Mmm. This is the life. A strong arm pulls me even tighter against a fit body, one of the first signs he’s awake. Depending on how we’re lying depends on which routine he follows. Next, his nose moves back and forth over the back of my neck as he inhales the scent of my shampoo. Then, there’s a kiss right between my shoulder blades. His scratchy, sleepy voice murmurs, “Sylvie?”
“I’m awake.”
“I love you.” That’s the final part of his routine. First thing every morning, he tells me he loves me.
“Love you too, Scott.”
“We should get up.”
“No. Hold me a little longer.”
He’s quiet for a moment while his arm tries to pull me even closer. “You okay?”
It’s not often I make that particular request, especially not first thing in the morning. “Just want to enjoy you while I can.” Preseason will start very soon and that means my husband will be traveling. I have no idea why, but I’ve been dreading it lately. I don’t want him to go. It’s absolutely nuts because he loves what he does and I love that he does it. But for some reason, I’m not feeling quite right this season.
“You know you’ll still be able to enjoy me when the season starts.” Scott rolls me over to face him. “What’s going on, Sylvia? You’ve been acting funny.”
I frown. “Me wanting to spend time with my husband is me acting funny? Are you fucking kidding me?”
He runs his hand down my arm in an effort to soothe me, but I pull away. He knows I hate that. When I’m on the verge of getting pissed off, the last thing he should do is try to calm me down. It throws gasoline on the fire. “What I mean is that something is off. I know it. You know it. I want to know what the fuck it is. Don’t get pissed at me for trying to figure this out.”
Ugh. “Don’t get your bossy, I’m the man, let me fix this tone out. You know I don’t like it.” Why some girls like to be bossed around or have their men take over, I don’t know. Even though I know that Scott finds subtle ways to do this, if it’s blatantly clear, I’ll rebel faster than he can take a breath.
Scott sighs and rolls onto his back to stare at the ceiling. That’s when I feel bad. The sigh is always a sign of defeat. A sign that means I haven’t necessarily overreacted, but I’m being more difficult than he currently wants to deal with. It always comes quicker in the morning.
“Are you going to talk to me now or later?” he asks. We always talk. It’s just a matter of timing.
“Can you look at me?”
He turns his head immediately. I have the best husband, I really do. If one of us is the problem spouse, it’s me. I know it. Scott would deny it because it’s what good husbands do. I’m his polar opposite in a lot of ways, but we fit in so many others. Nothing tears me up more than an issue between us. And there’s not even an issue between us right now, but I’m apparently making one.
“I just...” As my voice fades, Scott pulls me to him again.
“Tell me,” he softly orders. Only because I love him and because this nagging sense is really bothering me am I letting him get away with that.
“I don’t want you to play this season.”
Scott’s eyes widen. “What?”
“I mean, I do, but I’m having some kind of anxiety over it and I don’t know why. Something doesn’t feel right.”
“You’re not one to worry, so this worries me.”
“I’m sorry.” The last thing I want to do right before or during the season is make Scott worry. I feel like it’s part of my job as his wife to make sure that when he’s working, he can focus on that and when he’s with us, he can focus on us.
Scott doesn’t try to tell me not to be sorry. Instead, he holds me close. That’s exactly what I want and need. “Are you happy, Sylvie?” he asks quietly.
I lift my head. “God, yes. Why are you even asking me that?”
“We’ve been married a long time. You say something doesn’t feel right and I don’t know. I have to make sure it’s not that.”
He’s right. Our ten-year anniversary is coming up soon. Wow. Have we really been married for ten years? I prop myself up on his chest. “I’m happy, Scott. You and the girls are the only people who make me happy.” I take a brief pause. “What are you going to do for our anniversary?”
Scott laughs. “You act like I’ll be able to make it a surprise.”
“If anyone can keep a secret from me, it’s you.” He’s the only one who doesn’t give in to my need to know things.
“Any expectations? It is a big one.”
“No more than usual. As long as we have a babysitter, then I’ll consider it a success.”
He chuckles. “That’s all you ever want from me,” he says with a fake tsk. “Sex.”
“What can I say? You’re really good in bed.”
“Daddy!” The door to our room bursts open as Stella runs in and jumps onto our bed. I sigh as she crawls over me to wiggle between us, her sister right on her heels. “We’re hungry.”
“You are? Well then, sounds like I best be getting out of bed. I can’t have my girls going hungry. What do we want for breakfast?”
With a smile on my face, I watch as he picks each girl up, hauling them out of the room over his shoulders while they giggle and spout off their breakfast demands. He’s the best father, the best husband, and the best man in our lives. He is truly amazing. He married me, knowing that I can be difficult, that I’m nosy, that I’m a little out of control, especially compared to how he’s laid back.
We tried and tried and tried to have kids and when we discovered that I was the problem, he gave me time to mourn what I would never be able to do. Then, he started us on the adoption route, though that didn’t end in the way we expected. Once we finally had our family, things settled into the routine we have now and it’s been bliss.
It hasn’t been easy, of course. What life is? But I know how to handle Scott, he knows how to handle me, and most importantly, we continuously work on our marriage to keep it strong. How else would we last nearly ten years of marriage through all the ups and downs we’ve experienced?
Now, we just need to figure out what’s nagging me.
On that note, I get out of bed to take a quick shower. Scott doesn’t have to be anywhere for a few more hours, so he’ll take the girls to school. If he has the opportunity, then he always takes advantage of it. I get the girls ready for school while he gets dressed himself. Once they’re well on their way, I walk into the kitchen and smile when I see there’s a plate of food waiting for me.
Our life is a bit predictable as we’re set in our ways and we follow a routine every day, but there’s a source of comfort in that as well. Maybe that’s what’s nagging me? The fact that we are so predictable? I can pretty much tell you how every day will go. If something happens to change it up, I can change with it and still predict how the rest of the day will go. We have patterns we follow regardless of whatever curveballs come at us.
Once I eat, I start cleaning the kitchen. I used to work, but my dream job was to be a stay-at-home mom. When Scott’s brother, Roger, died and we had to look after Lizzy and then Stephanie and Stella, I quit my job. Doing that became a full-time job. I’ve never looked back, though. There’s always plenty to do around the house. In the afternoons, the girls keep me busy between Stella’s practice and her wanting ice time when she’s not practicing, and then Stephanie likes to skate with her sister, but she’d rather socialize.
Scott returns and as he steps into the kitchen, he says, “We have a visitor.”
I glance over my shoulder and frown when I see Lizzy.
“Oh, come on. It’s been months, Sylvia. You can’t still be mad.”
Scott laughs. “Oh, yes, she can.” He stands next to me at the sink and wordlessly rinses as I wash.
In one swoop, my sister-in-law got engaged, married, and went off on her honeymoon. She did all of that without even telling Scott and me until it was over. Yes, it happened back in June, but I’m still pissed. I just don’t understand why she didn’t tell us at the very least. She knows I’m a gossip lover and I’m nosy, but we’re also family, and she couldn’t tell us the big news until afterward? I don’t understand it. It’s even worse that she refuses to spill why she didn’t tell us. Her lame excuse as to why one of Scott’s teammates, Noah, and his wife, Meredith, were able to go is because Marc wanted them there and they wouldn’t have to worry about finding babysitters.
That pissed me off even more. I didn’t believe that answer then any more than I do now. She’s been getting the silent treatment mostly. She came over with pictures soon after they returned, and of course I looked, but I made no comment about what I thought of her trip nor did I ask questions. That nearly killed me. I’m still dying to ask about it, but I’m more pissed, so I remain silent.
“Sylvia, when are you going to forgive me?” Her voice chokes up, which makes both Scott and me turn to look at her. “I really need you to forgive me.” Lizzy’s crying? Oh, god. Something’s wrong.
Scott is at her side in a second. “What’s going on? Did Marc do something?” I have to admit that sometimes, it bugs the hell out of me to see his loyalty to her. It shouldn’t because it’s admirable, but for some reason, every blue moon, it gets to me. If Lizzy wasn’t as upset as she is right now, this would be one of those times given how pissed I am about her not telling me about eloping with Scott’s teammate, Marc Polinski.
She shakes her head. “Marc hasn’t done anything.” Her eyes find mine. “I need Sylvia.” Lizzy reaches up and wipes away her tears.
Scott looks at me while I dry my hands with a kitchen towel. His loyalty to her irritates me after all. That look on his face clearly tells me to suck it up and talk to her. As if I wasn’t going to do that already. That’s when his loyalty bothers me. When it seems as if he’s, in a way, choosing her over me. Yeah, I should have gotten over it by now, but that’s not the point. He should always side with me, but there are instances when Scott doesn’t because he’s looking after Lizzy. It still shouldn’t bother me because she was married to his late brother and she suffered so terribly after his death, but there are some things that bother us regardless of whether they should or shouldn’t and this is one of those things.
“Can you leave early today?” I ask him.
“Of course.” He hugs Lizzy before coming over kiss me goodbye.
Lizzy and I stand in silence while he moves around the house and a few minutes later, we hear him leave. The moment he’s gone, Lizzy takes a shaky breath.
“I think I might be pregnant.”
“What? That’s great news, isn’t it?”
She pulls a chair from the small table out and falls into it. “Of course.”
“Then what’s wrong? Why are you crying? Why aren’t you talking to Marc about this?”
“Because all I can think about is the last time I got pregnant.”
Wait, what? “I’m confused, Lizzy. Marc is here. You don’t need to worry about anything happening to him because that isn’t going to do you any good and—”
“That’s not what I’m talking about.” She huffs. “This isn’t fair to Marc. It’s not fair that Roger is finding a way to ruin this.” She is doing nothing but confusing me. She can’t be saying that Roger dying in an accident on the ice is a way that he ruined her last pregnancy. “I have to tell you something, but you can’t tell Scott.”
My spine straightens. “I don’t keep secrets from my husband.”
Lizzy squeezes her eyes closed. “This was a mistake.” She stands. “I should go and deal with this so I can have a clear head if I have to tell Marc any news.”
I reach out and grab her wrist. “Why don’t you want Scott to know whatever it is?”
She sighs and sits back down. “I don’t want him to think any differently of Roger or me. I don’t want to deal with this at all, Sylvia. My life is supposed to be with Marc. I officially moved forward when I married him, but I panicked and had flashbacks. I have to get rid of all of that before Marc knows. I refuse to taint this for him.” The resolve in her voice causes me to relax. This Lizzy is not the same Lizzy we dealt with pre-Marc. She’s determined to handle life instead of letting life fuck her over.
“Tell me. Let me ease your mind, so it’s clear for you and Marc.” Whether or not I keep it from Scott is yet to be determined.
She laughs, but there’s not much humor there. “I don’t even know if I’m pregnant or not.”
“Do you want to find out first? I’ll be there with you.”
Lizzy shakes her head. “I already have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon.”
“Okay. Talk to me.”
“Roger never wanted the twins,” she blurts out.
“What?”
“He didn’t want kids. Ever. We fought up until the very day he died because the second I told him I was pregnant, his response was that we should give the baby to you and Scott.” I pull out a chair and sit, not liking where this is going. “So, we argued because I wanted to keep them and he wanted to give them to y’all. And it’s not that I didn’t want you to have kids, I did, but they were my babies, you know? It just didn’t seem right.
“The day he died, I told him that if he wasn’t going to change his mind about the babies, then I was leaving him. That’s why he was agitated during the game. Things were really bad, Sylvia. And all because of one of the best things that could’ve happened to us.” She shakes her head, lost in her memories.
I can’t believe things were as bad as she’s saying. Neither of them let on that their marriage was anything but great, and while it seemed that Lizzy was excited about the pregnancy, it never seemed as if Roger wasn’t.
“Anyway, he died and turns out, I couldn’t bear to do it alone with him gone, so y’all got the girls like he wanted in the first place. And when I realized I might be pregnant, I was thrown back there. Marc will be happy, I know he will, but what if he isn’t? What if something goes wrong? This will be a good thing and all I feel is terror because of everything that happened last time. I couldn’t even enjoy being pregnant because I did nothing but fight with Roger and then I lost my girls who I wanted more than anything else.” Lizzy chokes on a sob and starts crying. “It was my decision, I know, and I’d make it again in a heartbeat, but—”
“I understand,” I interrupt. That’s why she wanted to talk to me after all. She knew I’d get where she was coming from. If she wanted those girls as much as I wanted children, then I can only imagine how hard it must have been for her to give them to us, especially when she was grieving the loss of her then-husband. And now, here’s her second chance. It probably seems too good to be true. That’s certainly the way it seemed to me when she kept telling us to adopt her girls.
“Listen, Lizzy. Marc isn’t Roger.”
“I know that,” she snaps, the tears stopping immediately.
“Shut up and let me finish. Marc isn’t Roger. Your marriage with him isn’t the same as your marriage with Roger. Your life isn’t the same as it was. Things are different. Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you’re a stronger person than you were then and that things will all work out. You’re not living in the past anymore. You’re fully in the present and looking toward the future. Not that it needs to be said, but if Marc gives you any trouble, you already know that between me and Scott, he’ll get a good ass-kicking.”
She nods. “I know.” Her voice cracks, so I know something else is bothering her now. “I only have one spare bedroom and that’s for the girls.”
“It’s okay to change it. They know they are welcome at your house. It might even be more fun to sleep in the living room. It could be like camping out. Or, convince Marc to move into a bigger house. There is a solution for everything, Lizzy.”
“You’re right. Thank you.”
I smile. “You’re welcome. Now, what’s the real reason you didn’t want Scott and me at your wedding?”
Her shoulders sag. “It’s going to sound bad.”
“I don’t care. Just tell me so I can stop obsessing over it.” At this point, that’s the only reason why I want her to tell me.
“Well, we decided to invite only either you and Scott or Noah and Meredith. I told Marc to invite them because one, that’s the closest thing to a family he has and I knew he’d want them there. Two, it was my fresh start. I didn’t want my last husband’s family there. Not over the only family Marc has. So, we asked them to go instead.”
This girl can be so dumb sometimes. “I would’ve understood that, too.”
Her body visibly relaxes. “You and Scott have always been too good to me. I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. I don’t always know how to deal with things like this.” And she can sometimes make it worse than what it is, too.
“It’s okay. Go find out if I’m going to be an aunt and let me know once you’ve told Marc.”
“It might be a few days, but I’ll let you know. If I am, I want to surprise him somehow. If I’m not, then I’ll be back here, if that’s okay?”
“Of course.” If anyone knows what it’s like to hope you’re pregnant, and I’m sure Lizzy is hoping now that the idea has been planted in her mind, it’s me. And if anyone knows what it’s like to hear that you’re not after having that hope, it’s me. For a brief moment, I’m envious of Lizzy. She’ll be pregnant. I just know it. She’ll experience a doctor telling her she is and she’ll be able to tell her husband about what they’ve created. That is something I will never be able to do. Accepting it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with in an instance like this.
Once Lizzy leaves, I take a deep breath, look around at all the things that show my house does in fact have two little girls in it who are mine, and I silently thank Lizzy for that. It helps the envy go away. With that, I get back to cleaning the house with a smile on my face even though when my girls get home from school, they’ll destroy it all over again.