CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Charley
The weather in Wisconsin was at least fifteen degrees cooler than D.C.
I had grown up in the state and spent my formative years there, yet I was still surprised by the drop in temperature.
My father had picked me up from the airport, hugging me fiercely and admonishing me for not visiting sooner. It had been five years since the last time I had stepped foot in Wisconsin and over a year since my parents had visited me in D.C. Dad looked significantly older than I remembered.
“Your mother has been getting ready for your visit since you called,” he said as he drove from Milwaukee to Danville. “It would’ve been nice to have more than 24 hours’ notice.”
“Sorry, Dad. I had some time clear up at work and thought it might be nice to see the family.”
“This doesn’t have anything to do with your newfound celebrity status, does it?” He glanced at me knowingly.
I pretended not to know what he meant. “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Sure you don’t.” Dad rolled his eyes. “I couldn’t help but notice that you traveled alone. Are you planning on introducing us to your new guy any time in the future?”
“It’s debatable.” Neither of us had to mention the fact that I had never introduced my parents to any of the men I had dated.
Dad let it drop at that, but Mom wasn’t nearly as agreeable. The next day, she was still bombarding me with questions about Nick. While it was annoying, I couldn’t exactly blame her. Everyone else in the country was digging into our lives, so it only made sense that Mom was interested, too.
“He’s very attractive,” she said as we drove home after dinner. Dad had a poker match with his buddies, so it was just the two of us. “Your kids will be adorable.”
“Wow, that’s not premature at all.” I stared out the window and willed myself not to reply with too much sass. My mother was actually a very sweet woman, even if she was incredibly annoying. “We only just started dating, Mother.”
“But it’s serious, isn’t it? I can tell.”
We were closing in on Danville High School and I could feel my heart begin to race. “We can do this later, Mom. Please just focus on getting us home.”
She paused for just a second and then said, “They’re dedicating the new cafeteria this week.”
My stomach clenched painfully.
“Apparently, the alumni from your class donated enough money to completely overhaul the old cafeteria. I hear it will be quite wonderful.”
After the shooting, the existing cafeteria had been shut down and boarded up. Over the summer, and old auditorium was converted into a new cafeteria, and that was where kids had been eating lunch ever since. Until now.
“I’m not going, Mom.”
It wasn’t hard to see through her fake nonchalance. She had been trying to get me to return to the school for years.
“It could be a good for you,” she said, glancing at me hesitantly. “Please consider it. Your father and I will be attending the ceremony tomorrow evening.”
Still, I said nothing.
“They are going to dedicate a plaque for Tim.” Her voice caught on his name and I blinked back tears.
“I just can’t do it.” I couldn’t explain it to anyone, the paralyzing fear I felt at the thought of stepping back into that school. “I’m going to the reunion. That will be hard enough, but walking back into that cafeteria… the place where Tim died…”
Mom reached over and grabbed my hand. “Okay. I understand. It’s okay.”
But it wasn’t okay. I wasn’t okay.
Being back in town, driving past the school, everything I had spent years running from was now smacking me in the face. By the time we got home, it was all I could do to drag myself upstairs to my old bedroom.
For some reason, I didn’t stop when I reached the bedroom door. I kept going until I was standing outside of Tim’s old room. I stepped inside carefully, like I was walking on thin ice.
The room hadn’t been changed in ten years. It was a shrine to the brother I had lost, a trip into a past that I could never quite forget. His old gym shoes waited at the foot of the bed, his varsity jacket over the back of his desk chair. The school had returned his book bag a week after the shooting and it sat in the corner, unopened.
For weeks after his death, I had come into his room every day and perched carefully on the edge of his bed, staring at that book bag. I had longed to know what was inside, but had been too grief-stricken to find out. Today, that was going to change.
I knelt in front of it and took a deep breath before reaching for the zipper. Once it was open, all hesitation was gone. Now I had to know what was inside; I couldn’t stop.
Inside, I found familiar textbooks that Tim had left strewn around the house. Dried up highlighters and pens pooled in the bottom of the bag. A set of car keys that belonged to a vehicle my parents had long-ago sold. They were held together by a penguin keychain, my gift to him when he had received his driver’s license. Tim had always loved penguins.
A stack of notebooks revealed pages of his handwriting, tiny and slanted, but perfectly readable. In between the bottom two notebooks I found an essay he had written. Underneath the essay, I found an envelope. With shaking hands, I opened it and removed the card.
It was a graduation card that Tim had bought for me. My mouth dropped; Tim had never been good about planning for special occasions, but for some reason he had thought to buy me a card weeks before I graduated. Even more, he had taken the time to write me a message.
Sis- I’m not good at this sappy stuff so I’ll keep it short. As far as sisters go, you’re pretty great. Probably because you have such a great brother. Anyway, I’m proud of you and I know you’ll do remarkable things in life. Wherever you go, don’t forget about your amazing brother. I definitely won’t forget about you.
Love, Tim.
I could barely read the salutation through my tears. Suddenly, I was grieving Tim all over again and I doubled over as I sobbed. The tears came for what felt like forever, and I stayed frozen in that spot even after they stopped.
When my phone rang, I answered it with a hoarse voice.
“Charley? What’s wrong?” Nick asked in alarm.
“I don’t want to be here, Nick,” I said, still feeling numb. “This is too hard.”
“What’s too hard?”
I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see it. “Everything. Life.”
“Charley, what’s going on?” He couldn’t keep the worry from his voice. “Did something happen?”
“No. Nothing happened.” I took a deep breath. I shouldn’t bother Nick with my problems when he had so many other things on his mind. “It’s just been a long day, but I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“I am.” Still holding the card, I stood and walked down the hall to my room. “Tell me about your day.”
Nick hesitated. “I had a lot of meetings. I don’t remember most of them. The ambassador from Germany spilled his coffee on my lucky tie, though. I remember that.”
“Poor you.” I found myself smiling, picturing Nick’s eyes twinkling as he thought of what he could say to cheer me up. “Do you think it’s at all strange that you have a lucky tie?”
“Not at all.”
“What makes it lucky?”
Nick’s voice deepened. “It’s the tie I was wearing when I met you.”
“Well, that was a sweet thing to say.” I suddenly felt like crying again, this time because I missed Nick. “I wish you were here with me.”
“Me, too.”
We fell into a comfortable silence. It was strange that even when he wasn’t saying anything at all, I still felt better just knowing he was there, listening on the other end of the phone.
“I should let you go,” I said reluctantly. “I’m sure you’re tired after a long day.”
“Eh, I won’t be able to sleep anyway,” he said. “My bed isn’t very inviting right now.”
“Is that so?”
I could practically hear his smirk. “Yeah, it’s missing the hot, naked girl I’ve grown used to sleeping with.”
“I’ll be back soon,” I promised. “Sweet dreams, Nick.”
“Back at you, Charley.”
Nick wasn’t the only one to have trouble sleeping. I lay awake for hours, tossing and turning in my childhood bed. By the time I finally did fall asleep, the sun was almost rising. When I woke up a few hours later, it was almost lunchtime.
I padded downstairs in my old flannel PJs and cat slippers in search of coffee. Something delicious wafted down the hall and I followed my nose to the kitchen. I could hear my parents talking and laughing and it made me smile.
“Coffee. Stat!” I announced loudly as I entered the room, pulling up short when I realized we had a guest.
“Look who’s here!” Mom clapped her hands and laughed at the stupefied expression on my face.
“Nick?”
He grinned at me, taking in my outfit and crazy bedhead. “Surprise.”
“What the hell are you doing here?”
His smile wavered just a bit. “I wanted to see you.”
Mom looked at Dad, then back at me. She seemed to sense that I was going to need a moment alone with Nick. “Your dad and I need to check on something in the other room,” she said, not at all subtly. “We’ll catch up with Nick in a bit.”
After they were gone, Nick tried again. “You sounded pretty upset last night. I wanted to make sure you are okay.”
“So you flew all the way here?” It seemed too ridiculous to be true. “Why?”
“Are you mad?” Nick’s face fell.
I was still so surprised to see him standing in my parents’ kitchen, holding one of their old coffee mugs, that I hadn’t exactly processed my feelings. But when he asked, I quickly ran through an assessment and determined that I felt exactly the opposite of mad.
“I’ll only be mad if you don’t get over here and kiss me.”
Nick set down his coffee so quickly that it spilled all over the counter. In three strides, he crossed the room and I threw my arms around him. He didn’t kiss me right away, instead just holding me close, my head on his chest, while he breathed in my scent. After several minutes, he finally pulled back slightly and kissed me.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” I said when we came up for air. It felt so good to be in his arms. “I missed you.”
“Good.” A small smile turned up the corners of his lips. “Nice PJs.”
I had forgotten that I was wearing flannel pajamas that were close to ten years old. Very purposefully, I stepped on his feet with my cat slippers. “Be honest, you’re totally turned on right now.”
“I can’t argue with that.” He glanced over my shoulder while slipping a hand under my top. His hand was warm against my side. “Too bad we have chaperones.”
“Too bad,” I agreed, only then remembering that my parents were in the next room. “We could go upstairs to my room…”
Nick’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “I can see your teenage bedroom and get a glimpse into sixteen-year-old Charley?”
I hadn’t exactly thought of it that way. “Actually, maybe we should do something else instead.”
“Oh, no, you don’t. You can’t make an offer like that and then take it away.” Nick waved a finger in my face. “That would be breaking a promise.”
I sighed. “Fine. But I really do need that coffee first.”
Fortunately, by the time the coffee was done brewing Mom had reentered the kitchen. It was apparent that she was dying to ask Nick questions and he seemed comfortable spilling his private details to her, so I left them alone to chat while I ran upstairs for a quick shower before putting on normal clothes.
By the time I interrupted them, they were laughing and gossiping like old friends.
“Nick was just telling me that you were at the White House. Why didn’t you tell us about that?” Mom didn’t look away from Nick as she scolded me. Like all other women, she was enthralled by him. Like mother, like daughter.
“It must’ve slipped my mind.” I glared at Nick. “What else did you tell my mother?”
“Not much. I was too busy listening to stories about you.” His smile made me uncomfortable. “Has Walter paid a visit?”
“Really, Mom? You told him about Walter?” I was starting to wish I’d had scotch rather than coffee.
“It’s endearing, Charlotte. You were very close to Walter growing up.” Mom apparently had no clue that she was only further embarrassing me.
“He was imaginary, Mom. I was six.” I frowned harder when I caught Nick laughing, bemused by the whole thing. “We’re leaving.”
Mom asked, “Will you be home for dinner? I’m sure you father would like to get to know Nick better.”
“I’m sure he would,” I muttered, grabbing Nick’s arm. “We’ll see. There’s a lot to do in this town, so we might not be back in time.”
In fact, the exact opposite was true. I was able to drive Nick around town in my mom’s old Chevy in less than fifteen minutes. Danville didn’t exactly have a lot of must-see landmarks. It did have an apple orchard, though, so I took Nick for some fresh apple cider.
“I don’t understand why there are so many types of apples,” he said as he watched me fill a basket.
“Some of them are good for eating fresh and others are better for baking,” I explained.
“Which type are these?” He held one up and eyed it suspiciously.
I plucked it from his hand and dropped it back into the basket. “These make the best apple pie you’ll ever taste.”
“Wait, are you going to bake me a pie?” Nick pretended to swoon. “I think I’m in love.”
“It’s not just for you,” I explained, stepping over to the counter where an elderly woman was taking payment. “Dad happens to love my apple pie.”
That was what I told Nick, but in fact my Mom’s apple pie was way better than mine and she made one almost every week. My pie was for Nick, and I was hoping to dazzle him with my baking skills. So, while Dad and Nick watched football in the living room, I rolled out the pie crust under Mom’s watchful eye.
“That looks good,” she said as I transferred it to the pie pan.
“It’s been a while since I’ve made a pie from scratch.” I started working on the apples next. “Hopefully I won’t screw it up.”
“Nick’s going to love it.” Mom smiled, knowing exactly what I was thinking. “He seems very smitten with you, darling.”
I looked at her in surprise. “Really?”
“Definitely.”
“How do you know? You only just met him.” I couldn’t believe that I was actually asking my mom if she thought a boy liked me.
“Honey, he flew all the way out here just because he missed you. If that isn’t a sign that he’s smitten…” She reached for the wine bottle we had half-finished already. “I think you’re smitten with him as well.”
I sighed, defeated. “Is it that obvious?”
“You’re baking him a pie. You hate baking.” She topped off my glass and poured a healthy dose of wine for herself. “It’s nice to see. You seem happier than you have been in many years.”
“I told him everything,” I said quietly. “He knows about the shooting, about Tim.”
“That’s good,” she said with a satisfied nod. “You need to talk to someone about it and you never could open up to us. You haven’t changed your mind about tonight, have you?”
“No.”
The event at the high school was starting in less than two hours and I couldn’t wait for it to be over. Until then, I wouldn’t be able to think of much else. I knew that when my parents returned home from the ceremony they would have damp eyes and heavy hearts. They would want to talk about Tim and how our lives changed that day. I just wanted to hide in my bedroom until the whole thing was over.
Mom understood why I couldn’t go, even if she didn’t agree with my decision. “You and Nick can have some quiet time alone in the house then. Just remember, no boys in your bedroom when Dad and I are out.”
“Funny, Mom.” I was joking, but Mom likely wasn’t. “I think this is ready for the oven.”
She appraised my handiwork and nodded. “I agree.”
We ate dinner in the dining room like a happy family, something my family hadn’t done in years. Mom and Dad usually ate in front of the television while watching Wheel of Fortune. Nick had three servings of Mom’s lasagna and still had room for two slices of pie.
“I had no idea you are so domestic,” he teased as he helped me load the dishwasher later. “That pie was pretty delicious.”
“It’s all in the apples.”
Nick leaned against the counter while I added the dishwashing liquid and closed the door. Despite sleeping in so late, I was already tired. Keeping my parents from saying embarrassing things in front of Nick had been exhausting.
“What should we do tonight? I’m afraid we don’t have a lot of options. Though we will have more scandalous options once my parents leave.” I waggled my eyebrows at him.
“Tempting,” he said. “Are you up for a drive?”
“A drive? Where?” I couldn’t think of any place worth driving to at this time of night.
Nick shrugged. “We could find a quiet place to watch the sunset. Maybe count some shooting stars.”
“You’re such a romantic. I was thinking of hot sex and late night television.”
“Now who’s the romantic?” he quipped. “We can always do that later.”
“Fair enough.”
My parents headed to the school and Nick and I took Mom’s car for a drive. The town was quiet as I had expected, and Nick took a lazy loop around the outskirts of town.
“Do you have any idea where you are going?” I asked after we passed the same gas station for the third time. “You should really let me drive.”
“I never get to drive in D.C. anymore,” he complained. “Just let me have this.”
“Fine.”
When Nick turned on Cromwell Street, I sat up straight. “Not this street.”
“Hm?” Nick glanced at me, but he didn’t slow down.
“Nick. Not this street. Turn off.” I tried to keep the panic out of my voice, but I wasn’t very successful.
Nick continued to ignore me and twenty seconds later, he pulled into the parking lot at Danville High School.
“What are we doing here?” I asked through tight lips. My chest constricted painfully and it was hard to breathe.
Nick turned off the engine and undid his seatbelt. When he faced me, he was calm and serious. “Your father and I had a talk earlier and he explained what’s happening tonight.”
I stared hard at him and didn’t say anything.
“He thinks that you need to be here, Charley, and I tend to agree.” Nick reached over and took my hand which was shaking uncontrollably. “I know you don’t want to do this, but you’ll feel better once you face this place.”
“No.”
It was all that I could manage to say through gasping breaths. The idea of walking through those front doors made me feel like I could pass out at any second.
“Charley.” Nick used his other hand to cup my face, forcing me to look only at him. “I’m not saying this is going to be easy. I know it’s traumatizing for you. But I’ll be right next to you the whole time. I promise.”
“I can’t.” My whisper was so quiet it was barely audible.
“You can.” Nick’s eyes penetrated mine, like he was able to see all the way to my soul. “I know that you can. You are strong, Charley. You’re a survivor.”
My eyes closed, trying to keep him out. But it was too late; I’d already let him in. After several shaky, deep breaths, I opened them again. “Okay. I’ll try.”
Nick gave me a long look and then kissed me softly. I waited after he exited the car for him to open my door. Only after he took my hand again did I feel strong enough to stand. My legs were shaky and Nick put his arm around me for support.
“I’ve got you,” he said, and I knew that he did. Nick would never let me fall.
The closer we got to the school, the harder it was to keep moving forward. The last time I had taken those steps had been the morning of the shooting when life was still easy and my family was still whole. Somehow, I made it all the way to the doors before stopping.
“Are you doing okay? Do you need a minute?” Nick stopped us just outside the entrance.
“I’m okay.” Now that I had made it this far, turning back seemed even harder than continuing forward. “Let’s do this.”
The minute the door opened, everything came rushing back. The school smelled exactly the way I remember. Laughter and conversation flowed out to us, overwhelming me with how normal it sounded. I stepped into the lobby slowly, this time leading Nick. I no longer needed him to keep me on my feet, I could stand on my own.
“My locker was over that way,” I said, pointing down a hallway on the left. “Tim’s locker was way down there. He used to always complain about how far away it was.”
It was strange that it didn’t hurt to say his name. Remembering him felt natural.
I wasn’t ready to see the cafeteria yet, so I took Nick on a tour of the school. Everyone else seemed eager to get good seats for the ceremony, so we were able to walk around without much interference. A few faces looked familiar to me, but that wasn’t a surprise. At one time, I had probably known everyone in Danville.
“This is the library,” I said, gesturing through the open library doors. “Tim got caught going to third base with the head cheerleader in the stacks.”
“I think Tim and I would’ve been friends,” Nick said with a laugh.
I smiled wistfully. “I think you’re right about that.”
Now that I thought about it, Nick reminded me a lot of Tim. I had no doubt they would’ve loved teaming up to tease me relentlessly and get into trouble.
“I would show you the gym, but it always smelled like sweat and feet,” I said, wrinkling my nose.
“The ceremony is about to start,” Nick said gently after glancing at his watch. “Are you ready?”
I wasn’t sure that I was, but I said, “As ready as I’ll ever be.”