(The Breakfast I’ve Always Dreamed Of)

NOW

(Adena)

When I saw the bucket next to the bed, I shut my eyes and wanted to go back to sleep. I pulled the covers over my head. To my ultimate surprise, I didn’t feel like death. I was warm, comfortable, wearing a hoodie in bed. I peeled the covers off my body and sat up. I laughed. Like literally laughed. Out loud.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

I drank how much vodka yesterday? And yet a great sleep made it feel like nothing had happened. That nothing was wrong.

Except everything was wrong.

I was alone.

Completely and totally alone.

I climbed out of my bed and walked down the hallway to her room. Was that the thing to do now? Refer to my dead sister as her? No longer saying her name, thinking her name, acknowledging her existence?

I put my hand to her door.

I opened it, knowing the room would be empty. It was totally different than when she was younger. Now the bedroom was just basic. A bed. A dresser. The closet. No pictures. If anything, the room already looked unoccupied. Just a spare bedroom, which was the room’s fate now that she was gone.

It was all real. No denial or anything.

I turned, shutting the door, and went downstairs.

I saw two coffee mugs on the dining room table just as the smell hit me.

“Hello?” I called out. “Riley? You in there?”

For a moment I thought of her as a ghost. Coming back to make up for everything she had done wrong.

That was crazy to think.

What was even crazier to me was who appeared.

Evan.

He gave a quick wave as he grabbed one of the mugs.

“Hope you don’t mind,” he said. “I snooped through the cupboards until I found coffee.”

“Evan…”

He yawned as he lifted the mug toward his mouth.

My eyes couldn’t control themselves as I scanned down and back up. Part of me wanted to make sure he was really here. Or maybe I was just trapped in some dream. Part of me was seeing what he had become. I had seen him yesterday but that didn’t really count.

He stood there with the sleeves of his long sleeved shirt pushed up. He had these muscled forearms that were bigger than some guys upper arms. His hands were as big as ever, the coffee mug looking like a toy in his hand. He didn’t grab the mug by the handle either. He cupped the entire thing with one hand.

His hair was dark and messy, just above his eyes.

And his eyes…

His eyes…

“Evan,” I whispered. “What…”

“You, uh, were a little out of it last night.”

“Last night. What happened last night?”

“Nothing,” Evan said. “I guess you passed out in a chair.”

“On the porch,” I said, remembering. “That’s…”

I looked down.

I laughed.

I had put a hoodie on over my dress. And that’s how I was still dressed. A hoodie over a black dress. How the hell did I sleep comfortably wearing this?

“I look like a mess,” I said.

“Nah,” Evan said. “You look great.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Evan pointed to the other mug. “Coffee.”

“That I’ll take.”

I stepped toward the table, the distance between us getting less and less. It felt strange to me. But in a weird way, it was a little comforting.

“So you stayed here last night?” I asked.

“Yeah. Slept upstairs with you.”

“What?”

Evan grinned. The scruffy five o’clock shadow on his face worked so good on him. He was hotter than the coffee in my mug. And I wasn’t sure if I should have been having those thoughts right then but I couldn’t help it.

“I was on the floor,” Evan said. “After I carried you to bed-”

“You carried me to bed?”

“Yeah. You didn’t walk, Dena.”

Dena…

I exhaled a breath into my coffee.

He was the only one who ever called me that. And that was only because he once told me I was too different from her to share the same first letter.

“You really slept on the floor?” I asked.

“Yeah. Riley took everyone home that she could fit in her SUV. You weren’t moving on your own out there. Plus, I figured it wouldn’t be nice for you to wake up alone.”

“Yeah. Right.” I looked down at my coffee again.

Alone.

Evan walked to the table and took a seat. He was just inches from me. I could smell him.

“Dena,” he whispered. “I didn’t get to talk to you yesterday. So I have to get it off my chest today. I am really sorry for what happened.”

“Are you?” I asked. “Is anyone actually sorry?”

Evan sighed. “Look…”

“Evan,” I said. I grabbed his hand. My small hand barely covered anything of his massive fist on the table. “I woke up this morning and felt great. I walked to her room and stood there. There’s no sign of her, okay? This wasn’t her home. This was her comfort place. You were worried about me waking up alone? I’ve been doing that for years. And looking at her room, you know what I thought about?”

“What?” he asked.

“Freedom,” I said. “That’s what I have now. Freedom. I can start my business again… I could…”

“You had a business?” Evan asked.

“Yeah. I did baking and catering. Had my own place, too. A logo. A real company, Evan. I’m not some loser that just hung around here.”

“Whoa, I didn’t say that, Dena. I didn’t mean that. I remember you used to bake all the time. And you had these notes, right? About the business you wanted. You even did your high school final project about it. You had a business plan.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You remember that?”

“Of course I do. Plus, I sort of copied you.”

“How so?”

“Never told you this, Dena, but I basically copied your business plan and changed it to an auto shop.”

“What?”

Evan winked. “Couldn’t help it. I needed to get out of school.”

“I’m sure they would have kicked you out either way. They would have given you a diploma to go away.”

Evan laughed. “That’s true. I wasn’t very popular around those halls, huh?”

“Neither was I.”

Evan leaned back against his chair. “Damn. I can’t believe this is happening. Or happened. Or whatever. I don’t even know what to say right now. Tell me about your business.”

“I don’t want to. I said had, as in used to have… it’s not open anymore.”

“Oh, damn. Why not?”

“Anna,” I said.

Then we were silent for a few seconds.

Evan drank the rest of his coffee. “I know you don’t want to dig around the past. But I feel like we’ve got enough of it between us to last a long time. A lot of things unsaid.”

“That’s how it goes,” I said. “You move forward and then look back. It’s life, Evan.”

He leaned toward me and grabbed my hand. “No, Dena, not for us. Not for everything that happened. You and I know that.”

“Okay. So then what? Where do you want to start? Explain why you were here and then gone? And now you suddenly show up because Anna is dead. You spent the night as a favor to me. Gee, thanks, Evan.”

I stood up.

“Whoa, Dena,” he said. “Wait a second here.”

“No,” I said. “I’m not the victim anymore, Evan. I’m not going to be hurt anymore.”

“Nobody said you had to be a victim,” Evan said.

“Good. I’m fine, Evan. I’m here. I’m awake. I’m not hungover. I’m not crying.”

“Dena, come on,” he said. “Are you really going to put up a wall right now?”

“Seriously?” I asked.

I looked at Evan and suddenly everything went through my mind. Meeting him. Anna kissing him. Him looking at me with those eyes. Torturing my heart. Teasing my body. Always occupied with Anna and her bullshit. Then what happened with the engagement thing… the dress thing… the accident…

“I’d rather put up a wall than abandon everyone,” I said.

Evan took the hit and just stood there. “That’s right. That’s what I did. Keep it coming, Dena. Get that off your chest.”

“You have nothing to do with my chest,” I said.

In my head it sounded cool and bitchy. When I said it, it sounded strange. And then I had Evan looking at my chest.

“You can be pissed all you want at me, Dena,” he said. “You have every right…”

“Just go,” I said. “I’m going to take a shower and live my life. You can run away again.”

Ha! That sounded much better.

So I left it at that.

I walked to the stairs and made it up the first two steps to the first landing.

That’s when I felt a hand touch my waist.

I spun around and Evan was right there. I was actually eye level with him now, being up two steps.

I just stared. I lost all thoughts. All words.

“Fine,” he said. “She mattered to me, okay? I cared about her. A lot. She broke my heart more times than I could count. But I cared about you too, Dena. And you weren’t just some second thought, okay? You were always the first thought I had. In some way I kind of hoped I could take Anna away so you could thrive.”

“Oh, please,” I said. “You’re not a hero, Evan.”

“Am I wearing a fucking cape?”

I swallowed hard.

“That’s what I thought,” he said. “I didn’t disappear. I didn’t run away. I moved. I work for my uncle at his welding shop. That’s my life. And if you think for one second I haven’t thought about you every single day, you’re crazy. So put up your wall, I don’t care. I didn’t ask to stay. I was going to leave last night.”

“Then leave right now,” I said. “I don’t need you here. I don’t need anyone. They all fucking leave me anyway.”

The last part I didn’t mean to say.

“Dena…”

I clutched at Evan’s shirt. “I said to go.”

“Right,” he whispered. “That’s what you want.”

“You have no idea what I want.”

I let his shirt go and wanted to slap him. I wanted to punch him.

But I knew the right thing was to walk away.

I didn’t walk away though.

I lingered.

I waited for him to make a move.

And he did.

After all the years of waiting… Evan grabbed me by the waist and pulled me close…

And he kissed me.

* * *

The water felt good as it hit my body. I thought of it as a dark blanket as I hugged myself in its warmth. I shivered as though the water was cold, but truthfully, that had nothing to do with the water. I waited for his hands to touch my shoulders. To slide down my arms and touch my hands. Then guide me. Move my hands to all the places he needed and all the places I had ever dreamed of. Or maybe he would start at my waist. Those strong and callused hands holding me in a way no man ever could. Pulling at me, bringing me to his body. Allow my exposed and wet skin to feel everything that was hard on him.

I sighed and water sputtered from my lips.

I stepped back, out of the water, and ran my hands down my face. Face it, this was no different than when I was younger. Meaning everything was in my head. My body may have felt what my thoughts were offering but there was no real feeling. I proved it to my heart even more by looking over my shoulder to the rest of the empty shower. I reached for the shower curtain and peeled it back, biting my lip, and the bathroom stood empty. The door shut. The steam plastering itself against the mirror. I was even dumb enough to stand there for a few seconds, waiting to see if the doorknob was going to turn.

It didn’t turn.

Evan was gone.

He had pulled me to him, down on the stairs. Our lips crashed together like a wreck waiting to happen for years. My hands gripped his shirt as I quickly froze up. His hands squeezed at my hips tight as we kept kissing. This wasn’t some pity peck on the lips either. We were kissing… I was his height, which was something I had never experienced before. Our mouths opening and closing, Evan gently pulling away, enough to make a sweet sound, but never far enough to let me catch my breath. My hands then moving up until I touched his neck, then his jaw. Feeling the steel of his jaw, the scruff that made him look all man.

That’s when I pulled away.

Damn fool. Why? Why would you do that?

I pulled away and licked my lips to taste him. But I didn’t need to taste him on my lips… I could taste all of the real thing. Standing there. Staring at me. With a hint of hurt in his eyes. And that’s what did it. The hurt. We were both hurt. I could confess freedom to anyone who would listen, but Evan knew it was bullshit.

So what did that mean? He was finally going to fuck me? Out of hurt? Out of… what?

I then walked up the stairs without saying a word to Evan.

And now I was in the shower.

The water was supposed to wash stuff away but it didn’t. It felt good on the outside, but on the inside, I was still a mess.

My stomach did backflips.

Because it wasn’t the first time I’d said goodbye to Evan with silence.