Gabriella
I didn’t mean to knee him in the nuts. It was my survival instinct, kicking in. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t control it when I locked myself in the bathroom either. I hadn’t seen that Paxton since the first few weeks that I had come there, or that I remembered anyway. I darted away from him, sprinting to the bathroom with the door locking behind me. My body slumped to the floor while my heart thumped in my chest. Jesus, pregnancy hormones made me crazy. Bat-shit crazy. I just brought him to a pile of nothing with my knee, and I was sure I was as good as dead. He would no doubt kill me dead. Jesus Christ, Gabby.
I’d just begun to wonder if I had killed him when he finally came to the door. “I’m going to fucking kill you.”
“No you’re not. Just hear me out, Paxton. I’m not cheating on you, and this baby is one-hundred-percent yours,” I began with the calmest voice I could muster, trying like hell to lower the heat on his temper. He was pissed.
“Open the fucking door, Gabriella.”
No way. I knew that tone, and I knew if I could see him, his face would match the tone, his words spoken through a clenched jaw. “I’m not opening the door until you calm down.”
“I will go out to my truck, get a fucking Sawzall, and cut this fucking door down. Open the door.”
The jiggle on the handle brought me to my feet and I prayed that he put good locks in. I backed up a couple feet and pleaded with him again. “Paxton, please.”
“No, fuck that, Gabriella. You kneed me in the fucking nuts. I’m not okay with that.”
“Oh, but I’m supposed to be okay with you grabbing me by my hair? Fuck you, and your double standards,” I yelled as the bionic woman came out of nowhere again.
At least, it stunned him for a second. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that. Open the door.”
“Ha, no way, buster. I’m not that Gabriella anymore. You can’t manipulate me like that anymore. Try again.”
“Open this fucking door,” he ordered again with a loud bang from a fist. One that I was sure left a dent.
Idiot.
I kept my distance, and spoke to the door from a few steps back. “You’re making it worse, Paxton.”
“No, you’re making it worse. Open the goddamn door, Gabriella.”
“I’m not opening the door, Paxton. Not until you calm down.”
Panic set in when I didn’t hear him anymore. Surely he wasn’t crazy enough to get a saw. Was he?
“Paxton?”
Nothing.
Great.
“Paxton?”
Again, nothing. I wrung my hands, contemplating what to do. There was no way he would chance one of the kids walking into that. Then again, I got pretty loud in that room and they had never so much as questioned it. Paxton made it theater room quality for that reason. I knew how insulated it was. Wait. How did I know that? I pulled on each one of my fingers, nervously waiting for noise. All but the drip coming from the shower behind me, the room was deathly quiet. The drip kept perfect rhythm with the beating in my ears from my heart, a steady, thump, thump, thump, and drip, drip, drip.
“Paxton, I’m not kidding. Stop it. You better not be getting a saw,” I called, feet sliding to the door, moving my ears closer to the door.
“Sonofabitch,” I said aloud, pondering my next move. I knew I had to get downstairs before he returned with a stupid saw. I didn’t trust that he wouldn’t use it, but, I trusted that he wouldn’t use it downstairs. If I could make it to one of the kid’s room would have been even more beneficial. There was no way he would scare them like that. I quietly unlatched the lock with my ear planted against the door. The knob turned in my hand when I didn’t hear anything, and like an idiot, I cracked it.
Paxton smirked at me from the other side. “Stupid fish.”
I tried like hell to shove it closed enough to latch it, but I was no match for the fuzzy socks on my feet, and my husband’s strengths. “I’m pregnant. You can’t hit me,” I yelled with two flat hands between him and me. He could break both of those in the blink of an eye.
“Don’t you ever fucking do that again. Do you hear me?”
That was my next real flash, one that changed the score, again. Paxton let his anger overpower him and he went too far. It wasn’t of a past that I didn’t want to remember. It was the day of my accident. Paxton shoved my head to the bathroom sink, only it wasn’t the sink. It was his desk.
“I wanted you in here an hour ago,” Paxton said as his hands laced through my hair and my face landed on his desk.
“I’m sorry, they’re not used to you being home during the day. They don’t take naps every day now.”
“Did I ask you for excuses?”
I felt my sundress being raised over my hips, and the string between my ass pulled tighter in my ass, but I didn’t speak. I closed my eyes and took my punishment, feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wasn’t afraid of him, I wasn’t anything, and I felt it. Nothing. A void so deep and lonely that I despised it with everything in me. I didn’t feel the slap of his hand come down on my ass, I didn’t feel his hand rub out the sting, but I knew it was nine times. I counted them in my head while I stared at a fake photo of the four of us in front of the fake tree, never feeling an emotion. Not even one, not even the pain that I should have felt in my ass.
I didn’t feel it when he moved around the side of the desk and fucked my mouth either. I just did it. I didn’t see anything when Paxton retrieved a bottle of lubrication from his desk drawer like it was normal, and squirt it between my legs either. I didn’t feel him slide inside me, and I didn’t feel the grip he held in my hair while he fucked me from behind. I was a ghost, incapable of feelings.
“Gabriella?”
I knew he said it, at least, two more times before I heard him. I stared back at Paxton, no longer bent over the sink, feeling as blank as the stare.
“Jesus, Christ, Gabriella. Say something.”
I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say. It was a quick vision, but it was there, and real. Too real for my liking.
“Leave me alone,” I said as I tried to step around him. Of course, Paxton wasn’t about to let that happen. I, however, wasn’t about to back down.
“You can’t run, Gabriella. What the fuck do you expect? I heard you with my own ears. You told someone to call back tomorrow when your husband wasn’t home. I heard you. Who was that, Gabriella? Tell me.”
“We had sex the day I wrecked. You spanked me over your desk nine times because I couldn’t get the girls to take a nap fast enough to come and please you. I think I even remember the text. Something like, put the girls down for a nap and get in here and suck my dick. Is that about right, Paxton?”
Paxton didn’t respond, but I did read the look. He was dumbfounded, caught between two worlds, just like me.
“You know what else I just realized?”
“What?” he quietly spoke, the anger in his eyes no longer there.
“I didn’t love you either. I didn’t feel anything either. Nothing at all. How do you think we can make it through this? It’s never going to work.”
I stepped away with more attitude that time, showing him with my actions that I meant business. “Paxton, stop. Let me go, because that’s the safe thing to do right now. For me and you.”
“Is it going to hurt me?”
“Possibly,” I honestly replied.
Paxton raised both his hands, surrendering with a deep breath. “Okay.”
I walked away and climbed into bed, switching off the light, and shutting him out, again. I had to, just for a little longer.
If we didn’t have a thing before, we did now. Even in the dark, the tension was thick. Paxton left me alone, first with a shower and then back downstairs. To work, I presumed. That’s what Paxton always ran to, a 3D version of an elegant pool, and a yard like something from Better Homes and Gardens. That’s where he lost himself while I laid alone in bed, wondering where we were headed, and not liking it. Not at all, but I couldn’t help the way I felt. These fragments of our life together wreaked havoc on our relationship, and truth be told, I didn’t know where the road would end. Nonetheless, it scared the hell out of me.
I rolled to my back and placed my hand over my growing bump, remembering our ultrasound the next day. It was supposed to be a good day, a happy memory that I could replace a bad one with. Things didn’t feel very happy, let alone promising for this new little guy. My mind drifted to what would happen to us. Would he let me stay in the house with the kids, would I have to get a job? How the hell was I supposed to do that with four kids? A new baby and a job. That would never work. As selfish as that sounded, it was the truth. I knew women did it every day, but I never had to worry about that. Paxton always took care of me financially so I didn’t have to think about something like that. I supposed I could work in the evenings when he was at work. Maybe a coffee shop, or restaurant.
We were supposed to tell the kids about the baby the next day, too. With a heavy sigh, I imagined that was ruined as well. I doubted that we would even tell them.
I dozed off sometime before midnight, fighting the urge to go after him. He always said that, he always claimed that fact as truth. It was a tradeoff. He took care of me, and I took care of him. My eyes closed and I pondered the meaning behind it. Maybe I was the one at fault. Maybe I should have stepped up a long time ago.
The alarm on my phone was the next thing I remembered. My hand still covered my baby, and I was still alone. Paxton never came to bed. I laid there awake, listening to him moving around downstairs, debating whether or not to go down and face him. I didn’t have to wonder long before I heard the door open and close with the nine-digit beep. Looking out the window to him wasn’t the only reason I crawled out of bed. I had to pee, and did that first.
I stared at him from my dark room, watching him drive his truck over to the work garage. He walked around, placing things in the back of his truck, and backed up to a ready to go trailer. Paxton pulled out with the trailer full of tools, leaving me without a word. The thought of why it was okay for him to run away, but not me crossed my mind, but then I realized I was the one who told him to leave me alone, and he did. He’d also be right quick to throw it in my face, too. No doubt about it. As much as I wanted to, I didn’t reach out to him first. I refrained from texting him, and went about my day as normal. First fighting with the stupid, stupid line at school. A month and some of the parents still couldn’t comprehend the mundane task. And then I spent my day alone, wondering if Paxton would show up to go with me, and waited, wondering if she’d call back.
By ten in the morning, the anticipation just about killed me. I tried to read, tried to clean some windows, tried to come up with a new recipe, and then tried to relax in a hot tub of lavender scented bubbles. Nothing. I gave up and went for a walk, ending on the top of one of my favorite places. The air was cooler there, the ocean was clearer, and the sun warmer. It felt like my place to find myself.
I jumped when my phone rang, a surge of adrenaline, rushing through my veins with the ringing. “Jesus, God. Don’t ever do that again. You scared the hell out of me.”
“Sorry, whatcha doing? Did she call?”
“No, not yet. Did you get the test?”
“Yes, bring his brush with you. He said he could have the results back to you by the end of the week.”
“I’m scared, Mi. What if she’s really Lane’s? I can’t keep doing this. I’m going to have to tell him, or we’re never going to work. I can’t keep going like this.”
“Fingers crossed, I mean it’s not impossible. You did have sex with both of them, and you’re pregnant now. I’d say the odds are in your favor. Gotta go. I’ll see you at two. Is he coming?”
“I don’t know. We had a fight.”
“You just told me yesterday how good things were going.”
“Yeah, and then the bastard snuck upstairs and caught me on the phone with Tatiana.”
“I tried to tell you to wait for the stupid test. You never listen to me. What did she say?”
I reminded Mi of how that all went down, defending myself against her, I told you so’s. “You told me that after I sent the email. How was I supposed to know I could just give you his hairbrush along with the girls’? I’m not a forensic cop, and besides. I didn’t know she would call when he was home. I specifically stated before three for a reason.”
“Don’t you watch NCIS? Law and order, CSI? Nothing?”
“No, not really. I either watch Nickelodeon, Disney, or football. That’s about it.”
“I gotta go, chica. I’ll see you when you get here. Don’t worry about anything. Just take care of that baby. No stress.”
“Yeah, that’s easy with my life. I’ll see you later.”
I breathed a deep breath, realizing how I must have sounded to Tatiana. Like an immature idiot, telling her to call back when my husband wasn’t home. I didn’t jump with next ring. I prepared myself with a straight spine and a strong voice.
“Hello, this is Gabriella Pierce.”
“Um yes, this is Tatiana Gibson. You wanted to speak with me. Is Rowan okay?”
“Yes, of course. It was nothing like that.” For whatever reason, the sound of her voice relaxed me a little, and we talked, and talked, and talked. That was unexpected, and way out in left field. I wasn’t expecting that at all.
Tatiana confessed her mistakes to me, telling me how lucky I was to have Paxton. She’d been through two other divorces since him, expecting them to be like him. Work hard and love her the way that he once did. Of course, I never disclosed the aftermath of her cyclone had caused, or that I was what it had collided with. I took the blunt of her betrayal. I, however, wasn’t about to tell her that part. I was okay with her thinking we had this magical thing between us, and in some sort of fucked up way, we did.
“I wish I could tell you, but I can’t. That doesn’t make me very proud of myself, but it’s the truth. I was so young when I met Paxton, at the top of the world, partying with my friends, and cheering in front of thousands of people. I tried to tell him that I wasn’t ready. We actually made it to the abortion clinic, before I finally caved, and gave into him, knowing before I did, that it would never work. I tried. I swear I did. It just wasn’t for me.”
“I’m glad you didn’t do that to Rowan, but I don’t understand how you could just walk away from her. I would die if someone took Rowan from me, and I’m not even her blood.” I would have done the same thing for Vander, too. They were all mine. All three of them and I loved them so much, and so did their daddy. Whoever said DNA made a daddy was crazy. It didn’t. Not at all.
“Oh, I knew she would be better off with Paxton. He was an amazing daddy to her from the moment she came out, squeaking like a little mouse. While he was busy with his grandfather’s house, and that development that would give him his fresh start, I was busy, losing my baby fat. By the time Rowan was three months old, I was back to running five miles a day, and practicing for four hours to be the best cheerleader I could be. I cared about the Dallas Cowboys, not being a mommy.”
As crazy as it sounded, I sort of felt her pain. Paxton could no doubt be overbearing, and I could see him trapping her. Maybe not in the same way that he trapped me, but nonetheless, he did. “Do you have other kids?” I don’t know why that mattered to me, but for whatever reason, that answer was important to me.
Her tone became quiet and level. “No, I always thought that would be unfair to Rowan.”
I understood what she meant, knowing she felt too much shame to ever do that. “You’re still young enough to have another baby. They’re amazing little people, and you don’t have to worry about Rowan. She’s loved very much.”
The smile in her voice was heard through her words. “Thank you for saying that. I have been dating a super guy who would make an excellent father. If you don’t mind me asking, how is she? Does she still have bleach blonde hair?”
“Yes, and it’s okay. You can ask. She’s a dancer. Ballet, and she’s so smart. She skipped the first grade because she was so bored in Kindergarten. She’s only been a second grader for a month and she’s already read seven chapter books. She’s a lot like you.”
“She is? Like how?”
“Well, you know we have Ophelia. That’s our daughter together, and we’re also raising my sister’s five-year-old little boy. Row-row is constantly changing her clothes, washing her hands, clothes. Oh my, God. This girl is a walking fashion designer. She’s good, too. She knows her style, the only six-year-old I know addicted to Project Runway. You would be very proud.”
“I am, and a little sad that I’m missing it.”
Although she was the one who chose to walk away, I felt bad. I mean, if Paxton told me I couldn’t see one of my kids, I would fight him to my death. However…I still felt sorry for her. I couldn’t imagine not seeing them. “Thank you for returning my call. Even though I didn’t get the answer I hoped for, I feel a little closure after talking to you. Don’t ever worry about Rowan, Tatiana. I’m madly in love with her. I can’t fathom the thought of her not being in my life.”
“That means a lot. Take care.”
“You, too.”
“Gabriella?”
“Yes?”
“I really don’t think you need a piece of paper to know who her father is.”
“Thank you.”
With that I hit end, glancing up to the warm sun with a new sense of direction. Maybe all of this was just plain silly. Maybe I should just stop and forget all about it, but I knew that wouldn’t happen, that I would never be able to let it rest until I knew. Climbing down from the large rock, I decided to continue with the plan. If all went as planned, Mi would be able to tell me if Paxton was indeed the father of both my daughters. I refused to think about the, what ifs, deciding to stay focused on, the positive, believing that he was.