TWENTY-SIX
Violet
“What the hell happened to you yesterday?” Renee storms into my room before the first bell.
I look up from placing labs at each station, “Oh, hey, thanks for coming to look for me. I’m fine,” I wink at her.
She crosses her arms just inside my doorway. “Whatever, crazy. I knew Thor would find you.”
Shaking my head, I continue with the papers. “Oh, hush! I went to the cemetery, actually, and then ended up at the wetlands. I just forgot to take my phone is all.”
“Oh, well that’s not so bad, I guess. What happened at the cemetery? Did you scream and jump and piss on his grave?” Renee chuckles at her own imagery she just created. I can’t hide my grin either.
“You’re going to Hell, you know that right?” I wipe off the toner residue from my handouts on my jeans. Luckily, it’s casual Friday and with semi-finals tonight, we all get to show our school pride and wear Raptors gear. Honestly though, I would have dressed down anyway. There’s no way I could have managed a dress or heels today. “No, I actually made my peace and decided that it was for sure my one and only time going. It was good, you know? Then I rode over to the pond where Cullen and I used to go together and sat in complete misery until it got dark and he had to take me home because everyone thought I was lost.”
I sit on the lab table nearest to Renee so we can talk without having to shout and I’m not tempted to run around my room. I feel like taking things slow today.
“Wait, what do you mean ‘you rode’? You did all that on your bike? Girl, you are crazy. That’s over ten miles one way!”
“Yeah, well, I felt like I was gonna die by the time he found me and I kept fighting with him. My head hurt so bad. Unbelievable. So, he got me some soup and took me home and we talked and he ended up staying until this morning.” My feet are swinging under the table.
“You fought? He stayed? I’m getting whiplash here.”
“Yes and yes. Can you believe that he actually tried to boss me around and demand that I get in his truck so he could get me home?”
“What did you do?”
“I basically gave him a ‘fuck you’ but then he just picked me up and threw me in it anyway.”
“Huh. Imagine that. So, he stayed last night? Did you…”
“No! God, no, Renee. We talked some things through but we just slept. I don’t even know where we stand now, but I did get to apologize again—better this time—so I hope that helps him heal.”
Renee comes and takes my hands, “What about you?”
I smile sadly, “What about me?”
“You have to have hope that you’ll heal, too, and all of this will work out. You love him.”
“It’s not enough if he doesn’t love me, too. And you know how I feel about hope, Renee, so that has nothing to do with it.”
“Ok, honey,” she moves towards the door. “I’m gonna think long and hard on that one, I promise. In the meantime, let the excitement of the day soak into your skin, huh? You look worn out.”
“Gee, thanks, Renee,” I give her a quick hug. “Go make ‘em write good.”
She laughs at our ongoing joke as her boots click down the hallway.
***
I’d rather be blindfolded in a bull riding contest than at this game tonight, but I’m here anyway because it’s important to Cullen. I’m also afraid if the Raptors lose, it’s probably going to be my fault for exhausting the O.C. with my late night rescue.
He didn’t ask me to come here. Hell, he left this morning before I was barely awake. Freshly showered with that goddamn, supernatural soap of his trailing behind, I followed him like a hound on a fox down the stairs to the front door.
“Thank you for helping me last night even though I gave you shit for it.”
“I’ve been handling your shit for years.” I try to smile but the pangs of sadness are still too raw. He sighs and pulls my robe tighter across my shoulder, “You’re welcome.”
I watch his hand streak through his hair before it falls. I wish it would pull me in close. I stare at his long fingers until he speaks again.
“I’m sorry, Violet,” Cullen nearly whispers. His eyes are shiny.
My throat constricts, “For staying?”
“No. For letting you go. I’m so sorry. I should have been more understanding. I said you could tell me anything, and I’d always be here for you. Now, I’m—“
He glances past me, over my head, and it hurts more than if he’d just left. I can’t stand that he struggles simply to look at me.
I grit my teeth, push him to continue, “You what, Cullen?
When his eyes meet mine again, I nearly crack in half. “I made myself into a liar.”
His admission makes me jump. It’s so simple, so awful, I don’t know what to say. He shakes his head as if disgusted and clears his throat.
Catching me off-guard, Cullen quickly steps into me and brushes the top of my head with his lips. He chokes out, “I’ll see you later, ok?”
“Mmm hmm.” There’s no trusting my voice. I can feel his distress disturbing the air around us. He turns away, walks to his truck, and gets in. Then, he’s gone.
After traveling forty-five minutes north to our opponent’s stadium, I sneak into the bleachers on the visitor’s side. It’s colder tonight than last night, and I’m grateful I’m wearing my black fleece pants, Sherpa-lined boots, and thick coat over my Raptors sweatshirt. Another benefit to my gear besides being warm is that I’m relatively camouflaged, low key, and can just watch the game as a silent cornerstone.
The Raptors rush the field, followed by the coaching staff. My heart races when Cullen jogs onto the grass in his khakis and team pullover. He reaches the bench and paces in front of the guys, adjusting his headset while holding a clipboard. The players seem jumpy; some of them are hopping up and down on the sideline, bouncing their legs while sitting on the bench, or doing high knees to warmup. But he’s not looking at any of them—he’s scanning the crowd. Is he looking for me? Why?
I feel like I’m going to be a distraction so I try to shrink down in my seat, but his eyes zero in on me almost immediately. A fire lights in my belly but I have to stop the easy smile spreading across my face. I have to halt this train wreck of feelings. I don’t get to do this anymore. I lost him. Cullen isn’t mine.
Elliot steps in front of him, then the game starts. The crowds for both teams go nuts and I’m swallowed up in the fanfare of waving banners, giant posters, and Claire’s cheerleaders making pyramids.
We’ve played these guys before, but it was on our turf and the team was fresh. The season was young and not yet battle-scarred. I watch in earnest, nervous for those on the field, and push Cullen to my own sidelines.
After some hard struggles, Boone gets a breakaway run in the first but stops short of the goal line when a two hundred fifty pound lineman pummels him into the ground. We continue to drive but come up short and have to kick a field goal. Our defense holds off their offense, and the first quarter ends with the three to nothing score. We rattle the bleachers with our boot stomping and screams. High fives and chest bumps make their way down our sideline.
By halftime, there’s a mud path worn in front of our team’s bench and Cullen’s to blame. We might be back here next season planting new grass for these guys. None of the regular plays seem to be working; we’re getting stopped almost every time. It’s still 3-0, our favor, but guilt for keeping Cullen up so late last night creeps up my spine. I have to have played some role in this.
I take out my phone, not sure if Cullen will see a message before coming back out of the locker room, but it’s worth a try.
Me: Hey, Handsome. You might not want to hear from me,
but I wanted to say anyway that you’ve got this. I believe in
you.
I mute my phone and put it away. I don’t want to know if he responds with “Leave me alone” until after the game and I can suffer by myself at home.
Our boys come back out after the break with renewed motivation. Hart throws a touchdown with five minutes left in the quarter with some whacked out play that left the defense standing around confused as hell. The bench goes wild and so do the bleachers. Hart actually thumps Cullen on the back in passing, and Cullen smacks him back with his clipboard. They exchange some words that have both guys smiling. The stands are quaking with shoes and boots pounding and jumping.
The celebration is short-lived, however, as our defense buckles and allows two scores before the whistle blows. The crowd groans then gets deathly quiet; we’re now getting beat ten to fourteen.
Cullen pulls the offense in and squats in the middle of the huddle. He disappears in a mass of filthy shoulder pads and scratched helmets. After a few minutes, he breaks out and they all yell “Raptors!” in unison. It’s exciting and empowering. I wish they could see themselves.
It’s a back and forth battle through the fourth quarter. I can’t believe that our entire perfect season with a record-breaking offense has come down to a struggle of defense on an old muddy field. I’m biting the ends of my coat sleeves to burn nervous energy. I jump when the ref blows his whistle for the two-minute warning.
I close my eyes and wait for the screaming to start again. I can’t watch Cullen pound on his clipboard another second. Peeking from behind my eyelashes, I see Hart drop back and fire a rocket downfield to… Who is that? I grab a paper roster from the floor in front of me. Jarrod? He’s second string! I jump up as he runs like a demon towards the end zone. He’s got a fast little guy on his tail, but Jarrod’s like lightning and he’s not slowing down. I lose my mind with everyone else when he jumps and slam-dunks the football through the uprights. Touchdown!
Defense holds on for us through the last minute or so and we advance to Sectionals. Our victory is a narrow one and unexpected when using an unknown player like Jarrod off the bench. The boys, offense and defense, start running at each other on the field but before Cullen joins them, he looks for me again in the bleachers. I’m standing in the same spot as I was sitting, watching him with a prideful smile on my face.
When he finds me, he points to me and jogs towards the fence. I hold out my hands to the sides and mouth, “What?”
He coaxes to me with his finger, signaling that he wants me to come down. I shake my head and wave him towards his team. Instead of being deterred, Cullen emphatically shouts, “Violet!” He waves me forward.
Now I notice how quiet it’s gotten around me in the stands. I put my hands in my pockets and look around at all of the parents and students staring at me.
I offer them all a small smile, “Um, he just forgot to tell me something. I, uh, better go down there, I guess.” I give a nervous laugh and try not to stumble my way off the metal stairs.
The sticky mud and half-dead grass clumps on my boots while I trek over to Cullen. “Well that was embarrassing,” I start when I’m within earshot. “Everyone was looking at me.”
He takes the front of my coat and hauls me towards him. My hands grasp at his shirt. “Hush, woman, the attention’s about to get worse.”
Cullen’s lips crush mine in a feverish kiss. Three weeks of missing the feel of his mouth on mine go into this one moment and I whimper with the desire blazing so close to the surface. Maybe we weren’t undone through this after all.
His smooth tongue sweeps over my lip before he pulls away completely. I fall forward with dizziness. Catcalls and whistles shriek from behind both of us, but I don’t care.
“Open your eyes a minute, Violet.” Reluctantly, I focus on him, afraid that he’ll disappear if I try too hard. “I got an inspiring message at halftime. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”
I shake my head and my knees start trembling. It spreads to my core and then my whole body is in on it. I can’t stop the tremors. I’m not even sure what I’m nervous about specifically.
“I love you,” he whispers.
“What?” I almost stop breathing.
“I love you, Violet. Everything I want, I want with you. I love you.” He touches his forehead to mine and cups my neck. His thumbs stroke the sides of my throat, occasionally running into the tears that have made their way down that far. “Say something.”
I sniff. “What changed?”
“What didn’t change? It hit me today like a 400-pound linebacker that after all the abuse you’ve been through, when touch couldn’t have been easy, you’ve been giving me the gift of yourself all along. Physically, you’ve shared everything with me, but I’ve missed how significant that is because the words weren’t there. I couldn’t see that you had already given me your entire self. Fuck, I’m sorry. I was so blind. When it seemed like you vanished yesterday, I saw my whole future go black. You’re my today and my tomorrow. I want you with me, Violet. We’ll work through the hard parts, but together. We’re better together. You love me, and I’ve been loving you. Think of all the different ways we’ve proven that.”
I grab onto his wrists. My hands shake wildly. My heart is pounding so hard it hurts and I’m afraid if my legs shake anymore the fence will start to rattle. I never imagined that Cullen would forgive me for failing him and ruining us, let alone confess to loving me. I’ve been trained for so long in self-doubt that redemption is just fog rolling out and away, over the sea.
“Don’t let me go, Cullen Metz. You have my entire heart.”
Our lips meet again and my arms wrap around his neck. He bends then pulls me up against him above the top of the fence so that my feet are dangling above the dirt. He’s giving me all I want and need right here on this field, and I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I kiss him until there’s not a breath left in my body and when we finally pull away from each other, the only thing I hear before our own laughter, is the applause and cheers of the hundreds of bystanders milling around the bleachers at a high school semi-finals football game.
Keep reading for a special sneak peek of the next book in the series
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