Chapter 17
SALIMA WAS COASTING on the excitement of her recital all weekend. Lucianna called to tell her again how fantastic she had been. Blaise sent Lucianna two dozen red roses to thank her, and two dozen pink ones to Salima, and all of them were in high spirits. They went to the park on Saturday, and out to dinner in the West Village, at a noisy new place Salima had heard about that was full of young people. And the three of them celebrated all over again. And on Sunday, Salima and Becky went out, to the park for a concert, and Blaise finally got some time to unpack from her trip. There were clothes lying all over her room and she looked disheveled in a big white shirt, bare feet, and jeans, with her bright red hair flying loose after she’d washed it that morning. She was trying to make order out of chaos when the doorbell rang, right after they left. She thought it was Salima and Becky, having forgotten something and left their key in the apartment, since the doorman didn’t call from downstairs to announce a guest.
Blaise pulled the front door open with a smile, expecting to see the girls. “Forget your key, ladies?” she teased them, and found herself looking at Simon in khaki slacks and a white shirt, with a blazer over his arm. She had no idea what to say when she saw him. It was like opening a door and seeing a ghost. And he could see it on her face, as she went suddenly pale.
“Oh … I’m sorry … I thought it was the girls. What are you doing here, and why didn’t they announce you downstairs?” Blaise said. She wasn’t angry, just surprised, and she was so stunned, she didn’t invite him to come in. They just stood there in the doorway, staring at each other, and Blaise felt a wave of emotion wash over her, which she tried to conceal. But Simon had seen a glimpse of it in her eyes.
“I guess the doorman still thinks I live here, or likes me or something….” Simon looked at her with gentle eyes. “Are you busy, or can I come in?” he asked cautiously, not sure if she would let him.
“Sorry, yes … to both … I’m busy, and you can come in. I just got back from France on Friday. I was unpacking.” And she was still awash with the good feelings of Friday night.
“I hear Salima’s performance was a smash hit,” Simon said as he followed Blaise into the familiar hall and then into the living room where she led him. They had sat there before, though very rarely. It felt too formal to him. He preferred hanging out in the kitchen with her, her home office, or her bedroom. But he was an outsider now, he didn’t live there. Blaise tried not to think of it as they sat down. She had no idea why he’d come, except maybe to see Salima, which she couldn’t help thinking was presumptuous of him, without even calling first to ask if he could. It seemed unlike him. He was generally better behaved.
“She was fantastic,” Blaise said with a smile. “I suppose you’ve come to see her. She and Becky just went out. That’s why I thought you were them. I don’t think they’ll be back for a while.” She was treating him like a guest or an old friend, not a man she had once loved, and still did.
“I came to see you,” he said quietly. “And I apologize for not calling first. I was afraid if I did, you wouldn’t see me.” He was right, she wouldn’t have, she thought to herself, but she didn’t say it to him, she just nodded.
“When did you get back to New York?” she asked politely.
“Last night. We had commencement yesterday. I’m through at Caldwell. I wanted to see you in person. I apologize for my silence. I know it was wrong not to at least e-mail you. I just had to work things out, and it took time. I didn’t want to call you until I sorted it out. All of it,” he said, looking her in the eye. He was as direct and honest with her as he had always been.
“You don’t need to apologize, Simon,” she said softly, and looked away. “I knew it was over when you left. I guess it was foolish of me to think it could work with us. I know now it couldn’t, but it took me a while to realize it and accept it. I hope everything worked out well for you.” She was trying to be gracious, but she really didn’t want to hear the details about Megan. It would have hurt too much, even now. Especially now, with the baby.
“Things worked out the way they were meant to. I really questioned if I wanted to stay in this kind of work. Eric and I talked a lot about it. He thinks I have a gift, so I took the job at the Institute for Special Education for the fall. Eric thought it would be a good fit. He was great. It was really time for me to move on to something bigger. And I didn’t want to just take a job because of you. I had to do it for myself, and make sure this is the career I want. I know that now. I had some doubts about it for a while.” The school for the blind he was referring to was in New York.
“What else would you have done?” She was startled to hear that he had considered other lines of work, and would have given this one up. Eric was right. He had a gift. And Salima and countless others were proof of that. Even her singing studies were thanks to him. He had made both their lives better while he was there, even with his soufflés. She smiled at the memory of the time they’d shared, and their brief affair.
“I thought about opening a restaurant. Or working in one, if I couldn’t afford my own. I mean a great restaurant, like La Grenouille. I’ve never done anything with the training I have, except for friends.” He smiled at her. “I have a gift for that too, and I had a secret dream of being a chef. I’ve put that away for now, but at least I’m clear about it, and it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice. I’m excited about the new job. I outgrew Caldwell a while ago.”
“I thought so too,” she agreed, surprised by what he was saying. She had never realized that he was serious about being a chef. She thought he was just having fun. But he was very good at that too. He was a man of many talents.
“And I’ve always wanted to live in France and work in my uncle’s vineyards. I think the wine business is fascinating. I was thinking about moving to Bordeaux. But I decided not to do that either. Actually, my uncle was less enthused about it than I was. I worked for him for two summers in my teens, and I almost burned the place down once with fireworks. He was afraid I’d screw up his business and burn down the château.” He grinned and she laughed.
“Well, you certainly had some interesting options. And you can always do either of those later, the restaurant, and the family wine business. But it sounds like you made the right choice for now.” It hurt looking at him and making idle conversation. She hoped it didn’t show. He was as beautiful and appealing as ever.
“I hope so,” he said about his career decision, looking very young. The age difference between them seemed vast to Blaise now, and she felt foolish for ever thinking he’d want a life with her. He hadn’t even figured out what he wanted to be when he grew up, and was only just beginning to. He needed a woman his age to go in different directions and try things out with him. Her life was already established and not as fluid and flexible as his. “And I can always work as a sous chef somewhere on weekends if I want. It might be fun. And the family business isn’t going anywhere. My mother thought I’d hate living in Bordeaux. She couldn’t wait to leave when she was young. I’m going over this summer for a few weeks to visit family at the end of June.” She knew he spoke French fluently, which made it easy for him. It was a real advantage she didn’t have when she was there.
“I just came back from the South of France, the Cannes Film Festival and the Monaco Grand Prix. It’s always crazy, but I love it there,” she said, keeping things light.
“What are you doing this summer?” he asked her. His eyes never left hers for an instant. And he looked as though he wanted to say something else, but didn’t dare.
“We’re trying to decide between Cape Cod, the Vineyard, and the Hamptons.” He nodded. They sounded like reasonable choices for her and Salima and a nice vacation for them.
“And Becky worked out well,” he confirmed. He could tell Salima liked her, from her texts, and she had reported that her mother did too.
“Very. She’s not exciting but she’s very sweet, and they’re like two kids together. I think Salima has taught her more than she’s taught Salima. But it seems to work. And she’s very responsible when I’m gone.” She didn’t say that it was nothing like when he was there. There was no point. Nothing in her life was the same without him, and wouldn’t be again, but she didn’t want to look back, only forward. They both had to move on, and he already had. And she had something important to look forward to now too. He had mentioned looking for an apartment in New York, and she assumed it was for him, Megan, and her three boys.
“Blaise, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about how confused I was when I left—” She stopped him before he could say more.
“That’s all over, Simon. We don’t need to talk about it.” And she didn’t want to. Just seeing him was painful enough.
“After a while, I figured if I called, you’d hang up on me. And I didn’t want to write an e-mail. I wanted to come and see you and talk to you myself. But I couldn’t leave Caldwell till now. I got here last night, so I came to see you today.” He had walked around all morning before he did, trying to decide what to say to her, and how.
“It doesn’t matter,” she said gently.
“It does to me. It all matters. How I left, what happened when I got there, you have a right to know.”
“You look happy,” she said, trying not to remember how much she’d loved him, or that his son was in her belly, which he didn’t know and couldn’t see, but she would tell him later, in four more months. “I’m fine too. You gave us enormous gifts while you were here, both of us. You gave Salima independence, which is an incredible gift. And what we shared was wonderful. But some things aren’t meant to last. What we had didn’t. Let’s leave it there. You have Megan, and a new job to look forward to. You have a lot of life ahead of you, and I’m happy as I am.” She was trying to convince both him and herself as she said it, and he shook his head with a pained expression. He could see in her eyes how much he had hurt her.
“I left Megan three days after I got back to Caldwell.” He was staring at her intensely as he said it. “And I found out everything I needed to know. I can’t be with a woman that dishonest, even if she did leave Jack for me in the end. I don’t think she did. She left him for herself, which was the right thing to do. But that doesn’t obligate me to spend my life with her. I couldn’t. I’d have been miserable with her. I knew it after the first dinner I had with her. Nothing happened with Megan, Blaise. I wasn’t clear about it until I saw her, and then it was crystal clear. I wasn’t in love with her anymore. I was in love with you, and I still am. You may not want me anymore, and I don’t blame you if you feel that way, after four months of silence. But I needed to know more than that. I wanted to come back to you with a job I’m excited about, to know that I could bring something to the table other than truffle pasta and cheese soufflé. And I needed to be sure about one other thing, and I am. I wanted to be sure that I don’t care about having children, so I wouldn’t regret it later. I don’t need to have babies. I’d rather be with Salima and you. I love you, Blaise.” She saw all the pain he’d been through, and it was mirrored by her own, but they had both come out of it better people, whatever happened now. “I love you, and I don’t expect you to take me back. I just wanted you to know it, and that I wasn’t wasting my time for these four months. I was quiet because I needed to know how I really felt, about everything. I grew up. Maybe too late for you, but I did. And if you’re happy now, I’m glad. I can’t imagine the pain I must have caused you for the past four months while I was growing up.” She sat looking at him for a long time, and she wasn’t sure what to say. They had each grown and moved on, and had wound up in a different place. It was ironic, and she smiled at him.
“What made you decide to give up having kids?” she asked him.
“Because I love you more than any child, and I’d rather be with you. I wanted to be sure that I was okay about giving that up, and I am. I understand why you don’t want them, and I’m fine with it.” He had come to all the right conclusions, the ones she had hoped to hear, but he had arrived a little late.
“It’s strange how life works. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking too. I came to kind of a crossroads in March when I had to make a big decision, one of those life-changing moments when what you decide will affect the rest of your life. And I landed in the opposite place you did. I wish you had told me about Megan, by the way. It might have helped. I made all my decisions based on the assumption that you were back with her for good. It would have been nice to know you ended it with her after three days.” It would have spared her a lot of pain and suffering, but he hadn’t called. He hadn’t been ready for her yet, and maybe it was for the best, she realized now. Because she had made the right choice for herself, not for them, or him.
“I’m sorry,” he said humbly. “So what decision did you make in March?” A chill ran down his spine as he wondered if she was involved with someone else now, someone she loved more than him, maybe someone her own age who was more mature. He thought she looked more beautiful than ever, and wondered if that was why. “Are you involved with someone now, in a serious way?” His heart nearly stopped while he waited for the answer, and she nodded. He closed his eyes for a moment when she did. “I was such a fool,” he said softly, and then looked at her again with deep regret.
“Maybe I was too. I expected you to know all the answers immediately, because I thought I did. We both had some growing up to do. You were smarter than I was about that. And I’m not involved with someone the way you think I am, although it’s very serious and very long term. Forever actually. I came to a different conclusion than you did about having babies. I decided that I want to have another child.” She looked peaceful as she said it.
He looked shocked. “When did you decide that?” She waited an eternity before she answered, while he could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He looked at her, and she looked no different, except even lovelier than before, and all he wanted was to take her in his arms.
“I decided it when I found out I was pregnant with your baby, a little boy.” He looked like he’d been shot out of a cannon as he stared at her.
“Why didn’t you tell me? When did that happen?”
“In January apparently. I found out at the end of February. I thought you were with Megan, and had made your decision, so I decided not to tell you until the baby was born. I always planned to tell you then. But I didn’t want to impose on you, or intrude while I was pregnant.” He looked like he was going to cry when she said it, and he moved closer to where she sat.
“Does Salima know?” He was horrified that he had known nothing about it, and hadn’t been there for her.
“Not yet. I’ll have to tell her soon, though, probably by next month. She knows how much I love you. She’ll be okay with it. I haven’t told anyone until you right now. I decided it was a gift, and I accepted the gift. That’s what I decided in March.”
“How could you not tell me and do this all by yourself?” There was accusation in his voice as well as guilt. What if she had never told him? He would have been deprived of his son, and her.
“You didn’t need to know before he was born if you were with Megan, or whoever else. You can have visitation and see him whenever you want. He’s your son too.” As he sat next to her, he put a gentle hand on her white shirt, and felt the baby move. He looked at Blaise with tears in his eyes.
“I don’t deserve you, but I love you so much. When are you having him?”
“End of September, beginning of October. I’ll call you the minute he comes,” she promised, and Simon looked heartbroken as he sat next to her.
“Is it over for you, with us, I mean?”
“In some ways, it’s just beginning, with him. We have a lot of years ahead of us to share this child. If nothing else, we can be friends, and should be for his sake.” She was at peace about it.
“I want more than that, Blaise. I want what we had before”—he sounded determined as he said it—“even if I was an idiot and didn’t deserve you, probably still don’t, and maybe never will.” He looked at her humbly and she shook her head and smiled.
“I’m not sure I deserved you.” She smiled. “I’m too old for you, too settled in my life. I know what I want and who I am, you reminded me of that, to never forget who I am. I did forget, for a long time, with Andrew, and even with you. All I wanted was to be with you, at any price. I wanted to forget how old I was, how young you are, the difference in our ages, where we were in our lives. You left because you wanted Megan. You thought you wanted someone your own age, and you were right. You don’t need someone like me.”
“I loved her the way you loved Andrew, even though he was wrong for you. You got taken in by him. Megan fooled me. She has no integrity, no soul, no heart. You are everything I want and I’ve been looking for all my life, and I don’t give a damn how old you are. You’re young enough to be having my baby, so don’t give me that.” And with that, he took her in his arms and kissed her, and her head swam as he did. She wanted to forget all the reasons why it didn’t seem right to her anymore, but she wasn’t sure she could.
“Besides, your mother would kill you,” she said after they kissed, and he laughed.
“I don’t care what she thinks. After pretending to be so bohemian all her life, she turns out to be a lot more bourgeois than she thinks. You and I love each other. That’s all. No time. No years. No age. It worked when we were together. And now we have a baby. Blaise, give us a chance. Please. It won’t be perfect. Nothing ever is. But let’s try, for all three of our sakes, and even Salima. I didn’t even know about the baby, and I came here today to tell you how much I love you, on the off, crazy, wonderful chance that you still love me too and are nuts enough to try again.”
“I do love you,” she said, smiling at him. “I never stopped, especially once I knew about the baby.”
“Well, then?”
“And what happens when some young girl comes along in two or ten or twenty years, and you fall in love with her?”
“You’re the only woman I want. Now and in twenty years. Fifty years. I didn’t come back for the baby I didn’t even know about. I came back for you.” She didn’t answer him, and he kissed her again, and she could feel all the hurt of the past four months slipping away from her and disappearing into the mist. He pulled her to her feet then and put his arms around her. “I love you. I will always love you. No matter how old you are.” What he was saying was what she had wanted to hear, what she had hoped he would come back to say, even when she told him to leave. It was what she had wanted from Andrew, and Harry before that. And Simon was the only man who had ever said it, and been there for the right reasons. He was there for her, not the trappings, or the stardom, or her job. He only wanted her.
“You know we’re crazy if we do this. I’m fifteen years older than you are. When I’m fifty, you’ll be thirty-five. When I’m sixty, you’ll be forty-five and still gorgeous.”
“It’s okay, I may have been an idiot for the past four months, but I can count. And I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks or says, except you and Salima. To hell with everyone else. I’ve never found anyone like you, and I know I never will again. I’m not willing to give that up.”
“Neither am I,” she said softly, as she looked up at him and smiled. They were there because they loved each other truly and profoundly, and she knew that now, and so did he. There were no doubts, no questions that needed to be answered. There were just the two of them, solidly on their path. He was smiling at her, and he had never been so sure of anything in his life, and so was she.