I can recall every moment of last night, every moment. From the second I found the strength to stumble from the room for fear of being caught in a room not my own, next to a puddle of vomit, fluid leaking from between my thighs.
The thought of anybody knowing what happened and thinking the worst of me made me panic.
My soul watched over my body, too weak to reattach itself as I took the elevator to the ground floor, avoiding eye contact and people. I panicked that I would walk straight into him, or somebody else who might see straight through me or, worse, make me stay.
When I stumbled outside into the cold air, I prayed for a miracle.
I got a small one when a taxi for somebody else pulled up to the front. I dove into it and had them drive me home. Luckily, they didn’t protest. They likely saw my tear stained face, smudged makeup, and trembling.
I didn’t know how I was going to get into my apartment at the time. I didn’t have my keys; I left them in Lockhart’s hotel room before the party. My phone was dead so I couldn’t call anybody either. I prayed that Kai or Dane left the party early.
I prayed.
I’ve never prayed and at this point I knew God wasn’t listening, yet I still prayed.
Nobody was home. Not a single soul and it took everything I had left in me not to scream and kick the door, rip my hair out, or even jump out of a window and just end it here and now.
I could still feel him between my thighs, pumping away like I was nothing but a hole for his pleasure. I could still feel the stickiness pooling in the inside of my underwear and just wanted a shower so badly. Maybe I’d add bleach. The thought appealed to me.
After sinking to the floor, defeated, I hugged my knees and pressed my eyes to my kneecaps. I must have looked a sight but I had nowhere else to go. I had no money, no car, no keys, no phone, no soul. I may as well have been dead. I felt like dying.
“Cerise?” Dane’s voice came after far too long of me trembling on our doorstep. “Jesus…” He exclaimed when I looked up at him. “What happened? Are you okay? Did something happen with Lockhart?”
“No,” I sniffed, wiping under my eyes with my hand. Then, looking over his shoulder, I saw a set of familiar eyes staring at me. “Eliza… Dane are you kidding?”
“I… is my uncle coming?” She asks, panicked.
“Probably. I kind of ditched him, but he has my keys and,” I climbed onto my wobbling legs and nodded to the door, “Please just let me in.”
“Of course.” He smiled warmly and unlocked the door. I stumbled inside and shot straight for the bathroom. “Cerise, I’m going to take Eliza home and then I’ll be straight back.” I could hear them whisper shouting at each other and knew Eliza was likely disappointed that she’d be alone tonight. Dane wouldn’t leave me now, though I wished he would.
I climbed into the shower, fully clothed. The water was scorching hot, too hot, but I sat under the spray for as long as I could handle before finally peeling off my sodden clothes and dropping them in the bath. My tears washed away with the water, my hands scratching at my unclean skin, wishing I could peel it all off and reveal a new layer. I used all of my shower gel in my orifices, all of it, and then all of Dane’s.
I’d never felt so sore.
“Don’t let Lockhart in,” I begged Dane when he returned. “If he comes, don’t let him in.”
“What the hell happened?” He asked, worriedly and angrily. “If he’s hurt you…”
I closed my bedroom door in his face, locked it and curled up in my bed, naked, bruised, sore and numb. Too many emotions for my petite body. I just needed it to end. I thought after sleep I’d feel better.
I don’t.
I don’t feel better.
I vomited immediately after waking, after drinking water, after trying to drink a coffee that Dane made for me and left outside my bedroom door. I couldn’t stop.
I can’t stop.
It’s noon and I still can’t stop.
I daren’t switch my phone on or pull the blanket from over my head. The light, it’s too pure for my tainted soul right now. But I want another shower so badly. It’s all I want. Just one more shower, scorching hot, more soap, more shampoo, more toothpaste. I’ll wash him from memory.
Dane and Kai are making so much noise. How am I supposed to stop thinking, or think about different things, when they’re making my head pound?
I climb out of bed, throwing the blanket over the mirror because I can’t stand to look at myself right now. Will I ever be able to?
My thighs ache and I know why. I can still smell the fresh linen beneath my nose. I can still hear his grunts in my ear. I can still feel myself choking for air as he pushed my face into the mattress.
A sob tears its way up my throat and my legs give way beneath me. I lay on the floor, looking up at the ceiling, my body splayed out in an uncomfortable position on the hard ground.
“Your boyfriend is calling me again,” Dane says softly on the other side of the door. “I have to answer it. He’s going to know I’m awake by now. What should I say?”
I don’t reply. I can’t physically gather the strength to.
“I know you’re up; I can hear you sniffling like a baby.” His head thuds against the door. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’m not sniffling,” I lie, forcing my voice to simulate normality. “I’m fine; I’m just hungover. Tell him… tell him I’ll call him soon… tell him my phone died last night and I’m currently getting dressed.”
I hear him answer and walk away from the door. Then I hear the front door open and panic.
He can’t see me like this. He can’t know I’m tainted. He can’t know what happened. Nobody can know. I’ll never live it down; it’ll be everywhere; it’ll be over everything.
“I just don’t think it’s a good idea, mate,” I hear Dane say. “She’s not in a good mood.”
Lockhart’s fist bangs against my bedroom door after he tries the handle. “Cerise? Cerise… babe. Open up.” I climb to my feet and stare at the door. “I shouldn’t have abandoned you. I lost track of time and then you were gone.” Because I was being raped by your enemy. Is it wrong for me to hate Lockhart for this? He did this. His choices did this to me. That assault was a result of his bullshit. “I’m sorry. Please let me in. I swear I didn’t… I wasn’t doing anything with anyone else if that’s what’s worrying you.” When I don’t reply again, I hear his head thud against the door just like Dane’s had. “I understand why you’re upset and I’ll give you the space you need for today.” He bangs loudly again with his fist and I hear his temper rise in his voice. “Answer me, damn it. Let me know you’ve heard me.”
“I… I heard you,” I say quietly, unable to gather the strength to sound normal.
He thinks I’m upset because of how long he was gone. I wish it were that simple.
“Give these to her,” Lockhart says to Dane, his voice defeated. “Tell her… Tell her I love her and I’m sorry. Tell her to turn her phone on and make sure she eats!”
“Yes boss,” Dane grumbles, his voice carrying away from me.
I collapse onto my bed and place my hands over my face.
My life is over. It’s all so fucked up.
* * *
As promised, Dane makes me lunch: two slices of toast with butter and some apple slices. I stare at them for a long time and I consider eating them but I don’t. I should, I know I should, but I just can’t. I simply can’t.
My hand won’t move to the plate; it won’t touch the food. The thought makes me want to hurl.
I want vodka instead.
When Dane comes again, an hour later, I open the door and face him. Except it’s not him, it’s Kai and, before I can stop him, he has me in his arms and I’m sobbing desperately into his chest.
“Shit, Cerise, please, tell us what’s wrong.”
“I… I can’t,” I whimper, desperately clinging to him as he holds me together.
“Time for a soppy sandwich,” Dane says and crushes me from the other side. They both hold me up between them, my long-time friends who know me so well yet know nothing about me. But I know them well enough to know that if I tell them like I so desperately want to, they’ll kill him.
Or maybe that’s wishful thinking.
“Okay.” I shove Kai off me. “Leave me to wallow.”
And they do exactly that. Sleep, though it’s troubled, comes easily, but the dreams I receive are as disturbing as the event itself. I wake up to darkness in a pool of my own sweat, to the ringing of my phone that I’m certain was dead.
“She’s awake.” Lockhart’s voice startles me.
“Don’t do that!” I snap, sitting bolt upright and pulling the blanket up to my neck.
He sits in the chair by my door, spinning my phone between his finger and thumb. His lip vanishes behind his teeth as he stares at me.
Taking me in. All of me.
Can he see it in my eyes? Does he know I’m tainted? Can he smell Thatcher on my skin?
I can.
I can’t stop.
“I took the liberty of charging your phone for you,” he says, standing and moving to the bed one slow step at a time. He places it on my bedside table and sits beside me as I stare at him with wide eyes. “Forgive me.”
My lips part and tremble. I’m not going to cry. Not again. I can’t physically cope.
“My intention was to only be a few minutes, but… it ran over and I didn’t realise until you’d already gone.” He lies on his side and pats the bed. “Lay down with me.”
“I can’t,” I whimper, unable to put myself in a position where he might want more than just to hold me.
“Please,” he begs softly, running his fingers up my bare arm.
When I rest back, I’m stiff. My body is a board under the blanket, which I pin tightly to my bosom with both hands.
“Other than my disappearance, did you have a good night?”
“Georgia was a lot of fun. I saw Annice too…”
“She said. I called her to see if you’d left with her,” he chuckles and wraps an arm around my waist. “Is it wrong I was hoping you had?”
I jerk away when he tries to nibble on my ear lobe.
“Still mad, huh? I can fix that.” He slides a hand down my body, making me tense further and squeeze my eyes shut. “Unfortunately, as much as I’d like to fuck you into forgiveness, I’ve made plans for us both, special plans.”
Would he still want to take me somewhere if he knew?
“I’m not in the mood,” I murmur and his finger circles the shape of my breast through the blanket. “Please stop.”
He sighs and presses his forehead to my shoulder. “I’m sorry, truly.”
“Yeah, I know, I’m just… I’m feeling ill.”
“Oh?” His head pops up and his eyes find mine. “Ill?”
“Sick and just groggy. I think I might be getting the flu.”
“In that case, I’ll cancel our plans and baby you at home instead. Okay?” He looks at the tray of food on the table beside me and adds, “That explains why you’ve not eaten. You really should, though not that. It looks dry and stale now.”
It probably is. It’s been there a few hours. If it’s dark outside it has to be past six PM and Dane brought the food to me at around twelve.
“I just want to sleep.” I roll over, shuffling away when he tries to spoon me. “It’s not you; I’m just not good company when I’m ill.”
He doesn’t argue; he simply kisses my shoulder and climbs off my bed. “I’ll get you some medicine. You rest.”
Rest.
I’m not sure I’ll ever rest again. Every muscle in my body aches with tightness.
I stare at nothing as he potters around my apartment, speaking to Dane and Kai, laughing with them. Would he be laughing if he knew?
I wonder what he’d do, how he’d react if I told him.
He’d be mad. He’d hurt Thatcher, maybe even kill him. Then he’d never look at me the same way again.
I’ll be the damaged girl who was raped by the man he despises. He’ll hate himself for doing this. He’ll blame himself because he’ll know it was his fault.
Was it his fault?
If it wasn’t for him and his stupid fucking games, I’d have never felt comfortable in that room with my eyes bound.
I made it too easy.
If I’d only looked at him! If I’d only demanded he speak before letting him cuff me!
How could I have been so stupid?
How could I have put myself in that position?
When Lockhart enters my bedroom, I bury my face under the blanket so he doesn’t see me crying.
“Cerise?” He whispers, moving around to my side. He places something on the table and takes the old tray away before returning again, giving me a chance to dry my eyes in his absence. “Here, take these and drink this.”
I peek over the edge of the blanket and slowly sit up, placing the tablets on my tongue and swallowing them with the water. He makes me drink most of it, then kisses my forehead and tucks me back into bed.
When I think he’s finally gone, he returns with pillows from the couch, places them against the headboard and gets himself comfortable. I hear him power his laptop up and begin tapping away at the keys.
Is he really going to sit here while I internally die?
Just working like the world is still spinning?
I don’t care if it is, it doesn’t feel like it is. Not for me.
He chuckles at something he sees but I don’t turn to be nosy like I normally would. I stay as I am, curled up in the foetal position, desperate to just forget. Why can’t I be like one of those people who represses things?
I don’t fall asleep again, nor do I move for fear that Lockhart realises I’m awake. He stays exactly where he is for the rest of the night until bed time, only moving to use the facilities, order food which I don’t eat, and bring me more medicine which helps with how sore I am between my thighs. I just wish he’d leave but then, when he finally does the next morning, I just wish he’d stay.