one

Tessa

Four and a Half Years Later

Bam! Bam! Bam!

The pounding on the door jerks me from sleep, and it takes me a minute to get my bearings. I must have dozed off on the couch, waiting for Trevor to get home. Wiping sleep from my eyes, I stumble to the door as the banging sounds again.

“Mrs. Salinger?” a deep baritone calls from the other side of the door.

“Just a minute. I’ll be right there,” I reply, striving to keep panic from my voice.

With unsteady fingers, I comb through my hair and then run my flattened palms over my pajamas, smoothing them out. On my tiptoes, I peer through the peephole and see Theo, our doorman, standing in the hall. He’s flanked by two officers from the Chicago Police Department. A sinking feeling settles into the pit of my gut as I twist the knob and open the door.

“Theo.” My voice trembles as I say his name.

“It’s all right, miss. These officers need a moment of your time.” He forces a smile, one I’m certain is meant for reassurance, but it doesn’t help. Theo turns and then walks to the elevator without glancing back.

“Mrs. Salinger, may we come in?” one of the officers asks.

“I’m so sorry. Yes, of course, please come inside.” I gesture to the living room and wait for them to step inside before closing the door. My feet are heavy as I follow behind them.

The crumpled blanket remains strewed over the couch from where I left it moments ago. With trembling fingers, I fold it before laying it over the back of the sofa.

In a voice so quiet, I barely recognize it as my own, I ask the question I don’t want to hear the answer to, “It’s Trevor, isn’t it?”

“I’m Officer Wade and this is my partner, Officer Finch.” He points to the petite blonde beside him. “Please, let’s sit down.” His tone is even as he invites me to have a seat in my own home.

His face is a mask of professionalism, but for a split second, it hides nothing, and cold dread seeps into my pores.

“No. Please, I’d rather stand.” A million horrific scenarios run through my head, each one worse than the last. This moment will be burned into my brain with such clarity years from now. I’ll remember where I stood and exactly what I wore. In the next few seconds, my heart will shatter.

“Mrs. Salinger, it really would be best for you to take a seat,” Officer Wade insists.

Their pitying eyes seem to assess each small step I take toward the chair. They settle on the couch, grim smiles replacing the pleasantries.

“Mrs. Salinger, I’m sorry to inform you that your husband, Trevor, has been involved in an accident,” Officer Wade tells me.

My heart squeezes in my chest, and words wobble past my lips. “What do you mean, he’s been involved in an accident?” My eyes flit to the clock on the wall. It’s after two in the morning, and Trevor should’ve been home a few hours ago.

Oh God. Please. Please.

“A suspect fleeing a crime struck Mr. Salinger’s vehicle,” Officer Wade explains. “I’m so sorry, Mrs. Salinger. Your husband died on impact.”

I shake my head in denial. “No! No.” He was on his way home to me. “It’s not him,” I say defiantly. “There’s been some sort of mistake.” My arms wrap tightly around my middle, and tears sting my eyes. Please let it be a mistake. This can’t be happening.

They look at me with sympathy in their eyes.

“Is there someone we can call for you?” Officer Finch asks.

Her words jumble in my head as the room begins to sway and spin.

“No. No. Please just go.” When they make no attempt to leave, I repeat, “Please.”

“Once again, we’re so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Salinger. We’ll show ourselves out,” Officer Finch says.

I don’t acknowledge them as they walk out the door. Or turn my head when the clicking of the doorknob echoes through our condo.

“Your husband died on impact.”

Those five words warble and whir like scratched vinyl on a record player. I sink to the floor, my hands covering my ears to block out the sound.

“Your husband died on impact.”

They strike with the strength of an F5 tornado, crushing bones and shattering my heart.

Vomit burns at the base of my esophagus. I struggle to get to my feet and clamp a hand over my mouth. Then, I hurry into the kitchen to heave the contents of my stomach into the trash can. I stagger to the cabinet for a glass and fill it beneath the water dispenser in the refrigerator door. My hand quakes so badly, the water sloshes from side to side, and I have to use both hands to steady it as I move to the sink. I lift the tumbler to my lips and swish the cold liquid in my mouth. Then, I lean over and spit down the drain. With the glass still clutched in my hand, I fall to my knees on the hardwood floor.

“Trevor!” I scream into the emptiness.

I hurl the glass at the wall. It splinters into a thousand tiny shards, much like my soul. I tuck my body into a fetal position, and my entire being shudders with the force of my sobs. The endless stream of tears distorts my vision. I roll to my side and press my cheek against the floor.

“Pl-please, G-god. Not Trev-or,” I beg.

It hurts so much. I can’t breathe.

I cry until everything around me fades to black.

Hours later, I wake up in bed with no memory of how I got here. I roll over and glide a hand across Trevor’s pillowcase, the fabric is cold against my warm palm. For a split second, I wonder if he’s in the kitchen, making coffee. Then, the memory of last night comes crashing over me in a tsunami of ruin. My hand finds its way to my mouth, repressing the sob.

Trevor. Oh God. Trevor.

I tuck my knees to my chest, and the tears start all over again.

A soft knock sounds from the other side of the bedroom door.

“Tessa? It’s Dante. I’m coming in.” It’s the only warning I get before Trevor’s half-brother walks into the room.

Pressing my hand harder against my lips, I shake my head. I’m trying so hard to keep the sobs in. Overwhelming loss, jagged and painful, overtakes me. The force of the silent cries racks my body. My hand slips, and silence is no more. The sounds piercing the air are otherworldly. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much.

“Tessa?”

The bed dips.

“Tessa! Come on, Tessa.” Dante’s eyes are wild, panicked.

It looks as though he’s trying to say something, but the screaming is so loud that I can’t hear him. His strong hands grip my arms and lift me from the mattress. He wraps me in a snug embrace and cradles me into him, burying my face against the crook of his neck. And I cry with a brokenness so guttural, the strength of it shakes our bodies as well as the bed. The harder I weep, the tighter Dante holds on to me.

Minutes, maybe hours, pass when I finally lift my head.

“Hey,” he says, meeting my swollen eyes. His dark hair is disheveled. The skin below his eyes is darkened with shadows. Chocolate irises reveal sadness and shock. “Tessa…I’m so sorry.”

My head pounds from crying. “I wa-want to wa-wake up.” My breath is ragged and thick. “I wa-want th-this not to be real.”

Dante’s eyes are flecked with pain as my gaze locks on his. “I know, Tess. Me, too.” He studies me for a minute, and I know he has something more to say. “I came over last night as soon as I heard…” His voice trails off, and I realize how I got to bed.

Suddenly, sitting on his lap is awkward. I slide off and sit beside him, dropping my head into my hands.

“I went out earlier to pick up breakfast and coffee. I’ll give you a few minutes.” Dante stands and walks toward the door.

I draw in a stuttered breath and wipe my eyes. “I-I’ll b-be down in a few,” I say, rising to my feet.

He turns back and crosses the small space between us. When we’re inches apart, he opens his arms and tugs me into his chest. I try to swallow past the lump in my throat as my arms encircle his waist. He securely holds me against him, wordlessly stroking my hair, and I can’t stop the tears.

When he finally speaks, he says, “We’ll get through this, Tessa, I promise.” I sniffle, and he holds me closer and whispers, “I’ve got you. You don’t have to do this on your own.”

I don’t see how I’m supposed to get through this. To keep breathing when the very foundation of my entire world has dropped from beneath me.

Without responding, I let his words hang in the air and step out of his embrace. There is a softness in Dante’s normally intense stare. He walks away, and I gather my clothes before heading into the en suite bathroom. After I turn on the shower, I strip out of my pajamas.

The bathroom mirror fogs from the rising heat, and my reflection in the glass vanishes. There one minute and then…gone.

Just like Trevor.

I step beneath the water. The nearly too-hot spray stings, but I don’t adjust the temperature. I’m driven by the need to feel something besides overwhelming grief. The torrent camouflages the tears streaming down my cheeks. I move through the motions on autopilot—my hair first and then my body. The bottle of Trevor’s shower gel draws my attention. I reach for it, open the top, and squeeze it into my hand, inhaling his spicy sandalwood scent.

And it hits me. He’ll never hold me in his arms again. We won’t stroll through the city streets, hand in hand, or dance in Grant Park during Lollapalooza. There will be no more birthdays or holidays or ordinary days.

The heaviness of grief takes on a presence of its own. Loud sobs wrench from my throat, and I cover my mouth to suppress the sound. No longer able to stand under the weight of my despair, I fall to my knees and weep until the water runs cold.

In the blink of an eye, my whole world changed. And, for the life of me, I can’t remember how to draw air into my lungs.