before that a person’s life was like a book that could be divided into chapters.
For me, the chapter that changed the course of my book the most was Dad's accident.
I barely remembered Mum's funeral, being only three when she's passed, but Dad's stood out in my mind like a pen stroke across a piece of paper.
It had been more than just a chapter in my life, though. If I had to choose a word, it would be an alteration, because neither Karin nor I were the same after that.
The sky on the morning of his funeral had been strangely sunny, without a single cloud to mar the blue. If Dad had known, he'd probably have been offended that it wasn't a dramatic thunderstorm instead.
Our town had turned into a mini Malibu that weekend as business tycoons and CEOs from states and countries over flew in for the funeral. It was the most excitement San Juan had seen in years.
Those famous people all came armed with the appropriate words of sympathy for the three teenagers and one fiancée that Horace Beckett had left behind.
There had been some dabbing of eyes, some dutiful sniffling, but otherwise, the whole event seemed more like a social gathering than a funeral.
The bulk of my time was spent welcoming the never-ending stream of well-wishers, some of them acquaintances, some of them distant relatives who had come out of the woodwork hoping to inherit.
None who truly cared.
Estelle herself had played the part of grieving partner to perfection, looking pale but beautiful in her black mourning clothes. Karin had been a wreck, and Theo was nowhere to be found. His friends had been missing too.
All but Ryland Wyatt.
Ryland had worn all black that day, making him look older than his eighteen years. He didn't speak to anyone, just silently paid his respects by my father's coffin.
I caught his gaze for a split second when he turned to leave, and it had been filled with regret more real than anything I'd seen that morning.
At that moment I'd felt less alone knowing that there was someone else who shared my grief.
I never dreamt that ten years on, I'd discover the real reason for that look in his eyes.
After Ryland had said the words that brought my world crashing down around me, I'd run straight back to the apartment and woken Karin, who had been back from the club.
Then I'd grabbed an overnight bag, blindly shoving in my essentials and clothing. Karin had been confused, but she got packing once I begged her to save her questions for later.
We were out of the apartment in less than five minutes, and half an hour later, we arrived at a budget motel in Brooklyn.
It was just like all those years ago when we first came to this city. I was still the same frightened runaway at twenty-seven as I had been at seventeen.
I bit my bottom lip hard, trying to stem my tears as I hugged my knees and huddled on the lumpy double-bed that had seen better days.
Karin came out from the shower then, piling her damp hair on the top of her head and perching beside me on the bed.
“Are you okay?” she asked softly.
I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak.
“Talk to me.” She took my hand, squeezing once. “What happened? Did you and Ryland fight?”
I wished it were that simple. Everything seemed so easy just hours ago. Even our argument over Marlon da Silva seemed trivial compared to this.
“You know how Dad died in the accident?” I whispered.
My sister nodded slowly. “He was cleaning his guns.”
“No.” I released a shaky breath. “It wasn't an accident.”
She stilled. “What do you mean?”
Nausea rose in my throat, but I forced myself to tell her everything Ryland had said to me, not leaving a single thing out. My heart broke with every word, and from Karin's stark expression, so did hers.
“I don't believe you,” she whispered, her face white as a sheet.
“I'm so sorry, K, so sorry…”
The dam inside me broke the moment the first tear fell, and uncontrollable, painful sobs wrenched from my chest.
It had been easier to stay silent and not say a word. Voicing it made everything painfully real.
My fingers clenched around Karin's arm as she crouched beside me, her own body shaking with the force of her crying.
We held on to each other, mourning the father we had but never knew. The father who had been taken from us before we could know him.
When I awoke again, I was staring up at a water-stained ceiling. The sky was pale grey past the flimsy curtains, and the sound of rain filled the room.
Karin was curled up beside me on the bed, like we used to sleep back in our old apartment before I met Ryland.
My heart twisted painfully at the thought of him, and I squeezed my eyes shut again.
“Are you awake?” Karin whispered.
“Yeah.”
“Remember back in San Juan, when I used to sneak into your room during thunderstorms?”
“Yeah.” I smiled faintly. “You'd bring your stuffed rabbit along.”
Karin turned on her side to face me. “We'd turn off the lights and crack the windows open, just enough to let the cold air in.”
“Then we'd get under the covers and listen to the rain outside. Those were some crazy storms back there.”
“Yeah.” Karin's gaze fell. “I shouldn't have thrown the rabbit away, it was the last thing he got me. But I think I wanted to forget him.”
“I tried to forget him too,” I confessed. “It was easier to lose myself in work.”
“Do you think anyone thinks about him anymore? What about his relatives? He had an uncle who came to the funeral, right? And a few cousins.”
“They were only there for the money,” I told her softly.
It was only occurring to me now that maybe our father had been as lonely as us.
“Do you think he would have liked us now if he were alive?”
“I don't know. Maybe.”
“I think I would have liked him,” Karin said hopefully, tracing the faded floral patterns on the covers.
I didn't know what to say to that.
I knew that death didn't automatically sanctify a person, and my father hadn't been kind when he was alive. But even so, a part of me still ached for the missed opportunities with him.
“What should we do now?” my sister asked.
“Go on with life, I guess.” I swallowed. “And maybe...get justice for Dad? I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far yet.”
“And what about Ryland?”
“I don't know either. Maybe—” my voice cracked, and hot tears spilled out the corners of my eyes and fell into the pillow.
“Oh, Allie…” Karin huddled closer to me. “We'll get through this together like we always do, right?”
“Yeah,” I whispered. “But right now it really hurts.”
“You care for Ryland, don't you?” At my firm shake of my head, Karin exhaled. “Does he know where you are?”
“No, but I don’t want to talk to him right now.”
Karin sucked in her lips. “He was blowing up my phone when we were in the taxi earlier.”
“Because I turned mine off,” I said morosely.
He must be going out of his mind by now.
And as much as I hated him, a part of me also rebelled against the thought of him worrying.
I was such a fool.
I eased up and hesitantly reached for my phone, turning it on. Pale white light streamed from the screen.
A second later, the phone began buzzing.
Twenty-one text messages, four voicemails, all from Ryland, but before I could read any of them, the phone vibrated again.
He was calling.
I stared at his name for long moments, watching the screen grow blurry from the tears gathering in my eyes. He had to have been calling non-stop for his call to come through the moment my phone was turned on.
But I shouldn't care.
This was a guy who had lied to me from the start, who would have kept me in the dark for longer if he could get away with it.
A guy who had made me care for him, against my sense of self-preservation.
The phone continued to vibrate in my hands, as if begging me to answer.
“You don't have to if you'd rather not,” Karin said softly.
But I knew I had to.
Drawing a deep breath, I pressed the green icon on the screen and held the phone to my ear.
“Allie?”
My heart wrenched when I heard Ryland's hoarse voice. He was breathing heavily, as if he had just sprinted a mile.
“Where are you?” he demanded. “Are you safe? Shit, I can't find you anywhere. Just let me know you're safe. I won't come over if you don't want me to.”
I couldn't manage a word, and instead pressed the back of my fist against my mouth to stifle my sob.
“No, don't.” Ryland's voice turned anxious. “Fuck. Don't cry, Allie. Please.”
I clutched the phone as hot tears streamed down my face. I hated him for how he'd hurt me, but part of me still wanted him to beg me to let him make it right, even though I didn't see how he could.
“Don't ever contact me again,” I choked. “We're over.”
“Allie, wait—”
I cut the call before I could hear the rest, letting the phone slip from my nerveless fingers onto the covers.
Karin quickly took it and turned it off, and I closed my eyes and curled into myself like a fetus under the covers.
Every part of me hurt so goddamned much, as if my chest and lungs were on fire. I wanted to go to sleep forever and never wake from this nightmare.
“It'll be okay,” Karin whispered, patting my hair. “It'll be okay.”
But it wouldn’t.
Because nothing could mend this trust that Ryland had broken, and nothing could bring our father back to us.
***
“I brought you your favorite,” Karin sang as she cracked the door open. “Can you guess?”
“Duh.” I tried forcing a smile, and failed. “The whole room already smells like cheese.”
“Guess,” Karin insisted.
I exhaled through my nose. “Pizza?”
“With pineapples,” she finished proudly as she toed off her sneakers, balancing the two pizza boxes in one hand. “I don't get how you freaks can stand fruits on your pizza. It's gross as heck.”
“And yet you have tomato sauce all over yours.”
“I don't care what the world says, tomatoes are vegetables.”
I got up to take the boxes from her. “Did you see anything weird on your trip? Anyone following you?”
I was done with Ryland, but it didn't mean that Estelle was done with us. Now that we weren't under his protection, nothing was stopping her from taking her shot at us, literally.
“Other than a man walking his parrots, which is more awesome than weird, no.” Karin took off her coat, draping it over the ancient box TV.
“Thanks,” I told her quietly. “You've been out and about while I'm still holed up in here.”
“If my GPA didn't depend on my being up and about, I'd be right here with you.” Karin sat cross-legged on the bed and dragged her box of Meat Lovers over. “And you've been working your ass off for years. Three days of moping is nothing.”
Then she gave me a sidelong look. “Have you turned on your phone yet?”
I had, for a short minute that morning. There were several more voicemails and texts from Ryland, none of which I could bring myself to read.
“Yeah,” I mumbled, busying myself by pulling a steaming slice of pizza from my box.
“Did he call again?”
“Uh-huh. I'm not going to call him back, if that's what you're wondering.”
“I wasn't,” Karin protested. Then, when I didn't reply: “But why aren't you?”
“Because he lied to me,” I said sharply. “Dad's murderer is out there walking free and living off his money, and all along Ryland knew but did nothing.”
“He did try to find ways around it, I wouldn’t call that nothing,” Karin said thoughtfully. “And he wouldn't have known how we'd take it. Maybe he thought we would try to pin it on him.”
I scowled at her. “Why are you taking his side?”
“Just trying to be fair,” she shrugged. “He was eighteen when it happened.”
“Not exactly a young boy.”
“No, but he was also just starting to be his own person.” Karin bit her lip. “Was he remorseful about it, though?”
I recalled the pain in Ryland’s eyes that night, when I pulled away from him.
“I think so,” I whispered.
Karin set aside her pizza and took my hand. “Allie, maybe he's just a good man who made bad decisions. Decisions that hurt us, but maybe if you let him make amends—”
“It's not just about what happened with Dad,” I cut in. “I trusted him with everything I had, and it was all lies.”
“I think he cares about you too,” Karin said softly.
“Which is why letting go of him is so hard.”
“Then don't let go just yet. Hear him out, and if you don't like what he has to say, you could always leave then. It's not like you'd be worse off.”
“But I would.” My throat tightened. “Just seeing him would break my heart all over again.”
“But isn't that the great thing about being a woman?” Karin cocked her head. “Even when we're broken, we will always find the strength to put ourselves back together.”