Seven
How to make a man lose his mind
“That jackass Stetson wouldn’t know a killer if one hit him between the eyes,” Martha commented.
I’d made my way back to Maxine’s, not that I was following Max’s orders mind you, it just seemed like the safest place to be. I’d just informed Lucy, Frank, Martha and Maxine of Curly’s demise, and my subsequent five minutes in the back of a police car. After the initial shock had worn off, Maxine got up, pulled out five beers, and put them on the table. We each grabbed one as Maxine raised hers and said “To Curly, the kindest man this side of the tundra.” We all clinked our bottles together and drank deep remembering the man.
Then the “who would kill Curly’s” began.
Our conclusion, based on the fact the murders were the same, he must have seen something he shouldn’t and was killed to keep him quiet.
We sat in silence, each one of us reflecting I supposed on the loss of life the past two days, and in my case, who the hell was doing it.
“Where do we go from here?” Lucy asked, “If we keep pushing to go back up the mountain, will others die?”
“Stetson's sure I'm the killer, he won't look for the real one until he is convinced otherwise. We have a responsibility to this town not to push if it threatens people’s lives.”
“Christ, we’ll lose five years of research,” Frank mumbled.
“Better to lose the research than anyone else loses their life,” I told him.
“If Stetson ain’t gonna pull his head out of his ass, I guess we’ll have to find the killer ourselves,” Martha stated out of the blue.
Surprised by her comment, I questioned her sanity.
“Are you nuts? We aren’t looking for the killer.”
“Not look for the killer, look for evidence. If Stetson doesn't ask around, because he’s convinced it’s you, then I don’t see any harm in us asking. Someone might have seen someone on up Grizzly Pointe yesterday,” Maxine jumped in.
“Maxine, whoever this is they’ve killed two people, one an old man. He or she won’t hesitate to kill you or Martha if he finds out you’re asking questions,” I pointed out.
“Missy, at my age, I could die in my sleep. I don’t give a rat’s ass about dying, but I do care about this town. If this person keeps on killin’ my friends, you might as well kill me. Stetson isn’t gonna do shit so I’ll do what I can to help get you back on Grizzly Pointe,” Martha vowed.
“Count me in, Martha. We can start in the morning,” Maxine told her.
Frank and I bugged our eyes out at each other, thinking these old ladies were nuts, but Lucy had a different opinion. She stood suddenly and announced, “I’m in I can knock on doors.”
“Lucy, none of you should—”
“Count me in too, I’m not about to let you ladies take a risk like this without my muscles for backup,” Frank interrupted and my eyes shot to his. He shrugged, said, “We got nothin’ better to do with our time and I don’t think you can stop them, Mia. Better to tag along and keep them safe than to sit back and worry.”
Then all eyes were on me.
“Fine, but I highly suggest you don’t tell your son what we’re up too. After the ass-chewing I received today, I’m steering clear of him for the rest of my life.”
“You just gotta know how to handle him. I’ll explain the complexity that is Max while we cook.”
“I don’t need to know anything that is Max.”
“I’d say last night says otherwise.”
“That was the alcohol.”
“That was my son. Are you sayin’ you’re not interested?”
“I’m sayin’ I’m here to do work and then go home.”
“Well, see,” she mumbled.
“Okay, now that that’s settled,” Martha chuckled, “we need to get crackin’ on the rest of the refreshments. Who wants to help me make my famous cock n’ balls?”
Lucy and I nodded with enthusiasm as Frank stood and announced, “That’s my cue to leave,” as headed towards the great room.
“The key to these is to use enough dough that you can make nice big balls on the side. The ladies love bitin’ into them,” Martha chuckled.
Just like that, we moved on from the killings and on to, well, sex. I’ll be honest though, the whole time we worked to get the house ready for the party, I expected the police to show and haul me away in handcuffs. In addition, after the lecture I received from Max I expected him to drop by as well. Thankfully, he had a business to run and didn’t have time to follow me home and chew on me again (Note to self: Never call brooding males when you’re in trouble.)
The next few hours we rolled, shaped, froze, and decorated for the evening’s festivities. This month’s theme, “Cockzilla,” the strap-on penis to put all other strap-on penises to shame, or is that penes?
Anyhow, Martha and Maxine had just received a new shipment and the ladies of Trails End were chomping at the bit to get a hold of one of these bad boys. According to Martha, the ever-growing sixty-plus crowd in town was looking for ways to spice up their sex life. Or in some cases have one. Again, according to Martha, men over a certain age have a hard time getting it up and keeping it up. In addition, if they did “get it up,” they couldn’t keep it there long enough to please their significant others. Therefore, the “Cockzilla” comes in handy..
Once the food was prepared, we set the table with an assortment of gels and edibles that helped enhance your sex life. As we arranged the items, Maxine handed us a box saying it was “Party favors.” Inside were individually boxed vibrators that glowed in the dark. Green Willie’s, made of PVC jelly, had a seven-inch long by one and a quarter inch wide dong, with multi-speed vibration. It was soft, pliable, and easy to use on all parts of your body the packaging said. It took two double-A batteries to operate the vibration and power its magical glow and that it was sure to please even the most discriminating men and women. Again, so the packaging said.
“Here,” Maxine mumbled as she pulled two out and handed them to Lucy and me. “They’re easy to find in the dark.”
“Thanks,” we both answered.
One could say that Lucy and I teetered most of the day between thinking this was the coolest shit we’d ever seen and wanting to laugh. I mean, two women in their late sixties, running a sex toy business was beyond cool, but you had to admit there was an element of humor. In addition, when you threw Max into the mix, with all his rumbling and brooding, the fact his mother sold sex toys ratcheted up the comical to damn near hysterical. That being said, we had to know.
“Maxine, I’m curious, what does Max think of your side business?”
“He ignores its existence, of course. When his father died ten years ago, I was still in my sexual prime. Kids, especially boys, don’t like to think their mothers are sexual creatures. I wasn’t dead yet and I knew I’d never remarry, so I looked for quality toys and found them with a company that sold them through home parties. I figured, what the hell, why not sell them. I needed somethin’ to keep me busy now that Tom was gone. Martha was intrigued—her husband gone as well—so she jumped on board and we’ve been the Passion Queens for about eight years now. As for Max, he knows better than to think he can stop me from doing what I want. He just grumbles if it’s brought up and walks away,” she laughed.
“What’s Mad Max’s story?” Lucy asked.
“Max? He’s just like me. He doesn’t like to admit it, though. He's stubborn, likes to run things, bossy, I guess you could say. Wants what he wants, won’t settle for anything less and as hard a working man as you’ll ever meet. My husband, God bless him, was the opposite. Just as laid-back, as the day was long and rolled with the punches. Max, on the other hand, likes order, control, doesn’t like surprises. I imagine that’s why he’s been so irritable. You blew into town and he’s lost control,” she explained, looking right at me.
“His number was in my phone, I didn’t mean to involve him,” I lied, “I dialed him by accident.”
“Oh, I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about the fact he’s barking orders at everyone where you’re concerned. He’s never done that before. And seein’ the hold he had you in last night explains his behavior the last few days.”
“Hold? Somebody left out some details this morning,” Lucy accused.
“It was nothing,” I assured Lucy, “and it won’t happen again. I’m here to do my work and then go back home that’s all.”
“We’ll see,” Maxine mumbled, “but I know my son, darlin’ and what Max wants, Max gets, just so you know.”
“Not this time,” I mumbled.
Maxine’s smile grew and then she patted my arms as she turned to leave the room.
“I’m not looking for a relationship,” I somewhat lied.
She turned back, grinning, and told me “Even better, Max loves a challenge.”
“Oh, she’ll be challenging all right,” Lucy chuckled following Maxine. “Hey, what can you tell me about Jake?” she inquired as they left me standing with a green jelly vibrator and an uneasy feeling.
“Swear to God this trip keeps getting weirder and weirder,” I told the room.
“Thesaurus,” Frank replied as he passed by, heading towards the kitchen.
“What?”
“Never mind, if I have to explain it’s not funny. Trust me, it’s funny,” he replied over his shoulder.
“Green Willies,” I shouted back.
Frank stopped, turned, and asked “What?”
I held up my glowing dong and wiggled it. “Definitely funny,” I chuckled and then turned, shoved it in my pack, and headed towards my room.
I came to Alaska to do research. Three days later, I was the only suspect in two murders and the proud owner of a Green Willie with three-speed vibration. Yes, I’d say my prediction this trip would be a disaster was coming to fruition. Time to make the phone call I’d been avoiding. I needed to inform my superiors that not only had Donald gone rogue and gotten himself killed for it, more than likely, all our research for the past five years was in jeopardy. At this rate, and the way my luck was going, I figured I’d be jobless by the end of the day.
“Oh, God, the peroxide twins are here,” I moaned as Maxine opened her door and let in the bimbos from the bar. So far, every woman I’d met since arriving in Trails End had attended, including the blonde who seemed on a more than friendly basis with Max.
Annie, as Maxine had introduced her, seemed nice enough, but it wasn’t lost on me if she was here and she and Max had a thing, then she was here to stock up for that thing.
And that made the almost kiss I had with Max the night before confusing.
If he had a relationship with her, then why was he almost kissing me? That didn’t say good things about him and it bothered me more than it should.
Lucy and I stayed on the outskirts watching everyone. There were young and old conversing, eating, handling toys, and laughing with each other. Unfortunately, since I’d been the one to find Curly, there were also questions concerning his murder.
When the twins caught sight of us, they made a beeline for me while sucking on one of Maxine’s penis suckers. Blonde number one bit into hers when she arrived and peppermint cream spilled out, running down her mouth like, well, you get the picture.
“Was Curly killed the same as the hippie?” blonde number two asked upon arrival.
“Mmm,” was all I said.
“I’m Suzy and this is Joanne by the way. Pete over at the diner said the chief arrested you, but he released you when Max came charging in and threatened the chief. So . . . are you fuckin’ him or what?”
“Whoa, you ladies don’t beat around the bush,” Lucy chuckled.
“Just bein’ friendly s’all, besides, I’d love to see someone knock Annie off her “Max is mine” pedestal,” Joanne informed us.
“Um, no, I’m not doing anything with Max.”
“So Max and Annie are an item?” Lucy asked, looking back at me.
“Only in her eyes! She lets Max think it’s just friendly swapping of spit, but everyone in town knows she’s holdin’ out for him, except Max, that is,” Suzy whispered.
“So they aren’t exclusive, they see other people,” Lucy inquired as I found my eyes drifting to Annie against my will.
“Max thinks they’re just friends. Annie is hoping for a gold band,” Suzy answered.
“He isn’t the type to settle down. Fair warning if you go there.” Annie’s warning from the day before ran through my head.
My eyes snapped back to Annie and I caught her watching me. I didn’t know whether to be relieved that he wasn’t the type of guy to settle down or disappointed he wasn’t the type of guy to settle down. I went with neither and resolved myself into staying away from him. It didn’t matter what he did or didn’t do with me or any other woman in this town I was here for a few weeks then going home.
“All right, let’s get started. Everyone please take a seat and we’ll begin the demonstration of Cockzilla,” Martha shouted to the room.
We made our way to our chairs and sat while Martha and Maxine pulled out the night's main attraction.
“Cockzilla can be used by either man or woman. It expands to fit a waist size up to sixty inches so you won’t have any trouble there, Jolene. Francis, you tell Ned it’s meant to be worn over his erection this time, we don’t want him hurting himself again,” Martha explained to members of the party.
I saw women nodding their heads as Maxine pulled out a rubber penis the size of an elephant. It was connected to a harness that wraps around your waist and between your legs. Maxine helped Martha into the strap-on and then Martha began parading around the room like a runway model. Women reached out to touch the rubber penis, commenting on its softness of texture and likeness to their husband’s former youth. When she made her way around the room to Lucy and me, I lowered my eyes to keep from laughing. The whole demonstration had me on the verge of hysterics, but I knew they took their work seriously, so I had to bite my tongue.
Then Maxine commented, “Now, the size of this particular model is on the large size so you ladies need to remember to lift your hips for full penetration.”
“What about from behind, Ned’s got a bad hip so he prefers standin,’” Francis, a plump woman with a cherub face and silver hair asked.
“Martha, let’s show the ladies,” Maxine jumped in.
Martha nodded and then headed towards her as women ducked from the protruding appendage. When Martha walked up to Maxine, she bent at the waist and put her hands on the side of her couch as Martha moved in behind her.
I grabbed Lucy’s hand for strength and we both coughed to cover a laugh that broke loose. Needing something to keep from laughing further, I grabbed two of the cock-o-late suckers and we both shoved them in our mouths.
“Tell Ned to bend at the knees, and then you lift your ass just so,” Martha explained to Francis.
Then Maxine lifted her ass, Martha bent at the knees, and I bit down on the sucker, the cream pouring out in an attempt to control my laughter.
As Francis replied, “Oh, I get it, it’s all in the knees,” the front door opened, slammed, and then a rumbling voice growled, “Jesus, what the fuck,”
Max, with a pale horrified look on his face, scanned the room as everyone called out “Hey, Max, how’s it going?”
As he took in the room and then took in his mother’s position, he looked as if he would roar in male indignation.
Then his eyes landed on mine.
I couldn’t help it, the cream was pouring out of my sucker so I had to do something. Therefore, I licked the length of the chocolate cock as he watched. Okay, I may have closed my eyes a bit and moaned at the tasty goodness, but who wouldn’t?
Max’s jaw clenched as he watched my tongue slide down the length of it and then back up. Then he bit out “Fuck me,” as he turned and was gone, slamming the door on his way out.
Maxine started laughing, hell, we all started laughing as Martha hooted, “And that, ladies, is how to make a man lose his mind.”
Somehow, after the party ended, Lucy and I found ourselves in the Jeep following Suzy and Joanne to Last Call for a drink. As we entered, heads turned but no applause was heard. It seemed everyone was here in silent remembrance of Curly.
The four of us headed to the bar and took a seat. Ralph Potter, who I now knew, was Curly’s cousin, made his way over and stopped in front of me. I looked up and gave him a sad smile as he leaned in and asked, “Did he suffer?”
“No, I don’t think so. I’m so sorry, Ralph.”
“He lived a good life and he’d get a kick out of knowin’ he was the center of a murder investigation,” he chuckled.
Reaching below the bar, Ralph pulled out shot glasses and put one in front of me, filling it with tequila. Then he poured one for himself, raised it, and I picked up my own.
“To Curly, the blindest pilot this side of the tundra.”
We threw back our drinks, slammed down the glass and then he pulled out more glasses for Lucy and the twins, filling them. As I picked up my glass for my second shot, a large hand stopped me from partaking in the much-needed libation. Before I could turn I heard Max whisper, “You use that tongue of yours in front of me again, be prepared to back it up.”
“Hey, Max, you enjoy the show at your mom’s?” Lucy asked.
I turned to him as he grumbled, “Christ,” and I giggled.
Apparently, Max wasn’t in a giggling mood. He scowled at me, hauled me from my stool, grabbed my arm, and headed towards the bathrooms.
“What’s going on?”
“You and your tongue owe me,” he answered as he opened the ladies’ room door and pushed me through. Then he shut it, locked it, and stalked me until my ass hit the sink. I put my hands up to fend him off, but he picked me up and put me on the sink, then stepped between my legs.
“Max—”
“I’ve wanted to kiss you since you fell off the fuckin’ plane,” he bit out as he leaned in, pressing my back to the mirror.
“You hated me when I got off the plane.”
“Yeah, and I still do.”
“What? Then why are—”
“I hate the way my gut tightens when I’m around you. I hate the way I get pissed when another man looks at you. I hate that you wear ridiculous T-shirts that I want to rip from your body, and I sure as hell hate the way your ass looks with a bear’s face coverin’ it. However, what I hate most of all are your lips. The way you bite the bottom one when you’re thinkin’, or the way they’ll eventually look wrapped around my cock.”
“I’m not good with men,” blurted out.
“I’m gettin’ that, babe. What you gotta understand is that turns me on, not off.”
“You’re turned on?” I asked breathlessly.
“Yeah, and the fact you don’t get that is another thing to hate.”
“Okay,” I whispered melting into the wall at the sound of his growling voice.
“You gonna let me kiss you now?”
“I think I’d kinda hate you if you didn’t.”
“Wouldn’t want that,” he whispered as his head descended.
His hands at my side pulled me solid against his chest as I wrapped my arms around his neck. I leaned my head one way, and he tilted his the other. Then he reached up and grabbed my face as our lips met. However, before I could open my mouth and taste him, there was a knock on the bathroom door.
“Max, you in there?”
“Fuck,” Max bit out against my lips.
The man with the world’s worst timing pounded on the door again, so Max lifted me off the sink and then mumbled, “The town better be on fire.”
Max moved to the door and ripped it open, scowling at the redheaded man I’d seen him with when we’d first arrived. He was standing with his hand in the air, ready to knock for a third time. Ginger-man looked past Max, grinned at me, telling Max, “Mayor is looking for you. He’s on the phone.”
“Right, next time take a message,” Max snapped as he turned around, grabbed my hand, heading us back down the hall towards the bar.
“Right, right, sorry boss.”
The girls wiggled their eyebrows when we returned and Lucy coughed, “Hooker.”
Ignoring them for a view of Max’s ass in those Wranglers, I followed him with my eyes as he headed for the phone. As I watched him, Annie stepped into my line-of-sight as Max picked up the phone. She leaned up and then whispered in his ear, her eyes on me as she did. That’s when I remembered Max and Annie.
Jesus, I’m an idiot! I wasn’t anything special, just another one-night stand for the Crown Prince of Trails End.
Not about to become another “friends with benefits” my flight or fight response kicked in, or in this case, just a plain old flight to protect my heart kicked in and I turned to Lucy.
“Catch a ride with the twins, I gotta go,” I whispered and then grabbed my pack and hightailed it out of there before Max could return.
Max had caught my attention at first glance. Then he’d rescued me, flirted, teased, defended my honor, saved me, and finally yelled at me because he was concerned for my safety. All of that in three short days, which had, unfortunately, for me, made an impression on my heart. No way could I have a one-night stand with him and act as if it didn’t mean something to me.
So I ran.
Besides, he said he hated me, he could just add “running from him” to the list of the many attributes he hates.