Fae
Shit! They’re going to kill me. My sisters are some of the most punctual ladies you will ever meet. Me, I’m always late. To tell the truth, I don’t even want to go out tonight. I have absolutely zero interest in bars, guys, music or “anything” really.
All of my siblings keep saying that I should get out and live a little. Not let the fear of my father run my life. If only they knew how incredibly too late it is for that. My lack of interest in all things life related, other than what is necessary, has nothing whatsoever to do with my father. My disinterest in living is because I feel I don’t deserve happiness.
I mean, sure I always have this feeling like I’m being watched. I’m sure we all do? But in my world it seems to be a twenty-four/seven feeling that never goes away. Unfortunately, that is not my biggest problem.
You see I once had a life.
I was only sixteen at the time, but I did live outside the walls my dad had built around our home, known as ‘The Compound’. For a whole year I thought I had found everything I would ever want, but I should have known better. I made a mistake believing in a ‘happily ever after’. A few weeks from the day that was turning into the most beautiful day of my life, a terrifying thought occurred to me, I knew to protect my most precious gifts I would have to leave. On that day I made a vow to exist only and nothing more.
Shaking off my thoughts as my phone rings, I know it will be my little sister, the baby of the family.
“Hello. Fae, where are you?”
“I’m on my way baby girl. Are you ok?”
“No one is answering their phones. Maybe its dad. Maybe he found us….”
“Phe, calm down. I’m sure they are fine and just got caught up primping and are on their way. You know how those two are. They are probably playing the music way to loud in the car and can’t hear their phones. I will be there in five minutes. Can you hang for a sec?”
Waiting as I hear her take a deep breath she says, “Ok Fae.”
“That a girl. Just order a virgin drink and calm down. I love you and will see you soon.”
“Ok. I love you too. Hurry ok?”
Phoenix is the baby out of the eight siblings. She is also incredibly shy, fragile and sweet, but she is also the one that worries the most about our dad and what he will do. Although, I suspect tshe is stronger than she knows. As true as that may be, I don’t ever want her to figure out her strength because that would mean she has had an encounter that will undoubtedly change her for the rest of her life. That is definitely something I do not want for her. I have lived it, am still living it, and it is not anything I would want her to endure.
See the one thing you must know about my father is that he is one of the most handsome, intelligent and charming men on the outside you will ever meet. The perfect father that everyone would want for their own. But what no one ever suspects is that he is a diabolical and controlling leader of a very dangerous, sexist cult.
My siblings and I did manage to escape him and his compound before he could do unspeakable damage to us, I hope. Unfortunately I suspect he has found us and is simply waiting for the right time to take my sisters and me back. If that happens I am not entirely sure we will survive. We have disobeyed and betrayed him. For him there is no repenting or forgiveness. However, he is not here now and I want Phe to live a little before all hell breaks loose.
There are times that I think I should take my own advice and lead by example. As the oldest sister, I should show them how to loosen up and enjoy life a little, even though it has been nine years since I was with anyone.
At 25 years old my world has consisted of my brothers and sisters, work, and home. Maybe it’s time to try to move on, at least for one night, so maybe I can try to forget. But thinking about letting someone else touch me, or experiencing any pleasure at all, makes we want to vomit. The image of myself laughing or smiling at something, even remotely in a genuine way, makes me want to draw the shades and sleep until I forget or die. To forget is not that appealing either because I would forget the perfection I once knew and I wouldn’t want to forget, not even to save myself the pain.
Have you ever done something you knew was for the best but you still feel guilty as hell? When I say, guilty, I don’t mean like you told a little white lie. But one where you committed a murder in self-defense, because it was either you or them? You however, are against taking a life and are left with a sick feeling in your stomach that never seems to leave.
Yah, that kind of guilt.
Just to clarify, No, I didn’t commit a murder but feel as if I had. The decisions I had to make to protect others seems to have killed me on the inside in the process. Now I live my life feeling as if I don’t deserve to breathe the same air as anyone even half way decent.
As I pull up to the club, I vow rather half-heartedly that for even just this one night, I will let loose and enjoy myself. Who knows I might even get brave enough to get myself laid. I may be dead…figuratively speaking of course, but unfortunately I still have needs and desires. And damn it maybe I am tired of denying them. Though sex might happen if I manage to let myself go, it won’t be half as satisfying as I wish it could be and not just because of my loudest pain, but also because of the other need I keep buried inside myself so deep you would need a whole crew of people with a excavator to uncover what is buried. I had to hide it all away the day I left my life so that my father wouldn’t see and use it as a bargaining tool for what he wants.
There is only one other person who knows both my secrets and that is the way it must be for the rest of my life. So you see, even if I found a way to move on with a different life, it would still only be half a life because my whole heart and soul was taken a long time ago.
REN
Lucca, they still have eyes on her?”
“Yea boss. She just pulled in to ‘The Hole’.
“Are you fucking serious! What the hell is she doing in a place like that? That’s a goddamn shit joint. All types of drug deals and back alley shit go on there. What the ever-loving fuck. Make sure Raffa doesn’t move until I get there. If anyone lays one finger on her, I’ll kill every fucker in there. Got it!”
“Gotcha Ren. Don’t worry. We are not going to lose her after looking for her for so long. Just get here.”
My blood is boiling right now. My woman doesn’t go into places like that. What the fuck is she doing? My woman. God it feels good to say that again. No one but Lucca knows the toll it took on me the day she disappeared.
At first, I thought an enemy looking for leverage to use against me had kidnapped her. I am not delusional enough to think being the second in command of the Italian Mafia doesn’t make my family a target. But I took every precaution to ensure their safety, so I was stumped as to how they got to her. After a few less than savory interrogations of several different factions, we ruled out a kidnapping. This left only one option. There was no sign of a struggle, no demand for a ransom and no special deliveries made. ‘She left on her own.’ That revelation brought me to my knees. I could not believe she could walk away from our life together, everything we hold precious, without looking back….I just didn’t understand.
Luckily I had something or I should say someone to keep me going. I couldn’t allow myself or the legacy my family built to fall apart. There were others who depended on me now and I had to be at my best because I am all they have. So I played the part during the day, keeping my responsibilities in the forefront of my mind. But at night I was a wreck. I would drink myself into a stupor. As my personal bodyguard, Lucca was the only one who saw me at this low point. I didn’t worry about him trying to take advantage of my inebriated state; he was my most trusted guard and friend.
When the cloud of despair and betrayal dissipated, I came to the realization that she ran out of fear. That is the only thing that makes sense. My Fae would never leave me without a reason, unless she felt like she had no other choice. I don’t know what she was afraid of, but you can bet your fucking life I was going to find out. First, I had to find her. Sounds easy right. What with the age of technology it should be simple, but bullshit, she disappeared without a trace. It was like she was never here. No trail or movement on her social security number. As a matter of fact, it didn’t appear she even had a social security number. It took me eight and a half years to find her ass. Now that I have, all I can think about is getting her home where she belongs. We had started building a life…Life…just that word makes my hackles rise.
What the fuck has she been doing with her life since she left? This is the first time I ever let myself consider she might have someone. My heart constricts at the thought that she would let someone else touch her. No one touches my woman. She belongs to me. Fuck that shit. I will spank her little ass if she let someone else near my fucking pussy. This makes it all the more imperative I get to her now. I know my Fae, and in knowing how she thinks, once I get my hands on her, I will have about 24hrs to remind her…. to remind her who she is and where she belongs.