CARINA

 

“O h my God, oh my God, oh my God!”

Through the haze, I barely make out my mother’s voice as she frantically has my father place me in the scalding hot water in their master bath. Instead of screeching at the sudden change in temperature, a small moan of relief slips free from my chattering lips. It feels like a million needles piercing my flesh at the same time, and I wish they would go on forever. It’s amazing; pure elated ecstasy.

Glancing down, I expect, and relish the thought of, seeing blood from those needle pricks as it slowly slides from the wounds, caressing my body like a lover. Only, to my dismay, I find my skin tinged red from the heat and nothing more. No blood—no sweet, sweet blissful release awaits my gaze.

As my body adjusts, the euphoric high I crave with every ounce of my being floats away, leaving the endless shit I loathe in its wake. No! I silently scream. Give it back! It all overwhelms me, confuses my fragile mind. I want it back. If I allow this to beat me, I’ll lose myself forever.

“What’s wrong with her?” she asks, flashing a burning light in my eyes.

It feels so damn good; so addictive. I keep my stare trained at the light, relishing the burn I feel on my irises. I’ll do anything to keep that shit away. I can’t let it drift away from me, too. It’s … it’s all I crave.

“I don’t know,” my father retorts. “I think she’s having one of those psych episodes.”

No, I want to shout at him. It’s not a psych episode. It’s me losing the last shred of sanity that kept me the way I have been for years. This newness—it’s different, something I can go the rest of my life without encountering. Yet, no amount of fighting, I can’t help it as it all slips between my fingers. My mind drifts, forgetting everything I’m supposed to hold near and dear to my cold, dead heart.

“I mean nothing; I am nothing.” But what I really want to say is more.

“Darling, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.” Strong fingers tip my head back, and now I’m staring into the dark eyes of my father, his face a mask of worry.

I want to yell at him that worrying is for the weak. That the weak have no place here, but I can’t. Because I may be many things, but a hypocrite isn’t one of them. I’m just as worried as him, because I know I’m not supposed to be like this. I’m not supposed to feel anything.

“I mean nothing; I am nothing,” I murmur.

When the light is no longer causing me that blessed relief, everything starts closing in on me faster, harder, stronger. My breathing escalates; my heart thuds loudly in my ears. I can’t … It’s getting closer and closer when all I want is for it to stay far away.

“I mean nothing; I am nothing!” I cry out, feeling my lungs constrict.

Blistering, mind-numbing agony sears through my body as my lungs scream for oxygen. Yet, with that feeling, the threat against me dissipates into nothingness. My mind clears; I can focus on everything around me. It brings me back to a place I know and love, making the oblivion shrink. I should breathe. That much I know. Yet, the relief it brings—the pleasure—I don’t want to part with it. Withholding air sends me higher and higher. They save me from falling into an abyss I crave nothing more than to escape.

“I mean nothing; I am nothing! I mean nothing; I am nothing! I mean nothing; I am nothing!” My screams rip through my throat as I begin choking, convulsing in his arms. “I mean nothing; I am nothing!”

Soft fingers wisping across my face cause me to lose the last shred of myself I was barely clinging to. A damn bursts inside of me, causing my back to arch as terrified scream after scream heaves from me. Tears silently trek down my cheeks as I cry on the inside for what I lost.

“What the fuck?!” The voice is as cold as ice, freezing every part of me with blistering frigidness. It causes a new relief in itself, unlocking my battered lungs. That voice—the death and agony I hear exuding from it—causes my heart to lurch. It brings the same pleasure the words I yelled brought me, and I crave it with every ounce of my being.

I cry out something unintelligible, reaching blindly toward that voice. I must have it. I must obtain it.

“You are both dead! Gavino, take them out of here!”

More pleasure floods my system hearing his deadly voice slither over my skin like fine wine. It’s like a balm for my soul, filling in where pieces are missing. The moment his fingers brush my chin, I’m unable to stop myself from moaning. His hands are as cold as death, making me yearn for more.

“Darling, look at me,” he says, his voice changing. No! I want it back. Bring back the death I heard in his voice.

“I mean nothing; I am nothing!” I scream, frantic, looking up, meeting his eyes.

The moment his hard eyes meet mine, everything stops. That shit is no more as it shrinks back in its corner to hide, trying to get as far away from the darkness as possible. It’s funny, considering that’s exactly how it feels when it’s howling, clawing to get me back into its clutches. It’s darkness. Darkness I don’t want to be part of. Yet, this man’s eyes cause it to retreat, fearful of what he may do if it doesn’t. It sooths me, causing a rush of air to leave my smarting lungs.

“What did they do, bella?” he asks, my eyes still trained on his.

“I mean nothing; I am nothing,” I retort, feeling more like myself than I have for some time.

His eyes harden, jaw set tight, which causes a smile to grace my face. Raising my arm, I run my fingers under his sinful eyes, wishing I could pull all his darkness inside myself so the uncaged part of me has no other choice but to stay away. He seems familiar in my muddled mind, but I can’t make out who he is. All I know is something inside me, deep down within my very frayed soul, knows this man can give me exactly what I need. His eyes say more than his words ever can.

“What. Did. They. Do?” he growls, low, causing a shudder to race through me. So much menace; so much fury. It’s delicious.

Searching my mind, I can only say two words, coming out slurred. “Broken. Me.”

“They broke you?” he deciphers, his eyes darkening even further. A giggle escapes me from his reaction. It’s heady; my body demands more.

Knowing I need to explain, I try my hardest to search through my thoughts. Small pieces come, but I can’t get enough of a hold on them to fully express what it is I need. It all comes out in a jumbled mess of words, causing hatred for myself to assault me. Why can’t I say what I want to say? The words are right there, ready to be voiced, but I can’t. I just can’t. It’s as if something in my mind is broken and cannot be fixed. No matter the relief his proximity causes, I still can’t get my speech to cooperate.

“Take. Pain. Me,” I sigh, hugging him closer. Feeling him holding me near helps, even though I can’t explain it. “Pain … Pain.”

“Take you. Pain,” he deciphers again.

I nod. “Pain. Take. Yes. Me. Pu-pu.” Please, help me feel. “Please. Feel. Y-You.” No matter what I do, I can’t iterate into words what I want and need from him. It’s frustrating! Why did they have to break me like this?

“Feel me?” he asks. “You’re not making sense, Carina. Slow down and tell me what you need.”

I need relief! “Pain. Pain. Feel. Me. Take. Pain.”

Shaking his head, he glances over his shoulder when a shadow casts over me. My mind can’t quite decipher what it is because it happens so fast, but it’s too much like the creeping void trying to unlock the cage I hold deep within me to be anything good. It’s too real; too similar.

“I mean nothing; I am nothing,” I start mumbling. “I mean nothing; I am nothing.” Rocking back and forth in his arms, I start frantically clawing at my stomach, desperately trying to get the shadow to recede. It can’t do this; I won’t let it. “I mean nothing; I am nothing. I mean nothing; I am nothing. I mean nothing; I am nothing.”

“What are you doing to her?!” the man shouts, grabbing at my hands, his voice filled with venom.

“Nothing! I just walked in here,” another man states, retreating.

Snuggling closer to the man with the magical voice and devastatingly soulless eyes, I slowly but surely become more of what I think used to be me. It feels right, so I’m going with it. I feel the shackles of my mind free, rattling their chains as they fall away with a thud. My concentration opens more, relishing that it’s now free.

“They … broke … me,” I whisper, settling myself once more.

A foreign emotion I don’t understand overtakes me when the man’s wide eyes snap back to mine. There’s light in them as he smiles down at me warmly, no longer holding the darkness that helped me find the light. That emotion, I can’t … I don’t fucking want it. My body tries to hyperventilate because of it. The pain is what kept me from losing myself completely, and I need it back. I need it to surround me like a warm fuzzy blanket.

Inwardly, frantically, I start reciting the words that kept me from drowning. They run through my mind over and over and over again until I feel my body going slack against his, at peace once more.

“What did they do to you?” he asks.

“N-Nineteen days,” I whisper.

With every word I force through my lips, exhaustion I’ve never known before overcomes me. Blinking through the haze clouding my eyes, I will myself to stay awake until I can tell him what he wants to know.

“Nineteen days?”

“He–” I yawn wide, feeling my jaw crack. Moaning from the shot of elation, I continue, “He made me … stay in the hole.”

Anger morphs his features as his arms painfully tighten around me, causing the last piece to click into place. “Both will die for this. Painfully, brutally die.”

“Mmm, pain. Pain is good.”

Going limp in his arms, unconsciousness takes me before I can mumble a protest.