The house was quiet. After the conversation she and Nick had that afternoon, if you could even call it a conversation, the two of them had barely said ten words to each other. Her day at work had gone downhill after her run-in with Dixie. The vice principal got involved, and while he agreed Dixie was out of line, he wasn’t overly sympathetic either.
Lila couldn’t get a read on anyone lately.
Then she got home, and the first thing Nick said was that he wanted her think about moving to Washington? So he could work in the White House? Her day been bad, but not bad enough to run her off.
They’d eaten dinner separately, and retreated to their own spaces in the house. It was a stark contrast to the way they’d spent the night before. In her mind, it was proof that marriage wasn’t a good idea. And of course the word Dixie had thrown out—trapped—kept coming to mind.
Lila didn’t want Nick to feel trapped.
If she looked at their situation objectively, she had too many doubts. Maybe if they had time things would be different, she’d feel more secure about the decision, but the baby wasn’t going to be born on their schedule, and there was no way she wanted to bring him up in a bad marriage.
Today she’d gotten the call about the baby’s sex. She thought she’d want to be surprised, but after finding out the baby was healthy, she had to ask. They were having a son, and she hadn’t said a word about it to Nick. She held onto the secret, guarding it, because it seemed lately her secrets were all she had.
Lost in her thoughts, she started when she noticed him standing in the doorway. He was wearing a pair of soft knit pants that rode low on his hips, and nothing else. It wasn’t fair. He looked good no matter what—she, on the other hand, probably looked like a hot mess.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hey.” He folded his arms, clearly uncomfortable. “Do you need anything?”
“I was thinking about making some tea.”
He stepped into the room, still cautious. “Would you like me to get it for you?”
“You don’t need to wait on me; I can get my own tea.”
“Okay.” He turned to go, but then stopped. “I’m really sorry if I upset you. I just didn’t want to keep anything secret. I’m a kind of blown away that the offers started coming in so quickly.”
Secret. Fantastic. She was keeping a nice one. “It sounds like a great opportunity. And I didn’t mean to shut you out, but I was a little surprised to have it dropped on me. Especially after the day I’d had.”
“Fair enough.” His shoulders lowered a fraction of an inch, and he sat on the edge of her bed. Internally, she sighed. Even though there was a good amount of distance between them, his warmth wrapped around her like a blanket.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He looked hopeful.
Lila shook her head. “There’s nothing to talk about. I think you should take it if it’s what you want. It’s a fantastic opportunity, and you won’t feel like you’re on the sidelines.”
“That’s exactly what I was thinking. It’s a desk job, but not a boring desk job. Washington is great. You’ll like it.”
Nick was a good man, and if the circumstances were different, she’d be jumping at the chance to go with him, but she wasn’t going to tie him down. Lila loved being with him. She loved him, and that’s why she couldn’t let the charade go on. He needed to be let off the hook. “I’m going to stay here.”
“What?” He slouched against the footboard, looking defeated. “Uh, okay. Then I guess I’m staying here, too.”
“You can’t stay here. You need to take the job. It’s perfect for you.”
“I don’t want to live apart. How would that work? We’re going to be married, have a kid—we should live together.”
Nick was a good man; it was one of the reasons the job offers came so quickly. But how could she marry him knowing he was doing it out of duty? “Nick, I think we have to rethink getting married. I don’t want to rush into anything, and I don’t want to hold you back.”
“Hold me back? What the hell does that mean?”
“I mean, I just… I don’t want you to think you have to marry me. Not if it means you have to give up what’s important to you. You have this great offer, and I want you to take it, but I don’t think I want to leave Mimosa. I like it here.”
His eyes narrowed and his nostrils flared. He was pissed. “The people here are treating you like shit. If I were to guess, it’s going to get worse. Why do you want to stay?”
“You don’t know that. And I have friends here.” Her best friend was thousands of miles away, but she still had people. “It’s the first place I’ve really settled, and I don’t want to give up.”
“Give up? Lila, they’ve given up on you!”
She didn’t think he could have said anything that hurt more. “Wow.”
Reaching for her, his face revealed his regret. But there was no way to take back what he said. “Shit. I’m sorry. That was…insensitive.”
“You think?”
“If we don’t get married, you’ll lose your job. Best case, you’ll be suspended. Marry me and that all goes away. I can do that for you.”
He could. Snotty colleagues aside, marrying Nick would make her problems go away. But to Lila, who always wanted unconditional love, it was the wrong reason to marry someone.
“Lila, we can both make a fresh start. I have some money saved. We can buy a house in Virginia or Maryland. You could teach if you want, or stay home. It would be up to you.”
It was so tempting. He was tempting. The thought of falling asleep with this man every night was a dream in the making, but she didn’t want to run away. She’d worked too hard to make a life for herself here to chuck it all and start over.
“Choices are nice, but tell me, is this going to be a regular nine-to-five job? It sounds like long hours, late night calls. You need to be able to focus on that.”
“Then I’ll find something here. I don’t know what, but I can ask around.”
He didn’t give her a chance to respond, but instead left her room as suddenly as he appeared. This was a disaster.
Staring at the ring he gave her only made her realize how much giving him up was going to hurt.
Looking at her clock, she took a chance, and sent a text that might help her make sense of the situation.
Are you up?
The answer from Josie came in seconds. Is everything okay?
No.
That was all she needed to say. Her phone rang, more a lifeline than a communication device. “Hi.”
“Hey, what’s wrong. Did Nick do something? Do I have to hurt him?”
“He didn’t do anything, but I don’t think we’re getting married. You were right that it was a bad idea.” Lila held her breath so she wouldn’t cry.
“Wait. What?? I just got used to the idea. What changed?”
Only everything. Lila had to come up with a good way to explain what was going on in her head. Why she’d told Nick it wouldn’t work, and figuring out how to lie about how she felt about him.
“He wants to marry me out of obligation. Not love. I understand that’s how he’s wired, but it’s no way to start a marriage.”
“This doesn’t make sense. You pretty much convinced me it was a good idea this morning, and now it’s not? No, you’re not telling me something. Give.”
“He got a really great job offer.”
There was silence on the line, and suddenly Lila realized Josie might not come down on her side of things.
“That was fast. What’s up?”
“You know Nick’s changing course with his career. But I think it took twenty-four hours for the NSA to find him and offer him a job at The White House.”
“The White House! That’s awesome. What a great move. How is this bad? You get married, you move to DC…”
“That’s just it. I don’t want to move. It feels like running away. Add that to the fact that people think I trapped him into marriage, and God…it’s such a mess. He won’t go without me.”
“Oh, good grief,” Josie snapped. “Are you listening to yourself? Yes, you need to consider the life you’ve made, but trust me on this, sometimes being happy requires huge risk.”
Lila knew this would happen. “It’s not the same as the risk you took. Anton loves you. You were meant to be together.”
“Lila.” Josie went quiet. “Tell me about Nick.”
“What? He’s your brother. What could I possibly tell you?”
“Tell me about him.” Josie was firm in her request, but there wasn’t the usual bluster in her voice.
“He’s incredibly kind and gentle. He’s funny and smart. Loyal as an old dog, if you’ll forgive the comparison. He loves his family and friends with a ferocity that’s so rare these days. I don’t know…what else is there?”
“That sounds like a personal ad my mother would have written.”
“Funny.” Lila paused because Josie was right. The description didn’t do him justice. “I don’t know—he’s got this big presence, but if you get past it, you find a heart that beats so strong, it’s a force of nature. There’s no halfway with Nick. I love being around him. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel…he makes me feel everything.”
Everything. Nick was her everything, and she’d just admitted that to Josie. It was all happening too fast. She thought for a second their connection had been broken because her friend didn’t say anything, and Josie was never at a loss for words.
“Josie? Are you still there?”
“You are such a goner,” she finally said. “You are so in love with him, you don’t know what to do.”
“Why would you say that?” Josie was dead on, but admitting it to another person was guaranteed heartbreak. She’d already told her too much. Once she said it out loud, Lila wouldn’t be able to go back into denial about her feelings.
“Lila?”
“Josie! We’ve been together a total of eight days. Eight.”
“Okay. Let’s play a little game, then. When Nick was away for his work, how many days did you miss him?”
Reality slapped her hard, as did a realization. A confession like that would confirm everything Josie had said. She couldn’t.
“Lila?”
“Please don’t…” Lila begged.
“Come on. Give it up.”
“A hundred and twenty-three. Every single day. When he showed up in the house, after he scared me to death, I just about cried.”
“Aw, sweetie. I wish I could hug you right now.”
Lila hated how she fell apart lately. She expected baby hormones were part of it, but the emotion Nick drew out of her was disturbing—she wasn’t used to feeling so much. He made her feel alive. “I’m more sensible than this, Josie. Why is this happening?”
“Because, my dear, my lunkhead of a brother is your match. Whether it took eight days or eighty, you fell in love. And I have a sneaking suspicion it’s not one sided.”
“If only I could be sure. Sometimes I think he feels the same way I do, and other times he’s so focused on doing the right thing, I have to wonder.”
“The two things aren’t mutually exclusive. Talk to him.”
“He’s pretty angry, I think. He didn’t say so, but I can tell he’s not happy with me right now.”
“Neither am I. Don’t be dumb, Lila.”
“Thanks for the support.”
Josie chuckled. “You’re going to thank me for real someday, but in the meantime, take some extra time before the wedding and come to Marinbourg. I miss you.”
“I don’t know if I can. Especially now. All kinds of trouble at work.”
“I heard. All the more reason to get out of Dodge.”
“I hate the idea of giving in.”
“Aw, honey. Take it easy on yourself. You’re pregnant, Nick is back, you lost your place, work is shit…”
When she put it that way, Lila wondered how she was still standing. Maybe going to Marinbourg early wasn’t a bad idea. It would certainly give her something else to focus on other than the shitshow that had become her life. “The powers-that-be might be happy to get rid of me for a while. Just until everything calms down.”
“I’ll ask Anton to send the plane. Be ready tomorrow.”
“Is this a command performance, your highness?”
She could almost see Josie smiling as she answered. “If anyone asks, yes, it is.”
* * *
Nick saw the texts come in from his sister and he almost ignored them, same as all the others. But maybe she could give him some advice. All he could think about was Lila and their baby. He wanted to marry the woman, but that didn’t seem to be enough.
Nick was pissed. Hell, he’d asked her to marry him. Marry him. Something he never thought he’d do. And that still didn’t make her happy.
What the fuck did she want?
He was taking responsibility for her and the kid. He wasn’t shirking it, or questioning. He kind of liked the idea of being a father, which was a real shocker. He was trying not to let the drastic left turn his life had taken recently affect her. Nick didn’t know what the fuck he wanted. But he was willing to take that job in DC and make the best of it. Yeah, it was a high-powered advisory position. He’d be working directly under the director of the NSA, but it wasn’t a perfect solution by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe that’s why Lila objected.
His phone buzzed and he saw his sister wasn’t going to wait for him to text her back. The future queen was on the line.
“Hey.”
“Hey yourself. I’ve been waiting patiently for you to come clean, but that’s done. I want all the details and leave nothing out. When did you get back home? And I don’t mean to Mimosa, I mean back in the states. What’s wrong with you? Why exactly are you leaving the service? And seriously, The White House? What gives?”
Josie shot out the questions so fast, Nick had to backtrack one at a time to keep up. Jesus.
It was important to phrase his answers carefully, because Anton had known he was back a few days ago and he didn’t want his friend in trouble with his sister. That said, he wasn’t above throwing someone under the bus to deflect the attention elsewhere. It was a minor offense. He’d survive it.
“How are the wedding plans going?” That was sure to piss her off, since it had nothing to do with what she wanted to know.
“Nick, don’t try to distract me with questions. Lila is a freaking basket case. And I want to know what’s going on with you. I accepted your vague explanation at face value, but now I need details.”
“She’s a basket case because she has some crazy idea that she shouldn’t marry me.”
“Because she thinks you don’t love her. She doesn’t want you to feel you have to marry her.”
Details. It was always details with women.
“I want to marry her. It’s a good solution.”
“Solution. For a smart guy, why are you so dumb?”
“Why is that dumb?”
“Let me count the ways…okay, we’ll come back to this. Tell me why you’re changing jobs. Get tired of the spy business?”
“No.” He hesitated and then figured there was no point. “I wasn’t just injured last time. I was captured. It was bad enough that I can’t go back in the field.”
“How bad?”
“The op or the injury?”
“Just tell me what happened, Nick!”
“I can’t. It was bad, and I didn’t think I was going to make it. That’s all you need to know.” Nick thought about how he told Lila. How she responded. He didn’t want to relive what had happened, but telling her had helped. It lifted some of the darkness.
“Oh, God. Oh, Nicky…”
“I’m okay now, but I’m not fit to be part of any unit. The doctors pinned the change of status on a bum shoulder, but I’m thinking it’s more about my head.”
“The trauma. It does that.”
“Yeah, it does. They can assign me a desk position, but that’s like being on the disabled list. You’re part of the team, but your ass is on the bench.”
“I can understand that.” His sister was calmer than he expected. “Now, what’s this about The White House?”
“Yeah, the NSA director knows my boss. She must have told him I was available. It’s flattering.”
“It’s prestigious, that’s for sure, but is it what you want?”
Was it? “It’s a change, but this seemed like a good option, especially since Lila and I were going to get married. Were being the operative word.”
“And now you’re not getting married?”
“I don’t know what the hell she wants. I’m trying to do the right thing.”
“Which includes being the man, and walking the pregnant lady down the aisle,” Josie snapped.
“What is with you women? I’m trying to take responsibility here!” Shit. The epiphany Nick had as the words left his mouth was like stepping on the mother of all landmines.
“Did you just hear yourself, genius?”
“Yes, I heard.”
“Responsibility, solution…not words that drip with affection.”
“I don’t know what I’m thinking.”
“Which is why she’s begging off. Lila craves stability because she never really had it. Her father adored her, but he bounced from job to job, and had a lot of problems. You want to uproot her from her home, and give her a name, but no life.”
When did his little sister get so damn smart?
“Thanks, Josie. That helps.”
“Okay, good. Another thing. Don’t take the job unless it’s what you really want. Got it? Find something that will make you happy.”
“Yes, ma’am. I’ll see you in a couple weeks.”
“Love you, big brother. Lila is a real catch, don’t mess it up.”
“I know she is. Thinking about her kept me alive, Josie. That has to mean something.”
They ended the call and Nick didn’t expect to see Lila in the doorway of his room.
“Hey,” she whispered. “Can I come in?”
He was sitting on top of the covers in a pair of shorts and nothing else. She floated toward him in a paper light sundress of pale blue. It was almost translucent, allowing him to see the outline of every curve. He was shocked when she climbed onto the bed next to him and laid her head on his shoulder.
“I know you’re trying to make me happy. But I can’t marry you.”
Looping his arm around her, Nick pulled her close. “I’ll figure out a way to convince you.”
“I don’t think so, Nick.” Lila gave him a weak smile.
She was sweet and beautiful, and she fit him perfectly. Every curve molded to his hand and the scent of her was like home. “Lila…what can I do?”
“Nothing. You’re wonderful. This is about me.”
He didn’t shoot back that her statement was the worst of the relationship clichés. She was fighting some demon inside and he needed to figure out what it was.
“I have something to tell you,” she said. “Well, two things.”
“This sounds bad,” he replied cautiously.
“No. Not bad. The first thing is about the baby. I heard from the doctor.”
“Yeah?”
“I was hemming and hawing about having a particular blood test, but I did. It’s a boy. We’re having a healthy boy.”
A boy. He knew he wasn’t supposed to care, and girl or boy, all anyone really wanted was for the baby to be healthy. But Nick couldn’t help puffing up a bit at the idea of having a son.
“That’s…that’s amazing news. Thank you for telling me.”
“You’re welcome.”
“What’s the other news?”
She drew a deep breath. “I’m leaving for Marinbourg tomorrow. Josie needs me.”
Tomorrow was too soon. He needed her to be on Mimosa so they could work out the kinks about getting married. A minute ago he was thanking Josie for her help; now he wanted to wring her neck. “She has a palace full of people to help her. Why you?”
“Because,” Lila looked in his eyes and stroked his jaw with the tip of her finger, setting his whole body on fire. “I’m her best friend, and no ladies’ maid or head of staff can replace a best friend.”
“I wish you’d stay. You…you just moved in.” God, did that sound lame.
“I’ll be back. After the wedding.”
“Work?” he asked. It was a valid question. She had to make some kind of arrangement.
“I called my principal. I’m taking an emergency leave. He’s going to talk to the school board about getting a replacement in for me for the next month. He thought it was a good idea, and it will allow him to get the troublemakers under control. He felt bad about what happened today.”
“I still want you to stay,” he said into her hair. “What happened to not wanting to run?”
“I’m not running. I’m stepping back.” Rising from the bed, Lila reached down, gripped her dress, and pulled it over her head. It dropped to the floor, falling like liquid, and Lila was standing before him naked except for a tiny wisp of fabric covering the V between her legs.
“What…damn, Lila. You’re so beautiful. But I don’t understand.” Her breasts had become full and round because of the baby, and the nipples had darkened from the light pink he remembered to a deep rose. Standing there, with the late afternoon light streaming in the window behind her, Nick felt like he was in the presence of an angel.
“Make love to me, Nick. Whatever else is going on between us, that part is good. I want you inside me. I want to feel close.”
Nick sat up and Lila went to him. Their arms wrapped around each other, both looking to hold the moment. With his hands firmly wrapped around the globes of her ass, Nick kissed the mound of her belly. His son was growing in there.
His son.
Pulling her down so she faced him, straddling his lap, Nick kissed her, then left a trail of kisses down her neck. He reached one breast, drew the hard, pebbled peak into his mouth, and felt immensely satisfied when she cried out.
Turning her and pushing her back into the soft mattress, Nick had every intention of hearing her cry out over and over.