Chapter Eight
Ashley
The door closed behind Lucas and I slid down under the comforter and pulled my duvet over my head. Fuck, I’d acted crazy last night. Drinking tequila with the band and then drinking with the staff? So across the lines of professionalism. Lucas had found me sat outside my own door? I vaguely remembered not being able to get my key to work. My cheeks were hot with embarrassment. I just kissed Lucas on the cheek. It seemed right at the time, a friendly thank you, except for when my lips hit his cheek, I kinda wanted my whole body to follow and push him back onto the bed.
This would not do and anyway, before my drunken behavior, last night in his apartment he’d encouraged me to date Denver. That I did remember.
I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower, grateful for the warm water that cascaded down my face. I really did need to get back to my life. I was thirty-four years old and life was going to pass me by if I wasn’t careful. It would be so easy to stay immersed in work. I loved it and got such a sense of achievement from it, but what happened when I was older? Would I regret not having a partner, children? I knew deep down inside I would.
As the shower rained down on me, it was like a dam had burst as the walls I’d built up around myself to protect me from further hurt began to collapse. I sat on the floor of the stall as large, wracking sobs came from me. All the pain caused by my ex and best friend rose to the surface and I mourned my past relationships and let myself feel the hurt finally that had happened all those years before.
When I eventually stopped, I washed myself, dried off, crawled back into bed and slept for hours. When I finally awoke, I felt calmer than I had in years, and hopeful for the future.
I’d not expected to see Lucas again, given that he’d said he was going for drinks with Aidan, but I heard him return at 9pm and was surprised that he didn’t call around to see how I was. Surprised or disappointed, I asked myself. I really needed to expand my horizons and I knew exactly what I was going to do first. I was going to Masquerade night on Friday. I knew Aidan wasn’t working Friday evening, Jess was covering, and so it was the perfect time for me to go and explore. I didn’t think I’d have the confidence to join in anything but at least I would have pushed myself out of my comfort zone.
“Can you tell it’s me?” I asked Jess. The only person I’d confided in that I was going.
“No. You’re dressed in hot pants, a bandage top and pvc boots, that aren’t designer. With the heavy make up I’ve put on you plus the blonde wig, no one is going to know this is you. You’re worlds apart from the sophisticated designer clad brunette that walks around the club.”
“Tell me I’m not making a huge mistake, Jess.” I looked in the mirror. Who was that woman with the crimson glossed mouth and fake mole? Jess had used contouring makeup and even my face shape looked different.
“You’re only looking. Oh, I got it! Pretend you’re a mystery shopper! In fact if you’re recognized, which you won’t be.” She saw the panic in the tensing of my body. “That’s what you say. That you’ve gone undercover to check they are doing their jobs properly.”
“I can work with that.” I told her, handing over my cell phone. “Okay, you keep that. It’s my night off so no one would expect to see me anyway, but I don’t want that ringing and identifying me.”
“Right, gorgeous. I’m off downstairs and if you don’t arrive within the next hour I’m coming back up here to drag your ass down. We clear?”
“Crystal.”
Walking into my club as a customer instead of the Manager was enough to stop my heart. The fake ID I’d created had obviously worked straightaway but I just had visions of being recognized instantly. It took an hour of drinking wine (which Jess brought over to me so I didn’t have to speak at the bar) before I relaxed, realizing that in fact no one here gave a damn who I was. I was wearing the wristband that showed I was just ‘looking’ and not participating, so no one had approached me. I took a deep breath. It was time to go and walk around the club and enjoy myself. Time to see what turned me on and try to relight the fire in me that my ex had extinguished.
I was envious seeing people who had totally given in to their lust and desire. People came to our club because there was no judgment. As long as things were legal and consensual then any fantasies could be acted out here. One man in a room was wearing a giant nappy and was sat on a female Dom’s knee; in another room two couples were enjoying what I presumed were the other one’s partners. Yet none of it appealed to me. I’d seen it so many times I was immune. Great, I was broken.
Finally I walked down a corridor to our play room. This was a room I didn’t come down to often as it was right at the end of the corridor. I stood at the viewing window and watched as a man hooked up his partner so she was against the wall, her arms outstretched. She was completely at his mercy secured by her wrists and ankles. I watched as he tormented her to the cusp of orgasm with his fingers and with a vibrator. Then I watched him fuck her. She encompassed the name of the club as she gave into him and pleasure with abandon and I felt between my legs get wet. I’d found the key to my locked up self. I wanted to be entirely at someone else’s mercy, free for them to do what they wanted to me.
I took a deep breath and started to push open the door.