CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Charley
The next morning, I had to make some decisions of my own. I left Nick’s early to avoid any potential press stalkers and to give Nick time alone to think over the offer. On the long walk back to my place, I made a spontaneous decision to stop for coffee. After spilling the hot coffee all over my hand, I reached for a stack of napkins at the same time as someone else. I looked up and what I saw made me spill my coffee again.
“Kurt!”
The man did a double take and his face froze. “Charley?”
Of all the coffee shops in D.C., I managed to pick the one that led me directly to Kurt Garrison. In addition to being someone with whom I had gone to high school, Kurt had also been best friends with Ben Talbot, the kid that had killed my brother and bunch of other kids my senior year.
“How are you, Kurt?” It was eerie how much he still looked like the 18-year-old boy I remembered from back then.
“Fine.” For a second it looked like he was going to run away, but his manners got the better of him. “You?”
“I’m alright.” I hesitated. “You live in D.C. now?”
“Moved here after college. I do consulting work for the justice department.” Kurt still wouldn’t make eye contact with me.
“That’s nice.” A pregnant, uncomfortable pause followed.
“Sorry. I would ask you the same, but I saw you on the news. I’m all caught up on your life.” He didn’t seem very happy about that.
“Yeah, well.” There wasn’t much to say after that. “I should be going. It was nice running into you.”
“Hey, Charley,” Kurt called after me. I turned around wearily. “I know about you and Ben.”
My heart jumped in my chest. I couldn’t speak, but I moved closer to Kurt to keep everyone else from overhearing whatever he was about to say next.
“I know you guys were a couple. He told me all about you.” Hurt flashed across his face. “I know Ben did a really bad thing, but he was my best friend. He wasn’t always a bad guy.”
I touched Kurt’s arm. “I know. I remember.”
Kurt nodded. “Good. I shouldn’t be the only one that remembers something good about Ben.”
To say that seeing Kurt had shaken me didn’t accurately capture my state when I returned to my apartment. For a good amount of time, I was more or less comatose. Nick called around lunch time and the sound of his voice brought me back. Unfortunately, it brought me a little too far back and I had a minor breakdown on the phone.
Fifteen minutes later, Nick was pounding on my door. I let him in, ignoring the now regular guests that crowded my stoop. With the door shut firmly behind us, Nick surveyed me carefully.
“What happened?” he said once he was certain I hadn’t suffered any physical harm.
I headed back to my spot on the couch without saying a word. All I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and sleep for a week. Nick had other plans. He put on a pot of coffee and brought me a steaming cup. I wrapped my hands around it while Nick took a seat on the opposite end of the couch. The fact that he kept so much distance between us told me that he wasn’t here to comfort me– he was here to make me talk.
“I don’t know where to start.”
“Just start.”
I turned in my seat so that I was facing Nick and I hugged my legs to my chest, taking a long sip of the hot liquid and letting it burn my tongue and throat.
“I want to start by telling the truth, but I’ve been lying for so long I don’t even know what’s true anymore.” Actually, a part of me did know the truth I just didn’t want to admit it. “I ran into someone from my high school this morning.”
“A friend?”
“No, not a friend. At least, not my friend.” Kurt and I had only spoken a handful of times. “Kurt was best friends with Ben.”
“Ben? As in the shooter?”
I nodded. “The part of the story I didn’t tell you, the part I never told anyone, is that Ben wasn’t just the shooter. He was my boyfriend.”
I expected a reaction from Nick, but he didn’t even flinch. “Okay.”
“Ben was a troublemaker. He never went to class, had been arrested a couple of times for underage drinking. He was exactly the kind of guy my parents would never have let me date. Which is probably why I ended up dating him. We kept it a secret so my parents wouldn’t find out.” I remembered all those nights of lying to my parents and sneaking out of the house. At the time it had been a thrill. It was my first act of rebellion and it had been intoxicating.
“After a while, I grew tired of the secret. My parents knew something was going on and they barely let me out of their sight. I was ready to break up with Ben, but then…” There was no denying that this next revelation was going to get a reaction from Nick. “He turned violent.”
Nick sucked in a sharp breath and the rest of his body froze.
“I know– what a cliché.” I laughed bitterly. “Good girl dates a bad boy and he hurts her. I’m every teenage girl’s cautionary tale.”
“What did he do to you?” Nick’s voice was tight.
“When I told him I wanted to break up, he pushed me against a wall and tried to hit me. I managed to duck out of the way.” I shuddered when I remembered the anger in his eyes, how his hands had balled into fists and he punched the wall so hard his knuckles bled. “I saw his temper that day, and it scared me. I stopped seeing him, but he wouldn’t leave me alone.”
“I missed a week of school– feigning a bad case of the flu. My parents never found out the truth.” Neither had any of my friends. None of them had even known I was dating Ben. “Looking back, he clearly had mental issues, but I never suspected just how bad it was.”
“Shit, Charley,” Nick said, with the familiar sound of pity.
“A week later, he shot up the cafeteria. Looking for me.” There was the truth that I had been keeping buried all these years. “All those kids died because of me.”
Nick opened his mouth, preparing to comfort me.
“Stop.” I cut him off. “I know what you’re going to say. I know that I didn’t kill those kids. I’m not the one to blame, not really. Ben was the shooter. But it’s still true that he killed them because of me.”
Nick moved over on the couch until he was close enough to put a comforting hand on my leg. “You shouldn’t think of it that way, Charley. He killed them because he had severe issues. There’s a good chance it would’ve happened anyway. You were just his excuse.”
I didn’t bother arguing with Nick. He was saying all the things he was supposed to say, but it wasn’t going to change the way I felt. “I just wish I could move past that day. Ten years later and it’s still haunting me.”
“I think you need closure, Charley.”
“No.” I shook my head furiously. “I know what you’re going to say, and no.”
Nick’s lips pressed into a hard line. “Why are you afraid to go back?”
“It’s not fear.”
“Then what?”
I took a deep breath and said, “Going back will bring back everything I felt that day, and the days after. I don’t ever want to feel that way again.”
“You can’t know that. It might help you heal.”
I wondered if Nick could be right. For so long I had been certain that returning to that place could break me, but what if it could put me back together instead? Was I strong enough to risk it?
“Just think about it, Charley.” Nick held up his hands. “I won’t pressure you. But if you decide you want to go, I’ll go with you if you want.”
“Really?” I raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Why would you want to do that?”
Nick laughed. “For you, silly. I want to support you.”
“Speaking of supporting each other, have you made a decision yet?” I felt bad bothering Nick with my issues when he had such an important decision to make.
Nick frowned. “No, not yet. There’s a lot to consider.”
“You should get back to it then.” When Nick gave me a doubtful look, I said sternly, “I am fine, Moore. Go.”
“You’ll call me if you need anything? Even just to talk?”
I held out my pinky finger. “I promise.”
Nick smiled and wrapped his own pinky around mine. “I haven’t done a pinky promise since I was ten.”
“You’ve led a boring life since then.”
With Nick gone, I headed to the bathroom and filled the tub with burning water. I sank into it and stayed there until the water was cold and I no longer felt like crying. I made an important decision in that tub.
Secrets were dangerous. Nick’s secret about the baby rumor had almost ruined our relationship. My secret about Ben had been eating away at me for years and it wasn’t until I told my story to Nick that I realized just how damaging it had been. I needed to face my demons. But first I would support Nick, whatever his decision.
* * *
Nick spent the entire two days weighing the President’s offer. When my phone rang late on the second night, I knew what he was going to say. It wasn’t an offer he could reject. He was being asked to serve his country and he had to say yes.
What had been more surprising was his request that I stand with him as the President made the announcement. An informal announcement had already been circulating around the country since Nick had met with the President and accepted the offer. Now, a week later, the President had to announce his appointment to Congress and the country.
“I need you ready to go in ten minutes.”
I glanced up at the woman that had entered the room wearing a headset and holding an obnoxious orange clipboard. Nick was by my side, holding my hand and exuding an unnatural sense of calm.
“Are you nervous?” I asked when clipboard lady was gone. We were alone in the holding area.
“Nah, I’ve got my good luck charm,” Nick said with a squeeze of my hand.
“You should see if you can get a refund, Mr. Vice President,” I joked.
Nick flinched a little and his jaw tightened. He was more nervous than he was letting on. It was adorable.
“Huh,” I said.
“What?” Nick fidgeted. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I just realized something.” I leaned close until my lips were almost touching Nick’s ear. “I’m kind of crazy about you.”
Nick exhaled in relief and pulled me in for a hug. “I know the feeling.”
“I apologize in advance if I trip or yawn out there.” I pulled away and smoothed out the wrinkles I had made in Nick’s shirt.
“I apologize in advance if I cry or wet myself.” Nick tucked a wayward strand of hair behind my ear.
I straightened the knot in his tie and gave him a perfunctory kiss. “Where have you been all my life?”
“Waiting to meet you.”
* * *
Nick and I were given one whole weekend after his nomination to enjoy the calm before the storm. We spent the entire weekend in his condo, and nearly all of that time in his bed. The days were spent binge watching reruns of War and Death, having sex, and eating Chinese food in bed. All in all, it was a perfect weekend.
But Sunday night, I couldn’t ignore the feeling of dread that was settling over me as I snuggled next to Nick in bed.
“Everything changes tomorrow,” I said, my lips lightly grazing his chest.
We had been blocking out the real world for as long as possible, but about fifteen minutes earlier, Nick had quietly turned on the news. The continuous coverage of his nomination proved that when we left his condo in the morning, we would be leaving our old lives behind for good.
Nick sighed. “You might want to consider taking a few days off. Get out of the city for a while.”
“Trying to get rid of me already?” I teased.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” Nick frowned. “I would miss you, but I think you should consider getting away from this place before it becomes a complete circus.”
“I have to face it eventually,” I said, just as the television screen flashed a picture of me on Nick’s arm, taken just a few nights before at the fundraiser in New York. It felt like years since that night. “Unless you’ve changed your mind about us?”
Nick’s arm tightened around me and his lips on mine were the only answer I needed.
The next morning, Nick tried to convince me again that I should leave town. When I refused, he offered to let me stay at his place.
“It’s a nice offer, Nick, but I need to keep living my life. I would go crazy locked up in here alone.”
Nick leered at me. “I could keep you company. We could try to break that record we set yesterday…” He trailed off as his lips moved down my neck.
“I can barely walk as it is.” I sighed and pushed him away. “Besides, you have a big day ahead of you. Aren’t you supposed to be at the White House in an hour?”
“Yes,” he said, pouting like a little boy being scolded.
“You might want to get in the shower then,” I said, trying to sound stern.
I yelped as he scooped me up. “Good idea. A shower is just what I need.”
As reluctant as I had been at his offer for another round in the sack, a hot shower turned out to be just what I needed, too. It didn’t hurt that Nick’s hands made continuous, soothing strokes over my body.
“We can’t stay in here all day,” I reminded him without much conviction.
“Just five more minutes.”
“Nope.” I placed my hand firmly on his chest and pushed him away. “I’m not going to let you be late for your meeting.
“Fine.” Nick groaned. “I’ll go to my meeting at the White House.”
Nick insisted on walking me outside, only after calling for a car to drive me home. He didn’t want me to face the hungry news media alone. I also think he didn’t want to face them alone either.
“As long as I’m with you, you’ll have Secret Service protection,” he added on our way down in the elevator. We were flanked by two serious looking men. A rotation of Secret Service agents had been guarding Nick’s condo all weekend. “We should probably look into getting you some of your own security.”
“No way,” I said, a little too quickly. For the benefit of our new friends in the elevator, I added, “No offense.”
Neither of them reacted.
When we exited through the lobby doors, I started to change my mind. As much as the idea of constant supervision horrified me, the sheer number of people waiting to pounce on us as we left was terrifying.
“Your car is right over here, Senator.” The Secret Service agent had to yell to be heard over the clamoring members of the press.
“Her first,” Nick said.
I was escorted to a black sedan with tinted windows. Nick held open the door.
“Good luck today,” I said, trying to ignore the cameras that surrounded us. It helped a little when Nick pulled me into a tight embrace.
“Stay out of trouble today, okay?” he said, lips pressed to my ear. “I’ve got plenty of trouble planned for us later tonight.”
“Is that a promise?”
“Absolutely.”
I was surprised when Nick leaned in for a kiss, a very public display of affection that would surely make the rounds in the media. But he was amazing kisser, so it didn’t take much effort to get over my surprise. After just a minimal amount of tongue, Nick pulled away with a wink. The press reacted by yelling extremely personal questions at him while I ducked into the car.
My driver had been given instructions to drive around for a while to make sure the press didn’t follow us to my apartment. By the time I finally opened my front door, I was already late for work. I called my boss, Eva Porter, and she graciously agreed that I should take the day off.
“Take a day, take a week even. Just promise you’ll come back when the timing is right. We need you around here,” she said. It was very un-Eva-like for her to be so serious.
It didn’t take long for me to realize why Eva had sounded so worried. In the next few hours, I watched my entire life get dissected by every news channel in the country. At first, I was shocked by the attention. Sure, I understood why everyone was interested in Nick’s background. If things went according to plan, he was about to become the second youngest– and arguably sexiest– Vice President ever.
But Nick and I had only been dating a few weeks and it seemed strange for them to be so fixated on our relationship. After watching a few hours of television, it finally clicked for me. They didn’t just see him as a future Vice President, they saw us as their future “royal family.” My friend Anna had been right when she had jokingly compared us to the Kennedys.
It also didn’t help matters that I had such a tragic past– being the only survivor of a deadly school shooting. Between Nick and me, the media had plenty of ammunition in their arsenal.
“Anything to report?” Nick asked cautiously when he called over lunchtime.
“You were on the debate team in college. Your grades could’ve been better, but that’s probably because you spent a lot of time at fraternity parties. You had a questionable hairstyle in your mid-twenties that has led me to reassess your hotness level, and question your fashion choices. A news reporter on channel 4 has a huge crush on you–”
“Funny. Very funny,” Nick said without a trace of humor. “Anything to report about your day?”
“Oh, that. Nope.” I was ashamed to admit that I hadn’t left my couch all morning. I pulled back the corner of my living room curtain and peeked outside. A few cameramen lounged on the front steps. “I took your advice and stayed home.”
“Good.” Nick’s voice faded as he said something to whomever he was with. “I heard the media has been pretty invasive. You doing okay?”
I glanced at the television which was flashing my high school yearbook picture. Where had they gotten that? “I’m fine, Nick. You don’t have to worry about me.”
“Yes, I do.” More conversation that wasn’t directed at me. “Charley, I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you tonight though?”
“Of course.”
The television was replaying scenes from the day of the school shooting– the day I lost my brother– and my chest tightened painfully. For so many years, I had buried my feelings about that day so deep inside me that I had never talked about them with anyone, until Nick. But seeing that footage again, seeing myself being dragged from the building with terror on my face, I couldn’t keep things buried any longer.
Millions of memories flooded my brain and I grabbed my head with both hands. In the past, whenever those memories had threatened to come back, I pushed them back down by drinking massive amounts of alcohol, or even taking sleeping pills. But in recent years, I had developed better coping mechanisms.
To keep myself from going crazy, I pulled on my running gear and let myself out the backdoor and into the alley. As I had guessed, no one was guarding that door and I was able to jog to the next street without being seen. For the next hour, I focused only on putting one foot in front of the other.
It felt good to not think about all of the crazy things that had happened in the last week. The more I ran, the better I felt. Maybe things were a little crazy right now, but I was happy with Nick, and I had to believe that it would all be worthwhile.
So far, the media hadn’t reported anything about me that people couldn’t have easily found on the internet. A simple search would return hundreds of results about the Danville massacre. I could handle that. What I couldn’t handle would be if they learned the full truth. Only a couple people in the world knew the full truth, and I had to believe that if that truth hadn’t come out already, it never would.
Just to be sure, I ran back home at full speed. I was dripping sweat by the time I re-entered the apartment through the backdoor. I splashed some cold water on my face in the bathroom sink and then opened the closet door in my bedroom.
On the top shelf, behind my sweaters and hoodies, I pulled down a nondescript shoebox. Sitting gently on the edge of my bed, I ran a hand over the smooth lid. It had been years since I had held that box and even longer since I had opened it. I couldn’t even remember exactly what was inside. That’s why I removed the lid slowly, hoping that I wasn’t about to create a Pandora situation.
I sucked in a breath as the past came rushing back. Instantly, I was seventeen again, crushing on the boy that sat next to me in physics class.
To say I had been a good girl in high school was an understatement. I never drank, did drugs, smoked a cigarette, or did any of the other things that kids my age did. At least not until I met Ben.
Ben Talbot was the class bad boy, a total cliché. He smoked in the boys’ bathroom, cursed at teachers, sold drugs in the hallways, and drove a fast car. A lot of girls in school thought he was hot, probably influenced by his tough guy persona, but that had never worked on me. By the time senior year rolled around, I had known him for three years and had never once thought of him as anything other than a deadbeat.
But then we were partnered up in physics class, something I perceived to be an injustice. Ben only came to class about half the time, and he never did any of the homework. A month into the school year, I begged for a different partner. After Mr. Crosby rejected that idea, I confronted Ben.
“I need an A in this class,” I said to him when I found him in the hall after he skipped class. Then I did something I never did– I cursed. “Don’t fuck this up for me.”
Ben had stared at me in shock, then smiled a dangerous, promising smile.
“I like a pretty girl with a dirty mouth.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. “Come have a smoke with me and we can talk about this in greater detail.”
“I don’t smoke,” I said, trying to sound annoyed, but I failed.
“Tell you what. You teach me physics, and I’ll teach you how to have fun.” He tucked a cigarette behind his ear and winked at me. “Maybe in the process we’ll both learn a little chemistry.”
I rolled my eyes, but I could also feel my face grow hot as my cheeks flushed.
Over the next few weeks, I tutored him in physics while he tutored me in life. He gave me my first cigarette, first taste of alcohol, and first real kiss. Ben didn’t kiss like the other boys his age. He was experienced beyond his years. Through Ben, I learned that I didn’t have to be perfect, that I could have a little fun and still achieve my goals. And I learned what it felt like to fall in love.
Three months into our new relationship, I lost my virginity in the backseat of his car and when he whispered that he loved me, I believed him. But I also saw a darker side of Ben, a side that scared me. When other guys would stand too close to me, or look at me a little too long, he would shove them away.
When I finally admitted to myself just how much he scared me, I tried to end our relationship. Ben had other plans– he tried to end me. The only thing that saved me the day of the shooting was my brother, selflessly protecting me as the shots rained over us.
Aside from Kurt, no one else had known about us. The only evidence that we had ever been anything more than physics partners lived inside the box I held in my lap. The notes he had written and passed to me when the teacher wasn’t looking. Ticket stubs from the few movies we had seen together, making out in the back row of the theater. A mixed CD with songs that had seemed to be written just for us. And a picture– the only picture of us together that existed– with our arms around each other and adoration in our eyes.
I stared at that picture for a long time. With all that had happened since that day, I barely recognized the girl that smiled back at me. I wanted to go back in time and save her from everything that had yet to happen to her.
I probably could’ve stayed lost in my memories for hours if I hadn’t been interrupted by a pounding on my door. Numbly, I set the box aside and shuffled to the door.
“Charley?” Nick’s beautiful, concerned face studied me from the other side.
“Nick. Come in.” I stepped back, letting him enter.
Over his shoulder, I could see prying eyes fighting to get a shot of us. I slammed the door and flipped the lock into place.
Nick had stopped just inside the door and was staring at me like I was a stranger.
“Did I know you were stopping by?” I asked, still dazed.
Nick frowned. “I tried calling you a dozen times and when you didn’t answer, I started to worry.”
“Sorry.” I tried to remember where I had left my phone. “I was busy.”
“You look like crap,” Nick said.
My eyes flashed. “Thanks, jerk. I just got done with a five-mile run.”
“Just got done?” Nick glanced at me suspiciously. My sweaty clothes and hair had long since dried. “That’s not what I meant anyway. You look like you’re in shock or something.”
“It’s been a long day.” I wasn’t ready to talk to Nick yet about what I had been doing for the last hour or two. “I’m going to shower.”
“Okay.” Nick grabbed my arm as I started past him. “Hey, I’m sorry if I was a major asshole just now.”
I gave him a small smile. “You were only a minor asshole. But you weren’t wrong.”
“Yes, I was.” He pulled me close and kissed the tip of my nose. “Even when you look like crap, you’re still beautiful.”
“Yeah, yeah. You’re just looking for a shower invite.”
Nick grinned. “I wouldn’t say no…”
But just then his phone rang, and by the serious tone of his voice when he answered I knew he wouldn’t be joining me.
As I showered, I tried not to think about anything other than getting clean. I needed to get my mind in a good state if I was going to spend the evening with Nick and not have a mental breakdown in front of him. By the time I dried off and pulled on a pair of comfy sweatpants and my favorite faded t-shirt, I was feeling significantly more stable.
But then I entered my bedroom and found Nick sitting on my bed, reading through Ben’s notes. When he looked up at me, my heart dropped into my stomach. There was no avoiding the truth any longer.