Anna stood outside the bakery in the high street in her jeans and trainers – her busy day required this speedy footwear. It was now five in the afternoon and she knew that if it weren’t for the excitement of the evening to come, she’d be feeling more than a little low. She had a lot on her mind. Theo had just resigned from his job, determined to go ahead with his warehouse renovation in Bristol, and that had caused another huge row. The one light in her life was Shania. They’d gone together to the hospital that morning and she’d seen the scan pictures: grainy images of two little lives, tightly coiled end to end in her friend’s tummy. It was a miracle.

The planning of a surprise party for Theo’s birthday had been a welcome distraction over the last couple of weeks, not only the dashing here and there to execute the million tiny chores that would make the event a night to remember, but doing it all in secret. The vast trays of lasagne were prepped and in the fridge, the white wine was chilled and the red rested. Beers lined the fridge door, balloons waited to be blown up, wrapped presents had been hidden in the spare-room closet and her freshly dry-cleaned party dress hung in her wardrobe, ready to wow!

The large, stiff, white carry-box lay flat on her arm. She smiled, chuffed with the delicate sponge-and-buttercream confection, its hand-piped message artistically scrawled in dark icing: ‘Happy Birthday Theo! Ship Shape and Bristol Fashion!’ it was a concession of sorts.

Her phone beeped in her pocket; a text from Melissa.

‘What time tonight? Looking forward to it. You always go to so much trouble, it makes me feel even more guilty for forgetting Gerard’s birthday, again! As if he needs any more reminders of just how crap a wife and mom I am. Nearly left Nicholas on a bus yesterday... I am imagining your tuts right now! It wasn’t entirely my fault. Will explain later. By the way it’s Myfanwy.’

She laughed loudly and did indeed tut. Yes, she went to a lot of trouble, but knowing how many birthday celebrations Theo missed out on in his youth, either due to an oversight at school or simply because of complete indifference from his preoccupied parents, she always wanted to make the day as special as she could for her man, no matter how old he was. And this year, despite their rows, she was determined to do something extra nice, to show him just how much she loved him. She smiled. Her plan was coming together very nicely.

She made her way home, changed into her party frock and pulled her hair into a ponytail before applying a slick of lipstick. Picking up the cake box, she prepared to decant it onto the cake stand. En route, she grabbed her phone from the countertop, its small flashing icon telling her she had another voicemail. It was a missed call from the birthday boy himself; he must have phoned when she was in the shower. With her free hand, she held the phone to her ear, squinting, as if this altered view might help her hear better...

She played the message again.

And again.

And again.

Anna slowly lowered her phone and looked out to the garden. She pushed at her ears, which felt strange, as if she was underwater. She double-blinked as her mind did what it always did when her thoughts were too loud, or she felt afraid or she just wanted to pass the time. It had been a long while since she’d felt the need to do her game. And right now it had nothing to do with passing the time.

A... Anna Bee, you’ll be okay.

B... birthday.

C... cake.

D... drink. I need a drink.

E... ever and ever and ever.

F... frightened. I’m frightened.

G... God help me.

The cake, nestling in the box on her arm, seemed now to be an extraordinary weight and her arm cramped. Anna felt as if she was moving in slow motion.

She slid the cake carefully back onto the countertop. It could stay in the box.

She allowed a small burst of nervous laughter to leave her lips before firing off a round-robin text to Melissa, their other friends and her in-laws, explaining in the simplest of terms that the party was now cancelled and sorry for the very short notice.

It was no surprise to her that a call came in almost immediately from Stella. Anna let it go to voicemail and then listened to it. Her mother-in-law’s whiny tone was enough to set her teeth on edge.

‘Oh, Anna, really? How disappointing! We’ve gone to a lot of trouble to make sure Rhubarb gets fed and walked early and we’ve given Mrs Fayad a key to come and walk him for his late-night poo. Is there—’

Anna had heard enough. She pressed delete and resisted the temptation to call her back and scream that she couldn’t give a shit about Rhubarb or any arrangements they might have made. Actually, that wasn’t true; she did give a shit about Rhubarb, thinking then how she loved him and Griff, as much if not more than most of the arsehole humans in the family.

Family... This is not how I want my family to be. Not what I want at all.

Anna let Griff out for a quick run before filling his bowl with dried food, which he wolfed down as soon as he came back in. She switched on the dim lamp in the cooker hood, preferring to be in semi-darkness. Sitting on the reclaimed pew at the wide scrubbed table with her back to the wall, facing the door and with tears streaming from swollen eyes, she placed her phone on the surface and pressed play over and over and over.

H... hob.

I... ice bucket.

J... Jack Daniels.

K... kitchen roll.

L... lemon tree, still no bloody lemons.

M... microwave.

N... noise.

O... opening the front door.

P... petrified, so scared of what comes next.

Q... quiet, the hush before the storm...

She heard the sound of his keys being dropped onto the dresser in the hall and sat up straight. Her heart pounded, her mouth was dry. Griff gave a single bark and looked to her for reassurance.

‘It’s okay, puppy,’ she whispered, unsure if anything was ever going to be okay again.

Theo slowly eased the kitchen door open. She felt the tiniest spark of satisfaction at the sight of him looking eagerly around the room, expecting a birthday celebration and getting nothing, nothing at all. She watched his smile fade and a look of concern take its place.

Good, you should be concerned.

‘What’s going on?’ he asked, locating her finally at the kitchen table, then looking around the room for clues as to her state of mind but finding none.

‘Please sit down, Theo.’ Her voice was small, cracked.

He sat opposite her; the scrape of the chair legs over the tiled floor was an irritation.

‘What’s the matter? Are you okay? Has something happened?’

She glanced at him. It was a stupid question given her obvious distress and didn’t warrant a response. She waited until he was seated before reaching over and adjusting the volume on her phone. She let her finger hover before pressing the button to play her answerphone messages.

‘You have one message,’ the robotic voice informed them.

Theo visibly braced himself and cocked his head, ready to listen. He slid his fingertips towards her hand. Anna flinched as they touched, quickly pulling her hand beneath the table and resting it in her lap. She could hear her heart beating in her ears and the rush of her blood.

The moment the message began, she saw the facts, his terrible error, register on his face; he looked stricken.

‘Mate, it’s me. It’s my birthday, but that’s not why I’m calling. I feel like I’m falling apart. I told my dad I knew about Alexander and, well, it didn’t go how I thought it might. It’s made me think about my situation. I don’t ever want Anna to feel how I felt tonight, to find out I have a little girl, a child in this world who doesn’t know me... I’m gabbling. Call me when you get this. I need to talk to you, Spud.’

Theo reached out to grab the phone, as if silencing it could spare them both, but it was a little late for that. Anna was quicker; she held the phone in the air and stared at her husband, watching his face. She knew the words of the voicemail by heart, the pauses, the sigh... Her head almost bobbed in time with each word and her lips moved as she mouthed them in her head. She watched him cringe at the sound of his own voice, amplified by the silence around them.

‘Anna, I...’ He stared her, trying to find the words.

She bit her lip, oblivious to the fresh batch of tears that trickled down her face.

‘I don’t know what to say to you,’ he croaked.

She watched him run his fingers over his face, trying to order his thoughts. Her eyes narrowed and her nose wrinkled in disdain. His reaction was so predictable, so clichéd, it stung as much as the content of his voice message.

How can you not know what to say to me? You must have known this day would come.

Finally she took a breath and when she spoke, to their mutual surprise, her voice was level.

‘You have a little girl?’ she rasped.

‘Yes.’ He looked down. ‘I’ve wanted to tell you so many times, but knowing how much you wanted a baby, and knowing I couldn’t do that, not with this hanging over me...’

‘You’re a dad.’ She swallowed, shaking her head. This fact would still not sink in. ‘Is Kitty her mum?’

He closed his eyes and nodded.

‘I knew it.’ She bit her lip hard, the pain a welcome distraction. ‘I always kind of had this feeling about her, the way you looked when you told me she was just some girl from school, the way you changed the subject when her name came up. You were always so evasive. I just knew,’ she whispered, trying to find the words. Calmly, she rubbed her hand across her stomach, indicating that this was where the hurt lay. ‘Is she posh? Does she talk like you?’

‘Why does that matter?’

‘It matters to me!’ she shot back angrily. He was in no position to ask the questions.

He gave a single nod and she was glad of that at least.

‘How old is your little girl?’

He looked up at her, then immediately looked away. Ashamed, presumably, but she had no sympathy.

‘She’s ten,’ he whispered.

‘Ten?’ she repeated, her heart racing, each new fragment helping to build an ever more devastating picture. ‘Where do you meet her? Has she ever been here?’ She hugged the tops of her arms, preparing for the next wave of distress, the one that might finally overwhelm her.

‘I don’t meet her. I don’t see her. She doesn’t know about me.’ He shook his head. ‘Her mum made it quite clear it was a one-night stand, literally, and—’

‘Does anyone else know about her? Your parents?’ she interrupted, considering the gut-churning possibility that they were laughing at her. It would be more than she could stand: Stella, Perry, Theo and the posh girl from his posh school sharing wine and swapping stories in front of the fire.

‘No.’ He briefly held her stare. ‘No one knows.’

‘Correction. Spud knows, and now I know.’

Theo nodded.

‘Were you there when she was born?’

‘No.’

‘Do you love her mum? Do you... Do you love Kitty?’ she asked quietly, fearful for the response no matter what it might be.

‘No, not at all. I was infatuated with her at school, but no.’ He shook his head.

Anna thought she might throw up. ‘Do you... Do you still see her?’ she squeaked, looking down, preparing herself.

‘No.’ He shook his head and she heard the slight reverb of laughter in his tone, as if to say, of course I don’t!

She swallowed loudly. She thought of Sally Harper and remembered sitting on the sofa in their neat sitting room where cigarette smoke clung to the furnishings and the walls, staring at the woman with hurt etched on her face and in her every gesture. No wonder she’d been cold, and Micky angry.

Anna and Theo sat quietly, on opposite sides of the kitchen table, in close physical proximity but miles and miles apart. She didn’t know what to do or say next and was floored by feeling so awkward in her own home.

‘I don’t have any relationship with either of them, Anna. None at all. And I didn’t plan it – it just happened,’ he whispered. ‘It was long before I met you and I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not to make contact because, unlike you, Kitty knew that I would be a shit father and a fucking useless addition to any child’s life!’

Anna shook her head. ‘Don’t you fucking dare! Don’t you dare compare me with some woman you had a one-night stand with who doesn’t know you like I do! Don’t you dare suggest that it is for reasons she came up with that I have been denied motherhood! You are my husband!’ She hated the squeak to her voice, raw with sadness. ‘You’ve been cheating on me since the day we met.’

‘I have not!’

‘Yes, you have, Theo.’ She was cool now, her voice barely quivering. ‘Lying through omission and lying by keeping a secret, a big secret! Do you think I haven’t noticed the slow looks of longing and that little twitch to your mouth when something reminds you of someone that isn’t me? Do they live in Blackheath, this Kitty and her child – is that it? Is that why you were out there that night in the rain? Why you came back acting all unsettled and weird?’

He stared at her, a spooked expression on his face, as if he’d discovered she’d been reading his mind. ‘I don’t know where they live exactly. The one time I saw the little girl was on a bus. I... I jumped on the bus because I... recognised Kitty sitting in the window, and then I saw Sophie, but I... I didn’t know she was there and it’s haunted me every day since!’

‘Sophie!’ Anna sobbed, planting her hands on the tabletop for support. ‘Is... Is that her name? Sophie?’

‘Yes.’ He nodded, unable to stem his own tears. ‘Yes, she’s called Sophie.’ He could hardly get the words out.

The two sat there, letting their tears flow. When the crying eventually slowed, they sat in silence. It was Anna who broke it.

‘My whole life has been like walking uphill on a slippery surface. I couldn’t get a foothold, there was nothing for me to cling to, one false move and I’d tumble back to the start, a little more bruised, a little more defeated. And then I met you and I clung to you and it felt wonderful!’ Her voice faltered. ‘I knew I wasn’t your first love, but I honestly believed I might be your last—’

‘You are, Anna. I love you, only you!’

She saw the way his fingers reached for the fishing fly secreted under his lapel and felt a flicker of anger. If only he could open up to her, use her as his comforter when things got rough, and not some feathered talisman gifted by the fly-fishing guy of his youth.

‘Yes, I know. But that’s never been enough for either of us, not really.’

Theo stared up at her, his eyes pleading with her. ‘I don’t know what to say.’

‘So you have said, many, many times, but the thing is you never do and that’s part of the problem. In fact it is the problem. You’ve hidden all this from me and instead you’ve just kept stalling, hoping I’ll change my mind about children, hoping it will just go away if you stick your head under the carpet for long enough. It’s all so unfair, so unfair.’

‘It’s not like that, I...’ Theo leant on the table and held her gaze. ‘I never wanted to hurt you.’

Anna was surprised by the burst of laughter that fired from her mouth. ‘Oh, well, that’s okay then. I’ll tell my heart to heal itself and my tears to stop falling!’

He nodded acceptance of the accusation and continued. ‘I hate that this has happened, but also I’m really a bit relieved—’

‘Well, great! How lovely for you!’

‘Please don’t be like that. I feel like shit, but the fact is, it has happened and we need to discuss it and decide on next steps.’

‘What the hell am I going to do now?’ She stared into the middle distance, directing the question as much to herself as to him.

‘I don’t want us to fight,’ he whispered.

‘No, I know, you’d rather we sat quietly and discussed anything other than what matters. The weather, wine, our next holiday, just like your bloody parents. And I’ve played along. You think you play with a straight bat, but you don’t. You’re a liar.’

‘I haven’t lied to you, Anna. Not intentionally. I might have held back, but—’

‘Held back? You have a child!’ She laughed, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. ‘Have you any idea what it’s like living with you?’ She looked up. ‘You have never given yourself to me, not fully. I have tried to be content with the little bits of you that you cast at me like pieces of a puzzle. And I scamper to catch whatever you throw because I love you.’ She broke off, crying at this truth. ‘I love you so much, but every time you give me a new piece of you, you take away an old piece and I now know that I can never, ever complete the picture of you. Never. And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, I find out you have a little girl. A little girl you share with a woman who isn’t me, a little girl you phoned Spud to discuss while I was running around trying to make a party for you, collecting a fucking cake!’ The sob that now left her throat hurt her physically, clawing at her chest on its way out.

‘Anna, I... I wish I had told you. I do! But every day, every month that passed made it seem harder and harder to come clean.’

‘Well, bravo, Theo.’ She clapped. ‘But I doubt you would have “come clean”, as you put it, if you hadn’t misdialled that number today.’

He looked away and both knew this to be the truth.

Anna stared out of the window at the flash of lightning that cracked the sky. The thunder rolled in, and with it came driving rain that lashed the window and made the garden path glisten.

She saw herself as a little girl, chatting to her mummy in her narrow bedroom in Honor Oak Park.

‘The thing that matters most is that you spend your time with someone who loves you very much and who you love right back.’

‘But... But how do you know, Mum, if it’s the right person?’

‘Ah, you don’t have to worry, that’s the easy bit. It will be someone who makes it seem as if it’s sunny, even on a rainy day.’

Anna looked out of the window into the dull fog of the storm and noted that neither inside the house nor outside, was even the smallest glimmer of sunshine. Nothing.

*

It was gone midnight and Anna was sitting on the sofa in the dark with the throw over her legs. She heard Theo lingering in the hallway before he eventually crept into the sitting room. She glimpsed her reflection in the window and was sad to see the broken, frail face staring back.

‘I don’t know what’s happening, Theo. I don’t know if we’re ending, and I don’t know what to do.’

‘I’m sorry, Anna. I love you.’

‘Please don’t keep telling me that you love me – it’s like wiping away the blood after you’ve cut me. It doesn’t help the hurt or excuse the act, not even a little bit.’

She watched him hover awkwardly by the fireplace, part wanting him to sod off and part wishing he would stay close and hold her tight. Griff loped out of the kitchen with his ears low, his eyes searching. He didn’t like to hear her sad. She sank down onto the floor and sat with her legs stretched out in front of her, stroking her dog’s silky fur and taking comfort from it. It was then that she saw Theo’s suitcase in the hallway, through the open door. She looked up at him as her tears fell afresh. She was surprised there were any left.

‘I’ve decided to go to Bristol. I need to see to some things there anyway, and I need to sort my head out. I’m sure you do too.’

‘I’m sad, Theo, but I’m not surprised.’ Her voice was a harsh croak. ‘I’ve been waiting for this conversation since we went to the Maldives. I think deep down I knew then that we were on a timer.’ She now understood fully what this phrase meant.

‘You did?’

Anna nodded, ignoring the break in his voice. ‘I think possibly since the day we married. I mean, I was never right for you as far as your parents were concerned – I don’t speak right, I don’t know the wrong and right way to do things and I never went to that bloody school they bang on about.’ She gave a false laugh. ‘And for someone who cares as much about what others think as you do, especially your shitty parents, whose approval you still crave...’ She let this hang.

‘Don’t say that.’ He looked distraught.

‘Why not? It’s the truth.’ She snorted through her nose before letting silence crisp the air. When she did resume speaking, her tone had calmed a little.

‘Ned might have been vanilla, boring even, but in a weird way, Theo...’ She paused to wipe her eyes.

‘What?’ He sank down next to her on the floor and again hesitated before taking her hand.

She drew breath, steeling herself. ‘In a weird way, that vanilla life would have been much easier to bear. Maybe not as exciting or as grand.’ She whimpered at this truth. ‘I think I love you too much, Theo, and I think I wanted perfect – the dream, kids.’ She shot him a significant look. ‘At least I could understand him – his predictability, his transparency. I knew what to expect, but with you...’

She heard him swallow the lump in his throat before he spoke. ‘To be able to come home to you has for me always been the best thing.’

‘When I met you in that lift,’ Anna said, ‘I thought you were everything I had ever wanted. I thought you would make me happy and oh my God how I loved you! How I love you!’

‘I love you too,’ Theo whispered.

‘But we are driftwood floating on the ocean, looking for a point of anchor, and you’re right, I do want someone who will keep me steady. I thought that someone was you.’ She studied his face. ‘But I didn’t realise you were floating like me. Didn’t realise that we were both...’

‘Adrift.’

‘Yes.’ She nodded. ‘We are both adrift, each hoping the other has the compass. And I thought that children would be the anchor for us both. But all the time...’ She shook her head. ‘There was Sophie.’ Sophie, that’s her name, his little girl.

Theo stood slowly and ran his hand over Griff’s flank.

‘Are you going now?’ Her voice cracked.

He nodded. ‘I feel like I’m drowning.’

‘How funny.’ She gave a wry smile. ‘Most drowning people seek out a bit of driftwood...’

She watched him unhook his coat from the newel post and ferret in the pocket for his car keys.

He bent towards her with arms slightly open, unsure whether or not to hold her, both of them instantly and painfully aware of how in such a short space of time the boundaries had shifted between them, to the point where her husband no longer felt able to take his wife in his arms and offer comfort.

‘Just go, Theo! Fuck off to Bristol or anywhere else!’ She jumped up and ran to the front door, holding it ajar, standing with her jaw clenched, waiting until he’d passed.

‘Anna, I... I can’t be the man you need me to be.’

‘So you’ve said. Many times.’ She wiped a stray tear. ‘And actually, tonight, for the first time ever, I am starting to believe you.’

She slammed the door, denying him the chance to speak, before sinking to the floor once more and letting her howls of distress rebound off the walls.

*

In the wee small hours, when she finally made it upstairs to bed, she reached for her notebook on the bedside table.

Fifi and Fox,

I was wrong. The man I loved, the man I love, is not worthy of being your dad. Not worthy of being anyone’s dad. He was right. He has hurt me. He lied to me.

I am too hurt to tell you why.

I am so stupid, so bloody stupid.

Why me? Why is it always me? If there is a God, what did I do that angered him so much that he saw fit to mess up every single aspect of my life?

I can’t even think straight. Can’t even think.

I am at a crossroads, in turmoil, and there is no signpost telling me which way to go. It’s at times like this that I miss my mum so much it hurts. It still hurts, even after all these years. What I long for more than anything is to feel her arms around me, telling me everything is going to be okay.

Anna