“Dad! I’m so glad you decided to come!” We weren’t usually huggers but I was so happy to see him, I wrapped my arms around him. He felt stiff for a minute before he relaxed and an arm came up to pat my back.

“Well, I thought it was time,” he replied. “I’ve been stubborn about a lot of things.”

We took our seats at the two-seater table inside The Noshery, a popular restaurant near campus well known for their breakfast menu. Today, we would have a father-daughter day, starting with breakfast before I took him trekking across Denver for some sightseeing. I decided not to think about Lucas or whatever it was he planned for us later. I couldn’t believe I had allowed myself to become caught up with him again after all that had happened between us.

But I was happy and that had to count for something.

“Have you lost weight?” Dad asked, eyeing me suspiciously. “You’ve not been working yourself into an early grave here, have you?”

“No, but I’ve had a lot going on lately.”

Before he could ask me to expound, a waitress stopped by our table to take our order and we focused on the menu to make our selection. When she left, I thought Dad would move on to something else but he was not letting go of the issue of my weight loss.

“You’re not still upset about what happened over Christmas, are you?” he asked hesitantly.

“No, Dad.” I gave him a reassuring smile. After he had calmed down and accepted that I was having sex—not something I believed any father would be totally comfortable with—he’d apologized about running Lucas off. I never told him about the things Lucas had said to me nor the way he had disrespectfully thrown the money at me, insisting on the emergency contraceptive pills. He did know Lucas and I had a tiff but not how serious it was.

“I’m not sure if I believe that,” he stated. “You look like you’ve been pining over that boy, not eating and working too hard.”

“Lucas and I are fine, dad,” I replied. “Now, let’s forget about all that. We’re here for you to enjoy your stay in Denver. What do you think of it so far?”

We chatted until the waitress brought our breakfast. I munched on a sticky bun and a cup of black coffee. I always loved my coffee with cream and sugar but lately, I took it mostly black.

“No wonder you’ve lost weight,” Dad commented. “That’s all you’re eating? You were always big on breakfast. Eggs, bacon, sausages, the whole works.”

“I know. I just don’t feel like eating too much these days.”

We ate in silence for a while and the cloying scent of his breakfast triggered my nausea. One of these days, I really should go to a doctor and check out what was going on with me.

“Are you pregnant?”

At his blunt question, I blushed and I wasn’t the only one. His face was heated too.

“Why would you think something like that?” Even though I asked him the question, the thought had been running through my mind lately. If not for taking the pills and having had my period, I would have believed the nausea was a result of being pregnant.

“Well, it is a possible consequence of-of, you know, what you guys did,” he answered awkwardly. “Plus, I remember your-your mother was like that when she was pregnant with you. She had a difficult time for the first two trimesters. She lost weight instead of gaining because she didn’t have an appetite. Watching you pick at your food reminds me of that.”

“Uh, I can’t be pregnant,” I said confidently. “I’ve had my period.”

He sighed. “Debra, I know I’ve not been the best father to you—”

“Dad, you did fine,” I interrupted. “A girl could have never asked for a better father.”

“But there’s so much I was never able to talk to you about,” he said sadly. “Your mother—” He choked up. “She should have never left. I wasn’t able to cope on my own but I tried to do my best.”

I reached across the table and covered his hand with mine. “Yes, you did your best and it was good enough. It still is good enough.”

He gripped my hand hard before he drew his away. “There’s something I have to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“I’ve debated over and over whether I should tell you,” he said softly. “I know now that it was wrong of me, but I was so hurt and angry at your mother, I thought I was doing the right thing.”

I froze, having the feeling whatever he would say to say to me would be lifechanging. My father wasn’t a man to keep secrets.

“It’s fine, Dad. If it didn’t matter years ago, it doesn’t matter now.”

“She came back.”

“What?” I stared at him in confusion. “What are you saying?”

“Your mom did leave us, but she came back when you were ten.”

“You’re joking,” I said on a heavy exhalation. I’d not seen my mother since the day she left, promising she would return with a doll for me.

“No, she came back, wanting to see you,” Dad explained. “You were at school at the time. She wanted to see you, to have a relationship with you, but I refused. She abandoned you and I had full custody. She wasn’t going to get anywhere near you without my permission, and I refused to give it to her.”

Everything around me went silent—the chattering of the other diners, the rest of what my father was saying. All I could hear was myself over the years, asking him if I could visit my mother and him telling me she didn’t want anything to do with me, to do with us. Years of growing up wanting a relationship with the woman who had given birth to me, wanting to look her up but never doing so because I was convinced she never once thought of me. And now this? The relationship between my father and I had always been strengthened by her abandonment. That loss was something we had in common.

“Why?” I asked in bewilderment. “You knew how much I wanted to see her. She was—is—my mother.”

“I was afraid, Debra.”

“Of what?” I demanded, almost hysterical. My mother had wanted a relationship with me and he hadn’t allowed it. Yes, she had left me for a few years and it would have hurt, but I would have forgiven her if she’d come back.

“They had everything to give you,” Dad said in anguish. “Please understand. We were doing okay, but there was so much I couldn’t give you and I was afraid you’d want to be with them. I was afraid you would prefer a material life where you could have everything instead of being with me. You were—are—all I have, Debra, and I didn’t want your mom to take that away by offering you way more than I could ever offer you.”

Listening to him didn’t make sense. I was too hurt to register this fear he kept mentioning.

“You kept a ten-year-old from her own mother,” I murmured accusingly. “And then you lied about it each time I asked if I could see her or call her to talk to her. You fed me lies all these years, that she claimed she didn’t want me interfering in her new life!”

“I know and I’m sorry.”

“You should be!” I announced angrily and got to my feet. “What you did was wrong. It should have been my decision whether I wanted to talk to her or see her or not. Not yours. At ten, I was fully capable of making that choice.”

“Debra—”

“No, I can’t even talk to you right now.”

I ignored him calling my name and ran from the restaurant, knocking into a waiter. I apologized and kept going and didn’t stop until I was in the car Lucas had delivered to me this morning. I slammed the door shut but I shook so badly I couldn’t drive just yet. I rested my head on the steering wheel and closed my eyes against the tears.

I should go back to the restaurant. He didn’t know his way around Denver and I had promised to take him around for the day, but I couldn’t face him. I had grown up despising my mom, thinking she never wanted to have anything to do with me, and finding out this wasn’t true was devastating. I could barely remember what she looked like. I didn’t see her in me when I looked into the mirror because I resembled my dad. What was she like now? Had she forgotten me? Why had she never tried to contact me when I got older?

My father’s revelation changed everything I’d believed, everything I’d held onto all these years. I had thought it a cut and dried case. She left. She didn’t want me. I’d live my life without her, but now, I had so many questions. I should find her, shouldn’t I? Yes, that was exactly what I should do—and confront her, because she was as much to blame as he was. Both had played a part in depriving me of a wholesome childhood experience of having a relationship with both parents.

First things first. Find the mom who had given me up and get some answers.

Resigned as to what I had to do, I drove back to the campus. Once there, I hurried to my room, glad Ruby was out. I sat at my desk and powered on my laptop which automatically connected with the free Wi-Fi access of the residential hall.

I’d opened the Chrome browser to start my search when my phone rang. Lucas. I contemplated not answering but knew he would keep calling or worse, come over, and I didn’t want to be in his company right now. Not while I felt so much disappointment. He would only serve to remind me he was another person who had proved disappointing in my life as well.

“Hello,” I answered on the fourth ring.

“Hey, babe, whatcha doing?”

I closed my eyes against the endearment. My mind felt crowded, too crowded to think clearly.

“I’m doing some research,” I responded.

“Okay, you work so hard. Want to take a break and come over to my dorm? I can’t wait to be inside you again.”

Was that all he wanted? Sex? Hearing his words only angered me and plunged me into an even blacker mood.

“I can’t. I really need to get this research done.”

“You can use my laptop here,” he pointed out. “Or bring yours. You can do your research while I try to distract you a little.”

“I said I can’t right now, Lucas,” I answered sharply.

“Hmm. Are you all right? You’re a bit snappish. We don’t have to do anything, you know. I only thought to spend a little time together.”

A sharp pain ran through my shoulder and down to my abdomen and I cried out from the intensity of it. What the hell was that? Another pain almost made me drop the phone.

“Deb, what was that?” came Lucas’ concerned voice. “Are you okay?”

“I’ve got to go,” I groaned and ended the call on him saying my name.

I got up from the stool and made my way to the bathroom to splash cold water into my face. I ended up clutching the sink, my knuckles going white from another sharp pain that seemed to be concentrated in my shoulders and abdomen. I felt a pool of liquid gush into my underwear. Damn, I don’t remember my menstrual cramps being this painful, I thought and reached into the medicine cabinet for a sanitary pad.

After changing, I returned to the room and fell to my knees at the cramping in my belly.

“Oh, God,” I gasped, curling into a fetal position on the floor as a sheen of sweat filmed my face. The door opened and Ruby walked in.

“Hey, Deb—my God, what are you doing on the floor?” she asked in alarm, rushing over to me.

“Cramps,” I gasped then cried out at another pain that made my back feel like it was being split in two. “Oh, God, Ruby, it hurts so bad.”

“Debra, this doesn’t look like any ordinary cramps. Do you want me to take you to the hospital?”

“No-oooooooo!” The word ended on a cry of distress. The pain running through my body made me want to hurl.

“I’m taking you to the hospital,” Ruby said stubbornly. “I’m not going to stay here and watch you in so much pain.”

I couldn’t resist Ruby and was glad for her assistance in leading me to her car. I didn’t bother to put on my seatbelt but curled up in the seat while Ruby drove. Once she had to stop and let me out so I could throw up. The pain was farther apart now, but my stomach cramped hard enough to make me groan.

We got to St. Anthony’s in record time, and by the time we approached the desk at Accident and Emergency, another pain swept through me. I clutched at the desk but could feel myself falling into blackness.

I woke lying on a gurney in an examination room. Confused, I stared at the two nurses and a female doctor who were over me. My heart picked up a beat. Oh no, I don’t want to die. Please, God, don’t let me die. I had to forgive my dad for his bad judgment. I had to find out where this thing between Lucas and I would go. I had to find my mother at least one last time.

“Good, you’re awake,” the doctor announced, giving me a once-over before going back to doing what she was between my legs. I was too weak to clamp them shut like my mind told me to. I could feel a cool object inserted uncomfortably into my body. What the hell is she looking for?

“I’m Dr. Howard,” the doctor introduced herself. “Do you have any idea how far along you are Miss Hoskins?”

How far along what? “I don’t understand what you’re asking. How far along am I what?”

“Into your pregnancy,” she clarified.

“Pre-pregnancy?” I stuttered.

“You didn’t know you were pregnant?”

I shook my head in disbelief. This had to be a joke. “No, no, no. I’m not pregnant. I can’t be pregnant. I took the morning-after pills. And I’ve had my period.” Or had I? I was so bewildered I wasn’t sure what was going on.

“It’s common for women to have light bleeding or spotting during their pregnancy,” Dr. Howard explained gently. “You would have noted that it was different from your regular flow. Spotting can be a sign of miscarriage and in your case, your body is showing symptoms of a miscarriage.”

Miscarriage? It couldn’t be. I was stunned that the pills hadn’t worked and all this time, I had been carrying Lucas’ baby.

“The baby is gone?” I uttered, the news sinking in.

“The pregnancy is still progressing,” she replied. “We will treat you with a hormone, progesterone, to help you maintain the pregnancy.”

My sigh of relief was loud. “Thank God.” I hadn’t known about the baby. I was still reeling in shock at how this was possible given the precaution I’d taken after the unprotected sex. And I’d still ended up conceiving.

“The progesterone doesn’t guarantee the pregnancy will continue,” the doctor said. “I have to be honest with you so you don’t get your hopes up. We will need to keep an eye on you for the next few days. Sometimes, the progesterone delays the inevitable miscarriage. We have to wait and see.”

“Wait?” I gasped. “There’s nothing you can do to ensure I have this baby?”

“We’ll do everything we can, but unfortunately, sometimes, it’s not up to us.”

I laid a hand on my flat belly. I did a quick calculation from December. I was three months’ pregnant. The other night we’d had sex, it was too soon for it to have happened then. It had to have happened over the Christmas break. I’d read the flap of the emergency contraceptive pills and it had advised that the more time that lapsed after sex before taking it, the effectiveness decreased. Had this happened because I’d waited until I was back in Denver before I took the pills?

A shudder ran through my body. I was torn over my concern for the fetus growing inside me and my worry and anxiety at how Lucas would react. Hadn’t he threatened that if I was pregnant, he would require a paternity test to ensure it was his? Hadn’t he flung money at me to prevent conception from happening? He couldn’t have made it any clearer how he felt about me having his baby.

I couldn’t tell him. And yet it brought to memory my own feelings on my father keeping me from my mother. The decision was not an easy one but I had to make it.