Frank

 

BONES CREAKED IN my hip as I walked through the living room, bypassing the tree where Dante seemed to be making progress with Ella. God knows the boy needed a distraction other than darkness — killing — fighting. My sigh was heavy, my heart heavier, it always was this time of year.

I missed Luca more than I could bear.

And seeing him staring back at me, through Dante’s eyes, oh it reminded me of things, things I’d long forgotten about my brother, my enemy, my friend.

And in the end.

Our savior.

Emotion was a fickle little creature, constantly trying to reach its pesky tentacles into my chest cavity — grabbing ahold of my heart and giving it a little squeeze. But the joke was on it — my heart had not been my own for quite some time.

It was buried.

In the ground.

With a dead wife.

And a dead brother.

She loved us both.

And I often wondered, if that was how our life was meant to be, shared… with each of us taking a small piece of Joyce’s heart and selfishly keeping it as close as humanly possible. Maybe, life, is about grasping the small moments of happiness you’re given, and squeezing tight.

I wiped at the treacherous tear that ran down the side of my face and made my way outside. The chilly Chicago air always did a number on my lungs. I took deep, even breaths and let the memories wash over me.

“You will always love him.” I said. It was the Christmas right after she’d spent the time with him on the ranch. She was sad. I always knew when she was sad, she would get this empty look in her eyes and then she’d touch her hand to her chest, so brief that many wouldn’t even notice anything was different. But I always knew. It was heartache. Plain and simple.

“I think,” Her voice broke. “That I would miss you too.” She frowned, like she was trying to understand her own feelings. “Sometimes, I think I’m cursed to have a soul mate — and my best friend — at the same time.”

“Oh Joyce,” I pulled her into my arms. “I wish I could take that pain away. I wish for so many things — a time machine being at the top of that list.”

She looked up at me with her swollen lips and easy smile. “A time machine wouldn’t fix this, Frank.”

“No?” I couldn’t hide the surprise in my voice. “I would have pushed you into his arms, and never looked back. I would have sent you away. I would have told the Nicolasi family to go to hell, and you’d be happy, with Luca by your side.”

“Foolish man.” She gripped me by the collar of my shirt. “What makes you believe I could ever be happy without you too?”

“How very selfish of you.” My voice cracked, that pesky emotion called love snaked around my heart, grabbing hold, refusing to let go. “To want both brothers.”

“That, I do blame you for.” She shuddered. “I thought he was dead, so I clung to you with everything I had.”

“My fault.” I sighed. “Again.”

“And now that he’s alive… and,” Her hand dropped to her stomach. Unease washed through me. “I don’t think I could let go of either of you. If you made me choose, I’d hate you forever.”

“Joyce,” I tipped her chin toward me. “You forget one thing…”

“What?” She frowned.

“Luca holds your heart.”

She nodded.

“I own your soul.”

She burst into tears and wrapped her arms around me just as fresh snow started to fall from the sky.

“And nothing — on this earth, will change the fact that you have two very powerful men who would move heaven in order to make you happy.”

She pressed her face harder against my chest. “This makes me a selfish woman.”

I hugged her tight. “Or possibly, just human.”

She lifted her face to mine and then gripped me by the back of the neck and kissed me. It was the first kiss we’d shared since her return from Luca.

The first kiss I tasted.

Where I didn’t imagine her with my brother.

The first kiss of many more kisses where I knew, one day, one day we’d be happier then we were in that moment.

When she broke away, I kept her close. “Promise me something.”

“What?” Tears filled her eyes.

“Don’t keep trying to choose. There will never be a winner in this situation… instead…” I kissed her cheek. “Love us both with everything you have… with your body, mind, soul… if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this Family — the darkness will always fall — but love — conquers all.”

Her eyes widened.

And then she shook her head.

And laughed.

I loved her laugh.

“Are you mocking me?”

“No, Frank,” She rose up on her tiptoes and kissed my neck. “It’s just funny… you wonder why I would never choose, and then you say things like that and still wonder.”

“I’m a man of few words.”

“And yet, every single one that comes from your mouth makes me fall a little bit harder.”

The snow picked up.

She shivered.

We walked back inside, holding hands.

The Christmas tree was in the living room, presents littered beneath it, you would almost think we were a normal family.

Not the most powerful family in the Cosa Nostra.

“Promise me something.” She whispered. “No matter what the cost… you always celebrate Christmas like this. With a giant tree. Gifts. Laughter. Don’t let our kids, our grandkids, know violence on Christmas.”

“I swear.”

“Thank you.” She walked off and I stared at the tree, a sense of complete helplessness filled me until it hurt to breathe.

She would not be long for this earth.

And I had no idea why I knew that.

Which is why it was important to love her.

To let her love Luca.

To know that however messed up our situation was — love — was what mattered.

In the end — it’s the only thing that survived even death.

“Merry Christmas, Joyce.” I whispered before walking back into the house. Laughter filled it to the gills.

Phoenix was even smiling.

I looked around to each of my men, sons, grandsons, granddaughters.

And when I glanced at the tree I could have sworn I saw Joyce’s face, as she whispered. “You did good.”