Sidney
I was having fun talking to Trevor. It was a weight off my shoulders to have a real conversation with someone—one where I could be honest about how awkward and non-conventional my family life had been. It was a relief to know that there were other people who had come from equally as weird or even weirder situations than me. He was handsome and funny, and I truly enjoyed the conversation.
The problem was that he eventually asked me out. I could see that it was coming. His body language was more and more geared toward getting my attention. The closer he got to me on the couch, the more I curled up into a ball, until eventually, I was just sitting there, hugging my own knees.
Then he did it.
He flat out asked me on a date. My heart raced the instant the question came out of his mouth. I just kept saying no, no, no, no, no, no, over and over again in my own head.
Sure, the conversation was fun.
Sure, he was a nice guy.
Sure, he was handsome.
Sure, I loved joking with and being honest with someone about our dysfunctional upbringings. But that didn’t mean I wanted him to be my boyfriend. It didn’t mean I wanted to go out with him, even. Maybe things would have been different if I hadn't met Lance. Perhaps I would have had the capacity to feel differently about Trevor if Lance wasn't in the equation. But he was. He was so, very in the equation. He had taken over my thoughts, and in spite of the fact that we had no commitment to each other, I felt like agreeing to go out with Trevor would have been somehow cheating on Lance.
"Who is he?" Trevor asked when I had no other choice but to break down tell him I was seeing someone.
I had not expected him to ask that question.
I would have never been so bold if I was in his shoes, so it completely threw me off guard. In those seconds before I answered him, I considered my situation. I knew Lance would either directly or indirectly be in contact with Trevor by the time this commercial was said and done. The last thing I wanted was for Trevor to put Lance on the spot by telling him that I said he was in some kind a committed relationship with me.
So, I lied.
It was a terrible thing for me to do, but in those seconds, fear came over me and I couldn't think straight. I said something that was fairly close to the truth so that I seemed confident. I gave him the name of an ex-boyfriend—a guy I had dated for a little while during college. I hated lying, but it seemed like my only option at the time.
Oh, how I wished that we could've just gone on laughing about our childhood and commiserating with one another without him feeling like he needed to ask me out.
"What's up?" Chris asked, coming back into the studio, and saving me from any further awkwardness with Trevor.
"Just chillin'," Trevor said. "Waitin' for Jonah and them to get back. Did you talk to your wife?"
"For a minute," Chris said. "I was mostly just walking around out there. I saw a pelican eat a huge fish. It was crazy. It flopped around in its throat for like a whole minute before he swallowed it."
Trevor laughed. "I've seen that happen before." The guys spent the next few minutes talking about nature—birds and fish they had seen doing cool or amazing things. They were so back-and-forth that I mostly stayed quiet.
Before long, Jonah and the others got back. They brought huge containers of Bang-Bang Shrimp over fried rice, and we all portioned it out into paper plates. We were all sitting around the studio eating when Jonah mentioned watching the video footage.
"I'll get it going in a few, but I was kind of waiting on Lance. He was supposed to be coming. I thought he'd be here by now."
I experienced a whole host of emotions when I heard his name. I felt nervous and jittery. I had no idea he was coming up there, and instantly, I started wondering how I looked and thinking of what I could do to fix myself up before he arrived.
"Did you say Lance is coming?" I asked.
"Yeah. I thought he'd be here by now," Jonah said, nodding as he chewed a mouth full of food.
"He was here," Chris said.
Jonah looked over his shoulder and all around like maybe he had just somehow overlooked the man.
"You're talking about the guy who hired us all, right? Lance? I saw him a few minutes ago. He was here when I came back from the beach, but he left."
"Big guy," Jonah said, describing him in case Chris had the wrong person.
"Yeah," Chris said. "Lance. I've met him before. He was here. He was driving a red Camaro. We talked about it."
"What'd he say?" Jonah asked. "Is he coming back?"
Chris gave him a clueless expression. "I don’t know. I don’t think so. I barely talked to him. He was in the control room when I came back. He thanked me for playing on the commercial, I told him I liked his car, and he took off. He didn’t say anything about coming back. He seemed like he was in a hurry."
My heart dropped at Chris's words. I innately knew something was wrong. I began thinking about the timing, and wondering what was possibly being said during that time. I looked around, trying to remember what we said and think of what he could have heard.
Jonah took out his phone, and I watched as he made a call. I was speechless—petrified. I stirred my fried rice absentmindedly just so Jonah wouldn't know I was staring at him. He put the phone up to his ear.
"Hey, man," he said, smiling. "We're back at the studio if you wanted to come up here." His face morphed to a more serious expression as he listened. "Oh, okay," he said, nodding. "No worries." He paused again, listening. I would have given anything to know what was being said. "I gotcha," Jonah said. "I'll holla at ya when it's ready." He smiled. "Thank you!" he said. "All right. Bye." He hung up, tossing his phone onto a nearby table without a second thought.
"Is he not coming?" I asked.
"No, he can't make it," Jonah said casually, going back to eating. "We'll watch it back, but I'm almost positive I've got enough good footage to work with. I'm sure we're done."
"What station is it gonna be on?" Trevor asked.
"I'm not sure," Jonah said. "Lance didn't say for sure. They've got marketing people. I'm sure it's gonna be all over the place. I'll let you guys know once I find out more."
"I've played on several commercials before," Trevor said. "But I've never actually stared in one. I'm excited about it."
"It's gonna be cool," Jonah agreed.
How could they possibly be so casual? How could they not care that Lance was supposed to be coming and now he wasn't? Couldn't they see that something was wrong with that?
"Did he say why he can't come?" I asked.
"No," Jonah said, like it was no big deal.
I looked at Chris. "Why was he here when you got back from the beach?" I asked. "Are you sure it was him? What was he doing?"
"He was just standing there, in the control room," Chris said, regarding me cautiously. "I don't know why he was here or why he left."
I felt desperate to know more, but all of them seemed content to forget about it and go on eating their food.
"Can you hear what's going on in here?" I asked. "From the control room?" I explained when they all looked at me funny. "If you're in the control room, can you hear what people are saying in the studio?"
"If the mics are on," Trevor said.
"I don't know why they'd be on," Gabe said.
"I had 'em on earlier when I was in there filming that last segment," Jonah said. "Why?" he asked, shooting me a questioning smile. "Did you say something that would get you in trouble with the boss?"
"No," Trevor said, since he was there with me the whole time. "Unless Lance is offended by people who have bad dads." He winked at me. "I was just in here telling Sidney about my scumbag old man," he explained, putting it on himself.
They all joked about the woes of having scumbag family members, but I was completely preoccupied. I felt sick to my stomach and could no longer eat. I knew something was wrong. I smiled and faked it, though. I picked at my food for a few minutes and then excused myself to use the restroom.
"I'm gonna get the video rollin' in a sec," Jonah said.
"Go ahead," I called. "I'll be right back."
My phone was in my pocket, and I dug it out the instant I closed the restroom door. Jonah had just talked to Lance, so I knew he would pick up if I called. I had to hear his voice—make sure he wasn't mad at me—make sure he hadn't heard me say that made up thing about Nick.
I dialed his number, and my heart hammered in my chest as I held the phone to my ear. I heard one, two, three, four rings and then it went to his voicemail.
"This is Lance with All Things Fish. I can't pick up the phone right now, but please leave a message, and I'll call you back."
I was standing there, feeling stunned by the sound of his voice and the fact that he didn't pick up his phone. Before I knew it, I heard a beep.
"Hey, uh, Lance. This is Sidney. I was just, uh, calling to see if you… Jonah thought you might be coming up here to the studio, and I wasn't sure if you… I was just hoping to see you, maybe, and I—"
I was cut off by the sound of another beep. I was hoping his voicemail would give me the option to review or delete my message, but it didn't—it just asked me if I wanted to mark it as urgent, which I opted not to do.
I had the most overwhelming sense of dread at the fact that he didn't answer. I tried my best to remember everything I had said to Trevor. I wondered if Lance had heard anything and, if so, how much.
I remembered our time together the evening before—a walk, and then dinner with his parents, and then the kiss… the earth-shattering, life-altering kiss. I was absolutely heartbroken that I could've possibly put what we had in jeopardy by something so stupid. I was so torn up about it that I sent him a text before I left the restroom.
Me: "Hey. It's Sidney. I was just thinking about you. I tried to leave you a message. I'm not sure if it went through or not. We're still at the studio, but I think we're done filming. We had fun. Jonah said something about you coming up here. I was hoping to run into you. I had fun last night, and I hope to see you again soon. Sorry such a long text. Hope to talk to you soon."
I hit send before I could think better of it. I had a lot of fun recording the video and everything, but honestly, I didn't feel like going back out there. I wanted to go home. I wanted to cry.
I stared at myself in the mirror. Jonah had a girl here earlier in the day, doing hair and makeup. I had wiped the lipstick off, but I still had a lot more makeup on than I was used to. I didn't feel like myself. I felt like I was outside of my own body.
I thought I had been doing the right thing when I told Trevor I was seeing someone, and now I feared that I had gone and messed everything up. I tried to tell myself that everything was okay. I thought Lance probably didn't hear anything and the only reason he wasn't here was because something came up and he had to leave. If he had been in the studio, he would definitely come and talk to me. He wouldn't have just stood in the control room and eavesdropped. I assured myself everything was fine, but at the same time, I feared that it wasn't.
I took a minute to clear my thoughts and give myself a pep talk before going back out there. There was a huge monitor in the control room, and everyone had moved in there and were gathered around it, ready to view the footage.
"How long does it have to be?" Chris asked.
"Lance was saying we had a forty-second limit, but I was thinking I'd ask him if I could do two versions. I'd love to make one with a little longer intro—maybe a minute, or a minute-fifteen. I think if he's using it for social media, it won't need to be so strict with the timing."
"A longer one would be cool," Trevor said. "To get more of that intro."
"Why don't you call and ask him," Dustin suggested.
I watched as Jonah took out his phone and dialed Lance's number. He put the phone to his ear.
"Hey," Jonah said smiling. "Sorry to bother you again. We were just talking about the timing on this thing. I know you originally said it needed to be between thirty-five and forty seconds, but I was thinking about making a second version of it. Could you use one that's a little bit longer? Maybe for your social media?"
He stopped talking as he waited for the answer. I didn't really care what the answer was. The only thing I could focus on was the fact that Lance had picked up the phone when Jonah called. I had never been so mad at myself all my life. I would've given anything to have taken back the conversation I had on the couch with Trevor.
I should've gone with Jonah to get food.
I shouldn't even be here, recording this commercial, in the first place.
It was a misunderstanding I couldn’t live with.
It was a problem I had to fix.
I wouldn't rest until I had.