Val

 

IT HAD ONLY been a few months since we’d been married — and I still dealt with the insecurity that came with the knowledge that Andi would always be a part of our lives — especially during the Holidays.

I knew Sergio — sometimes I hated how well I knew him. And even though he hadn’t said anything — I could tell he missed her. How could he not? Andi was so vibrant and full of life, she’d probably be the only person singing Christmas carols while spiking the egg nog with vodka.

The thing about being married? I wanted to share his burdens.

But a part of me was jealous of the time he spent staring off into the distance, thinking of her.

When I was right there.

I also knew that I was being unfair, that when you suffered that sort of loss, you had good days and you had bad days and I’d willingly gone into this marriage with the promise to love him through the good and the bad.

“Hey,” I wrapped my arm around Sergio’s waist. He was in the living room, staring out at the snow filled landscape.

He frowned down at me. “What’s wrong?”

“Huh?” Wasn’t that my line. “Nothing. You just looked, sad, and,” Why? Why was I the one getting emotional? Tears filled my eyes. “I just—”

“Come on.” He didn’t give me a chance to answer, instead he pulled me toward the back door shoved a coat in my direction along with snow boots and started donning snow gear like we were going to run outside and build a snowman or something. “Ready?”

“For what?”

He grabbed my hand and shoved me through the door. It was freezing cold as we trudged through the snow. My breath came out in short gasps once we finally reached the edge of the property, away from the lights, away from everything.

Just us.

In the snowy field.

Sergio’s hair was long again, it blew in the wind, wrapping around his scarf, making him look like a freaking Armani model who’d just gotten off the plane from Italy.

He didn’t look at me.

I wasn’t really sure what he was looking at.

“Sergio?”

“You lied to me.”

“What?” Not what I was expecting. “I think I’m confused.”

“You’re worried.” His blue eyes finally locked onto mine. “You’re sad, and you’re not acting like yourself.”

Well that was true, but it was because I didn’t want to bring it up, didn’t’ that make it worse? More painful?

Without another word he picked me up and hauled me over his shoulder then sat down in the snow. I let out a scream as snow hit my warm skin.

And then he was pulling me onto him as he laid on his back. “Tell me one true thing, Val — why do you look like you got a puppy for Christmas and he died the next day?”

I sucked in a breath.

He stilled, and then, “AH, I see.”

“What? You can read minds now.” I muttered, irritated that he’d be so perfect that he’d know what was bothering me.

“She’s probably laughing her ass off at you right now, you know that right?” He pressed a warm kiss to my cheek. “Sometimes you still act as if you’re sharing — and I know how you feel about sharing anything.”

“Only food.” I corrected.

He rolled his eyes. “I’ll always miss her, just like you’ll always miss her, but Val — it doesn’t consume me.”

“It should.” I said honestly. I knew the type of love they had, it’s not like he could hide it from me or anyone else for that matter.

His arrogant smile wasn’t helping matters either. “What!”

“You’re really pretty when you’re jealous.”

“I’m not…” I took a deep breath. “I’m just… I don’t know. I think you should miss her just like I miss her but I don’t want to be sad on Christmas, and I don’t want to worry that when I’m thinking about us as a family that you’re thinking about what would have happened had she lived.” There I said it. Yeah I was being irrational. And selfish.

“You want to know what I’ve been thinking about?”

“Maybe?”

The corners of his mouth tipped up into a smile as he pulled me close, tilting my chin toward his face. “Babies.”

My jaw fell open.

He closed it with his leather glove and grinned. “Yeah, thought I might get that reaction.”

“But,” My eyes widened. “But you’ve been looking so sad and I just, I thought that it was because of Andi and I didn’t know how to fix it—”

“Your job isn’t to fix things, Val, it’s to be honest with me, to love me, punch me when I’m being a jackass — strip on command.” I punched him in the stomach. He winced. “Deal?”

“I always tell you when you’re being a jackass.”

“Believe me, I know. It’s a daily occurrence.”

“I just want to be a good wife.” I nodded seriously.

He laughed.

I loved his laugh.

It lit up my world.

“So babies, huh?” I licked my lips. “What about… babies.”

“They’re… irresistible.”

“Yeah.” I croaked.

“And for so long I rejected the idea of marriage, of kids, of bringing anything innocent into this life — and now…” He looked away. “Now I can’t imagine living without you — and I find myself imagining what it would be like to have a little girl who looks just like you,” My heart stopped, “And then I get filled with such violent rage at the idea of that little girl growing up and a jackass little shit trying to seduce her or even attempt to talk to her and then I mentally calculate how much it would cost to lock this imaginary little girl in a castle with guards at the door twenty four seven, and then I buy another gun… The process repeats—”

I slammed my mouth against his.

Sergio wrapped his arms around me, laughing through our kiss. “Does this mean I’m forgiven for acting distant this afternoon?”

I nodded, still kissing him.

“In fact,” I pulled away. “I think it would be… beneficial, to possibly practice having… that girl.”

“Or boy?” He whispered gruffly.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “But maybe not out in the snow.”

“Damn, where’s your sense of adventure?”

“Back at the house in front of the fire.”

“Only if I get to strip you in front of the fire. Lights on.”

“Lights off.”

“On.”

I glared.

He shrugged and waited.

“Will there be wine?”

“Do you know me at all?” He scowled. “The day there is no wine, is the day I ask you to shoot me.”

I smirked.

“Wow someone’s in a better mood.”

“You’re hard to read.” I slumped against him, my ear pressed against his chest.

“Which makes me hard to kill.”

“Thank God.” I whispered.

“Yeah, I do that often, but it’s never because I’m alive — it’s because I have you.”

Tears filled my eyes, I didn’t trust myself not to burst into tears and cry all over his expensive coat.

“Snow angels.” I blurted.

“Hmm?” He ran his hands down my back.

“I miss her too. I think it was jealousy speaking with a lot of sadness mixed in. Let’s make her snow angels so she can see us from Heaven.”

He sighed and then. “Alright, snow angels it is.”

We made our angels in silence.

And when we were done, we both looked up in time to see a shooting star.

Sergio smiled up at the sky, then focused his attention back to me, and twirled me, two times, before lifting me into the air and kissing me like he was saying goodbye.

It’s the only way he knew how to kiss.

When I asked him why he said, because every second is a gift, and I want to make sure that if anything ever happens to me, you know that I spent every moment I had — making sure that you would always remember the best of me, the best of us. That you would know without a doubt, you were loved, and loved well.

“I love you.” I whispered through my tears. “So much.”

“I love you, Val,” he kissed me roughly. “More than you will ever know.”

“Fireplace?”

“One more thing,” He dropped me to my feet and then knelt down and grabbed some snow.

“Sergio…” I backed up.

He stood, with a snowball in hand. “Better run little girl.”

“Not fair!” I stumbled backward. “You didn’t even give me a warning!”

“I’m warning you now.” He stalked toward me. “Run!”

I tripped over my feet in an effort to get back to the house and made it unscathed.

When I turned around Sergio was grinning from ear to ear.

“Hah! You missed me!”

He pulled me into his arms. “I wasn’t trying to hit you with a snowball, I just wanted to remind you, that no matter what — I will always chase you. Always.”

I gulped back the giant knot in my throat.

“Love of my life,” He kissed the tears running down my cheeks. “Savior.” His lips found my mouth. “Friend.” Another kiss. “Wife.” His hands found my stomach. “Future mother.” His kiss was like a drug, pulling more and more of my sanity away as I leaned into him. “Don’t you see, Val? You’re everything. My Christmas miracle… one I’ll never deserve, but be thankful for every day.”

The door swung open.

Tex was bleeding. Again. “Well, well, well,” He tipped back his wine glass. “Merry Christmas, hey, Serg? She show you her—”

Sergio launched himself at Tex before he could finish.

I groaned.

Yelling followed.

“Fight fair!” Tex yelled.

I joined the rest of the family in the living room. Thankfully the Christmas tree hadn’t been hit by their brawl.

Someone handed me a glass of wine.

“Merry Christmas,” Mo held a wine bottle to her lips and grinned.

We all made a toast while Frank chuckled next to the fire, then grabbed his gun and gave Tex a look that said, stop.

Tex did.

And Frank went back to his book.

“Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,” Frank began in a loud voice. And slowly, one by one, we all sat next to him, on the floor. “Not a creature was stirring—” He glared at Tex, “Not even a mouse.”

“Hah, Tex is a mouse.” Chase teased.

Tex stood.

Mo pulled him down.

“Damn it let me read the story!” Frank yelled.

We let him finish.

And I ended up naked by the fire.

The mafia may not be tame.

They may not be good.

But they were my family now.

Blood in.

No out.