#TRAVELINGFUN
To find your future, sometimes you have to detach yourself from your past and your present.
~ Hunter Everhart
Hunter
IT’S MIDDAY, SUMMER, the air heavy with the smell of fuel, garbage, and sweat. One conclusion I came to after these past months is that airports are the same all over the world. The sea of faces going down the stream or lined up as they wait to check in, go through security or waiting for transportation. In the background, the voice of a recording calls out, reminding you to “be aware of your surroundings, to never leave your luggage unattended or report any unattended baggage.” Then there’s sporadic paging to passengers who should report to the luggage area, ticket area, or some other place.
In the arrivals’ gate, there’s a mixture of excited and bored people, all of them expecting their loved ones. A couple of children holding a sign that read, “Welcome home, Dad.” Others waiting with flowers and there’s always that big group with music, balloons, and food. It must be nice to arrive home and have your loved ones receive you with a hug. Walking past the security area, I spot Scott who is enthralled by his telephone. He’s standing under one of the big plasma screens, announcing arrivals or departures. Jensen, who is right next to him, waves at me. His face is like the one of a father seeing one of his grown children for the first time in years. It hasn’t been that long, only six months. But of the four of us, I’m the only one he used to see every day.
The moment Scott sees me, he puts away his phone and walks toward me.
“Finally, it was a long trip, asshole,” my brother says, hugging me tightly.
“Missed you, too, fucker.” I pat his back.
“I can’t believe you survived the flight.”
“I bought the fucking T-shirt.” I chuckle. My flight had been delayed five times. There was turbulence throughout most of the journey. I have been trapped in a confined space for hours with hundreds of people. Was it terrifying to be thousands of feet off the ground? You bet. Did it occur to me to jump off the plane? Several times. Nevertheless, I was eager to arrive home.
“No one died, and the air marshal didn’t have to handcuff me.”
He arches an eyebrow. “Harrison has been on standby waiting for the call from the Department of Defense. We’ve had the bail money set aside. You were stranded in the airport for hours. We expected nothing less than an attempt to jump off the airplane. We have a wager going about the location where you’d attempt to skydive. Jensen won, he’s the only one who believed in your self-control.”
I laugh with zero humor, arching an eyebrow. “Fucker!”
Turning to Jensen, I greet him. He grabs my shoulders and looks at me from head to toe. “And a nine-hour flight and you are calm. Who are you, kid?”
“The same guy.” I pause, grinning at him, tapping my head. “With a few adjustments.”
DBT only helped me to search for something bigger than therapy and push away the ghosts inside of me. It wasn’t a cure I wanted because there is none. I have found a way to live with myself. To understand who I am and who I can be. My brothers thought I’d lost my shit when I told them my plans.
“He’s having a nervous breakdown,” Scott joked.
“Call his doctor,” Fitz seconded it, and Harrison pretended to dial the phone.
Their reaction was understandable and also a way to open the communication between us. Since my parents died, I’ve depended on them for everything. Not a day went by when they didn't have to stay with me for hours, assuring me we weren’t going to die and that nothing bad would happen in our home. Taking a step outside the house was unusual for me; backpacking around the world and then staying in Tibet was completely out of character. I called it a necessity to grow. Since my parents died, I didn’t have those long talks about sex, love, financial stability or a career with my father. Mom never said, “That’s a cute girl, but don’t forget to be respectful.” Everything they covered included cartoons, video games, and the next X-games.
Talking about life, expectations, and what I should do if I fell in love was supposed to be covered at a later time. College didn’t exactly prepare me for life. My brothers could only cover so much because I refused to go outside of my safety area. Now, I think I know who I want to become. Some things that I do are part of myself, my making, and I learned to be comfortable with them. That’s the key to this entire journey. Be whoever I want to be and be happy.
During the months I was away, my brothers and I exchanged letters where I thanked them for stepping into a role they never expected, for becoming my anchor, caring, and fighting to keep me from our nearest relatives. They fought because splitting up our family wasn’t an option. Our parents would’ve hated it. The three of them had planned to join me on this trip, I declined the offer and pretended I only headed to Tibet. I’m sure they figured out the truth, but I continued sending the letters through Jensen.
My break up with Willow was painful. I regretted it immediately. Only hours after saying goodbye to her, I wanted to beg her to take me back. There wasn’t a day I didn’t have half a mind to barge into her home and claim her. Keeping my distance from Willow proved more difficult than I imagined. There were moments where I made up scenarios on how I could apologize, like explaining it had been the anxiety talking. That we could work things out as we had before. Making up an evil twin was right next to “an alien abducted me and forced me to say something stupid.”
I didn’t use any of those excuses. There’s a saying that two wrongs don’t make a right. It is an incomplete phrase. Two wrongs can only make a right if they work and help each other. For me to go back, I had to find a way to help myself first.
Day and night, I wished to turn back time. I wished to have her in my arms. I missed her every second.
In spite of all my wishes, I focused on myself, ignoring the ache of missing Willow. It didn’t matter where I went; I was surrounded by her essence. It happened all the time and everywhere. When I saw the pile of my mother’s DVD collection accumulating dust in the corner of my room, I wanted to run back to Willow. Walking through the streets of New York, I was reminded of her and our time pretending to be tourists. It wasn’t easy to overcome my anxiety while chasing the demons and repressing the memories Willow and I made throughout the city. One day, I decided to change my routes, take alternate roads. From there, I started to go to other cities over the weekend. Then, it continued with states, until I embarked on a bigger journey. Finding myself, who I wanted to become and fighting the demons that haunted me for so long. Ignoring them only helped sometimes. The anxiety hit me often.
I now think of myself as an emotionally resilient person. Life comes with a big allotment of challenges. Finding the tools to face them daily was worth it.
Part of the trip included visiting some clients. Fitz didn’t believe I’d go through with it. He confessed that part of him expected me to quit the trip, and the other believed that I’d quit the firm. Without knowing, I proved him wrong. I finished my self-imposed exile and traveled to the nearest hotel where I showered, bought business clothes, and started working. Finding that tranquility and visiting new places through different eyes was great. I worried that I’d change my life drastically after the trip was done and once my brothers saw me back at work. I want to make some changes in my life and the world, and I can make that happen with what I know how to do best. Practicing law.
“I packed a bag for you. It’s on the other plane.” Jensen grabs my carry on along with the computer bag I have with me. “Did you check your bags?”
“I had the hotel ship everything home,” I indicate, pull out my phone and forward him the information.
“Time to go,” Scott says at the same time as my phone buzzes.
My brother tilts his head toward the left as he hugs Jensen and gives him some last instructions. Jensen and I hug for the last time, and I thank him for coming to greet me before my next trip. I follow behind Scott as we fight the wide river of people flowing up and down the aisles.
HARRISON: Ready fuckers? The crowd is getting anxious.
SCOTT: We are on our way.
“Are you sure you want to join us?” Scott asks before we cross the threshold.
“I wouldn’t miss this trip,” I respond instantly. No one can keep me away from going.
“It’s about fucking time,” Harrison calls out from the door of the private jet, running down the stairs. Once he reaches me, he hugs me and lifts me. “I hate to say that I missed you, kid. You leave like that again, and I swear I’m gluing myself to you.”
“Aw, you missed him.” Fitz stands beside Scott, smirking. “You stupid kid. A retreat is okay, but leaving for a fucking year was irresponsible.”
“I left in December.”
“Feels like for-fucking-ever,” Fitz protests, hugging me. “Are you sure you want to join this crazy mission?”
I give him a sharp nod, heading to the plane. This was different from what I’ve flown in the past months. There’re no rows of seats, in their place are elegant, dark leather couches, a screen, and a long quiet hallway leading to a bedroom.
“This is huge,” I state, whistling. “Are we going to the moon?”
“It’s a ten-hour flight. We are eight people. I think it’s too small for us, but we have to make it work.” Harrison laughs and walks to the cabin.
That’s when I hear it.
That laugh, her soothing, creaky, dulcet tone. That sound I missed and can listen to again and again. She could sing along to a musical, tell me about her day, or just recite the alphabet. It didn’t matter—she hypnotized me. I follow the chattering, feminine voices, down the hallway to into the bedroom, and spot her. Willow stands next to Hazel who is kneeling in search of something.
I study her before greeting them. Willow has an understated beauty. She has changed, though. Her hair is done into flowing ebony curls instead of the smooth, flat, long hair. Her body is fuller. Until now, I hadn’t noticed how skinny and frail she had been. When she turns to look at me, my legs become weak. Her piercing eyes shine, her lips stretch into a smile keeping me still. In a matter of seconds, she holds my beating heart with just one gaze.
“Hi,” I greet her, keeping the distance between us.
“What did I say?” Willow directs her attention to Hazel. “He’ll sense it if I lose those earrings. Look, he sent an image of himself to scare the crap out of us.”
Hazel turns around, sitting on the floor and hugging her knees. “Oh look, the man who abandoned us. To what do we owe your presence, kind gentleman?”
“Brat,” I refute. “What earrings did you lose?”
“The flower pressed ones you sent from the Czech Republic,” Hazel responds. “I mean; how can you notice? You sent so many presents on a daily basis I bet you have no idea what she should have, am I right?”
She’s wrong—I know what I sent and why I sent it. Those are part of a set I sent along with an oil painting from a local artist. Each thing I’ve bought, packed and mailed daily has a specific message. That one said, even from afar I feel your presence next to me. Did she get it? I’m not sure. Sounds corny now that I repeat it inside of my head.
Hazel’s eyes widen, and she tackles the floor. “Found it, I found it.” Standing up and fixing her long skirt, she gives the earring to Willow, who smiles at her. Walking toward me, Hazel hugs me. “I’m glad you’re home.”
“Happy to see you, too, little Hazel.”
My gaze never wavers from Willow, who continues to watch me. Her body moves slightly with every breath she takes.
“Is it okay if I join you?” Willow mentioned the visit to her parents. Fitz alerted me about the dates. Harrison who made the trip possible, helped me schedule my return accordingly. At first, I wanted to surprise them in Brazil. Later, I decided to arrive in New York, and do the right thing. Let her decide if she’d want me with her. “I’d love to be with you ladies while you visit your parents.”
She covers her mouth briefly, not moving her sight from me. Seconds pass, I feel my brothers stand behind me, but I don’t lose the connection between us. After several beats, her sculpted lips part.
“Say something, Wills,” Hazel utters.
“This is a family matter,” I hug Hazel, not leaving Willow’s eyes. Hazel has always been a sister to us, but over the past year my brothers have included Willow, too. I, on the other hand, don’t see Willow as a sister—no fucking way. “But if you guys prefer, I’ll stay.”
“I’d like that,” Willow finally speaks, smiling at me. “That you’re coming with us. Thank you.”
Harrison claps. “Well, I’m glad we are set because we have to sit down, buckle up, and jet out of here, now.”
“Wait, I need a selfie,” Hazel declares, pulling her phone and handing it to Fitz as everyone gathers around me.
“Smile, everyone.”
Hazel takes her phone back. “#travelingfun, #familystickstogether, #sisterstraveling. Two more clicks and voila. We continue our journey.”
At this moment, I regret having been gone for so long. Though, the feeling disappears when I recall the progress I’ve made.
“A few absent days are worth the promise of a better life,” my teacher had said several times when I complained about the separation from my family while in Tibet.
We all go back and, take our seats. Willow stays close to Hazel, but I feel her eyes all over me.
What is she thinking?
Probably, not what you are thinking.
Can you blame me?
I might know how to handle my emotions, but after more than a year of celibacy, it’s hard to contain my erection. Fourteen fucking months with only the memories of her legs wrapped around my waist as I slide deep inside her tight heat. I rub my forehead, praying not to come in my pants like a horny, inexperienced teenager.
This is going to be a long trip.