Chapter Two
CAM
Euphoric energy beamed through Cam’s entire being. It penetrated all corners of his body and soul, radiating with the sweet, satisfying peace that the Creator offered.
Turning his thoughts to Thea, Cam drew on a number of memories he constantly returned to since his time in the cell; their training sessions, their first kiss, the first time she shifted into her angel-form, every detail of her features when she came, her rare moments of coy shyness... beautiful memories of her replayed in his mind, taking him back to her again. As he reveled in those memories, he opened himself up to the Creator’s mercy, baring every part of himself until his blissful state was complete.
“Camael.”
Cam blinked. Thea had spoken his name, but it wasn’t her voice.
“Camael.”
He withdrew from the Stream and the cloud of memories around his mind faded. He lowered his head to see a Throne standing in his cell.
“You are to be questioned today,” the Throne said, his dark-blue eyes hard.
“No.” Every few hours, they came to ask him if he would like to confess anything, but he kept refusing. He just needed a day or two with Thea, even if it was only in his mind.
“There is no choice in the matter now.” The Throne half-turned toward the door. “Your assignments have been checked, your kill sites examined, and your commander interrogated. You will come to be questioned.”
Cam paused. “Zakiel has been interrogated?”
“Yes.”
Guilt gripped Cam. He knew his illegal actions would reflect on his commander, but he hadn’t changed his behavior. “How long has it been?”
The Throne pursed his lips as if considering whether to answer or not. “Five months.”
Cam raised his eyebrows as he realized that time had passed quickly while he was connected to the Stream. It didn’t usually, did it?
The Throne strode to the door then turned his eyes on Cam. “Do I need to request a Power escort for you?”
Cam shook his head, breathing shallowly.
“Good.” The Throne opened the door, and the energy keeping Cam hovering in the center of the room melted away and lowered him to the floor.
Cam followed the Throne down a few different corridors, the thud of their boots bursting the silence that surrounded them. He watched the Throne’s broad back and wondered whether Thea had fully recovered, what she thought of him, and whether she thought he deserved his imprisonment.
They arrived at a mahogany door, and the Throne entered without breaking his stride. Inside, the room was more intimate than the room he had met them in before. Smaller, with a hard wooden floor, there were no windows and no decorations on the walls, only a small side table against the wall with a jug of water. In the center sat a large table where one other Throne awaited. The Throne that led him took a seat and gestured for Cam to sit opposite them.
“Camael,” said the one that collected him as he sat down. “You have had plenty of time to think about your charges. You may now explain yourself.”
Cam stared at him. He remembered this Throne. He was the Throne in the center of the three on the day he was imprisoned. He had a hard, unyielding face, harder than most of the Thrones Cam had come into contact with. His dirt-blond hair was ungroomed and his deep, indigo-blue, unblinking eyes felt like they were penetrating Cam’s skin. Cam had the distinct impression he didn’t like him.
“Well?” the Throne asked. “Do you have something to say?”
“What’s your name,” Cam rasped, his throat dry.
The Throne narrowed his eyes. “Adonai.”
Cam turned to the other.
“Saleos. Or Sal.”
Cam nodded and then looked around the room. “Do you have any water?”
Sal nodded and scraped his chair back to pour Cam a glass of water from the side table.
A short silence filled the room as Cam took a few sips of water. He sighed, refreshed and sat back in his chair. He had forgotten that the Creator’s energy could sustain him for long periods without food—that was one of the reasons food wasn’t a big deal in the Angel Realm like it was in the human world.
“You’re welcome to start any time,” Adonai said.
“How is Thea?”
Adonai scowled. “We are not here to discuss her.”
“She’s the reason I’m here,” Cam said, evenly. “I would like to know how she is recovering.”
“Slowly,” said Saleos. “She recovers slowly. She cannot connect to the Stream and our healers are not used to healing Nephilim in the Angel Realm. Usually, when a Nephilim is that far gone with demon blood, they are turned. It is rare for one to recover here.”
Cam nodded, struggling with his guilt. He took a breath. “And what of Zak?”
“This is not a catch-up session,” Adonai snapped. “Explain why you have carried such rage into your assignments.”
“Does it matter?” Cam almost snarled. “You’re not interested in hearing the truth from me. You made that clear when you declared that Thea is not my natural mate.”
“Natural mates do not attack each other with demon blood!”
“It was an accident!” Cam almost roared.
Cam and Adonai glared at each other, anger bouncing between them.
“So explain it us,” said Sal, his voice softer. “We would like to understand.”
Cam dragged his glare from Adonai to look at the Throne beside him. He was one of the Thrones Cam had met with to request permission to mate with Thea—the one with brown eyes and dark-blond hair.
“We have conducted the investigation, but we need your input to make our assessment,” he explained. “Your state of mind is important, both then and now.”
Cam looked between them and then leaned back in his chair. “I have been nursing a rage for the Creator since my arranged mate died two millenniums ago.”
Adonai’s face hardened, while Sal’s eyes widened in surprise.
“I have refused to connect to the Stream in protest and ignored her soothing after each kill; I barely feel her at all now. I found that if I channel my rage, my hunting skills become more honed and I’m able to take on more demons. I am more effective for the Realm.”
“More effective?” Adonai’s jaw was hard. “You were operating under illegal conditions. Angels are not supposed to succumb to sin.”
“No one complained when I was destroying thousands of demons,” Cam snapped. “No one even questioned it.”
“We have been monitoring you in your cell,” the other Throne said, while Adonai just glared at him. “You are frequently connecting to the Stream.”
Cam lowered his eyes. “Yes. I wanted to keep my memories of Thea intact.”
“Is that the only reason why you connect?”
Cam pressed his lips together as he thought, struggling to answer. “Thea wanted me to connect. She begged me to for months, and I resisted. If I am to Fall, I want to do so as clean as I can possibly be. For her.”
“You accept that you may Fall?” Adonai asked, a light confusion softening the hardness in his eyes.
Cam shrugged. “I don’t deny my actions, Throne.”
“Do you regret them?”
There was another long moment while Cam considered his answer. “I regret that my actions caused the ones I care about to suffer.”
“But you don’t regret your actions?” The hard edge returned to Adonai’s voice.
“My best friend died.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“That’s the only answer you’re going to get,” Cam shot back.
“When you connect to the Stream now,” Sal said, hesitantly, “how does it feel?”
Cam pursed his lips. It felt good, especially when he focused on Thea. “The same as always.”
“So, the Creator doesn’t limit or diminish your experience in any way?” The Throne looked confused.
Cam shook his head.
The Thrones watched him, both with different expressions. Sal seemed thoughtful while Adonai clearly despised him. Cam watched them both back. He couldn’t tell what the point of the interview was. They said they were going to investigate him for the sin of Wrath. He never once denied that he did the things they suggested. If the punishment was for him to Fall, he would suffer it, as long as he could see Thea, make sure she was okay and ask her to forgive him.
Sal stood and gestured for Adonai to follow. “Your commander has asked to speak to you privately. You have ten minutes.”
As they left, Cam leaned forward, his elbows on the table, suddenly nervous. Zak would have spoken to Thea, and he would finally learn how she was really doing. Taking long to heal physically was one thing, but he wanted to know her thoughts, her state of mind, her emotional response to everything that had happened.
The door behind him opened, and Zak walked around to sit in front of him at the table.
“Greetings, Camael,” Zak said, sitting down heavily. His brow was furrowed and he looked tired.
“Greetings, Zak. Thank you for coming.”
“How are you doing?”
“I’m going to lose my wings,” Cam said, bluntly. “They didn’t say so directly, but the questioning did not go well.”
“What did they ask you about?”
“Why I had this rage, why I didn’t connect to the Stream, what my experience was of the Stream now, my state of mind—”
“What?” Zak’s gaze sharpened. “You’re connecting with the Stream?” A looked of wonder and relief spread across his face so intensely, Cam’s guilt intensified.
“Yes. I’m sorry, Zak,” he murmured. “I should have connected to the Stream all the times you told me to. You’ve always looked out for me, I’m sorry I let you down.”
Zak’s hazel eyes pierced him. “You were hurting, Cam. I know you struggled. I should have done more once Thea was involved.”
“But I didn’t make it easy.”
“You never do.”
It was a casual remark, but Cam couldn’t bear it. “I need you to forgive me, Zak. I need you to say you forgive everything I put you through, all the trouble I caused you with the Dominion League—I need to know you’re still on my side.”
Zak jerked forward. “You cannot ask that of me right now, Cam. I have spent the last five months in interrogation. I’ve been pulled from my duties and placed in confinement. They made me go over every single one of your assignments since you started working under me. And I warned you!” He slammed a fist on the table between them as his voice rose. “Repeatedly! You did not respect me enough to even try.”
Cam accepted the angry glare and frustration he could feel rolling off of his Commander and only friend. It was the least he could do.
“So you need to give me time,” Zak said, breathing hard. “I understand it was hard for you, but you cannot immediately ask me to forgive you and expect I will be able to do so easily.”
Cam nodded but an uncomfortable prickly feeling clawed up his throat. Zak had always forgiven him, for everything. Maybe this time he had truly lost him as a friend. He lowered his head.
“The worst of it is that Thea has been left with no answers through all of this.”
Cam’s head shot up.
“Neither of us have been to see her in five months,” Zak pointed out. “No one but Daniah, I assume.”
Shit. “She hasn’t known what’s been happening all that time?”
“I was only just released and Daniah wouldn’t know,” Zak said. “I hope that Asteroth has been able to explain what has happened, but Dominion League members are not permitted to discuss Throne business so…”
All hope drained out of Cam. If Thea had been alone all this time, there was no telling how she felt about him. She could hate him by now, or be truly terrified of him. Either way, it did not bode well.
“What does it feel like to connect to the Stream after all this time?” Zak asked, his voice quiet.
“It feels good,” Cam answered, in the same quiet tone. “I only connected so I could keep my memories of Thea fresh, but the Creator has made the experience more powerful than I could ever…” He trailed off as he realized what the Creator had done for him. Normally the perfect bliss he experienced when connected to Stream only came when his mind was empty, but the Creator had allowed him to achieve it while thinking of Thea.
“She wants you to heal,” Zak surmised. “That’s good. You’re on the right path, Cam.”
“The right path for what?” Cam muttered, sullen. “I told you, I’m going to Fall. The Thrones won’t accept what I’ve done.”
“So that’s it?” Zak asked, his voice hard. “You’ve stopped fighting for your existence?”
“I’m not going to deny my actions or lie,” Cam said. “It’s disrespectful to Thea for me to do so. I am responsible for her injuries.”
“And what about Thea? Do you think she’d want you to give up?”
“Well, neither of us knows what she wants now, do we? I’ve caused us both to abandon her at her most vulnerable time,” Cam said, bitterly. “And I’m not giving up. Once I Fall I can try and find a way to see her.”
Zak frowned. “That’s a shit plan, Cam. You’ll be a fallen angel. You’ll be tormented and broken from not having angelic energy anymore; you think she wants to see you like that?”
Annoyance crept into Cam. He hadn’t thought much about that. “I only want to apologize to her,” he insisted. “I don’t want to be in her life like that if she’s afraid of me.” It almost choked him to say it.
“Fucking liar,” Zak said slowly, his face like stone.
“It’s true,” Cam snapped. Then he faltered. “I mean, I’m not saying I wouldn’t watch her or try to—”
Zak sighed. “I think there might be another way.”
A flicker of hope trembled in Cam‘s stomach. “What do you mean?”
“I’m going to petition the Thrones with a motion to release you under the condition that you mate with Thea,” Zak said. “Everybody has witnessed the effect she has on you and how different you are in her presence. They have to consider how different you would be if you were mated to her.”
The flicker of hope died immediately. Thea wouldn’t forgive him easily. Not after everything he’d done to her—it wasn’t just the attack, it was also how he’d treated her before then, the pain and worry he caused her. Fury and sadness tore at his stomach, threatened to rip him open. It was tempting, so tempting, to push forward with the idea but he couldn’t.
“I cannot mate with Thea against her wishes,” Cam said. “She wouldn’t agree. And it wouldn’t be right to suggest this to her. I don’t think the Thrones will overlook what I’ve done and I don’t want her to feel forced to agree. If I lose my wings because she disagreed… I don’t know how she would feel about it.”
“Her heart would be broken if you Fell, Cam. No matter how she feels about you now,” Zak said quietly.
Cam’s stomach flipped. He wanted to believe that, but she had already warned him, so long ago, not to hurt her. And he had done so in the worse way.
“Maybe you should see how she is before you make assumptions,” Cam said. “She needs to move on from whatever distress she’s been feeling. Help her do that before pulling her into the consequences of my mistakes. I don’t want her to feel obligated to help me.”
Zak studied Cam’s face for a long moment. “Very well,” he said. “I’m not sure how long it will be before I see you again. Keep healing yourself. Stay positive.”
The door behind Cam opened and Zak nodded at whoever was at the door. He returned to look at Cam and opened his mouth to speak but then decided against it.
“Look after her, Zak,” Cam said, his voice low.
“That’s your job,” Zak responded as he stood. “And you seem to be forgetting you were doing it well before you started that assignment.”
Cam remained quiet as he left.