Chapter 3
Grant Newman
Twenty minutes after that, I’m good and buzzed off the tequila. Well, maybe beyond buzzed…maybe drunk. It’s going down so smoothly, which I guess is what happens when you pay for the expensive stuff instead of my usual generic crap, and with every sip I feel myself becoming more and more comfortable with this news.
So he likes me. So what? Anyone could like anyone. They are not in control of their emotions, at least consciously. I would never hold that against him. Sure, I’m such a mess that I have no idea why anyone would like me in the first place, but I won’t get weird about it. As I said, anyone can like anyone else. I learned that watching my brother struggle to come to terms with his sexuality his whole life. He didn’t choose to feel what he felt inside, and neither did Eric. It just…happened.
But still…why?
“Can I ask you something?” I say soon, and he looks wary. “Oh, nothing weird or probing, but…why would you like me?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, why would you like me? Why would anyone like me? I’ve spent the last few months obsessing over a girl who probably doesn’t even care about me. I’ll admit it now. You were right about that – I can see it now, somehow. But still, what is there about me that anyone would like?”
“Number one,” he says after a pause, “stop talking like that. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”
“Really?”
“Let me finish! But also…that’s exactly what someone would like about you. Your fire. You feel things so deeply. It was admirable, the way you loved her, even when she made it difficult. If you love like that once, you’ll do it again. It’s very attractive, actually.”
“Really? My craziness is attractive?”
“You’re not crazy. And of course your heart is attractive. Anyone would want to be loved like that. Why do you think I exploded back there? I was jealous. I want that, too, someday. Maybe not with you, necessarily, but…with someone. Nobody’s ever loved me like that.”
I think back and realize that he has almost no romantic history – not that I can recall noticing, at least. In all this time I never noticed a girlfriend, a dating life, anything. Why did I never think about that? Why did I never ask?
“Another question,” I say soon. “Are you…have you ever…”
“Hooked up with guys?” he laughs. “Yes, and it’s much better than with girls. Guys are just more sexual, in my experience. They want sex more. Whereas with girls, they just tolerate sex. But guys love it.”
My dick throbs for some reason. That’s interesting, and I never looked at it that way. He was right – up until Ella, who was basically a nymphomaniac, I never had a girl who actually seemed to enjoy sex. They’d put it off until it was convenient for them.
“So guys love sex, eh?” I ask, the tequila making my mind run in all sorts of directions. “Interesting…does that include you?”
He blushes so hard I can see it in the blue-violet light from the roaring Jacuzzi. “I mean, I usually jack off three times a day, and scheduling it around your presence has been kind of hard. Especially since…”
“Since what?” I ask, and he swallows.
“Since it was you I was masturbating to, most of the time.”
I gulp. I wasn’t ready for that, but then again I didn’t really mind it. Actually, for whatever reason I’m harder than ever…
“So let me ask,” I say soon. “How did these…feelings…fit into being in the frat?”
He leans back. “I mean, it was difficult, I can’t lie. So many of the guys are into the whole ‘alpha male,’ ‘I’m a guy and you’re a girl,’ ‘guys do this and girls do that’ thing. Their ideas of the world are very…rigid. So I just had to hide it. But then again, a lot of the others guys seem like they wouldn’t care at all. But yeah, I would say that a fraternity house is not exactly the best atmosphere for someone like me, no.”
“Then why did you join?”
“Mostly because my dad was a legacy, and because up until recently, I let my world make all of my own decisions for me. But not anymore. I’m on my own now.”
I just think for a long time. My mind keeps going in one direction, and I don’t know how to feel about it. Soon I can’t resist.
“So tell me,” I begin. “What else is good about hooking up with guys?”
He gets this dreamy, miles-away look. “Oh, everything. Everything. Their bodies, their smells, their physicality…like I said, they love sex. And who knows what guys like better than another guy?”
“What does dick taste like?” I blurt out before I can stop myself.
“Um…skin, and salt, and something else I can’t really describe. A very sexual, human smell.”
“Interesting…”
“Look,” he says soon, “I’m not going to be your first gay bestie or anything. I shouldn’t have even mentioned anything…”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that. In fact, I’m kind of…curious.”
“You are? Curious about what?”
I think for a long time. Honestly, I can’t recall ever being explicitly attracted to him. But at the same time, the last few months have been torture. I hate myself for every time I text Ella out of desperation, and get no response. I despise myself for every time I get lonely and call her, only to have her send it to voicemail. She only sees me when she has nothing else to do, and everything is on her terms. So to have someone, anyone, shower me with affection in this way is more than a little appealing – regardless of the sender of that affection. It still makes me feel like Ella never did – like I am wanted. Needed.
Maybe even loved…
“Look,” I say when I’m ready. “I’m a little thrown, but at the same time, I feel bad that I never noticed this. So what do you say we, I don’t know…explore?”
“Really? You mean that?”
“I mean…why not? Lord knows I’m lonely and a little desperate. And you…well, you’re attracted to guys. What if I gave you the reins for a night and let you do what you wanted, and I can decide how I feel about it when we’re done?”
“Like I said, I don’t want to be anyone’s experiment…”
“And you’re not. Think of it as…one night of freedom. And teaching. Also…”
“Yeah?”
I laugh to myself and look away. “I was diagnosed with mild anxiety and depression last time I went home to see my parents, and I might’ve taken half a Xanax this afternoon, and right now I don’t really give a fuck about anything, anyway.”
“Oh, great, so I’m just some fun while you’re in your druggie haze.”
“Hey! I’m prescribed this stuff. And it’s not like that. Let’s just take advantage of my bravery while my barriers are down. What do you say?”
He deliberates. Then he reaches over and swallows the last of the tequila. Finally he turns to me, a look of wild passion on his face. “It looks like we’re going to have a fun night.”