Shit. Emily was making sense and I realized that as much as she kept telling me that she was all grown up, I’d never given her credit for it, because she was talking like a woman with a strong head on her shoulders. Sure, she acted every bit like Daddy’s little princess, but I knew better. I usually forgot that unlike me she usually surrounded herself with people who lived very different lives from the members of our family. I’d always reprimanded her for it, no matter how jokingly it was done, but it had made her so much wiser than the rest of us.

Her words rang true in my mind, body, and soul, and they left me both overwhelmed and speechless at the same time. It was as if I didn’t understand myself anymore and no longer did I feel the need to try and put up a front and pretend to be an arrogant pig. I didn’t have anything to prove anymore. I was human like everybody else.

“I’m going to let you go now,” Emily said after a long moment of silence. “But please, think things over carefully, all right? Don’t make a decision now that you could come to regret in the future.”

She cut off the call, and I was grateful because I didn’t think I could find the words. My hand dropped to my lap and I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat. My eyes stung, and I blinked them several times. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried, and it wasn’t going to be now.

I was worried. Could I bring myself to do all that? Possibly for the rest of my life? Because even if it was cancer again, and she returned to normal health after that, the risk would always be there.

Shit.

Suddenly, I felt restless. There was no point in just sitting there feeling sorry for myself, so I jumped up. I went to take my car keys and hurried out of my room. I headed for the elevator and pressed the button, then waited impatiently for the doors to open. I was just about to go looking for the stairs when the door opened, and as soon as I let myself inside, I regretted it.

Should have just gone for the stairs.

I wasn’t claustrophobic but being in the enclosed space with all the nervous energy running through my body made me uneasy. It was made even worse because I was alone. The walls of the elevator were reflective, and I could see what my expression looked like. Before it could make me break down, I looked at my feet, leaning back with my hands on the bars against the walls, holding myself steady.

When the doors opened again in the lobby, I practically stumbled out. I ignored the curious looks of the people waiting for the elevator, and others milling around the lobby. I kept my gaze on the ground, hoping no one would stop me to ask what was wrong with me, though that was probably a tall order.

I made it to my car and got inside. I waited a moment to catch my breath, trying to settle myself before I started the car and drove. I headed right for the house I’d called up to buy the day after I saw it, so I wouldn’t miss my chance with it and have it sold out from under me. I still wanted Laura’s input on it, so I would only make a clean purchase afterward.

The drive was shorter because I was driving faster, and I parked my car against the curb, then jumped out. I had a key to the house, and I kept it on the same ring as my car key and remote.

I let myself inside, through the fence and up the drive to the front door. I unlocked it and walked inside. I’d been coming here pretty often since I rented it, and I’d made some changes. The furniture had already been brought in, and I’d had some guys come in and do the paint. I’d put in a lot of Laura’s favorite colors. I thought it looked good enough that it didn’t need to be improved anywhere besides making it livable, and I’d done that.

When I looked at it before, I couldn’t help but feel proud. I thought she’d fall in love with the house just like I did, that she’d accept and move in with me happily in this house we could make into our home. Looking at it all once again though, I could only find glaring problems.

All of it was what I wanted, what I thought Laura would want. I’d put in everything that would be to her taste, but the reality was that Laura didn’t have any actual choice in any of it. It was still me doing whatever I wanted and hoping Laura would go along with it.

I’ve done it again, I thought to myself with a sigh.

I’d thought I was getting better, that I was making things better between us. I wasn’t just doing what I wanted on my own; I had her in mind all the time. But I didn’t always include her, and I hadn’t with this house. I’d hoped it would be a surprise, but I’d been so worried it would sell because how could no one else fall in love with it just like I had? Then I’d been too excited and started planning what the inside would look like, and went ahead with it instead of waiting to plan it all with Laura. If she hadn't liked how it turned out, I would have gladly changed whatever she didn’t like, but… that didn’t change my mistake.

“Dammit,” I cursed, only instead of being angry with myself, I was feeling subdued.

Without even meaning to, I’d taken control because I was so used to having it, even knowing Laura didn’t like it. Even when I disliked it when it came to my dad treating me that way. It didn’t change just because Laura and I were dating, and I loved her enough to do all this for her. For all his meddling, I knew Dad cared for me. His methods just annoyed me, and I hated that Laura had probably felt the same way with me.

Once again… I’d all but shown the woman I loved that her taste wasn’t good enough.

I walked over to the living room and sat down on the couch. It was large and comfortable, and I’d pictured us cuddling together in it under an afghan, watching a movie together. I didn’t have a TV installed yet, but I’d had plans to.

“Laura,” I said out loud. “You… would forgive me if I said I’m sorry, right? You’re not just going to stop talking to me and not see me again… you’ll be coming back…”

No one answered, and I didn’t expect it from an empty house, but it still left my chest feeling heavy. I tilted my head back, squeezed my eyes closed, and even covered them with my hand, pressing hard enough for it to be uncomfortable. My eyes were stinging again, and I tried to hold it back but I couldn’t.

For the first time in my adult life, since before I hit high school even, I cried.

At first, it was just a small tear slipping out the corner of one eye. I felt it as it slowly trickled down the side of my face, wet and warm. More followed after it, and I lost all hope of controlling them. My breathing and heartbeat picked up, and noises I hadn’t made since the last time I cried to my mother when I was a kid left my mouth. I tried to muffle them. The hand over my eyes moved to cover my mouth, but they still slipped out.

Shit.

It was pathetic that I was sitting by myself in an empty house and crying. But what else could I do? I couldn’t find Laura. She’d even moved out of her apartment, so she didn’t want to be found. Even worse, she could be very sick, and here I was crying like a baby.

I should move, I tried to tell myself. Wherever she is, she probably needed me. I should go to her.

But I couldn’t bring myself to move. I couldn’t even open my eyes because I knew Laura wouldn’t be there and seeing it would just make me cry more. I choked out a laugh, thinking how surprised they’d be, all those people who thought they knew me. I came off as confident, but it was just something I’d learned to project because of Dad.

I couldn’t be confident anymore, not when it came to Laura. Already, the worst-case scenarios were running through my mind.

If she was sick, then she was probably going to the hospital. I’d read up a little on breast cancer since she and I got together, and I knew even just the tests were painful, let alone going through the treatments. I thought back to what Emily had said to me and wondered if I could go through with it.

Laura would be in a lot of pain, and she’d need a lot of help. She’d also need me to be by her side to give her comfort. I’d have to sit there and watch her be in pain. I’d have to live with the uncertainty that cancer might not go away this time.

Was she going to have surgery? Had she gone through the tests already, and how painful had it been? Would she need chemotherapy? How long would it all take? All those questions I couldn’t answer kept running through my mind, and I had no answer for any of them. Neither did I know whether I wanted the answer, in case they were favorable. There was nothing in this situation that I could have control over, and that was just even more heartbreaking.

Behind all those thoughts was the one I feared most. The one I wanted to ignore and pretend it could never be a possibility, but I knew better.

What was I going to do if this was fatal? If even after going through the treatments… Laura died. Could I cope with that?

The thought just made me cry more, and my other hand clutched my chest because my heart ached at the mere thought of it.

Laura couldn’t die yet. I hadn’t even had the chance to love her properly yet! I hadn’t told her I loved her. But I had no control over any of it, and that was perhaps the thought that hurt the most.