebe: What. What.
Noah: Dude totally sucked.
Todd: He … scarred me.
Phoebe: Heh, I see what you did there.
Todd: What?
JILLIAN BRZOZOWSKI
AND BEIGE BRZOZOWSKI
LITTLE MISS CITRUS
Jillian: Excuse me, are you with the press? I saw you interviewing that woman over there.
Vanessa: Well, I am doing interviews …
Jillian: Perfect. Come here, Beige! We’re going to talk to this young lady.
Vanessa: Your daughter’s name is … Beige? Is that a family name, or …
Jillian: Oh no. Color names are very in right now. Beyoncé named her daughter Blue, did you know that? We considered Magenta, but I think Beige is classier. Neutrals go with everything.
Vanessa: Um.
Jillian: Beige! Say hello to this nice lady.
Beige: [tearful] I WANT A DOUGHNUT.
Jillian: Beige was first runner-up in the talent competition yesterday. I’m so proud of her. Can you sing into the recorder, honey?
Beige: YOU SAID I COULD HAVE A DOUGHNUT. YOU PROMISED. MOMMY, I WANT—
Vanessa: Okay. So. Can you tell us a secret you’ve never told your best friend?
Jillian: Who, me? I don’t see why you want to talk about that. Have you ever met a five-year-old who sings Wagner? I bet you haven’t. You should’ve seen her little Valkyrie breastplate, it was so—
Beige: I HAVE A SECRET.
Vanessa: You can tell me a secret if you want.
Beige: Mommy can’t know. I want to whisper it.
Vanessa: Okay.
[rustling]
Beige: [whispering] Mommy says I have to hate Delancey because she’s my arch-ne-me-sis, but I want to be her friend because she gave me a lollipop, and it turned my mouth purple, and Mommy was MAD, but purple is my favorite color, and it’s Delancey’s favorite color, too.
Jillian: Beige! What are you telling her? Why don’t you show her your tap routine for tomorrow?
Vanessa: [whispers] I think it’s okay to be friends with whoever you want.
Beige: [whispers] Even though I’m supposed to crush her?
Vanessa: Even then.
Jillian: Beige? Wouldn’t you like to dance?
Beige: NO. I WANT A DOUGHNUT. YOU SAID.
Jillian: She’s so contrary these days. She never listens to me. I don’t know what to do with her. Good thing her sister Ochre is almost old enough for the toddler category. She’s so much more … obedient. Where did—Beige! Beige, honey, where are you going?
VANESSA MONTOYA-O’CALLAGHAN
WTFCON
Okay, this is kind of dumb, because I agreed to answer this question. The question was my idea, even. But … wait, let me start over. My name’s Vanessa, and I’m here with WTFcon. And I’m supposed to say a secret that I’ve never even told my best friend. But the problem is … um. Problem is, I don’t think I have a best friend. My school’s really big and cliquey, and there are some nice people there, but nobody who I really click with, you know? So, I had this online friend named Sol—uh, named Sarah, and I thought we were best friends. Actually, I thought we were way more than best friends, but it turns out she never thought that at all, and we had a fight and— Ugh, I’m sorry. This isn’t even useful. Let me start over. My answer to the question is that I can’t answer the question because I don’t have a best friend.
SCOTT LLOYD RIDGEWOOD HIGH SCHOOL
IPAC
Callie: Hey, can you answer a question for a podcast I’m putting together?
Scott: Um, I’m waiting for someone … but sure. I can talk until she gets here.
Callie: Tell me a secret you’ve never told your best friend.
Scott: Oh. Uh. I don’t really have any secrets. It’s impossible to … just, everyone knows everyone’s business. At least, with my friends.
Callie: There has to be something you’ve never told them!
Scott: Well, there is … there was. There’s stuff I wish I hadn’t told them. Does that count?
Callie: What kind of stuff?
Scott: Just … I don’t know.
Callie: Like relationship stuff?
Scott: [laughs uncomfortably] I, um … have you had any luck getting anyone to let a total stranger record that kind of secret?
Callie: You’d be surprised! Besides, it’s all anonymous.
Scott: Well …
Callie: Come on, spill.
Scott: [laughs again] Okay, so my school’s percussion ensemble comes to this convention every year, right? And last year I hooked up with this girl from another school. Everyone knew because, well, I told them.
Callie: You mean you bragged about it?
Scott: Well … yeah. Anyway. This year, I hooked up with another girl … from my school.
Callie: And you told everyone again?
Scott: No! I really didn’t this time. Not at first … but they all found out anyway. And then, yeah, I talked about it when they asked. But I kind of wish they didn’t know at all. Because …
Callie: Because you’re embarrassed about it?
Scott: No, no! Because I like her. Like, a lot.
Callie: Really? Does she know that?
Scott: I don’t know. I don’t think so. It’s already weird because we’ve been friends for a long time, you know? She got kind of freaked out and took off. I bet she thinks this is just like what happened with that girl last year, that I don’t care. But … I do. I really didn’t want her to go.
Callie: So are you going to tell her?
Scott: Well, I was. But … well, it looks like she’s not gonna show up, so. I guess she’s not interested either way.
HARLEY STUYVESANT
WORLD TAXIDERMY CHAMPIONSHIPS
Phoebe: Tell us a secret you’ve never told your best friend.
Harley: And why would I do that, young lady?
Phoebe: I mean, you don’t have to. We’re putting together a podcast, and we’re trying to get diverse—
Harley: Okay, I’ll tell you. I saw the Spice Girls in Dallas, when they were on their reunion tour. It was the best night of my life.
Phoebe: So tell me what you want? What you really really want?
Harley: I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT.
Phoebe: Yup. Yup, okay. I think … yup, that’s all we need. Thank you. Thank you.
Harley: Zig-a-zig-AHH.
CALLIE BUCHANNAN
WORLD TAXIDERMY CHAMPIONSHIPS
So, my mom left my dad and me a little more than a year ago because she wanted to “start over.” It’s not like it was a total surprise or anything—things hadn’t been good between my parents since I was in middle school. But obviously, I was still seriously angry and upset. I mean, my dad had pretty much stopped paying attention to my mom, but he’d stopped paying attention to me, too, and I had always imagined that if he and my mom split up, I’d live with her. We’d have, like, this adventure, start a new life, just the two of us. But then one day she was just gone, and I was still in the same place I’d always been.
But here’s the thing: even though I was furious, there was this tiny little part of me that actually felt kind of hopeful. Because I figured that if Dad was my only parent, if he saw that I didn’t have anyone else, he’d finally remember that he had a daughter. Like, that fun guy who used to hang out with me when we weren’t in the studio had to be in there somewhere, right? And now that I’d basically lost my mom, it just seemed fair that I’d finally get my dad back.
I can’t believe I was so stupid. Life isn’t fair, and things change, and even with my mom gone, my dad didn’t give a crap what was going on with me when I wasn’t assisting him. I should’ve seen right away that he didn’t have any capacity for real human feelings anymore. Maybe he never did, and I was just too young to understand that. I’m not really mad at my mom anymore. I totally get why she left now. And I can’t wait to do the same thing.
MERRY NOVAK
WTFCON
Vanessa: So can you give me your name for my records? I mean, I know it’s Merry. But is that short for anything?
Merry: Not anymore. My birth certificate says Meredith. And there were a couple years in high school when I told people it was short for Meriadoc—
Vanessa: Aw, Lord of the Rings!
Merry: That’s the one. But yeah, I like just plain Merry.
Vanessa: Cool. Okay, so here’s the question. Tell me a secret you’ve never even told your best friend.
Merry: Ohhh. Interesting. Hm. Well, how about a secret that’s so brand-new that I haven’t had a chance to tell my best friend yet?
Vanessa: That works, sure.
Merry: I met someone that I like.
Vanessa: Ooh, really?
Merry: Really. It’s just a crush thing at this point. I don’t even know her that well yet. But I’m hoping that’ll change.
Vanessa: Yeah? Are you seeing her again soon?
Merry: Well. Yes.
Vanessa: What’s she like?
Merry: Um, she’s really pretty, in this offbeat-nerd kind of way. Really nice hair. Really great smile. Really friendly, you know? Just a nice, cool person. And she has these awesome glasses. They’re these green tortoiseshell frames, and they look so great on her.
Vanessa: Oh! You mean like mine?
Merry: Yyyyyes. Like yours. And she writes fanfiction with … okay, her co-author’s not my favorite person, but …
Vanessa: Wait.
Merry: [laughs quietly]
Vanessa: But you mean …
Merry: Yeah.
Vanessa: But!
Merry: Yeah.
Vanessa: That’s, um. I. You’re! Um! Hey, look, I’m late to meet my—um, but I’ll catch you later, okay? Bye!
JEFF BELL (BISHOP HIGH SCHOOL)
IPAC
Callie: Can you tell us a secret you’ve never told your best friend?
Jeff: Sure. Last summer, I stole my teacher’s car.
Callie: [pause] Wait, what?
Jeff: This is anonymous, right?