Chapter 9
IT TOOK SIMON a whole day to calm down after his parents’ visit, which was what his mother always did to him. And Blaise kept telling him that it was fine. She said his mother wasn’t a vicious woman, just an outspoken one, and there had been no harm done.
But he made a superb dinner that night to thank her, chateaubriand and asparagus with hollandaise. And after Salima went to her room, he talked about his mother again.
“She actually asked me if I was gay when I was in college, because I’d never introduced her to a girlfriend, but she’s so outrageous, I was afraid to,” he said, sipping the wine he had bought to go with the dinner, to atone for his mother’s sins. He had been apologizing for her all his life, and should have been used to it by then, but he wasn’t. He still looked embarrassed and contrite.
“What convinced her otherwise?” Blaise asked with a look of amusement.
“I slept with the daughters of all her friends to reassure her,” he said, and Blaise laughed.
“I guess that would do it,” she said, with no need to be convinced.
“I was thinking about what my mother said today, about our having an affair.”
“She would kill you if we did.” Blaise was clear on that concept also. And his mother had made it clear the night before. She thought Blaise was too old for him, and Blaise thought so too.
“I told you, your age is irrelevant. But what could I ever give you, what could I add to your life? You have everything, a fabulous career, every material thing you’ve ever wanted. I couldn’t support you on what I make. You have Salima. And what do I have? Nothing.” He sounded sad as he said it. He had thought about it all day, and the night before.
“You have you,” Blaise said simply. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted from anyone. I’ve never been dependent on any man in my life. All I’ve ever wanted from a man is for him to love me. I don’t need anything else. You’ve already improved my life immeasurably. You worry about me, take care of me, feed me. You’re wonderful to Salima. You care how my day was, you ask me how I am and want to know. That’s more than I’ve ever had from any man, even the ones I was married to. I’m not worried about what you can give me. Everything you are is a gift, and you already are just as a friend. And I’m not suggesting we have an affair. But if we did, the real problem is what I can’t give you. Or probably not at this point. I have Salima, as you just said. And I’m sure you want children. I’m too old to have another one. Technically, I could, but probably not without some assistance. But I’m too old to do that again. And going through Salima being diagnosed with juvenile diabetes was so traumatic that I’d never want to try again. And no one should deprive you of that. You need to be with a woman who’ll give you babies. That rules me out as an option, no matter what your mother thinks we’re doing.”
“I’ve always wanted one or two,” he admitted. “Not four like my brother, which seems like too many for me. But two would be nice. Or one great one. But I have to admit, I’d be sad not to have any at all.” He was being honest with her, but she already knew it.
“That’s my point. I may be crazy, but I’ve been feeling some weird stuff between us lately. Some kind of electrical current. But I’m not an option in a real sense. You need someone to give you kids. That’s not me.” He nodded sadly as she said it. He had suspected that was how she felt about it, especially after Salima. That whole experience had been too scary. And she never wanted to go through it again.
“Why are we talking about this?” he asked, looking at her. “And by the way, I’ve felt that same current you have. A couple of times, I’ve almost said something, but I was afraid you’d say that I’m crazy. Something’s been happening between us, Blaise. I know it and so do you. We can’t ignore it forever. Maybe my mother isn’t as crazy as she looks. I want to put my arms around you now every time I see you.” He was keeping his voice down so Salima didn’t hear him, and so was she. What they were talking about had been building for weeks. And Simon wanted to get it on the table. Blaise knew it was hopeless between them because of his wanting kids, and that seemed fair to her. He deserved to have them. But not with her.
“So that’s it?” Simon looked at her, upset. “There’s no chance for us because you don’t want kids? How dumb is that?”
“It’s not dumb. You want kids,” she insisted. “I don’t. I have the only one I want.”
“Is that nonnegotiable?” he asked her, as though they were making a deal. But there was no deal to be made with her.
“Yes, it is nonnegotiable. I’m sure.” She was quiet but firm about it. “We shouldn’t even be talking about this,” Blaise said softly. But suddenly it was all out in the open, and part of her was glad it was. She had been beginning to think she was crazy. Suddenly, she was feeling attracted to him. But she knew him so well now that it had evolved from the friendship they’d been building since they met. “All we can ever be is friends. Or you’ll break my heart when you go off with someone young to have babies. It’s better to stop it now, whatever the underlying feelings are, and just be friends.”
“Are you sure that’s a decision? Don’t these things just happen?”
“No, they don’t.” Blaise’s eyes flashed at him. “That’s how we both got hurt before. You make decisions in life. You stay away from something that’s wrong, or isn’t what you want. I’m a forty-seven-year-old woman who doesn’t want kids. You want them, and should have them. I don’t even know if I’d get pregnant again, without a lot of help, or at all. And you’d always be disappointed not to have children. Simon, I can’t do that to you.”
“Stop talking,” he said to her angrily. “You’re not negotiating a contract with the network. And I don’t give a damn how old you are, or if you want kids or not. I love you. I love your mind, your heart, your values, the way you think. I love how kind you are, your integrity. You’re everything I want, and all that I believe in. I don’t care if you get pregnant or not. Blaise … I love you.” And without saying another word, he took her in his arms and kissed her and the roof fell in and then exploded outward and all she saw was sky as he held her in his arms. She kissed him for what felt like an eternity, and when she looked at him, she knew that everything she’d been saying didn’t matter, what he had to offer, the babies he wouldn’t have with her. They loved each other, and there was nothing else to say. He held her face in his hands and looked at her after he kissed her, and then he kissed her again. And when he stopped, they were both smiling. And Blaise knew that what his mother had said was true. She was in love with him. And he was in love with her too, no matter how impossible it was, or how old she was, or how young he was. They loved each other. It was all they knew. And the rest remained to be seen.