Chapter 21

Axel

It was six in the morning. I had been lying awake all night long going over troubling thoughts in my mind. The one in the foreground: I was not the kind of man who should have a child. The life I led was not the kind of life a little girl like Hanna should ever be exposed to. I knew what happened to those kids.

They went rogue like Johnny’s nephew.

They slipped through the cracks.

I closed my eyes to rest my eyelids. I was exhausted, but sleep felt like a foreign and completely unattainable luxury right now.

When I wasn’t thinking of how unfit to be a parent I was, I was thinking about Evelyn, Hanna’s mother.

We had met at a bar. We dated for a few weeks. Evelyn was a nice girl, but our lives didn’t match. She had just started working at a dentist’s office after completing all her schooling. She was a beautiful woman with a charming smile, but the smile hadn’t been enough to keep me around. We went our separate ways. It was mutual.

But I couldn’t figure out why she had never told me about Hanna. It was my right to know I had a daughter, regardless of whether or not her mother and I were still an item.

Wasn’t it?

I groaned and opened my eyes to stare at the ceiling some more. There were no answers up there. The spackling wasn’t making me feel any better.

I ran over the previous day in my head. Ellie had eaten pancakes with Hanna. After she came into my bedroom and promised she would stay by my side for as long as I needed her, the initial fear I had felt had vanished. I was still terrified, of course, but the task of raising a child seemed a lot less daunting with Ellie as my copilot.

I spent the rest of the day watching Ellie with Hanna. She was a natural. I found it impossible to string a sentence together in front of the girl. She was wary of me, and I was wary of her. Things felt like they were starting on the wrong foot.

I was eager for time to pass. Ellie had called and made an appointment for this morning to get a paternity test done. Neither of us doubted that Hanna was mine, but it would be a good idea to know for sure.

The appointment was for nine o’clock, and time was passing slower than I ever remembered.

Ellie rolled over in bed to look up at me just past seven thirty. If she was worried about the new turn of events, I couldn’t tell by looking at her. She gave me the same smile she always did and leaned in to kiss me. Her palm against my cheek was warm and soft, just like her lips on mine.

“You ready to do this thing?” She asked after sitting up. She had slept in my T-shirt, and it looked like she was going to have to wear my clothes to the doctor’s appointment too.

“Ready as I can be,” I muttered as I got to my feet and headed to the bathroom to shower.

Once I was ready, I went into the kitchen to find Ellie eating a bowl of cereal with Hanna. The little girl looked sleepy as she pushed her spoon around the bowl of milk, collecting Cheerios. She looked up at me when I entered and then immediately looked down at her bowl.

Ellie sat up straighter. “We’re going to go for a car ride this morning and see someone who can tell us how you and Axel are related. That’s kind of cool, right?”

Hanna looked unconvinced.

Ellie chuckled. “I think it’s pretty cool.”

“Me too,” Hanna said, surprising me.

Ellie looked expectantly at me. “Me too,” I said, trying to sound more excited than I felt. Ellie nodded approvingly.

The doctor’s office was stressful. After meeting with the doctor and having the tests done, we were sent to wait in a personal waiting room, just the three of us. Ellie sat with Hanna on her lap while I tried not to panic.

When the doctor came back in and took a seat across from me, I already knew the answer.

He pushed his silver-framed glasses down his nose and peered up at me over the top of them. “So, Mr. Cooper, the test has come back positive.”

I was not expecting such a forward answer. I thought that maybe he would meander around the results until he knew I was good and ready, and then he’d hit me with it.

Positive.

I was Hanna’s father.

Ellie grabbed my hand and squeezed tightly. “Thank you, doctor,” she said, hugging Hanna to her body and resting her chin on the little girl’s head.

After that, our doctor pulled up Hanna’s medical records to make sure I was informed. She had no history of any diseases from Evelyn’s side of the family. There were no allergies I needed to be made aware of. Hanna was a healthy little girl. My healthy little girl.

After the doctor sent us on our way, we piled back into my car. I started the engine but stayed parked in the stall with my hands on the steering wheel.

Ellie looked over at me. “It’s going to be all right. You can handle this. I know you can. You’re not alone. You have me and Johnny and the whole MC behind you.”

“I don’t want them to be part of this.”

Ellie shook her head at me. “They’re part of you. I don’t think you have a choice. They’re good men, Axel, despite what you all tell yourselves. She’ll be safe with you.” Ellie looked out the windshield. Her expression hardened, and I knew she had decided what our next move should be. “Let’s go shopping. You have a spare guestroom that will work for Hanna’s bedroom. She can pick out a bed and some furniture. We’ll need to get her some clothes too. And toys. I know this is overwhelming, but don’t worry, I can do this part. You just play the part of driver today. And you can carry all the heavy stuff.” She shot me a bright smile that eased my mind a bit.

Ellie wasn’t scared off by me having a daughter. She had complete faith in me. Maybe I should give myself a bit more credit. “I can do that.”

“Good,” Ellie said confidently. “Then let’s do it. What do you think about that Hanna? We’re going to get you a new bed to sleep in tonight! And maybe we can even find some new clothes and some fun toys. How do you feel about that?”

Hanna giggled in the back seat and nodded. She still wasn’t comfortable talking too much in front of me. That was all right. I wasn’t too keen on talking in front of her, either. I cursed like a sailor. It was going to be strange trying to police my own vocabulary.

“Okay, let’s go.” Ellie put her hand on my knee. “After shopping, we have to stop at my place. I’ll get some of my things to keep at your place for now. And Cade. I need to bring Cade with me.”

“I won’t argue with that,” I said before pulling slowly out of the parking stall. As we drove to our first destination, I kept an eye on the speedometer. It was the first time in my life that I had ever driven the speed limit.

I guess that’s what having a daughter does to a man.

Shopping went well. In fact, it was surprisingly fun. Ellie guided Hanna through the store and started with the necessary purchases and used the toys as a reward at the end. We picked up a new bed, a mattress, a pink net to hang around the bed, some cute owl wall decals, and fun colorful accents like lamps, nightlights, and a piggy bank.

After we had the necessities, we bought clothes, dresses, pants, leggings, sweaters, shoes, T-shirts, jeans, shoes—it was unreal how many things they sold for tiny humans. I was astounded all day long.

Finally, we picked out some toys. By the time we walked out of the last store, Hanna was more comfortable with me, so much so that she took my hand when we walked across the parking lot to the car.

I caught Ellie smiling at us as we walked.

We stopped at Ellie’s apartment after grabbing lunch. There was no way in hell I was going o wait in the car with my new daughter, so we all went into the apartment.

Cade greeted us with a lot of whining and tail wagging. He gave Hanna a big, sloppy kiss before hightailing it to the back door to be let out. Ellie took him outside, and Hanna went with her to watch the dog run around the backyard like a psycho. I watched Hanna and Ellie and the dog and noticed the feeling in my gut had shifted from anxiety to something else. Something I couldn’t quite put a finger on.

All I knew was it wasn’t a bad feeling, standing there watching them all play together. In fact, it was a good feeling.

I helped Ellie pack her bags and load them into the trunk. There wasn’t much space, what with all of Hanna’s things being in the car as well, but somehow, we made it all fit after playing a real-life version of Tetris with Ellie’s bags.

Cade got into the back seat with Hanna and curled up in his seat, resting his chin on his paws.

We pulled through the gate at close to six in the evening. I was hungry, and I was tired. Everyone else in the car seemed to feel the same way. Hanna had fallen asleep and napped on the drive from Ellie’s apartment to my house. Ellie woke her and carried her into the house with Cade trotting happily behind.

I began unloading everything and making the trek to the spare bedroom.

Ellie ordered pizza and put on cartoons in the living room for Hanna. Every now and then, she checked in on me in the spare room to see what kind of progress I was making. I had to disassemble and remove the old bed that was in there before moving in all the new furniture. Once that was done, I set to work putting together the single bed we had bought for Hanna.

Pizza arrived when I was halfway done. I took a break to eat and joined the girls in the living room. Hanna loved the pizza, and I was shocked when she at two pieces, crust and all. Soon after, Ellie put her to bed on the sofa and joined me in the bedroom.

I had made a decent amount of progress, but Ellie helped with all the finishing touches. She hung the pink netting at the head of the bed and made sure it was draped perfectly around the frame. She plugged in the night-lights and filled the dresser with Hanna’s clothes. She made sure the room looked like a place a little girl would want to be.

Then, we went and got Hanna and carried her to her new bed. We tucked her in, and she never woke.

I stood in the doorway with Ellie, looking in on my sleeping daughter. I wrapped my arm around Ellie’s shoulders. “Thank you for all of this. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“You’d call Johnny.” Ellie chuckled. “And the two of you would have done the best you could.”

“I hate to think what that would be like.”

Ellie shrugged. “Probably not as bad as you think. Ye have little faith.” She rested her head on my shoulder. “Day one was a success. Let’s get some rest. We’ll be back at it early tomorrow morning.”

She turned away from me, and I watched her go down the hall. She paused in the doorframe of my bedroom and looked back at me. “You’re going to be a great dad, Axel. Don’t even waste any thoughts on the opposite.” She cocked her head to the side. “You coming to bed?”

“I’ll be there in a minute,” I said.

Ellie smiled and nodded and disappeared into the room. I stayed where I was, arms crossed over my chest, shoulder against the doorframe, and looked in on my sleeping daughter.

I waited for the anxiety to come rushing back to me, but it never did.