(A Kiss Goodbye… to Everything)

NOW

(Adena)

I woke up to find Evan and Riley cleaning the downstairs. They were talking, laughing, sharing old stories. Scott was gone. Ashley and Chloe were gone. And apparently whatever started between Mike and Leah began on the top step of the back porch, then went to Mike’s house.

“There she is,” Evan said as he held a trash bag open as Riley cleaned up pretzels from the floor.

“Morning,” Riley said.

“You two don’t have to do this,” I said. “I can clean up the house. It was my party.”

“It’s fine,” Evan said. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“I woke up outside, shivering,” Riley said.

“You didn’t sleep on the couch?” I asked her.

“I guess not. I’m going to get going to sleep for the rest of the day. Yay for no work and no boyfriend and all that fun stuff.”

Riley finished cleaning up the floor and grabbed a coffee mug.

“Let me make you something to eat,” I said to her.

“I’m fine, Adena. This isn’t my first hangover after a party.”

“Right,” I said. “You were one of the cool kids.”

“So were you,” Riley said. “You just didn’t believe it.”

I laughed. “Yeah, right.”

Evan poured me some coffee and added just the right amount of cream and sugar. Now if that wasn’t a gesture of true love, I didn’t know what was.

“Hey, that was fun last night,” Riley said. “I mean, we’re probably too old to do that shit, but it was still fun. Almost like we were saying goodbye to everything. You know?”

I nodded. “Yeah. It was good. Thank you, Riley. For being here. And you really didn’t have to clean up.”

“Enjoy the rest of your day,” she said. “And for the record, I hope you never go back to work for anyone. The happiest I’ve ever seen you, Adena, was when you were working for yourself. That, and when Evan just handed you that coffee mug.”

I felt color rush to my face. “I just like coffee a lot.”

“Sure,” Riley said with a wink.

I looked at Evan as Riley left the house. “Don’t get any ideas. I really like coffee.”

“Me too,” Evan said. “Me too.”

He was super cool as he leaned against the dining room table instead of sitting in a chair. His arms filling out his t-shirt in a totally unfair way. The way his sleepy hair still looked sexy as hell.

“I have to go to the shop,” he said. “Need to get some work done. I’ll be back when I’m done.”

“How about I come visit you,” I said. “I’m going to clean some more stuff out of… her room…” I paused for a few seconds. “I’m sure I’ll need a break from this place by then.”

“Whatever you want to do,” Evan said. “We have every tomorrow after today, Dena.”

I laughed. “Is that you being poetic and romantic?”

“Nah. Just me telling the truth.”

I looked at Evan. “You really don’t worry about the future?”

“I do, but I hide it.”

“Gosh, I wish Aunt Beth was still alive to see this. To see you. She really liked you, Evan. I know she gave you a hard time but she liked you.”

“I know,” Evan said. “I liked her. She got an unfair hand in everything. She did amazing though.”

“Sometimes I wonder if she’d still be here…”

“I don’t think you can do that,” Evan said. “You never know when it’s your time.”

“The stress, Evan. The stress. The hurt. The anger. The worry. It’s like a sickness…”

Evan slipped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me to his chest. Funny how just twelve hours ago the table was bustling with laughter. We were playing the card game bullshit, drinking, enjoying life. Now, there I was, getting emotional again over my past.

I loved Evan for letting me cry. But I quickly sucked it up and wiped my eyes.

“You better get going,” I said.

“Nah. Uncle Davey can’t ever fire me. I’ll stay as long as you need me.”

“I’m fine, Evan. I promise. I just get caught up sometimes. This house. What it all means.”

“I know you do,” he said. He put his thumb to the middle of my chin and wiggled his thumb a few times.

“Go to work,” I said. I pushed at his chest. “I’m done with you for now.”

Evan smiled. “You have no idea what you do to my heart, Dena.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I said.

I walked him to the door and kissed him about ten times. He walked down two steps, turned, and ran back to me. He kissed me one more time and then finally left. I must have licked my lips fifty times after that, wanting to keep tasting him.

But I told myself to focus. I had a plan. What Evan didn’t know yet was that I wanted to clean out Anna’s room and then sell the house. I had no reason to keep the house anymore. I could take the memories in my heart anywhere I wanted. Which was my plan. To take the memories with me… and go wherever Evan wanted to go.

I hurried upstairs and got changed into fresh clothes. Then I went into Anna’s room again. I told myself to turn my heart off and just get through cleaning out the closet. I opened the door and saw her clothes. There was that smell of her. Cheap perfume and cigarette smoke. I stuck my hand into the closet and started shifting the clothes to the right. I grabbed a bunch of them and turned, throwing them to the bed. That was the plan. Empty the closet to the bed. Then pack it all up and donate it.

I wiggled my body into the closet to get all the way to the end. I reached for the last hanger and slid it across the bar with a scratching sound.

Then I stepped back.

I realized what I was now looking at.

My fingertips grazed along… the dress.

The dress I saved up to buy. The dress Anna stole. The dress she wore to the dance with Evan. The dress that broke my heart.

I didn’t know Anna kept the dress. Last I figured she got rid of it.

I covered my mouth with one hand.

But that was just the start…

… I was about to find out what Anna had hidden in the dress for me.

* * *

The handwritten letter was hooked to the inside of the dress with a paperclip. My name clear as day on the letter. A note written from my sister to me. Something that had never happened before in my life. In our lives. I wondered for a second if I should just rip it up and burn it. The dress too. It didn’t really matter, Anna was gone and I wasn’t.

I slowly stepped back until I hit the bed. Then I sat down on the pile of clothes on Anna’s bed.

I stared at the words.

Adena,

I don’t know if there is ever a good time to give you this. Believe it or not I’m actually sober right now as I write this. Sitting at my window where I used to sneak cigarettes because that was the cool thing to do. I look down at the roof and I wonder how many different footprints are there. What have I done to myself, Adena? What have I done to you? Our parents are dead. I always wondered if I did that to them. You know, me being born making them get so lost and off track that one bad decision led to another and then they were gone. Kind of like my entire life, right? Just one bad decision after another until… I’m gone. I’m going to be gone soon, I can feel it. I don’t know how I get to the ending, but I know the ending already. There’s no saving me, Adena. It’s too late. I mean, look at what I’ve done. I killed our aunt. You can never say I didn’t do that to her. I killed her. And to think, all she wanted to do was love us. I know that’s what she wanted. I knew that then, too. It’s not like I’m having some epiphany in my life or something, okay? Aunt Beth loved me and I hated her for loving me. I broke her sweet soul and burned her to ashes until she dropped dead of a heart attack. The worst part was that all I wanted from her was money. Hoping Aunt Beth had money to leave behind.

But she had nothing.

You got the house. I got to keep my bedroom.

Everywhere I go in life I ruin people. I ruin situations. I do it on purpose though. It’s not by chance. It’s by design. I want to crush the world and I don’t know why. The only time I ever remember feeling safe was with you, Adena. You’d always hold me. Tell me stories. Play with my hair. I could fall asleep on you and feel safe in life. Any other time in life I just didn’t feel safe. Why? I don’t know. It’s like this… you ever get a strange feeling that someone is standing right behind you? And you turn around and nobody is there, right? That’s me all the time. I just feel like something is on me. Waiting to get me.

I really hurt you with the dress. I kept the dress on purpose to give back to you. I just never found the right time or the right words. I stole a moment that you worked so hard for. I knew you had money in that box of notes. I read every single note. You were such a dork in school, Adena. I never understood how you could be such a prude. How you could never live life a little. How you could never push the bar, cross the line, just have some fucking fun. It hurt me. And it made me jealous. I found the money and I thought about stealing it all. I knew you wouldn’t do a thing. You never did a thing when I took your money. Same with Aunt Beth. You two never stood up to me.

I left the money though. I had a bigger prize in mind. I took Evan from you. The day we met Evan, he looked right at you. It was like I didn’t exist. Then the way you looked at him. I thought right then I was going to lose you. Why not? He would have taken care of you. He would have made you into a woman. It drove me insane, Adena. Just the thought of it. So I forever stole him from you. The day I heard about the engagement ring? That was a lie. Mazzy never said anything to me. I made it up. There was no real ring, I think. I just wanted you jealous and Aunt Beth mad. I worked hard to spread that rumor and actually convinced everyone to believe it happened. The pregnancy thing? Evan didn’t get me pregnant. In fact, I never slept with Evan. Not once. It wasn’t for lack of want or trying. He was just always there, by my side, like he wanted to keep me out of trouble. But he never could. Plus, I knew the more I pulled him along, the farther away he’d be from you.

I should have never taken that dress from you. Or your moment. Or everything else I did. I ruined everything and I will forever ruin everything in your life, Adena. I killed our aunt. I let you take beatings from our parents. I missed our parents with a heavy heart even though they did that stuff to you. I stole your dress. I stole the guy you loved. I took down your business and left you in pieces and just stepped over the pieces. Maybe I should apologize, but how can I when I know I won’t stop doing it? If you get a dollar, Adena, I’m going to rip it in half so we both can’t have it.

That’s me. And I’ll be gone soon so don’t worry so much about it. And when I’m gone you’ll have your dress back again. The one you worked for. The one you paid for. The one you probably wore around your bedroom, imagining Evan touching you. Yet I stole the dress. I wore it. Evan touched me instead.

Speaking of which… the night he left. I was in the hospital. After the accident. Nobody thought I was going to survive. If I had died, you would have been happier. Aunt Beth would still be alive. You two would probably be knitting blankets on the couch, talking about the economy. I survived but Joey didn’t. The one guy that could break Evan down a little and make him jealous. The one guy Evan begged me to never go near. How funny, right? Joey ended up killing himself that night, and almost killed me.

Evan left that night because he knew he did something wrong. He thought he could save me and I told him it was his final chance to save me. To love me the way he loved you. To take me right then and have me in a way I never had before. To pack up everything we owned and just leave. We would have been better off because we were both broken souls. That’s what I wanted. He asked me to stay with him. He swore he loved me. I remember the sound of the thumping music at the party coming through the walls. We were alone in the bedroom together. The moment was everything a girl could ever wish for. You probably don’t remember because you’re such a fucking prude, but there’s a time when a girl feels things but doesn’t understand why. Things that go beyond butterflies. I’m talking… things… in her body. Well, all those things came rushing back to me that night with Evan. Except I knew what I was doing. I was a woman. He was a man. I didn’t care what anyone had to say about that.

He took me to bed, Adena. That night, Evan finally took me to bed. Maybe not in the way I made you think, but that’s okay with me. I wanted you to think something happened. I wanted that to burn in you forever. The image of me and Evan in bed together. Because I always get what I want. Now I know what’s next for me, and that’s to be gone. Because that night, Evan broke me. He destroyed me. It was all supposed to be beautiful but it wasn’t. So I decided to attack him. And you. If I broke him for good, I’d break you for good. Joey had a faster car anyway. He didn’t mind driving drunk and reckless. Speed was his thing and it was totally my thing. I just didn’t think he’d close his eyes as we were driving. I saw him with his eyes closed, head to the side against the window. I thought he was dead. So I jammed my fingers into his neck. He jumped up, awake, and cursed at me. He slammed the back of his hand to my face. I covered my face as I cried out in pain. He made a fist like a hammer and started swinging at me, muttering something. The car started to swerve left to right. For whatever reason, I thought I could climb into the back of the car and hide from him. I think it was that move that saved my life. Because the car lost control for good. I remember this horrible slam sound. Like a crack of thunder. I lost my breath and felt like I was getting sucked into a storm. Except the storm was my life. I was through the windshield and that was the last thing I remember until I woke up.

There’s your story, Adena. There’s everything you’ve wanted to know. I swore to myself I would write this to you someday. And I swore to myself I would do it sober. Now, I’ve been staring at a bottle of vodka the entire time I’m writing this. You’re in your room, snoring in bed. You’re going to get up and go to that job you hate. The job I made you take because I ruined your company. I went into your room and thought about climbing into bed with you like I used to do. I know you’d still hold me. I know you’d still tell me good stories about our life. You always tried to convince me life was good. That our life was good. That things weren’t as bad as it seemed.

And here I thought I was a liar the entire time. You were, Adena. You were a ruthless liar. I guess I could blame you for everything, huh? But I won’t. I know it’s my fault. I want to break things. I want to hurt people. I kept this dress to give back to you but I never gave it back because… why give you that joy? You’d probably hurry and put the dress on. You’d probably find Evan and dance with him the way you dreamed of. Because at the end of it all, you’re the perfect one, Adena. Not me. Not me being skinnier. Not me being more fun. Not me being more willing. Not me being louder and getting more attention. You’re the perfect one. How? Because you were always you.

So I guess if I could say something positive, I guess I would tell you to never stop being you. And that I swear on my heart that isn’t there that I love you. You will always be my big sister. You were my security blanket when I had nothing. If I cried you were there. If I had a bad dream you were there. If I needed someone to cover for me you were there. If I wanted to hurt you… you were there.

You were you. I was never me. I don’t know who I am. I’ll never know now. It’s too late. In fact, the last time I felt pretty? Was wearing this dress.

I love you, Adena. I know you love me. Just please don’t ever lose yourself when I’m finally gone.

• Anna

I folded up the letter and swallowed the boulder stuck in my throat. I slid off the bed to the floor, bringing Anna’s clothes with me. I was surrounded by her stuff. The smell of her clothes. The letter in my hand. And the dress hanging in the closet. The only thing left hanging in the closet.

I didn’t want to cry but I couldn’t help it. Never in my life had Anna written me a letter or confessed to anything. She had spent her life blaming everyone else for her problems. What got to me even more than that was I wanted to know when she wrote the letter. Was it a month ago? A year ago? Or was it the night she died? Did she write the letter… drink all that vodka… go drive her car…? Did she try and replicate the accident from years ago that should have killed her?

The questions hit me and hit me hard. I started to swing my arms and fought away all her clothes. I got to my feet and had to get out of that room. The only thing I took with me was the letter. I rushed into the bathroom and dropped the letter as I hurried to the sink. I grabbed the sink and hovered over it, feeling like I was going to be sick. Coughing. My hair in my face. I turned on the water and put a shaky hand under it. I got a drink and took a few deep breaths. I stood up and looked at my reflection in the mirror.

I glanced down to the letter on the bathroom floor. I didn’t need to read it again. The words were raw and clung to me like glue. Never once did Anna apologize for what she did. She took pride in it. Yet she loved me. She knew what she was doing with Evan. And the night of the accident…

I sucked in a shivering breath and crouched to get the letter.

I wasn’t going to stand around and talk to myself.

No.

I wasn’t going to stand around this house anymore either.

Anna was gone. She left behind scars that were unseen but forever felt. She also left the dress behind.

The last tie to her. The standing memory of all she did to me.

It was time to destroy the dress…