Chapter Twenty
FENN
I have music in my ears, and a beautiful girl before me, and she’s kissing me.
She’s kissing me.
I hardly know what to do, what happened, how I got here. Whether Cyclo has stopped rotating, if I’ve flown off into space, if I’m dreaming.
What I do know is that her lips are soft, and trembling slightly, and if I don’t unfreeze and react in some way she’s going to run away forever, and that will be a tragedy to end all tragedies. And just when I think, Yes, I’d better start kissing her back, she breaks the contact between us, eyelids fluttering, inhaling because she’s been holding her breath. Her hands fall from my face and hang limply at her sides.
The music is sweet and aching, and it makes everything incandescently astonishing.
Her eyes find mine, and she frowns. I must still look a little surprised and shocked. I’m still frozen, and now she’s recoiling, as if her kiss was a crime or a mistake, whichever is worse, and God, Fenn, do something. Do something.
Live, for God’s sake.
If Hana’s taught me anything, it’s this.
Live, while there is life.
Hana sways away from me and bolts for the door. I wake up just in time and take two huge steps toward her to grab her wrist.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she says, and before one more apology leaves her mouth, I spin her around and crush her in my arms, our mutual gravities finding each other with inevitability.
My hands clasp her back and waist against me, and I find her mouth with my own and kiss her like there will never, ever be another kiss for the rest of time. Her lips part, and we taste each other. Her hands thread into my hair, and my arms tighten on her so firmly I nearly lift her off the floor.
Vaguely, in the side of my vision, there are flashing colors. Hana breaks the kiss, allowing me the opportunity to nuzzle her silken neck. Her hands find the hem of my shirt, and one hand slides up the center of my back, pressing me ever closer.
“Cyclo,” she murmurs in my hair.
“Mmm?”
Hana laughs softly. “Cyclo is telling us to stop.”
I stop kissing her neck to look sideways. The lights flashing around us are a zigzagging array of what must mean distress—yellow, iridescence, and silver.
“So this is what the ship looks like when her truant daughter is caught kissing a bad boy.”
Hana laughs, and at this, two long blobs start emerging from the walls, reaching toward us as if to stop us. Hana pulls me toward her, and the door is starting to pucker closed, too.
“And this is what it looks like when the truant daughter is tired of being safe. Let’s go!” she whispers, and pulls me through before it can shut over my leaping feet. Hana runs down the hallway, laughing, lights still flashing in the walls.
“Where are we going?” I say. She’s pretty quick, which is such a nice change from when she could barely keep up. Now I’ve got to keep up with her.
“Somewhere Cyclo can’t watch us. Isn’t there a section of the third ring where Cyclo isn’t responsive to voice commands at all?”
“Yes. This way.” I turn on my holofeed and head for the sections that Gammand had marked as inert, yet safe.
We run, hand in hand, like little children on the first day of solstice break. If there were eclipses and supernovas outside of the ship, begging for our attention, we wouldn’t pause a second. I pull Hana into my arms every few minutes for another kiss, and she laughs after we break each kiss, as if some new, gorgeous secret has been revealed, as if there might not be another kiss for the rest of our short lives. Knowing this is true makes each one sadder and more lucent than the last.
We finally find a small control room in the south beta, only a mere hundred feet away from the whole sectioned-off area infused with the exploded contents of Cyclo’s vacuole. In the distance, we can see the spiky white, waxy wall keeping death at bay. Hana pulls me into the room, and it’s got a center console used for holo work, but now the console is a blank, round dais. I lift her onto it, and she wraps her legs around my waist as she pulls my face to hers.
My body rises against hers, and all I want is the oblivion that Hana provides, right now, only now. She lifts my shirt off, and after exploring my back and chest with her hands, she pulls her own tunic off and melds herself against me, nuzzling my neck.
I push her away for a second. “Hana,” I say. “Do you even know what you’re doing?”
“I’ve read the archives,” she whispers, nibbling my ear, which sends ringlets of electricity down my neck and torso. “All of them.”
“But—”
“Fenn. I may not know my English idioms well, but I’m very well educated about certain things. I’ve just not…practiced in real life. Not yet.”
“But what if—we make a—I mean, God, it’s not like it matters—”
I stare at her belly as I stutter. It’s ridiculous that I’m worried about her getting pregnant. As if we had time and lives for such a luxurious biological event. But if we did, God, I don’t even think my mind could handle such an idea right now.
Hana smiles sadly. “I’m sterile, Fenn. Mother told me this a long time ago. I can’t have babies. None of the bioengineered can.”
I don’t know whether to be relieved or to cry. Luckily, we don’t have to worry about all those infections from last century, which were eradicated before we were born. I look back at the door, which is still open. “But what if someone—”
“Everyone is asleep. Fenn. I don’t care. Nothing matters. Just you, just me. Just now. Kiss me, Fenn.”
I shut up and let her pull me closer. Somewhere outside of Cyclo, stars are colliding, black holes are collapsing, and galaxies are being born. People are dying, and people are opening their eyes for the first time in their lives. But right now, Hana is the only thing in my universe.