Kit and I played with Aspen and Evan while Jesse and Nick finished up their appointments with Meredith. It was strange how easily I found a sense of normalcy in this pack of various shifters. Aspen crawled over and slapped at the toy truck Evan was playing with. He screeched, and instinctively reached out to stop her, but I scooped him up and pulled him into my lap. Kit distracted Aspen while I dealt with my son’s anger. "No, Evan, that's not nice. Aspen is your friend. We play nice with our friends." We hawks were snappish by nature, used to defending what was ours. Not much different from wolves, I supposed.

Evan started to squirm in my arms, so I ruffled his hair. If we had been in animal form, I would have preened him, but even in human form the gesture calmed him.

Both children turned to look at the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. At the sight of Jesse's face, Aspen let out a screech of delight.

"I guess I will be back next month," Meredith said, closing her bag.

"Won't you stay for a cup of tea?" Jesse was obsessed with his tea.

Meredith smiled and moved easily into the living room, as if she'd been expecting the invitation. "I may have brought a little something just for the occasion." She reopened her bag and pulled out a jar of herbs.

Jesse clutched the jar to his chest with reverence. "You're an angel, Meredith."

Evan crawled out of my lap to play with Aspen again. I kept an eye on him, but his anger had passed quickly. He was generally good with the younger girl, but he was only three.

"Benjamin, would you like some tea?" Jesse called from the kitchen.

"What kind?" I asked.

"I have Meredith's magical herbal concoction, that wakes you up without any caffeine, or I have English breakfast tea."

"I'll try some of the magical stuff."

Meredith laughed. "It isn't actual magic," she said. "Just herbs. Safe for pregnancies. Speaking of pregnancies, when are you due, Benjamin?"

Nick laughed awkwardly. "Benjamin isn't pregnant, Meredith."

Meredith flushed with a hint of embarrassment. "I'm so sorry, Benjamin. I didn't realize you were keeping it secret for now."

"I'm not pregnant," I said, feeling a sharp sting of pain and regret at the very notion. Charles and I had been trying before his death, but now it would never be.

Meredith glanced between Nick and I. "Oh dear. This… This is a bit awkward."

"Isn't there a rule that says you're never supposed to ask anyone if they're pregnant until they're giving birth?" Nick joked.

"Oh, this is so very awkward," Meredith said, looking at the ceiling. "But you are pregnant, Benjamin."

Why was she so insistent about this? Was she completely blind as to how painful it was for me?

"I would think that we shifters would be able to scent it by now," Nick said, coming to my defense once again.

"You mean you don't smell it?" Meredith looked more confused than ever.

"I'll settle this," Jesse said. He handed Nick, Kit, and Meredith their mugs of tea, then crouched down next to me. "May I scent you?" Jesse held his wrist up politely, his own scent gland exposed.

This was all a bit ridiculous, but if it would get Meredith to shut up about me being pregnant, I’d do it. I offered up my wrist and Jesse leaned down to scent me politely. He took a light breath and paused, then leaned closer, almost pressing his nose against my gland, taking a deeper breath. He looked up at me almost apologetically. "It's very faint, but I think Meredith is right."

I shook my head. This was impossible. Surely fate wouldn't be so cruel as to give me the child Charles and I had longed for after so much tragedy.

"Benjamin? Benjamin are you okay?"

My head was swimming. The walls were pressing in on me. "Can you watch Evan?" The words found their way out of my haze as I stumbled toward the door. 

"Of course, but—"

"Let him go. He's in shock."

Shock seemed a mild world for the feeling that came over me as I stumbled out of the door. I felt numb and yet overloaded. The world was a gray haze before me. I didn't have any destination in mind except to get out, to run, to fly. Flying. Yes. The skies were so open and free, and the winds would wash my cares away. I started to run, my eyes on the sky. I tried to remember what it felt like to spread my wings, to dive from the heights, looking for that spark that would initiate my change. I felt nothing, so I ran faster and faster. I smashed into something with a solid thunk, landing on my backside, tethered to the ground.

"Are you okay?" A deep voice asked.

No. I wasn't okay. Nothing was okay. My world had been ripped apart at the seams, and now I couldn't even find my place in the skies. Large hands helped me to my feet.

"You're crying."

I was? I lifted a hand to find my cheeks wet. I rubbed my eyes on my sleeves and my vision suddenly became clearer. Kurt stood before me. He seemed the most reclusive of the pack, even including Caspar, who at least hung around a lot, even if he was quiet. 

"Can I help you?" His hands rested on my shoulders, his winter pine scent nothing like Charles's cedar scent, but just as strong, and all alpha. I swayed toward him, and he gripped my shoulder more tightly.

"I just..." I was lonely. I was tired. I was angry and scared. I needed a distraction, and Kurt... Kurt was perfect. He was unattached, and a cat. They were notorious lovers, but not dependable for the long haul. That sounded perfect. I wasn't interested in binding myself to anyone long term. Not now, probably not ever again. I didn't want to risk going through this heartache again. But I needed someone to take care of me, just for a little while, to make me forget the world around me. 

I leaned forward and kissed him.

Kurt froze under my touch for just a moment, but just as I realized my mistake and began to pull back, he melted against my body with sinuous grace, his hand going to my hair, gripping it and pulling my head back to deepen the kiss. I gasped, and he took advantage of the moment to plunder my mouth, his nimble, raspy tongue tickling my own. His kiss was like no other I'd experienced, and I was relieved. A part of me had worried that any man's touch would remind me of Charles, but Kurt was so very different, there was no risk of that.

He released my hair and his hands dropped to my thighs, pulling me up onto his hips, turning to press me against a wall. I looked away long enough to realize we were next to his RV before his tongue began dancing down my jaw and neck, capturing my full attention. I rocked my hips against him, seeking friction, but could only find the barest relief at this angle. Kurt's chuckle sounded almost like a purr and he pulled back, letting me slide to my feet. He put a few steps of space between us, leaving me confused. He'd seemed so into it only moments ago. Why was he pulling back now?

"Do you want to take this inside?" He gestured to the door of the RV. I glanced between his hand and the RV, realization dawning on me. He was giving me space to decide. To go, or to stay. I didn't want choices. I didn't want to make decisions. I just wanted Kurt to make me forget and then let me go. He seemed like the kind of guy who would be good at that.

"Inside," I rasped. 

Kurt opened the door like a gentleman, letting me step up into the vehicle before him, but the moment the door was locked, he was on me. We slammed into each other, all heat now that we were in private, slamming into cupboards and tables and counters, stripping each other and fighting our way back to his bed. When the hallway got too skinny for us to fit side-by-side, Kurt lifted me up and threw me through the slender doorway onto his bed, leaping on top of me. We were down to just our underwear. His boxer briefs left nothing to the imagination, and I plunged my hands down the back, grabbing the tight globes of his ass and pulling his cock against mine, finally finding some of the friction I sought as they rubbed against each other through the fabric. 

I wanted skin on skin though, so after a moment, I pushed the fabric down to his thighs and he finished the job while I stripped my plaid boxers off and threw them who knows where. Kurt braced himself on one hand next to my head, and with the other he took us both in hand, squeezing our hard lengths together. I watched with fascination as his stroke squeezed a drop of precum from his tip, and without thinking, I reached down and swiped it with my finger, popping it into my mouth. 

Kurt's eyes flashed yellow, half shifted. That made me think of Charles though, and of how his eyes would do the same as he came close to orgasming. I closed my eyes. I couldn't see that. Couldn't think of him. 

Distraction. Distraction. I reached between our bodies and stroked our balls with my fingers, using touch alone to explore, feeling Kurt's body tense in preparation as mind did the same. No, I wasn't ready, I needed more.

"In me," I grunted. "But—no knotting." I had no idea if cats had knots like the wolves, and it was impossible to live in a house with two mated wolves and not hear about that at some point, but I didn't like the idea of being bound together after the deed was done.

Kurt huffed a laugh of amusement as he flipped me over, impressing me with his strength. "I don't have a knot, I have a vortex."

"Does it do that tying together thing?"

"Yes." 

"Then don't do that. Please." It sounded much too intimate, especially for what this was.

"No problem."

Kurt’s hands drifted over Charles’s mating scars on the sides of my back, but he didn’t say anything, for which I was grateful. He took his time positioning my hips, rubbing his scruff along my ass, almost nuzzling me. I rolled my eyes. Cats. He dipped a finger in.

"Damn it, I don't want foreplay, I want to be fucked."

He hesitated, and for a moment I thought I'd ruined everything, but then I felt the blunt head of his cock against my hole. I rocked back in anticipation, and he slowly pressed into me, squeezing a moan out of me. Kurt echoed the sound above me, and right before he bottomed out, it felt like ridges had suddenly formed on his cock, causing a hundred different and new sensations as they pressed into my body and along the walls of my channel.

"What the fuck is that?" I panted, slightly weirded out, but enjoying it too much to want to stop.

"Vortex," Kurt grunted. "Cat thing. Super sensitive."

He sounded like he was having trouble holding back, so I lay very still, not wanting this to end too soon. After a moment, he began to move in me, and fuck, if that vortex thing didn't distract me exactly the way I wanted. It felt kind of like when someone is stroking your p-spot, but with a ton of tiny fingers, and not just my prostate, but everywhere the length of his cock touched. My mind went gloriously blank, no thoughts, just sensation, I gave up thrusting in time with Kurt, not able to keep up with his speed, and simply let him have his way with me, thrusting that vortex in and out of me so hard and fast I saw literal stars before the ball of electricity that had been gathering in my balls unleashed and I came with a screech, feeling bereft at the sudden emptiness as Kurt pulled out and finished, painting my back with stripes of his cum. 

He collapsed next to me, and we lay silently to catch our breath. This is what I had been seeking. This languid relaxation after release. With the hormones surging through my body, my worries and loss faded for the first time in a month. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't sad. I was nothing, just like I wanted. 

Kurt leaned over the side of the bed to grab his dirty shirt and wiped my back off.

"Thanks," I mumbled, before pushing myself up with a groan. I couldn't believe I had left Evan like that. I needed to get back to him. 

Kurt lay back down. "Any time."

As I started to scoot off the bed, I caught sight of his still semi-erect cock. "Is that... the vortex?"

He looked down and stroked his cock, causing it to harden slightly, and the little nubs perked up. They swirled from just under the mushroom of his head to the base of his cock, growing larger at the base. "Yeah. If I had been inside you when I came, it would have locked us together like velcro. Nothing at all like a knot, but a similar effect."

I was intrigued, tempted to explore the intriguing nubs further, but guilt was beginning to creep in. "I gotta go."

I found my boxers and slipped out of the bed, naked, my clothes strewn through the rest of the RV. Kurt sat up and watched me get dressed, and as I laid my hand on the door of the vehicle, he said, "Hey, Ben?"

No one had ever called me Ben before. It had always been "Benjamin," or "Benny." I liked him calling me Ben. Ben seemed like someone different, someone without my cares and worries.

"I mean it. Anytime."

I nodded, uncertain of whether I'd take him up on his offer, and left.